Frozen Teardrop (18 page)

My coach believed in me. I felt it and he knew that I had to be excited again about skating and that falling time and again would only put me more in despair. He later told me that all the other coaches had told him that I would never ever be able to land my triples. That is how much negativity goes on in an ice rink. No one except your mother or father (whoever is there), and your coach (and sometimes not even your coach), believes in you. The rest are all against you. Lo and behold, the other coaches would be wrong.

For three months I was only allowed to do doubles and that also allowed time for my injuries to be healed. But I needed to do the doubles with such care that each and every one of them could have been a triple if I had pulled in. He made sure I felt no pressure and that skating was fun again. He made sure and worked with me tirelessly until the timing was just perfect ten out of ten times. I did program run-throughs with doubles. When I started to enjoy skating again I was getting back to my center in life, too. I skated with all the top Chinese pairs-skaters and single skaters and it was a joy. We were not really friends but were training companions, and because there were no other good single-lady skaters, they saw me not as a threat, but as a treat. I could live with the bare living conditions while the skating was going so wonderfully. I loved it.

One day in September of 1998, after the three months were up, my coach felt in his bones that I was ready, and he told me on that day, that we would do triples. He gave me permission to fall and make mistakes and not to worry at all about the outcome. To all our amazement I went on the ice and after a few doubles I landed every single triple in the book! All five triples and just like that. Not one fall or mistake. They were so easy! I felt like I wasn't even trying. It just happened.

For the first time in my skating life I loved to jump. I was landing each and every one and was even going for triple–triple combinations! It was wonderful, exciting, and freeing. It was purely a slice of heaven. My coach was not surprised since he had felt I was ready, but he was so proud of me! He never ceased to be my guru. Whatever he did he was never in a rush. He was as if in slow motion soaking up every second within every second. He was always living in the moment and like a true teacher he had formed a champion. I felt like one for the very first time in my life, exceeding any happiness I had felt earning a gold medal. I was happier than ever. I could have stopped skating then and there and know I had accomplished it all. My mother and father were elated. My triples would stay with me, but unfortunately only as long as I was under his watchful eye.

Skating would be bountiful for me for some time but the living conditions would catch up to me physically. Either because I lost a lot of weight or my immune system had never been exposed to what I was eating and drinking, I became incredibly sick. It felt like whenever one part of my life was getting better everything else would collapse into heaps in front of me. I truly did not know what God was trying to tell me. All I knew was I had to fight on. I would start feeling nauseous, losing my appetite, and dizzy with a headache. Then my stomach would inflate until it looked like I was nine months pregnant. I could not see my toes. I would not be able to eat for a few days and just lie in bed, not able to train. Then on about the third day I would explode in both directions with extreme diarrhea and vomiting. This would continue for a few days and then a few more days of feeling better and then back to training. The whole cycle took a little more than a week.

When it first happened during the summer, we went straight to the hospital. Unfortunately the hospital was not a hospital with Western standards. There were people lying all over the floor, in the hallways, and in every room all huddled together. The doctors had more holes in their white gowns and more missing teeth and hair than their patients. It reeked and was filthy. The doctor wanted to inject me with something and I firmly declined, not knowing what they were going to inject me with and not sure if all their needles and equipment was even clean. Having received no treatment we went back to the camp. The secretary who had come up to help us in the beginning called a few places and found a good doctor nearby who spoke a few words of English. We paid a visit and all I received was a dose of antibiotics and those cute pink tablets that you can suck for stomach discomfort. Now, compared to how I was feeling this treatment seemed more suitable for a little stomach ache than what I was going through, but we had no other option at that time. My Chinese coach had never experienced this before so he did not know what to do either.

To my dismay this cycle started happening once every single month! Instead of the monthly women's cycle I experienced this kind of monthly cycle. I can tell you I would have rather have had the other one! Luckily my training and its method was going so well that it did not really disturb my skating, but I was getting weaker from it. Feeling this unwell and not knowing why, was exceedingly scary. My mother was fine. Always was. Lucky her. God had sent her to me because he knew she would take care of me best. I was thankful. I do not know what I would have done without her.

As the winter approached it was quite freezing and people were dressed like Eskimos to keep the warmth in their body. The grounds were frozen over and at least I was happy that the insects and rats might have been frozen too! My stomach sickness was continuing every month and to top it off I got a terrible flu. I had an extremely high fever, over one hundred and five degrees for two days. I did not feel anything, actually. I was feeling completely fine. That's when you know it's dangerous. I just remember going in and out of consciousness and seeing many people huddled over my bed trying to give me all sorts of medicine. My coach's wife came with bowlfuls off watermelon (I do not know where she found it in the middle of winter) to lower my fever. My coach poured gallons of vinegar on the floor of my room and wrapped my feet in towels soaked in vinegar as well. They were all trying to get my fever down. They really thought I wasn't going to make it, but my mother's prayers were answered, and after a few worrisome days my fever settled down. I stayed confined in bed for another week before I could start skating again.

There was another incredibly important situation going on at the same time. The main national training center was in Beijing, but since the Olympics were over, my coach did not think that the federation would call the skaters to live, skate, and train there to prepare themselves for the season. I, of course, wanted to go there because I wanted to experience Beijing as well, but for some reason whenever I brought it up, my coach dismissed the conversation and said he did not want to go to Beijing. My mother and I had no understanding of why, and of course we thought if there was something he was hiding he would most likely not admit to it anyway.

Unfortunately for him the athletes were called in, and we were told we all had to go to Beijing to train for a while. There was a change in my coach's demeanor and he became uncannily tense. We were to all go by train to Beijing on an overnight trip. It was thrilling when my mother and I and all the other top skaters and their coaches were together on the train. The other skaters and I played cards and finally fell asleep in the bunk beds all lined up, one after another. My mother and I had contemplated flying to Beijing but we thought the experience of the team and the train was more valuable than the luxury of flying. It was fun, Chinese style! Oblivious to it all I was thrilled to be going to train in Beijing!

The training grounds there were similar to Harbin but a little more upper class in terms of conditions and much cleaner. At least, inside the buildings it was cleaner. Outside the people still spat and threw things everywhere. There was to be an international junior competition held in Beijing at the facility. I remember for that one week when all the international skaters were there, not one Chinese spat on the ground. It was a rule for that one week. The second they were gone it started all over again! It was remarkable to observe. You can change a man but never the culture within him!

I had some competitions I would have to attend in Europe. The Chinese skater who had organized our training stay had promised my coach would be able to travel with me to them, but as life would have it he was not able to leave. The Chinese government and federation had him on a tight leash and muzzle. So I went to the competitions alone, phoning in every day to my coach to ask how I should train that day and calling him with results right after I got off the ice. He coached me on the phone.

Even with no coach physically there, I never was more confident. I had to do a qualifying competition for Swiss Nationals in December of 1998 and I was excited to show my new jumps and amazing skating to the judges. The competition was in an ice rink as cold as Harbin had been! It was so freezing that I would have loved to compete with a ski suit on. It was in the Swiss Alps and in an open ice rink! For the six minutes warm up, I did just doubles. I felt the whispers of people talking to each other remarking coyly that “now Lucinda could not even master one triple!”

As my turn came I completed every single triple in the program, even with numb toes and fingers and cold air steaming out of my mouth! I was a huge success and judges came up to me afterward, saying they were puzzled as to why I only did doubles in the warm up and they wanted to know why. I felt I did not owe anything to them and pretended not to understand their question and walked away. These were the same people who denied me my Olympic spot. I did not feel I needed to explain anything to them nor did I wish to speak to them. Whatever the result, I just wanted the skating to speak for itself.

After this competition on our return to China there was more drama than I could have expected. I was still getting very sick every month and it got so bad sometimes that my mother and I honestly thought I was going to die. Really die. My mother was very scared and so was I. I was that sick and felt that horrible, and no one could help me. On the other hand, my coach had the other male skater and he was extraordinarily talented, doing quads left and right. He was the first skater ever to land two quads in one program. He was so talented and he was also so lazy. Whereas I was a workaholic, he never wanted to work. He was a very good kid, funny, and so kind hearted. He liked me more than a friend and we had a great relationship. He would sneak out of the campgrounds in the middle of the night and not return until sunrise. He would go to the game centers and play arcades all night long, have a couple of smokes, and maybe some alcohol. Nothing really bad. He just wanted to play all day.

We all longed to have his talent, but sometimes your greatest strength becomes your greatest weakness. My coach had hoped that my being there would motivate him and make him work, but my dedication did not influence him and his bad results at competitions were an indication of lack of practice. He was even starting to lose to his Chinese teammates. My mother and I knew if he did not skate well the federation would blame my presence for hindering him and taking time away from his coach. It would be my fault, so we always tried to help and support and push him to skate and train but he just wouldn't. He was so happy with his life and himself that he did not see the need to push himself. We were two opposite people and I think in the long run he taught me more valuable lessons than I could have ever taught him. He put life and enjoyment first and unfortunately it was at my expense.

There was another unavoidable problem. Money. My coach was the team leader in Harbin so he was in charge and could pay off the other team delegates to keep quiet, but in Beijing he would have to report to others. Now it was making sense to us why he hadn't wanted to go to Beijing. Since there had been no choice but to go to Beijing on their orders, word got around and everything fell apart. The federation and government were furious at my coach. It turned out he had taken American dollars and he been training me without telling them first. My parents thought everything had been properly arranged and when they found out, they were fuming at my coach as well. My mother and I were told that I would have to leave and he would not be allowed to teach me anymore.

My mother after practice one day went up to my coach and put both of her hands on him and just shook him before she collapsed into tears. She screamed at him, asking him how he dared to do this to such a young girl. How dare he ruin a dream and a life? It was the first time in a very long time I saw my mother so livid at someone else. I remember when I was a child in kindergarten, some mothers had gone behind my mother's and my back to do some awful things, and I saw my mom shake them too. But this was the first time I saw her fight for me over skating. I felt so loved and cared for. At that time I did not really understand everything. As I have said time and time again my parents were great about keeping all the surrounding organizations away from me. All I knew was that my favorite skating coach would be taken from me and not be able to teach me anymore. We had to leave.

Leave. That seemed a good idea. Leaving, I did that a lot. But it had always been my choice to leave, usually because I was in a terrible situation. No one had ever made me leave. I was told to go home and leave the country many times in Japan, but they were just threats. This was real. We had to leave since we knew the Chinese federation really wanted us to leave. They knew I would not take another coach and I am sure they would not have let any other coach train me anyway. It was their way of saying, “Please go. You do not belong here and you have caused enough damage.”

Having no choice, my mother and I solemnly packed our bags to go back home to Switzerland. We had no other place to go. This was all so sudden. Yes, Switzerland was still our home no matter how little we had lived there. No matter how much we denied it, it still was our only real home and in despair our only place to return to. My father was still there and we would reunite with him.

I could not believe that just when I had found the coach I wanted and liked so much, and just when my skating had become the best it had ever been, the carpet was ripped from beneath me. Why was this so hard? Was I making it so hard? Was I the culprit of it all? What was God trying to tell me? I was utterly speechless and disappointed beyond belief. I was even more devastated than when I was denied the Olympic spot. China had more impact on me in six months than Japan had on me in thirteen years. It had been an enrichment of a masterful six months. I believe there is a reason for everything and God must have known that six months was enough for me. China was not to be experienced longer and there was nothing I could do about it. Its run was over and now I would go on with my life to new experiences. I always believed in letting go of everything and every moment. When the time has passed it has passed.