Gasping - the Play (6 page)

CHIEF
(comfortably immobile with cigar):
Don’t worry, he’s just breaking down the tissue tension to help you
relax.

PHILIP:
Fantastic Ahhh! !
(he arches his
back violently, speaks with difficulty)
... He’s a really terrific relaxer......
Huhhh! !
(he slams his back down and raises his legs straight in the air,
all his weight on his shoulders)
Uhhh!!

CHIEF
(still puffing on cigar):
To the victor the spoils Philip, if anyone deserves a moment’s
relaxation you do.

PHILIP
(straining):
Major compliment received and appreciated Chief. Ahhh!!

(He flings
his legs all the way over so that his toes are on the bench behind his head, he
is completely doubled up.)

CHIEF:
People are choosing to purchase Suck
and Blow ahead of CD players, microwaves. We penetrate lower income brackets
daily. That’s what I admire about you Philip, you’re flexible.

PHILIP
(straining):
I like to think so Chief......Aaaahh!!

(He does a
full backward roll, coming up on his knees. He immediately slams himself face
down on the bench.)

CHIEF:
You bend with the marketing wind ...

PHILIP:
I certainly hope so Chief......Huurrrr!!
(face down, he lifts chest and knees from bench in a banana shape, balanced
on pelvis, then slams down)
Huurrrr!!

(He does this
a number of times while
CHIEF
carries on.)

CHIEF:
You turn with the trends, you’re
malleable Philip.

PHILIP
(throwing himself into a
headstand):
Chief, I’m just a cog, just a part of
the company machine, but I love the company, and when it comes to shifting
company product I swear I’m ready to slap my balls right on the line, again and
again and again.

CHIEF:
I’m sure Abdullah would be quite
happy to do that for you ...

PHILIP
(panicked):
No!! I’d hate to trouble him.

CHIEF:
Then perhaps another steam?

PHILIP
(very relieved):
I’d love one Chief.

CHIEF:
All right Abdullah, that will do ...
(PHILIP
collapses as if he has been being held up by the feet and has just
been dropped,
CHIEF
gets up)
Yes I’m delighted Philip. Why even here
in the gym, even through the steam it’s clear as crystal, one hundred per cent
sterilized, pure, private air.

PHILIP:
With a hint of damp pine on a dewy
morning if I’m not mistaken.

CHIEF:
Let me tell you Philip, I don’t miss
the reek of stale truss at all. It’s a pleasure to draw breath. As indeed it is
in any decent establishment in London these days.
(he walks across and
through the steam we see a Suck and Blow machine lurking in the corner, he
slaps it appreciatively)
I salute you. And of course your splendid team.
I’ve been delighted with the advertising campaign, that young girl is a marvel.
Terribly firm, I like that. It’s frisky.

PHILIP:
Kirsten is quite literally the best,
Chief. That little lady with the cute little ass could get the Pope to sanction
condom machines in confession boxes.

CHIEF
(wry):
Am
I to presume, Philip, that your . fancy is taken?

PHILIP:
It’s difficult not to be attracted
to total excellence Chief.

CHIEF:
I don’t normally condone liaisons
with contracted employees Philip. It blurs future negotiations. If you are
thinking of getting involved, I beg you to ask yourself the question, could you
marry her and sack her on the same day?

PHILIP:
I think partners who can’t sack each
other don’t have much of a relationship, do you Chief?

CHIEF:
Well all right then. But steady
laddie. Clever women take some handling. A beautiful tradesman’s entrance takes
the eye, then a keen mind picks the pocket.

PHILIP:
Well Chief, I have to say that I see
it differently. There’s no room in my life for some clueless popsy with a
cordon bleu cookery diploma, norkas like melons and a brain like a grape. If
that makes me a feminist then I make no apologies, but I’m sorry.

CHIEF:
I suppose a lot of you young fellows
are feminines these days. Personally, I’m still a bit of an old sexy myself and
I don’t mind admitting it.

PHILIP:
Different generations Chief,
different lifestyle requirements. If I want an attractive cocktail shaker I’ll
win the corporate squash tournament and get awarded one with my name engraved
on it.

CHIEF:
It’s an attitude I can only admire
Philip.
(jolly, a bit laddish)
Well as the saying goes, faint heart
never got serviced in a variety of interesting positions and locations so I
suggest you stop lolling about, pull on your shreddies and get courting.

PHILIP:
Reading you Chief.

(He gets up,
the steam has cleared. He begins to dress, perhaps there is a small chest-high
screen, or little block of lockers to do it behind, or else he just does it
under a towel.)

CHIEF:
So what’s your first move, eh? Get
her alone in the conservatory and slip her a box of choccies with an antique
French dildo nestling in the second layer?

PHILIP:
If only.

CHIEF:
Too subtle you think?

PHILIP:
Oh no it’s not that, it’s just that ...
well to tell you the truth I’m not awfully good when it comes to talking to
totty. Oh I’m all right with business but when it comes to anything remotely
gropey, I’m a clam. I took Kirsten to dinner only last week, and we talked
about nothing but sucking and blowing all evening ... Ended up discussing the
staff, she nearly managed to poach Sandy off me, clever bitch ... I just could
not bring myself to nudge the situation onto more intimate lines.

CHIEF:
Like so many great men before you, a
daunting figure of power and confidence in battle, but a gawking, shuffling boy
in matters fruity eh?

PHILIP:
That’s me Chief. It’s a hell of a
handicap when you’re trying to unload your cherry, I can tell you Sir. I got so
tongue-tied on any subject but work that she actually mentioned it. Said I was
hopeless at small talk, said any girl interested in me would probably have to
pitch in and damn well ask me herself.

CHIEF:
Well whatever the situation is
vis
à vis
cherry disposal Philip, you mustn’t let it distract you from the main
task, and that is the continued success of Suck and Blow
(again he slaps the
machine).
We must be very careful, we’re in danger of becoming victims of
that very success. The Japanese are already in. It hasn’t taken those clever
fellows long to strip down a sucker and wrest from it its secret.

PHILIP
(bitterly):
And as far as Mr Suzuki-Mitsubushi-the-war-was-nothing-to-do-with-me-squire
is concerned we can stuff our patents-pending right up our polite English bum
holes. These people just don’t play fair Chief. Look at what they did to the
British motor industry! Deliberately and maliciously destroying it by making
better cars. They have a four and a half
million
letter alphabet and
they still can’t spell the word ‘decency’.

CHIEF:
Well you started this Philip, it is
your job to keep us ahead. I’m giving you
full
responsibility, I want
you to live, sleep and
breathe
‘air’.

PHILIP:
It will be the deepest of privileges
Chief. After all, Suck and Blow isn’t just about money. Hell, let the Japs have
a piece. We are building the future here, making a better, healthier, cleaner
world for our children ...

CHIEF:
Children eh? I must say this clever
little lady with the attractive cul-de-sac certainly seems to have made an
impression.

PHILIP:
Well I don’t know Chief, call me a
total drip if you like but things just seem to be so bloody
right
at the
moment; major career upswing, beautiful girl...... As long as I can sort out
the old nerves and slip her an offer that is.

CHIEF:
You will lad, you will, you can’t
help being sensitive. Now have you got my briefs?

PHILIP:
No question Chief: live, sleep and
breathe
air. I’m with you.

CHIEF:
No, I meant have you got my briefs?
These aren’t mine,
(pair of pants)
they’ve got a cartoon representation
of a maggot emerging from an apple on the front, and the words ‘girl bait’.

PHILIP:
What! good lord, sorry Chief, wasn’t
thinking, sorry.
(he is dressed, checks in his trousers)
Silly Christmas
present, keep meaning to chuck them ...

CHIEF:
Philip, believe me, you’re the top
coming man, but I don’t think you’re quite ready to move into my underpants
yet, eh?

PHILIP:
God forbid Chief.

CHIEF:
I don’t need his help, I give my own
orders. You’ve got yours, now give me my skidders, bung on your own, get out
there and turn the whole nation into suckers.

SCENE SIX

KIRSTEN’s
office. New story boards and
stuff.

There is a large shiny Suck and Blow in corner.

PHILIP:
I don’t believe this Kirsten, why
it’s not two months since the Chief told me to live, sleep and breathe air!
There can’t be a problem!

KIRSTEN:
Philip I don’t care what Sir
Chiffley said, I’m telling you, the first surge is over. With the Japs and the
Yanks in, competition is getting more intense and demand is falling. We have
definitely got a glitch in the gusset.

PHILIP:
Hell, bugger.

KIRSTEN:
I’ve got figures to pitch at you
that will be harder to swallow than an Aeroflot breakfast.

PHILIP
(into portable phone):
Hold all calls.

KIRSTEN:
Sales-wise, my research teams are
predicting downswing.

PHILIP:
Downswing or Plummet swing?

KIRSTEN:
The household and domestic market
is dead set to dump faster than an Italian-made kite.

PHILIP:
Are you saying that there is a
problem with
the
boom product of the decade?

KIRSTEN:
Problem is not a word I like Phil,
me and the word ‘problem’ do not get along. If the word ‘problem’ were to take
me out for the evening I’d be home by nine-thirty and curled up with a good
book five minutes later.

PHILIP:
Well quite.

KIRSTEN:
Nonetheless, production is
definitely too high for the current market to absorb. Lockheart have shifted
three
million
units in the UK alone, never mind Sony, Westinghouse, K-Tel. Even
the Sinclair model is selling and that pumps nitrogen ... look at this ...