Gasping - the Play (2 page)

CHIEF:
The point I am trying to make
gentlemen, is that this
(the painting)
is a Pot Noodle. And this ...
(takes
Spanish picture)
by a matter of coincidence is also a Pot Noodle. Do you
want to know what a Pot Noodle is?

PHILIP:
Uhm it’s a painting?

CHIEF:
A Pot Noodle is the most beautiful
thing on Earth. It is a new way of making money. A way of making money ...
where
no money existed before:
the very definition of excitement.

PHILIP:
Look, I’m probably being thicker
than a middle manager’s filofax here Chief, but I’m just not in an
‘understanding you’ mode at all. Uhm what
is
a Pot Noodle?

CHIEF:
It’s a large plastic cup containing
chemically-saturated dried spaghetti and peas to which the consumer is
instructed to add boiling water.

PHILIP:
Ye-e-s ... and perhaps you could
talk me through the significance factor on this one ...

CHIEF:
The most unlikely food stuff in
history. When they launched it nobody gave it a chance ... Nonetheless, against
all expectations the market not only absorbed it, but embraced it. There was no
drop in sales of any other form of food. Money had been generated where
no
money existed before.

PHILIP
(very impressed):
And all because of one bonkers, iron-willed trouble-shooter who put
his balls into a cup of spaghetti.

CHIEF:
Only the British could market Pot
Noodle, because only the British would eat them. That unknown marketing hero
had faith in the concrete, rat-like digestive system of the British consumer
and he’s been in profit since day one.

PHILIP:
My God Chief, that’s probably the
most inspirational anecdote I’ve come across since I first leafed through my
Gideon in a Holiday Inn.

CHIEF:
Pot Noodles come in all shapes and
sizes. This picture is worth seventy-two million because that’s what I paid for
it, nothing to do with its intrinsic value. There’s probably more light and
colour in a packet of fruit-flavoured Polos. What makes the thing so special is
that when I sell it the bidding will
start
at seventy-two million. This
(the
Spanish painting)
is a Pot Noodle ... Who could possibly have predicted
that anyone would want anything so ugly, and yet some brilliant fellow thought
of printing them onto hardboard and getting Woolworth’s to stock them next to
the Pick’n’Mix. Anyone worth their company BMW can carve a bigger share of an
existing market, but show me the person who can make a pound where there was
no
pound to be made.
That’s the fellow who’s going to be sitting alongside me
and the board in the executive Jacuzzi whirlpool bath.

PHILIP:
The executive Jason Chief, that’s a
mightily big carrot!

CHIEF:
Find me a Pot Noodle and you’re in it
Philip, what’s more you can sit on one of the jets. Find me a Pot Noodle!!
Bring the excitement back! Make me some money where no money existed. Make an
old man happy!!

SCENE TWO

Cut to darkness.

The sounds of a squash court, the huge grunting of the players, the
banging of the ball, followed by anguished shouts of self-loathing.

(HUR!-BONK HUR!-BONK HUR!-BONK
...)
Hell
bugger-it!!

(HUR!-BONK HUR!-BONK HUR!-BONK
...) Oh
for
Christ’s
sake what the
hell
am I
doing!

(HUR!-BONK HUR!-BONK HUR!-BONK
...)
Come
on,
God I’m playing like a
total prat.

(HUR!-BONK HUR!-BONK HUR!-BONK...)
Bollocks!

(SANDY
and
PHILIP
front of stage in squash gear, they put their phones
down. They have rackets but they mime the ball. They face outwards towards the
audience who are the back wall.)

PHILIP:
Well I must say I’m looking forward
to a couple of punishing points of ‘wallop the bollock’ eh Sandy?

SANDY:
In likewise mode Philip!

(They warm up
etc.)

PHILIP:
Feeling pretty trim actually — by
bugger I’ve pumped so much iron lately you could melt me down and beat me into
a canteen of cutlery.

SANDY:
I’ll lob one up shall I?

PHILIP:
Give it your best shot young Sandy.

SANDY
(mimes a hard serve with a
grunting):
Huuurrrr!! PHILIP
(mimes a return
with an even bigger):
Huuurrrrrrrr!!!

(PHILIP
bobs about as if ready to return again, but
SANDY
has relaxed and is looking behind
him at the ground. It is clear that despite
PHILIP’S
huge lunge and grunt, he missed his shot
‘completely.)

SANDY:
Out.

PHILIP
(realizing):
Hmmm, yes, I suppose
technically
it is, yes, not bad Sandy,
not bad at all, but you’re putting far too much curve on it. Try to imagine
that there’s an invisible string attaching your right wrist to your left ear.
Here, look, I’ll show you.
(he picks up the imaginary ball and plays shot
with huge grunt,
SANDY
returns,
PHILIP
lunges, grunts and misses
again)
You forgot the string Sandy, you’re not concentrating are you? You’d
better serve, give you the edge.

SANDY:
Right you are, love all then.

PHILIP:
Love all it is. (SANDY
is
about
to serve,
PHILIP
stops him)
Of course I can’t blame you for being
off your stroke after the session we had with the Chief this morning. He
certainly is an inspiration.

SANDY:
Mmm. So it’s love-all.

PHILIP:
And not likely to change until you
serve, old scout.

SANDY
(gives him a look and then serves):
Hurrr
(BONK).

PHILIP:
I mean, working the ...
(ball
hits wall BONK)
kind of hours I do ...

(PHILIP
returns BONK
...)

PHILIP: ...
a fellow needs a passion ...
(ball
hits wall BONK)
for some people there’s always birds I suppose ...

(SANDY
returns BONK.)

PHILIP:
... but not me I’ve no time for
totty
(ball hits wall BONK)
... Ha!!!

(PHILIP
makes huge lunge and swipe, and
misses. The ball goes Dibbly Dibbly.)

SANDY:
One-love.

PHILIP:
Mmmm, did you see what I was trying
to show you there? Cross-court wrong foot, well worth picking up.

SANDY
(picking up ball and preparing
serve):
One-love.

PHILIP:
Technically yes.

SAN
DY
(serves):
Hurrrr
(BONK).

PHILIP:
Quite frankly ...
(ball hits wall
BONK)
... if I do make totty time ...

(PHILIP
hits ball BONK.)

PHILIP: ...
the ruddy girl’s ...
(ball
hits wall BONK) always
busy. Amazing ...

(It was a
lob,
SANDY
watches it
land, turns round and plays it off back wall BONK
...)

PHILIP
(turning round as well):
Ah, now your problem is ...
(Ball hits wall BONK. They both turn
out again
...
ball goes Dibble Dibble.)

SANDY:
My point.

PHILIP:
Ye-es, but it could so easily not
have been ... I played my drop plonker shot into your gutter.

SANDY:
Two-love
(walking forward to pick
up ball).

PHILIP:
So there you were with my plonker in
your gutter and you go to pieces, start looking the wrong way and God knows
what. Can’t blame you really, it is pretty disconcerting when one considers
just how ruddy busy girls are these days. Sometimes I can’t believe how busy
they are.

SANDY:
I find they can usually make time.
Two-love.
(he serves)
Hurrr
(BONK).

PHILIP:
Actually we’re lucky really,
(ball
hits wall BONK)
more time to ...

(PHILIP
hits ball BONK.)

PHILIP: ...
forge that career ...
(ball
hits wall BONK)
... dream those dreams.

(SANDY
hits ball BONK.)

PHILIP:
Sir Chiffley gave us ...
(ball
hits wall BONK)
... a dream today ...

(SANDY
hits ball very hard BONK. Almost immediately it hits wall BONK.
PHILIP
lunges, misses, we hear it hit
side wall BONK,
PHILIP
lunges
feebly as ball hits three other walls BONK BONK BONK. Finally it goes Dibble
Dibble.)

PHILIP:
You see Sandy, that was all over the
place.

SANDY:
Three-love.

PHILIP:
I don’t blame you for being
distracted. What an inspiration the old man is. Just imagine it Sandy,
aeroplanes were Pot Noodles once, and artificial limbs. Hang on to that, it’ll
see you through when the bulls turn into bears and some secretary’s put herbal
tea in the Kenco. By crikey, it’d be a pretty strange fellow who could get
lonely doing the sort of big, important job we do. Quite frankly I don’t have
time
to get lonely.

SANDY:
It’s three-love. Are you ready ...

PHILIP:
No, bugger it! We’ve got work to do!
(slap on back, walks of])
Come on soldier, bugger your introspection, if
you want to be a philosopher, get a job with Channel Four. We’ve got arses to
kick. So we’ll call it a draw, eh?

SCENE THREE

Sir Chiffley’s office, as in scene one. It is a month later, it
would be nice if a plant or two had flowered.

The
CHIEF
and
MISS HODGES.

CHIEF
(perhaps just the slightest hint of
adjusting tie):
Thank you Miss Hodges, that was
beautifully done. I don’t think I’ve ever known a secretary who could handle a
ledger quite like you can.

MISS HODGES:
It’s kind of you to say so Sir
Chiffley.

CHIEF:
And such a very heavy one.

MISS HODGES:
I’m glad of the exercise Sir.