Gasping - the Play (5 page)

PHILIP:
Class?

KIRSTEN:
Exactly.

PHILIP:
Wine glasses the size of buckets ...
(Plenty of movement, they act it out.)

KIRSTEN:
Only three items on the menu ...

PHILIP:
Portions so small you think you’ve
got a dirty plate and it turns out to be your
main course
...
(getting
excited)
a hundred and fifty pounds for a splash of raspberry sauce with a
squiggly vanilla line through the middle ... We are talking the very
best
in
executive dining.

KIRSTEN:
Fine, so you have the venue ... close-up
on two young executive lovers having pre-sex dinner.
(she makes a lens of
her fingers, as directors are wont to do)
They are a class act. She is one
heck
of a lady, essentially romantic, but romantic on
her
terms. She has
a body that says ‘screw me’, but watch out because in business hours she’ll
screw
you,
and screw you to the
wall.
We’re looking at a sort of
young Meryl Streep with shades of Sigourney Weaver, Jodie Foster, Cher and
Sylvester Stallone.

PHILIP:
I
like
this lady. What about
the guy?

KIRSTEN:
Let’s just say that our high-class
chick is thinking about giving up everything to have his children.

PHILIP:
I hope he realizes the kind of
levels he’s lucked out at.

KIRSTEN:
He does, he’s one heck of a guy ...
Sandy, you read ‘man in restaurant’; I’ll read ‘sexy girl’ ...

(KIRSTEN
gives him a designer folder.)

PHILIP:
Uhm, hang on, uhm ... don’t you
think it would be better if I read ‘man in restaurant’? Just a thought.

KIRSTEN:
OK you get the part, try it very
Michael Douglas.
(she sits at a convenient table, and acts)
... ‘So
darling, next stop the Tokyo posting.’

PHILIP:
Right, OK, here goes ...
(acting)
‘I’m afraid not darling, they’ve given Tokyo to Simon.’

KIRSTEN
(acting):
‘But you’re by far the best man ...

PHILIP
(acting):
‘I’m afraid you’re going to miss out on all the perks. The
magnificent access to Far Eastern shopping facilities, the gorgeous little
Sushi bars, the Samurai servants ...

KIRSTEN
(acting):
‘Such a shame you didn’t get it.’

PHILIP
(acting):
‘Oh I got it all right, I just didn’t take it. The office doesn’t
have Suck and Blow.’

KIRSTEN:
And then the voice-over comes in,
imagine the man from the Dairy Spread commercials ...
(hitting tape
recording)

TAPE:
‘Remember, a man prepared to breathe
second-rate air will probably be prepared to deliver second-rate product. If
your people deserve it, fit Suck and Blow.’

PHILIP
(thrilled):
But this is wonderful, I mean absolutely Barry brilliant! Just
totally and utterly Barry!

KIRSTEN:
It has class Philip.

PHILIP:
It has more class than a
Sunday
Times
Wine Club special-selection case.

KIRSTEN
(more groovy designer folders):
Item Two uses a similar couple, in a power seduction situation. It’s
his flat and the lady is hot right? The coffee and Armagnac are all through and
she’s just about ready to climb aboard and rut her horny little ass off. She
just wants to bang her gorgeous, muscly, workaholic, over-achieving boyfriend
till his dick falls off.

PHILIP:
Ha ha, believe me, I’ve been that
guy.

KIRSTEN:
Then you’d better read it again.

(She slaps
another groovy designer folder across at him.)

PHILIP:
Sorry Sandy, perks of seniority ...

KIRSTEN
(acting):
‘Mmm, lovely coffee ... I must say you seem to have everything in
your beautiful apartment ... the best food ... the best wine ... Only the best
of everything, I like that in a man.’

PHILIP
(acting):
‘There’s a pool on the roof, I thought we might swim a little later ...‘
(aside to
SANDY) This is
superb!

KIRSTEN
(acting):
‘As long as it’s secluded ... I don’t have a swim-suit.
(she
sniffs)
Is something burning? ... Apart from me that is.’

PHILIP
(aside to
SANDY):
I can’t
believe
this stuff,
it’s just
so
believable ...
(acting)
‘Ha ha, that’s the caviar
and truffle soufflé ruined.’

KIRSTEN
(acting):
‘Never mind, I’m not hungry — for food, and the Suck and Blow will
soon clear the air.’

PHILIP
(acting embarrassed):
‘Uhm ... hmm ... yes ... I’ll just open a window shall I?’

KIRSTEN
(acting suddenly cold):
‘Is that the time? I really must be going.’
(hitting tape recording)

TAPE:
‘If you haven’t got a Suck and Blow,
you haven’t got anything at all.’

PHILIP
(very excited):
Kirsten, I don’t know what to say. It’s quite simply utterly
stunning, it could not be more quite simply utterly stunning if you’d written
it on a sledge-hammer and bashed young Sandy here over the head with it. Class,
you said? This campaign has more class than the
Royal Family!

KIRSTEN:
If you can sell the product into
the shops I anticipate commencing a saturation sweep within a matter of weeks.
We should be picking up our first major advertising industry awards soon after
that.

SANDY:
It’s a magnificent campaign, we’ll
sweep the board.

PHILIP:
A campaign’s no use at all without
product outreach. Come along Sandy my son, we’ve production targets to reach.
Check you later Kirsty.

KIRSTEN:
You can always get me on the
portable.
(They go,
KIRSTEN
begins to assemble her stuff
PHILIP
returns
alone.)

PHILIP
(sincere tone):
Kirsten I am a busy man, I did not arrive at where I am today by
beating myself with a bush, so I’ll put it bluntly. I’m a plain and simple man
with plain and simple tastes and I like to see a woman who is both. Can we do
dinner?

KIRSTEN:
Why not, that would be lovely.

PHILIP:
That’s OK, no hassle, forget it, I
respect a woman who is busy ... What!

(Blackout.
During the darkness we hear a Capital Radio ad break with a fake Suck and Blow
ad in the middle.)

DJ: And we’ll be back with the Capital weather, news of the Help a
London Child appeal and of course lots more music, after this ...

(Two or three
real ads, followed by
...)

MUM’S VOICE:
Well Jenny, that’s the floor
done, I’ve cleaned the house from top to bottom, everything’s sparkling and
clean for your birthday party.

LITTLE JENNY’S VOICE:
No it isn’t Mummy.

MUM’S VOICE
(laughing indulgently):
All right Jenny, what have I missed?

JENNY:
All the lead, the carbon, the
nicotine, the dried dead skin cells, the human methane, oh lots and lots of
horrid poisonous muck!

MUM:
Well I can’t see any of that dear.

JENNY:
You can’t see it Mummy, but it’s
there and I’m going to have the dirtiest, most unhealthy birthday party in my
class.

VOICE OVER:
Doesn’t your child deserve the
benefits of Suck and Blow ... ? Other people’s air: it’ll get right up your
nose.

SCENE FIVE

Front of stage,
PHILIP
and
CHIEF
wander
on with towels wrapped round waists, dripping, wet and sudsy.

CHIEF
(puffing on huge cigar):
So young fellow, your first dip in the top nobs’ Jacuzzi whirlpool
bath. I’m sure your telephone will be fine when it’s dried out a bit.

PHILIP:
It’s a legal problem now Chief. When
I purchase hardware purporting to be executive level equipment I simply
presume
that it’s whirlpool bath compatible. Surely that
has
to be the
bottom line.

CHIEF
(taking a robe from an imaginary
servant):
Thank you, that will be all ...
(to
PHILIP)
Absolutely first-class steam-room attendant. Totally respectful. It’s not often
you get respected as well as that these days is it Philip? Respect like that is
a rare and precious thing.

PHILIP:
Oh no question, the guy gave really
terrific respect. Respect-wise, he’s a senior talent, a genuine first-division
respecter.

CHIEF:
One of the little perks of being at
the top Philip, is being respected as well as that. Respected by people who
really
know
how to respect. You’re going to find yourself on the
receiving end of that quality of respect more and more often Philip.

PHILIP:
Sounds like pretty heady wine Chief.

CHIEF:
Well, I think you know that you’ve
earned it. You’ve masterminded a Pot Noodle of quite simply colossal
proportions. Suck and Blow is the marketing phenomenon of the decade.

PHILIP:
Yes, and even more satisfying than
the money Chief is that we’ve improved the quality of people’s lives.

CHIEF:
Yes, well of course you’re right, the
social contribution we’re making is nice too ...

(There are a
couple of benches for massage.
CHIEF
addresses an invisible masseur.)

Just oil me up and calm me down would you, thank you so much ...
(to
another imaginary attendant)
It’s my young friend here’s first time so
loosen him up a bit eh? untie the old muscular knots and bash him into shape,
splendid....
(as they get on the benches)
You’ll enjoy this Philip,
nothing like a massage to relax you after an executive steam.

PHILIP:
Yes, I once had a massage in Bangkok,
terrific.
(getting on the other bench, discreetly to the imaginary servant)
Just
the straight stuff OK? don’t bother with the gentleman’s executive relief or
the lollipop game ... Mmm, oh yes, most relaxing.
(trying to imply total
relaxation and enjoyment)
Oh, oh oh oh
yes,
mmm, that’s terrific mm
mmm ...
(he screams)
Ahh!

(He flings
his legs apart
...
i.e.
as if the imaginary masseur was pulling him violently.)