Gazelle (22 page)

“
Remembe
r‘
Heights
?
’”
“
Duh
.
”
              He chuckles and kicks at the crumbling asphalt with his wingtip.
 “
Okay, well.  Right before I signed on for that, I started dating Lindsay
.
”

              Alice pulls her hood up and stares up at the clouds moving swiftly over head.
 “
Lindsay Taylor
.
”
“
Yeah
.
”
“
I kindaremember that
,
” she lies.

              She fully remembered, having Googled every detail about Julian when he hired her.  She knew more about his life than any other non-relative or stalker.  But even before that, when he was still a mythical distraction for the masses, she had seen the tabloids in shopping markets when they broke off.  She remembered thinking how goofy he looked and how dumb the whole thing was.  She remembered thinking how lame celeb drama was, how lame he looked, like a pouty child who had his toy taken away.  It was
n’
t until she asked CeCe about it that she realized just how serious it had actually been.  It was a strange moment for Alice, as she realized there was a real person in the pictures, reduced to a cheesy looking hunk next to gum and candy, and how she had disregarded one of the worst moments of his life like an ad on TV or a billboard.

“
Yea
h…
it did
n’
t go well.  It went pretty badly, actually.  It was a struggle to get through takes.  I starte
d
…” he drifts off, remembering how much he hated working on that movie, how it was and always would be some of his best work, yet he could not bring himself to watch it even for a moment.
“
What happened
?
”
              He shoves his hands in his pocket and starts walking along the edge of the breaking asphalt, back towards home, her trailing after him in slow, steady steps.

“
Have you ever had anyone cheat on you
?
” he asks.
“
Sure
.
”

“
Really?  Someone yo
u…
thought you were going to marry
?
”
“
Yea
h…
.Anthony
.
”
“
Anthony?  Anthony cheated on you
?
”
“
Yea
h…
I walked in on him.  I stopped by like, for a surprise.  I was going to take him to breakfast.  His mom let me in,she did
n’
t know he was
n’
t alone.  I walked in and they were curled up against one another, sleepin
g
…”
“
Wha
t’
d you do
?
”
“
I beat the living hell out of him.  His mom came running in, saw what was happening and pulled me away, it was the only way I would stop.  There was blood everywhere, I broke his nose
.
”
“
Oh!....Tha
t’
s what he meant!  The left nostril
!
” He laughs.

“
Yeah, wel
l…I’
m not really proud of it.  I never thought I had that kind of violence in me.  But it was so humiliating.  I just stood there, like, feeling like I was
n’
t me, I was in some bad dream.  And I kept telling myself to just walk out the door and i
t’
d be like it never happened.  But the second I pictured myself doing that, I knew it was a lie.  And then I just snapped
.
”

“
You really loved him
.
”
“
No, no it was over a long time before this
,
” she says quickly, blushing as she recalls her earlier interaction with Anthony.
 “
Which made it worse because I let it happen, I let myself be humiliated like that for nothing
.
”
              She sniffs and tugs on the do
g’
s leash gently.
 “
Wha
t’
d you do
?
”
              He does
n’
t respond immediately, replaying the image of Alice losing control.  He sees her beating the massive man he met and feels a twinge of rage, heartache at the suffering she endured.
 “
That must of hurt
.
”
“
Yea
h…
you know it did.  What did you do, Julian
?
”
              He smiles and catches himself from sliding off crumbling asphalt.
 “
Nothing
.
”

“
Nothing
?
”
“
No.  Not a fucking thing.  There was nothing to do.  We were in love, crazy love.  We spent every second we could together.  It was unbelievable, we had so much in common.  Never fought, never a moment of doubt, you know?  I was all about her.  Mike hounded me constantly to get ready for the shoot.  He begged me, never let up, not once.  But I did
n’
t give a fuck.  I never felt that way for anyone.  Not like that.  And the
n…
she jus
t…
stopped calling
.
”
“
Just like that
?
”
“
Yeah.  I was in New York, doing a series of photo shoots and rapping everything up so I could stay out in L.A. for awhile, you know?
 ‘
Height
s
’ was supposed to be the beginning.  The script was perfect, the director brilliant, it was made to be a real film, my first real film.  Not some dumb love story or action bullshit.  It was gonnabe everything I always dreamed of, and the beginning of my life, really.  So I went to New York to put everything in order.  I was gone a week and I could
n’
t get a hold of her, at all.  I was going ape shit, just, fucking
ballistic
, trying to reach anyone who talked to her or saw her, anything.  They just kept reassuring me she was fine and that I would see her when I got back.  Even Mike, fucking Mike, gave me a line.  He met me out in New York to fly back with me, telling me I needed to chill, telling me everything was fine and that he would explain once we got back to L.A..  So we got on the plane home and he sits next to me, all somber.  He does
n’
t say anything, and I know i
t’
s bad because Mike never shuts the fuck up.  And then he hands me a tabloid.  Only i
t’
s not just another tabloid, i
t’
s fucking People.  Sh
e’
s on the cover with Jeff Warn, big headlin
e‘
Engaged
!
’ and underneath, a bad picture of me scowling, and the word
s‘
Bad Boy Just Too Hard To Handle
.
’
 
Nothing else
.
”

              She remembers the rise of his tough guy image after that.  He went from being a dorky, soft white boy to a total hard ass over night.
 “
You never heard from her
?
”
“
No
.
”
“
You did
n’
t try and find her
?
”
“
…
No, not really.  I did
n’
t believe it, you know?  I thought it was just some publicity stunt and that maybe she was hiding out somewhere to make it seem more real.  It made no sense.  I mean,she dropped me off at the fucking airport.  She smiled and told me she loved me and would miss me, even said sh
e’
d try and get out there for a few days towards the end of the week.  Maybe we could go shopping or go to some bullshit foodie restaurant she saw on Food Network.  There was absolutely no indication she felt otherwise.  S
o…
I did
n’
t do anything because I thought it was just a stunt.  And then they were getting married. 
I
…” he stops and bites his upper lip, realizing it was the first time he had ever spoken of this.  Julian was instantly overwhelmed with embarrassment, feeling exposed.  In that second, he detached himself from his own reality and began to speak of the events as if they happened to a character he had been playing.  He smiled and began again.
 “
The wedding was undeniablelynot a stunt.  She was
n’
t coming back.  I began to think she was never real, none of it was.  I felt beyond stupid. Like a joke everyone but me got. I really was a tabloid and nothing more. And nothing I felt about her seemed real, only I knew it was because it broke me. It threw everything out of control for me, I could
n’
t trust my instincts and tha
t’
s really all you have.   If you ca
n’
t trust the one thing you believed in, undoubtedly, the one thing that was anchoring you to reality, if
tha
t’
s
not real, then yo
u’
re fucked
.
”
“
You snapped
.
”

“
Wel
l
…” he sighs, studying the wisps moving quickly towards the hills.
 
“
‘
Snappe
d
’ is a strong word.  I think I retreated.  Sort of disappeared for awhile
.
”

              He would not tell her about the panic attacks, the bouts of agoraphobia that prevented him from leaving his apartment for weeks immediately after.  He would not tell her about the six weeks he spent living in a cabin in Oregon his family owned by himself, fighting his depression, his suicidal thoughts.  His whole life was one big, vapid lie, he was worthless, pointless and the most daunting of all realities, he would never be anything real.  There would be no such thing a
s‘
rea
l
’ for him.  Everything would be a succession of lies that would convince him they were true.  And he would die, never really having been anything tangible.

              How he could bring himself to trust himself again? 

              He would not tell her about his eventual return to New York, finally, as a character rather than himself, partying like he never had, working on several crap movies at once, never stopping again to acknowledge his failure or question his identity.  Instinct was not something you contemplated, he had to learn to trust it again by immersing himself in situations that required him t
o‘
do or di
e’
, hesitationwas not an option.  But none of it would have surprised her.  She glances sidelong at his face, contorted to an expression he had once told her was th
e“
Michael Corleon
e
” he used to betray nothing of his true self.  It was an expression he wore often enough that most people believed it was his own.  But she had come to recognize it as hi
s“
Hard Time
s
” face, an expression he wore when there was much more pain involved than what he could even talk about.

              They reach the cottage and she moves in first, him standing at the door staring at her nightshirt peeking from the coat.
 “
I guess, what really kind of bothers me about-about even considering dating someone like Sharleenis how do I know it wo
n’
t happen again?  How do I know that
I’
ll know the difference
?
”
“
Yo
u’
re too hard on yourself
,
” she sighs.
 “
Lots of people get suckered.  Lots of people
let
themselves get suckered.  And, sure, i
t’
s scary as hell and potentially painful.  But tha
t’
s what makes it so exciting.  The element of danger, the risk.  So you make good choices and you find someone you trust, wh
o’
s worth your trust.  You find someone you can open your heart to, and wh
o’
s got your back.  And hope for the best, I guess
.
”

“
What if I ca
n’
t
?
”
“
You can.  Yo
u’
re a good guy, you can do it
.
”