Gazelle (25 page)

              He hangs up the phone and stares up at her from beneath his brow, chewing his upper lip.

“
Wha
t’
s up
?
” she asks.

“
You tell me
.
”
“
What are you talking about
?
”
“
You know what
I’
m talking about.  What happened at Sharlee
n’
s
?
”
“
Nothing.  I dropped off her shit
.
”
“
Did you say anything
?
”
“
About
?
”
“
Did you give her attitude
.
”
“
No more than usual
.
”
              He sighs and rubs his scalp.
 “
What the hell, Alice.  Why
?
”
“
Why is it a big deal
?
”
“
The big deal is that sh
e’
s my girlfriend.  You hurt her feelings.  Sh
e’
s trying to be nice, sh
e’
s trying to help and she thinks you hate her
.
”
“
I do
n’
t hate her
.
”

              He gives her a look. 

“
Okay, I do hate her.  But you do
n’
t understand
!
”
“
No,
you
do
n’
t understand.  I do
n’
t need this caddy bullshit, not right now. 
I’
m having a hard enough time as it is with this fucking movie, my goddamn family is coming into town next week, Mik
e’
s riding my ass about that pile of scripts which you said you were gonnago through
-
“
“
I did
!
”
“
Where are your notes, huh?  If you did, wher
e’
re yo
u’
re notes
?
”
“
I gave them to Sharleenwhen you guys went to Costa Rica.  She said sh
e’
d make sure you read them
.
”
              He snorts and shakes his head.
 “
I
t’
s not
her
responsibility to make sure I read, i
t’
s yours!  What the hell is happening here?  Is this too much for you
?
”
“
What?!No
!
”

“
Then what, huh?  Tell me.  What
?
”

“
Nothing! 
I’
m fine!  I do
n’
t know why yo
u’
re totally overreacting
.
”
“
Fuck that,
I’
m no
t‘
overreacting
.
’
 
If anything, I should have taken care of this in the beginning
.
”

“
Meaning
?
”
“
Meaning somethin
g’
s going on with you
.
”
“
With
me
?
”

“
Yeah,
you! 
If you have something to say, just say it, okay? I do
n’
t have time for this passive aggressive shit anymore,
I’
m so fucking sick of it
.
”
“
You wannaknow wha
t’
s going on
?
”
“
Yes!  Jesus
!
”
“
Fine!  I
t’
s not
me
, i
t’
s you.  This is all you.  Yo
u’
re flipping out over nothing, like, all the time.  Everythin
g’
s fine
-
”

“
Everything is not fine
!
”
“
Yes, it is!  Yo
u’
re freaking out because your gonnastart filming soon.  Yo
u’
re all megatrontestosterone 24/7!  The only time you are
n’
t is when she comes around and drags you out into public for another photo op where you
have
to look happy
!
”
“
Yea
h…
thank god I have he
r
…”
              Alice bites her lip and looks away, her eyes narrowing.
 “
Yeah, you get to ignore yourself completely
.
”
“
See, tha
t’
s the shit
I’
m talking about!  Wha
t’
s
that
suppose to mean, huh?  Really
?
”
“
I do
n’
t-I do
n’
t know.  I just...w
e’
re all worried about you, tha
t’
s all
.
”
“
You are?  Really?  Great, then do something about it.  Stop picking these goddamn little cat fights with Sharleenand do what you said you do
!
”
“
I am
!
”
“
No, you are
n’
t!  You said yo
u’
d be there, no matter what
!
”
“
I am
!
”
“
This is th
e‘
no matter what
,
’” he says, jabbing a finger at the ground and staring at her hard.
 “
Doing shit you do
n’
t want to, putting up with shit you do
n’
t want to so that
I
do
n’
t have to!  I told you i
t’
d get rough and you said
,‘
Blah, blah, blah,
I’
m from Oaktown, you do
n’
t know from rough
.
’ Remember
?
”
“
Yeah, I remember.  And I am still here.  You can shatter all the fucking mirrors in this ridiculous place, break my stupid phones, I do
n’
t give a fuck.  I wo
n’
t fucking flinch
.
”
              He hangs his head, shaking it from side to side.
 “
You are not here.  If you were here, you would
n’
t be making my life any harder with Sharleen.  Do you think
I’
m blind? 
I’
m that self-absorbed I ca
n’
t sense it?  I
t’
s like dull, little knives stabbing my eyeballs every time I have to watch the two of you interact.  You completely shut down and just stand there with this-suffocating
silence
that reminds me of my fucking
family,
just-like, fuckin
g…
judging
her and
me
!
”
“
Tha
t’
s a little bit much, do
n’
t you think
?
” Alice snaps.

“
Alice, I like her, I like her
a lot
.  I do
n’
t know why you hate her, and, frankly, I do
n’
t care anymore.  I just need you to have my back on this
.
”
              Alice stares hard at him for a long time.
 “
I do. You are blind if you think I do
n’
t
.
”
              He looks up at her and nods.
 “
Okay.  Good.  Because this, how it is now, this is before I have to go to work.  And I ca
n’
t do it like this, not with petty shit like this hanging over me.  I do
n’
t need it
.
”

              A tense silence falls over them, both of them wrapped in the words of the other.  She fights off the hurt, his face contorted with such coldness and detachment.  It was the first time she ever felt like an employee.  She knew most of that was
n’
t about her.  She had been feeling the lash of his displaced anxiety for a while now.  She suddenly felt ridiculous and degraded to think she had taken that lash not out of friendship, but for money.  Her face drops and her eyes water.

              He looks up at her, seeing not the person he has been struggling with but the friend he once knew, vulnerable and sweet.  There is no trace of her toughness, no semblance of her sass.  Her cheeks are flushed red, her great lashes blink rapidly and before he can call her on it, she turns and starts towards the door.  A wave of guilt and shame overwhelms him and stands suddenly, grabbing her shoulders and pulling her chin up in concern.
 “
Are you actually crying
?
”
              She knocks his hand away and scowls, turning back on her heels.  He grabs her arms and pulls her against him, squeezing the air from her lungs.
 “
Aw, man,
I’
m sorry,
I’
m so sorry.  Do
n’
t cry,
I’
m sorry. 
I’
m sorry
I’
m so grumpy
.
”
              She snorts but does not try to pull away.
 “
Yea
h…
grump
y’
sthe adjective
I’
d use
.
”

              They hug one another a long time, but both can feel the distance their words have caused.  Julian frowns at the dawning dread at the realization he had
n’
t meant any of it for her.  He understood how convenient she had been to release his wrath, and wondered desperately if she understood this as well.  He pulls away and studies her, watching her avoid eye contact.  When she finally looks up into him, he flashes one of his more brilliant smiles, a smile designed to capture and hold the trust and desire of women everywhere.  She blinks, startled, and then narrows her brow and looks away, stifling her laugh at his obviousness, though the attempt is enough to soften her.

“
What time is the bar-b-que
?
” He asks, misinterpreting her response as forgiveness.
“
It starts at 4.  Are you still going?  I told Angie you were, she told all her friends.  But they promised not to get all fanzine on you.  No autographs
.
”

“
Yeah, I ca
n’
t wait.  Anthon
y’
llbe there
?
”
“
Of course
.
”
              He wraps an arm around her and walks her back into the house.
 “
What time you think i
t’
ll be over
?
”
“
I do
n’
t kno
w…
a couple of hours.  Why
?
”
“
Sharleenwants to take me to dinner.  Some place swanky
.
”
“
O
h
…” Alice tenses before forcing herself to relax.
 “
Sounds nice
.
”
“
You are, literally, the worst actress
I’
ve ever met
,
” he laughs.