Gazelle (21 page)

              He leans against the doorframe, watching her sprawled on the kitchen floor in a ridiculous thrift store nightshirt, petting her fat dog as he licks the evidence away from his chops.  Her home is exactly the same except for the giant flat screen plastered along one wall and a plush, new couch sprawled across from it.  He realizes he has
n’
t been there since the day he hired her, and is relieved that it is the same.  Except that it is much, much warmer.

“
Jesus, i
t’
s hot in here
,
” he says, pulling his knee length wool coat and sports jacket off and tossing it on the couch. He unbuttons his sleeves and rolls them.

“
I
t’
s freezing outside.  I have the heater on full blast
.
”

“
It is NOT freezing.  New York was freezing.  This is paradise here
,
” he says, sinking into the couch and pushing the books scattered around it to the ground. 

“
Yeah, I heard it snowed.  I was afraid yo
u’
d get snowed in
.
”

              He thought the same thing when they left the hotel, hand in hand.  Only it was
n’
t fear he felt, but hope. 

“
Do you want some tea?  Cocoa?  Warm, almond milk
?
”
“
Water
.
”

              He listens to her yawning as she pours the water and yawns as well, realizing how exhausted he was.  He had
n’
t slept more than a few hours his whole trip.   And, despite the Valium he swallowed before the plane embarked, he could not relax.  For the first time, it was not the flying he was anxious about.

“
S
o
…
”
she says sweetly, handing him the water and sitting next to him
,“
ho
w’
d it go
?
”
              He tosses her his phone and she scoops it up, glancing quickly at the image.  By her expression, he sees she has seen it.  A look of concern flickers in her eyes.

“
You guys look happy.  Some would say eve
n‘
radiant
.
’
 
Some being CeCe, of course.  What was she like
?
”
“
Sh
e’
s nice.  Smart.  Fu
n…
incredibly hot
.
”
“
Yes, she sure is
.
”
              He leans back and looks at his friend, curled up and facing him, but studying the image with a frown.  She looks up at him and then down again before he can read her.

“
You do
n’
t like her
?
”
“
I do
n’
t
know
her.  If you say sh
e’
s cool, then she must be.  She looks really stoked in this picture so
I’
m guessing she likes you, too
.
”
“
Yea
h…I’
m,
I’
m not sur
e
…”
“
What
?
”
“
Wel
l…
she has this expression, lik
e
…”
“
Like she posed or something
?
” she says too quickly.
“
What, what do you mean
?
” he asks, drinking as he takes the phoneback and squints at it.
 “
Posed?  Like, she knew she was getting her picture taken?  But neither of us knew that fuck was going to be there
.
”

“
Probably
.
”
“
What does
that
mean? You think she knew
?
”
“
I do
n’
t kno
w…
does it matter?  I
t’
s great exposure.  This picture is everywhere right now.  The
y’
re combining your faces to see what your babies will look like on all the lonely heart blogs
.
”
“
Really
?
” he asks, swallowing hard.

“
Of course!  I
t’
s what you wanted, right?  Th
e‘
beard
.
’
 
Tha
t’
s what you were talking about
.
”
              He taps his phone against his thigh, studying their reflection in the black screen before them.  He can see her imploring, confused gaze.  He purses his lips together and looks back at his own confused face. 

“
Right
?
”
“
Yea
h…
about that.  I do
n’
t think i
t’
s
a‘
bear
d
’ situation anymor
e
…”
“
…
Oh my go
d…
you guys hooked up, for reals
?
”
              The sound of disbelief and disgust are apparent in her voice.  He frowns as both guilt and shame come over him.
 “
Yeah.  And
?
”
              She is quiet, fighting off her own confusion.  She had seen the girls come and go from his place in the brief time she worked for him.  There were more than a few occasions she arrived to a hot little model prancing around the kitchen, collecting her things from the night before, while Julian worked out in the rec room.  She had seen the tabloids of him stepping out of nightclubs and restaurants with girls just as beautiful as this Sharleen Dors.  But none of them had caused her concern.  And she realized she had never seen that look of panicked confusion on his face as he walked into the Waldorff, a beaming princess dragging her prize.

“
Wha
t’
s wrong with that?  I like her.  Sh
e’
s fantastic, actually.  She makes me feel good
.
”
“
No, tha
t’
s good
,
” Alicesays quickly, shoving her jealousy down.
 “
Tha
t’
s great, really.  I was just shocked because you were so against the idea of it being fake and all and you were like
,‘
I do
n’
t have time for the real thing
.
’
 
But if i
t’
s-if yo
u’
re happy, then great. 
I’
m happy for you
.
”
              He leans back and closes his eyes, rubbing them.
 “
Yea
h…
except I do
n’
t know if it is such a good idea
.
”
“
Why, what do you mean
?
”

              Dirt Bag hops on her lap and starts to whine.  He paws insistently at her chest.
 “
Dirt Bag, not now
,
” she says, tossing him down.

              He sits at their feet and lets out a low howl.

“
Wha
t’
s wrong with him
?
” Julian asks.

“
He needs to go potty.  Dammi
t…
w
e’
re usually sleeping right now and he holds it tilmorning.  I have to take him for a walk
.
”
“
Now
?
”

“
Yeah.  Or else h
e’
ll shit in the house.  Do you want to come
?
”
              He blinks his eyes open, thinking about the last time he went for a walk, and shrugs
.“
Sure
.
”

              They move up the steep road above Chinatown, led by the snorting, little mutt as he sniffs bushes and hedges for the perfect spot.  She tugs her pea coat tighter around herself, he turns up his collar.  He glances back over the skyline, the blurring colors of the hardline buildings disappearing into clouds that are settling over them in a tender mist.  The movie star and his assistant, walking the dog in the middle of the night, he thinks, smiling into his collar.

“
Did you get my place decorated
?
” he asks.

“
No!  Jesus!  I
t’
s only been two days.  The decorator came yesterday to make a floor plan.  Her and CeCewere best friends instantly
.
”
“
A
w…
did you feel left out
?
”
“
Thank god.  I did
n’
t understand half the shit they were talking about.  An ottoman to me is where the feet go or the dog sleeps, you know?  She said she canhave it done in a month
.
”
“
Before Christmas, right
?
”
“
Ye
s…
way before Christmas.  I made sure.  Did you talk to your moms
?
”
“
N
o…
I talked to my brother. 
I’
m going to call her tomorrow.  What are you doing for Christmas
?
”
“
Going home, naturally.  Remember
?
”
“
N
o…
I do
n’
t
.
”
“
Seriously?  I told you about it last week. 
I’
m going home for a few weeks for Christmas.  My mom insisted
.
”
              He nods.
 “
Tha
t’
s fine.  I
t’
s better
.
”
“
What do you mean?  Why
?
”
“
I do
n’
t want to force my family on anyone
.
”

              She glances sidelong at him and smiles.
 “
If you want me to stay and be your buffer, I will
.
”
“
What?  No. 
I’
m fine.  Tha
t’
s not what I meant
.
”
“
Yes, it is. 
I’
ll do it
.
”
“
N
o…
I just-Christmas is a hard time for my family.  W
e’
re pretty awkward as it is but force us together an
d…
it just sort of freezes up everything
.
”
“
Then why are you doing it
?
”
“
Becaus
e…I’
m going to be on that shootfor at least 4 months
.
”
“
Yeah, but most of it is being done here.  You can see them still
.
”
“
N
o…
you-I haveto focus completely on what
I’
m doing when
I’
m working, especially on this project.  I ca
n’
t risk it again, it almost took me out last time
.
”
“
What happened last time?  When
?
”
              They stop at the top of the hill and study the skyline.  The clouds have swallowed the top of the U.S. Bank Tower now, a halo of lights running down the length and glowing through the mist like a spine.  He blows into his leather glove and squints out, trying to detach himself from the words that have been building in him, the dread he had since he woke the morning with the realization that it could happen again, very easily.