Gentlewoman: Etiquette for a Lady, From a Gentleman (14 page)

Her lips are pleasing, but the beauty doesn’t only exist for aesthetic fulfillment – they rest in place to protect the most powerful tool you possess. Words, words, words. There’s something so arousing about words. You play with them allowing them space to dance within your mind. You construct them to your liking until selflessly giving away to your listener for access, interpretation and thought. They drip on pondering ears and take on a life of their own. You can progress a nation or summon an army with a couple quick thrusts of your tongue. Taking full control over words can mean the difference between poor or rich, hopeless or ebullient and death or life.

“Politeness is the art of choosing among one’s real thoughts.”
-Abel Stevens

A Lady shouldn’t be judged by her inability to produce graceful phrases, but a well-spoken woman deserves handclaps. Her name alone should be draped over the shoulders of the greats or inhaled on the necks of lovers. Her moniker is a high-end fashion line or designer fragrance waiting to happen.

OK, maybe not all that, but fluency of language is gorgeous. It suggests a higher level of intellect and reflects a healthy desire to learn more. However, not taking control of your native language is an embarrassment to it.

GRAMMAR: Simply put, grammar is a set of rules governing what is allowable in a language. Aren’t there enough rules? You don’t want the grammar police monitoring your every word and correcting each error, but excessive abuse of your language requires correction. Allow me:

• If you use “For all intensive purposes” in an argument, you just lost that argument. Put your guard down and pick your dictionary up.
  
• We appreciate your appreciation, but “Congrads” isn’t a word.
  
• All losses are tragic–especially followed by the phrase, “Sorry for your lost.”
  
• If someone needs clarification and asks you to be more “Pacific,” kindly direct that person to the ocean…and tell that person to jump.
  
• If you say “a lot” a lot make sure you don’t spell it “alot.”
  
• If a person wishes you a “Happy New Years,” ask which years.
  
• You shouldn’t date anyone who wishes you a happy Valentime’s Day...you just shouldn’t.
  
• “Weather” is rain and sunshine and all of that – “Whether” isn’t.
  
• Your = possession/shows ownership | You’re = contraction of “You are.”
  
• There = place or idea | Their = possession/shows ownership | They’re = contraction of They are.
  
• Its = possession/shows ownership | It’s = contraction for It is or It has
  

Would you Mind vs. Would you
: By now, we all know not to ask if a person
could
pass the salt. I’m sure people possess the ability to pass salt. If they didn’t, you wouldn’t be asking. If you’re requesting something from someone, the polite way to ask is, “Will you please pass the salt?” Saying “would you mind” isn’t asking them to do anything. It’s simply checking to see if it would impose on them or not. You still have to follow up with your request. It’s like asking someone if you can ask a question. Make it easier for all parties involved and just ask your question.

TEXT TALK: Text messaging tortures grammar. With the introduction of condensed communication (via technology), never has terrible grammar run more rampant. Reading incoming text is like trying to solve word scramble puzzles. Nobody has time for that! Your device likely has a spell-check, but it doesn’t have a stupid-check. There’s something satisfying about receiving a text message with correct grammar and punctuation. It’s not necessary, but it says something about the sender. Unless you’re between the ages of three and five years old, speaking in text message grammar in real life is a tragedy.

SLANG: Being a Gentlewoman is about being balanced enough to maneuver casually through all forms of society. She can speak the language of the land as well as the language of the culture and subculture. Stay connected to your roots and keep your ears to what’s happening.

VULGARITY: There once was a time when a woman with a mouth full of foul language was consistent with a mouth full of fecal matter. It was considered “unladylike” for women to curse, while men were getting away with saying whatever we wanted. In the spirit of equality, I shun this notion. You have a choice. Self-expression is a vital component to being a gentlewoman, but I do challenge you to formulate intellectual thought without the constant use of indecent language. Vulgarity is generally reserved for unsophisticated thought. Refraining from cursing stretches the mind to create and express ideas more fluidly. With obscenities in vogue, a Lady who speaks and writes well is an unexpected yet welcomed kiss from a crush–rare and delightful.

CONVERSATION: The measure of a great conversationalist is how well she listens. Don’t just talk to hear yourself speak, but speak to learn. Only a fool knows she knows it all. It’s perfectly OK to excuse yourself at any time if you’re on the receiving end of bad conversation. Don’t correct a stranger who mispronounces a word, instead use the word correctly in your response and that person will get the point. Feel free to correct family and friends in private, not in the company of others. No matter how great the temptation, don’t finish someone’s sentence for her/him. It can make the speaker feel pathetic. Try to avoid the use of filler words such as “uh,” “like” and “you know what I’m saying.” It’s perfectly OK to stop and think about your next thought. When you begin and end a sentence with, “You know what I’m saying,” we don’t know what you’re saying. You know what I’m saying? Be clear. Be concise. Refrain from being verbose by making valid points in few words. If you must expound on a topic, do so by gaging the level of attentiveness from your listener(s). If your audience displays signs of disinterest, it’s time for you to wrap it up. If your audience is attentive, show them your intellect by making thought-provoking points while still exercising brevity.

A great piece of advice is to know a little about a lot! Or you can know a lot about a little. Both come with their advantages and disadvantages. I’ve laid some of them on the next page. Decide what’s best for you.

Know a little about a lot

PROS

-Advantages in business

-Cultural/societal awareness

-Conversational in current global affairs

CONS

-Artificial sophistication / Superficial sound bites

-No depth

-Can easily be exposed

HOW

-Read online articles

-Tune into the news

Know a lot about a little

PROS

-Authentic knowledge base

-In-depth information

-Able to teach others new thoughts & ideas

CONS

-Tends to be verbose

-Limited mainstream knowledge

-Minimal engagement

HOW

-Read books

-Take a class

The Caution of Words

“We are the masters of the unsaid words, but slaves of those we let slip out
.
”
-
Winston Churchill

It’s wise to think about what you think about because thoughts become things. Sounds strange, I know, but there’s truly an uncanny power in words. When my siblings were younger, my dad would always pour words of love and confirmation into us. He was and still is very intentional about how he speaks to his family. Every word my father has put into us has come out of us. I’ve understood the power in words for a long time.

The average person knows 12,000-20,000 of them. When you filter through your arsenal, be mindful of what you choose to say because your words are either poison or fruit. When you speak, your mind and spirit agree, and things are set in motion. The
Man Upstairs
said, “Let there be light,” and there was light. The universe was spoken into existence. You were made in His image.

Be wise about the music you let in and the words being spoken that you recite. You might be confirming some of those very things in your life. Don’t be careless with your lexicon. Be slower to speak and quicker to think. When expressing yourself, what are you really trying to convey? Instead of referring to something incredible as “unbelievable” say that you’re in awe of how amazing God is and how He shows up when you least expect it. Say what you mean and mean what you say. Be intentional about your word choices. Speak about what God’s promises are at all times. Speak it into your career, your finances, your home, your relationships and your family.

Communication Killed Assumption

In Today’s News, Assumption was Found Dead and Communication has been Arrested in Connection with the Murder

The miscommunication of men and women has led to debate, divorce and death. Our understanding of each other is only half the battle. Communication with the opposite sex is like trying to send a text message with a cell phone on an international flight – you attempt delivery, but it just won’t go through. The main problem with a lack of effective communication is that it forces folks to jump to their own conclusions.

When we say, “You look pretty today,” you might hear, “Yesterday you were ugly–and each day before then, too.” When you say, “Who’s that calling?” we can possibly hear, “Are you cheating on me?” When we smile and say, “Good morning,” to a stranger, she might hear, “I like you, I want you, let’s have sex.” Oh, what a wonderful world!

The bottom line is most Ladies want to know the way men think. They’d like to know why we have double standards, why we lie and lead them on, why we’re not upfront, why we’re so afraid to commit, why we don’t completely answer questions, why we have a hard time communicating and when there will be an answer to all of these damn questions. When men refuse to address the issues, women begin to assume the answers. Some of you think a few dinner dates and some intimacy makes a man your boyfriend while the man is simply enjoying your company. You then begin to expect much more than your date is willing to offer because you’re communicating two totally different things.

That’s the problem that most men have with women today. We simply don’t understand how “yes” can mean “no” and why “nothing is wrong” means something is definitely wrong, and it needs to be addressed not now, but right now. When you say, “Just kidding,” you’re telling the damn truth. When you point out something sweet another man does, you want us to do it too–but we must do it better. Telling you you’re acting crazy is the worst way to get you to stop acting crazy. If you look upset, you’re upset and mad at us for us not knowing why you’re mad at us. If you ask, “Is that what you’re wearing?” you probably want us to change. Sometimes you push us away to see if we’re willing to come forward. If you leave upset, are we supposed to follow you? When you cry, it’s best to hold you tight and not say a word. You test our reactions, observe and judge our every action, expression, word and gesture. You might notice how long it takes us to respond to a text message and analyze why it took that long.

Let us know that you create a connection and sense of intimacy through communication and your personal questions aren’t intended to invade our privacy. That way we’ll stop texting, and start calling. That way we won’t be so afraid to open up. A great start to opening up is to get us to actually answer your questions. In order to facilitate this, try sharing personal stories we can relate to and encourage us to share some of our own. Follow up with intriguing inquiries that don’t initially feel invasive. This isn’t about handholding and babysitting us through the process. It’s about being an adult and communicating to be understood. Partnerships are useless with no connection. Communication is cable, the remote, the receiver and sound system.

You really aren’t as complicated as we make you out to be–you just want to be loved and express that much differently than we do. You view communication as intimacy. You desire to feel emotion from us. It’s why you tell us about your day when we never asked, and don’t feel like being bothered. Or when you ask us all sorts of detailed questions when we think it’s unnecessary to be so specific. You communicate to dive into levels deeper than surface. To some of you, the mental stimulation is almost better than sex. To some of us, we’d just pick the sex.

Our communication barrier is so thick simply because men and women think and interpret information differently. In my experience, a woman’s mind seems to respond more to emotion and empathy, whereas a man’s mind commonly responds to hard facts + reason. That’s why when most of us talk we often choose “think,” instead of “feel.”

MAN: [
I
think
that’s unnecessary.
]