Give Me a Reason (31 page)

“What do you mean?” Toni croaked.

Sitting on the edge of the bed, Laura placed her hand on
Toni’s forehead. “You’ve had a fever for two days, Toni. I was coming in here
to tell you I was going to call a doctor, but apparently I don’t need to. Your
fever’s gone.”

“I don’t like doctors.”

“I know you don’t, sweetheart, but you weren’t giving me much
of a choice. You were really sick.”

“I’m sorry if I worried you.”

“It’s okay. How you feeling?”

“Tired,” Toni answered sheepishly.

“More like exhausted, I would think,” Laura said, getting to
her feet. “Are you hungry? I can get you something.”

Struggling to sit up, Toni said, “Yeah, I think I am
actually.”

“Good, then I’ll go fix you some dinner.”

“Dinner?”

“It’s Friday night, Toni.”

“Jesus, I don’t even remember Thursday.”

“I’m not surprised. Are you going to be okay if I leave you
alone?” Laura asked as she headed to the door.

“Yeah, I can manage.”

Waiting until Laura left the room, Toni extracted herself
from the cocoon of blankets and sheets, and dangling her legs over the edge of
the bed, she paused to catch her breath. While the fever had broken, the
effects of the flu lingered, and feeling as if she had just run a marathon,
Toni slowly walked to the bathroom.

***

Seeing Toni come into the kitchen, Laura said, “Go back to
bed. I’ll bring you a tray.”

“I’d rather...I’d rather sit at the table, if that’s okay.”

“That’s fine,” Laura said suspiciously. “Are you all right?”

“I just feel, I don’t know...out of it.”

“Probably has something to do with the flu and the fact you
haven’t eaten in two days. Sit down, and I’ll get you some tea.”

“Thanks,” Toni said as she sank into a chair. “So, what’s for
dinner?”

“Chicken soup,” Laura said, placing a cup of tea in front of
Toni. “I made it this morning.”

“This morning?”

“Yeah. Why?”

Toni’s jaw hardened as she stared back at Laura. “Why didn’t
you go to work?”

Pressing her lips together, Laura pulled out a chair, sat
down and mentally counted to ten. “Let me guess. This is the part where you’re
going to accuse me of babysitting you again, right?”

“Well, if the shoe fits—”

“Well, it doesn’t, and the only shoe around here is going to
be the one I’m going to put up your arse if you don’t stop accusing me of
treating you like a child!” Laura said, the corners of her mouth easing upward.
“After making sure you had something to drink with paracetamol at the ready, I
went to work Thursday morning just like always, but when I got there, John told
me that he had cancelled all the classes until Monday because
three
of our teachers were sick. At
his
insistence, I gathered up some reports I could
do from here and came back home.”

“You could have stayed at work.”

“You’re right. I could have, and I’m not going to lie to you
and tell you that I wasn’t worried about you, because I was. Toni, you were
ill, and the only place I wanted to be was by your side, and I’m not going to
apologize for that. I know you don’t want to hear this, but I care about you,
Toni, and there’s nothing I can do about it. I can’t just turn off my feelings
simply because you’ve asked me to. It doesn’t work like that.”

“I know,” Toni said, staring at her teacup. “I’ve tried.”

“What?”

Looking up, Toni said, “It’s why I started seeing Abby.”

“I don’t understand.”

“I like you, Laura.”

“Well, come on. What’s not to like?” Laura said with a
chuckle.

“That’s not what I mean,” Toni said quietly. “What I feel for
you...well, it’s...it’s more than what a friend should feel toward another.”

The humor faded from Laura’s face as hope wrapped itself
around her heart. “Really?”

“Yes, and it’s one of the reasons I became Abby’s patient.
I’ve got a lot of things to work through before...before I’m ready for any kind
of relationship. I thought if you found out...if you knew what I was doing...
why
I was trying to get better, then you’d...you’d
get the wrong idea.”

“What do you mean the wrong idea?”

“I didn’t want you to think that I was...that because I was
talking to Abby, it meant I was ready for...for...”

Laura had spent the last few days trying to come up with some
reason why Toni had felt the need to keep her sessions with Abby a secret. As
hard as she tried, she simply couldn’t come up with a plausible reason...until
now.

The sound of the chair legs screeching across the tile floor
caused Toni to jump, and looking up, she tensed when she saw the fury in
Laura’s eyes.

“What?” Laura shouted, waving her arms in the air. “You
thought if I found out I’d pounce on you or something! How dare you think that!
Do you really think me that callous and single-minded?”

“Laura, I just wasn’t sure—”

“You weren’t sure?
You
weren’t sure? How about me, Toni? Have you forgotten that I’m
straight
, or at least I was until I met you? I know
you have issues, Toni, and I know that mine pale in comparison, but do me a favor
and put yourself in
my
shoes. I’ve never felt
this way about anyone, not
anyone
, and now
that I do, I can’t do a bloody thing about it!”

Storming out of the room with tears in her eyes, Laura
reached the lounge and stopped. Her heart was telling her to turn around and
apologize for her rant, but her temper still held the advantage. Spinning on
her heel, when she saw Toni walk into the room, she yelled, “I think about you
all the time, do you know that? I have thoughts running through my head that
make me blush for Christ’s sake, and I don’t know the first thing about being
with a woman in that way! But even though I have these feelings for you, I
honored your wishes, didn’t I? You told me to back off, and I did. I never once
tried to do or say
anything
to change your
goddamned mind!”

“Yes, you have,” Toni said quietly.

“Oh, that’s a bunch of crap!”

“You’ve been you.”

Wiping a tear from her cheek, Laura said, “What are you
talking about?”

“You’ve been you,” Toni said, taking a step in Laura’s
direction. “You come into the kitchen every morning looking tired and rumpled,
and then flash that smile of yours and my day’s made, and I find myself looking
forward to the next morning, just so we can do it all again. You force me to
get out of the house and go shopping, but you do it in such a way, that by the
time we get wherever it is we’re going, I’m no longer afraid because I know
you’re right there, and you’ll keep me safe. And even when I’m at my worst,
even when I can’t think of one bloody reason why you don’t just walk away, you
stay by me. You pick me up. You dust me off, and you make me want to live all
over again. You haven’t had to say or
do
a
single thing to make me fall in love with you, Laura. You did it just by being
you.”

Taking another step toward Laura, Toni said, “It was wrong of
me to think that you’d...that you’d try to move too quickly, and I’m sorry.
It’s just that if I was in your shoes, and you told me that you loved me, I’m
not sure I’d have the strength not to act on those feelings.”

Cocking her head to the side, Laura asked, “What do you mean
my
shoes?”

“You’re normal.”

“Oh, fuck you!” Laura said. Taking two quick steps, she
intentionally invaded Toni’s space. “When are you going to understand that you
are
normal? Toni, we all have problems and issues
that we need to deal with. I’m afraid of heights and spiders scare the shit out
of me, but that doesn’t mean I’m not normal. It’s just who I am.”

“You’re not afraid of being touched.”

“Yes, I am,” Laura said softly. “Yes, I am.” Seeing the confusion
in Toni’s eyes, Laura said, “Trust me?”

A few seconds passed before Toni gave her answer with a nod,
but when Laura took her hand and moved it toward her chest, Toni pulled away.

“Trust me, Toni. Please...just trust me.” Their eyes met and
when Laura saw Toni nod again, she took her hand and very slowly placed it
above her left breast. “I’m afraid that when I’m finally in your arms, my heart
is going to fail, because it beats like this every time I’m near you.”

Toni could feel the strong, fast rhythm of Laura’s heart, but
what took her breath away...what froze her mind and heated her blood was
feeling the slightest hint of the swell of Laura’s breast beneath her hand.
Hypnotized by the sensation, Toni stood in silence as seconds turned into
minutes.

Laura’s breathing grew short, and knowing her need could not
yet be answered, she gently removed Toni’s hand from her chest. “I know that
whatever happens will happen when you’re ready, but a minute ago, you told me
that you loved me—”

“I do,” Toni said in a breath, raising her eyes.

“Then I’ll wait,” Laura said softly. “I can’t promise you I
won’t dream about you, and I can’t promise you my heart won’t race when you’re
near, but I can promise you that I’ll wait for you, because you’ve just given
me a reason to.”

Pausing for a moment, Toni said, “Can I ask...can I ask that
you don’t date anyone else?”

A brilliant smile graced Laura’s face. “Yes, you can, and no,
I won’t. Toni, I don’t want to go out with anyone else. I only did it because
you kept accusing me of putting my life on hold for you.”

“But that’s what I’m asking you to do now.”

“No, you’re not. You’ve given me hope that one day, whether
it’s next week or next month or next year...one day, I’ll be able to show you
how much I love you. I don’t consider that putting my life on hold, Toni. I
consider it...falling in love.”

Allowing her concerns to rise to the surface again, Toni
scowled. “And what if
it
never happens? What
if I can never get past this?”

Knowing they would have lots of time to talk about their
feelings, and hopefully lots of years to show them, when Laura heard the
troubled tone in Toni’s voice, she decided to lighten the mood. With a twinkle
in her eye, she said, “Then I guess I’ll be buying lots of batteries.”

Chapter Twenty-Nine

“Are you going to be all right?” Laura asked, putting on her
coat.

“Is this the part where you don’t treat me like a child?”

“No, this is the part where I treat you like a woman who just
got over being sick.”

“You sure you don’t want me to come with you?”

“Since when do you volunteer to go shopping?”

“I just thought—”

“You thought that since you’re offering to go, I’d jump at
the chance to get you out of the house, totally forgetting you’ve been sick.
Well, nice try, sweetheart, but you’re staying home so you can rest.”

“But I’m not tired,” Toni said, slumping back on the sofa.

Amused by Toni’s pout, Laura went over and placed a quick,
light kiss on her cheek. “No, you’re bored, but you’re still not going. You’re
going to stay home and take a kip. That’s an order.”

Hearing the doorbell ring, Laura didn’t wait for Toni’s
response as she trotted out of the room, and opening the door, she smiled at
her guest. “Hey there. Come on in. You’re just in time.”

“Just in time for what?” Kris asked, unbuttoning her coat.

“To keep Toni company while I go shopping,” Laura said,
picking up her handbag. “She just got over the flu, and she needs to rest. I
shouldn’t be too long, but could you make sure she gets back to bed?”

Peeking into the lounge, Kris grinned at Toni and then looked
back at Laura. “Consider it done.”

“Oi! Don’t I have a say in this?” Toni hollered.

“No, you don’t,” Laura said, giving Kris a quick wink before
she walked out the door.

Tossing her coat on a chair, Kris went into the lounge. “You
look awful.”

“Thanks. Nice to see you, too.”

“Flu, eh? You feeling better now?” Kris asked as she sat
down.

“Yeah. Laura took care of me.”

“Yes, it appears that she did,” Kris said, reaching over and
wiping away the smudge of pale pink lipstick from Toni’s cheek. Seeing Toni
blush at the discovery, Kris giggled. “It appears you’ve taken the old adage of
bed rest and lots of fluids to a
whole
new
level.”

“Behave,” Toni said with a scowl.

“What? I’m not the one with a smudge of Precious Pink on my
cheek.”

“Laura just kissed me good-bye.”

“Really? Since when does Laura kiss you at all?”

“What are you, jealous?”

“No—intrigued.”

“Oh.”

“What’s going on?”

“Nothing.”

“Come on, Toni. You trusted me with the shrink thing, why not
this?”

Pausing for a moment, Toni said, “Laura and I had a talk last
night.”

“About?”

“I told her how I feel. I told her I love her.”

“What? Oh, Toni, that’s great! ” Kris said, giving her a hug.
Glancing at the bedroom door, she said, “So, should I assume that last night
you two...um...”

Following Krista’s line of sight, Toni’s eyes went wide. “No,
of course not!”

“Why not?”

“Laura wasn’t lying, you know. I
was
sick,” Toni said, slouching into the cushions. “Besides, I’m not ready for
anything else. I’m not sure I’ll ever be ready.”

“I thought you said your sessions with Abby were helping.”

“They are, but Laura knows it’s not something that’s going to
change overnight.”

“Wait? Does Laura know about you seeing Abby?”

“Yes. She actually found out by accident, but she’s okay with
it.”

“I told you she would be.”

“I know. I just have a hard time believing she’s willing to
wait.”

“It’s called love, Toni,” Kris said. “And it’s wonderful.”

“Yeah, I’m starting to figure that part out,” Toni said
quietly.

“So what now?”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, you told her that you love her, and I’m assuming she
feels the same. So where do you go from here?”

“That’s a question I’ve been asking myself since last night.”

“Maybe you should ask Laura what she wants.”

“I did. We talked about it, and we agreed we’ll just take it
day-by-day, like we’ve been doing. Nothing’s really going to change.”

“You don’t think so?”

“No. Why should it?”

Kris sucked in her cheeks, successfully swallowing the laugh
that tried to escape. “They’re called hormones, Toni...in case you forgot.”

***

“You sure I can’t convince you to eat anything else?” Laura
asked, walking into the lounge with a cup of coffee.

“No, I’m fine.”

“You only had soup.”

“I’m just not that hungry.”

Snuggling into her corner of the sofa, Laura kept one eye on
Toni. “This doesn’t have anything to do with your eating issue, does it?”

With a snort, Toni said, “No, it doesn’t. I just don’t think
my appetite’s back yet. I’m fine.”

“Okay,” Laura said, gazing back at Toni. “You know, I was
thinking. How would you feel if we invited Kris and Robin over one night for
dinner?”

“That’s a great idea, but I know they’re both really busy
right now.”

“It’s doesn’t have to be tomorrow. I just thought it’d be
nice if I could get to know them a little better.”

“Well, I can guarantee that Krista will jump at the chance to
spend an evening with us.”

Cocking her head to the side, Laura asked, “Why’s that?”

“Hormones.”

“Excuse me?”

“I hope you don’t mind, but I told her about our chat the
other night.”

“Of course, I don’t mind, but what’s that got to do with
hormones?”

“Kris is having a hard time believing that we can...I mean,
that we agreed to just take things day-by-day. Something about hormones getting
in the way.”

“I see,” Laura said, trying to keep a straight face. “Well,
they can be quite annoying at times.”

“My friends or hormones?”

Letting out a laugh, Laura said, “Hormones, sweetheart. I
like Kris and Robin.”

“Just checking.”

The room grew quiet and as Laura sipped her coffee, Toni
reached for a book on the coffee table. Stopping mid-stretch, she said, “It’s
been almost seven years since I’ve been with a woman.”

Raising her eyes, Laura said, “I’ve got you beat.”

It took a split-second for Toni to get Laura’s meaning, and
forgetting about her book, she sat back and asked, “Does it frighten you?”

“What?”

“The possibility of you and I—”

“No, of course not,” Laura said, placing her cup on the
table. “I’ll admit to being a bit nervous, but not frightened.” Thinking for a
moment, she said, “Actually, that’s not entirely true.”

“No?”

“When I first realized I was having feelings for you, I was
terrified. No, I’ll take that back. I was angry.”

“Angry?”

“Oh, yeah,” Laura said, nodding. “Until I met you, I had
never even glanced at another woman in that way, and all of a sudden I wasn’t
just glancing. I was looking. Talk about confused!”

“So what happened?”

“Are you asking me when I fell in love with you?”

“No. Um...well, maybe.”

Smiling, Laura thought about the question. “I don’t know. One
day I was telling myself I was daft and the next day...the next day it just
felt right, and it still does.”

“Good to know.”

“How about you?”

“How about me what?”

“When did you know you were gay?”

“Oh, um...I was about thirteen, I think.”

“And you didn’t tell your parents until you were—”

“Nineteen, and you know what happened next.”

“But a lot of time has passed and—”

“Don’t go there, Laura. There’s no point.”

“People change.”

“I’m living proof of that.”

“That’s not what I’m talking about. Somewhere out there you
have a mother and a sister. I’m just saying maybe you should give them another
chance.”

Taking a deep breath, Toni let it out slowly. “You know, I
actually think I would if it wasn’t for the fact that they never gave
me
another chance. They never tried to understand
what I was going through. They never understood that I didn’t have a choice.
It’s just who I was...who I am.”

“Well, it’s their loss if you ask me.”

“You’re biased.”

“Sue me.”

With a laugh, Toni tucked her legs under her as she gazed
back at Laura. “Speaking of family, is that offer still good?”

“What offer?”

“The one involving you teaching me how to bake a biscuit.”

Tilting her head, it took a few moments before Laura realized
what Toni was talking about, and when she did, her face lit up. “Well,
technically, you can’t bake just one.”

“I wouldn’t know.”

“Are you saying...are you saying that you want to go to my
mum’s for Christmas?”

“Yes, I think I do.”

“You think?”

“What I mean is, I want to go, but I’m assuming the visit is
going to involve more than just you, me and your mum, or am I wrong?”

Laura wished there was some way for her to temper the truth,
but the trust Toni had in her was far more important than a visit to Scotland
at Christmas. “No, you’re right,” she said softly. “We usually gather at my
aunt’s house. She has three daughters, all of whom are married with children,
plus my father will be there, and I’m sure some friends and neighbors will be
stopping by.”

“Sounds like quite a crowd.”

“Yeah,” Laura said, unable to hide her frown.

Playing with an invisible speck on the sofa, Toni raised her
eyes. “Well, I guess I’d best schedule more sessions with Abby then, huh?”

***

“When you see a man, what’s the first thing you think?”

“I wonder what kind of belt he’s wearing.”

Wincing at Toni’s honesty, Abby asked, “How about your
co-workers? Some of them are men.”

“True, and at first, I didn’t trust any of them…except for
John.”

“Why John? He’s your boss, yes?”

“Technically, Laura’s my boss, but yeah, John runs Calloway.”

“Why did you trust him?”

“I didn’t at first, and it almost lost me the job, but John
has this way about him. He’s very calm and patient, almost humble, and even
though I was a complete nutter during the interview, he still took me on a
tour. That impressed me. I mean, he looked past what I am and saw...and saw who
I was. It meant a lot to me. It still does.”

“And what about the other men you work with? Tell me about
them.”

“Why?”

“Humor me,” Abby said with a chuckle.

“Right, well...let’s see, there’s Jack. He teaches history,
and Bryan, he teaches science and computers...” Stopping for a moment, Toni
smiled. “And the two part-timers are Charlie and Christopher.”

“Why do you like those two so much?”

“What do you mean?”

“You smiled when you said their names.”

“Oh, um...well, I guess it’s because they don’t look or act
the part.”

“Explain.”

Toni’s eyes twinkled as she thought about the men in
question. “Charlie has this big belly, kind of like Santa Claus. His cheeks are
cherry red most of the time, and he’s always laughing and joking with the
women. You can just tell that he really enjoys what he does. It’s just hard not
to smile when you see Charlie.”

Glancing at her notes, Abby said, “And what about
Christopher?”

“He and I are cut from the same cloth.”

“Excuse me?”

“He’s gay.”

“And that makes him trustworthy?”

“No, that’s not what I mean,” Toni said, scratching her head.
“Maybe it is, I don’t know, but he just has this...this aura about him. I
honestly can’t explain it other than that. He’s just too queen to be mean.”

Abby’s face split into a grin. “Okay, I’ll buy that,” she
said, laughing to herself as she jotted down some notes. “So...you and Laura
still okay?”

“Um...yeah. We’re fine,” Toni said, waiting for Abby to
finish, but when she saw her glance at her watch, Toni blurted, “So, I guess
that’s it for today then.”

Abby slowly raised her eyes. “You trying to get rid of me?”

“No, but we always go over.”

“I’ve been here less than a half-hour. Why are you rushing to
end today’s session?”

“I’m not.”

“No?”

“No. Why would I want to do that?”

Laughing, Abby leaned back on the sofa. “You’re answering a question
with a question, and that’s my job, so I’m thinking that something’s going on.
Now...what is it?”

“It’s nothing.”

“I’ll be the judge of that,” Abby said, folding her arms.
“Come on. Out with it.”

Pursing her lips, Toni raised her eyes to meet Abby’s. “I
told Laura.”

“You told Laura what?”

“That...that I’m in love with her.”

“Oh, my God, and you waited this long to tell me!”

“The subject just didn’t come up until now. Sorry.”

“’Sorry,’ she says,” Abby said, rolling her eyes. “So...how’d
it go? Are you okay?”

“It went well. Laura’s happy.”

“Yes, well I figured she would be, but I’m more worried about
how you’re doing. That’s a huge step you took.”

“I’m okay.”

“Just okay?”

“It’s like...it’s like looking through a shop window. You can
see what you want. You know what you want, but you just can’t bring
yourself...you just can’t find the courage to reach for it.”

“You’ll find it eventually.”

Leaning back on the sofa, Toni raked her fingers through her
hair. “I’m such a fucking coward.”

Sitting up straight, Abby tossed her note pad to the side.
“You are, without a doubt, the most courageous person I know. You’ve gone
through more pain and more misery than any person should ever have to, and it
was inevitable that it would leave some marks, but over time, those marks will
fade.”

“But how long does it take? How long before I can touch her
without feeling fear or rage?”

“Oh, Toni, that’s not a question I can answer, but you’ve
made amazing strides. You’ve got to know that. Months ago, the idea of talking
with a psychologist would have caused you to run from the room, but now we sit
here, twice a week, and you tell me everything, holding nothing back. That
takes a tremendous amount of trust and faith, but you need to realize that it’s
not just about the trust you have in Laura or the faith you’ve put in me. It’s
the belief you have in yourself, and one of these days…one of these days you’ll
find the confidence you need to take the next step. Of that, I’m sure.”