Giving You Forever (30 page)

Next, I call him to let him know.

“Hi, baby doll,” he answers on the second ring.

“Hey, babe,” I answer, showing no sign of distress. “Can you go in a little late tomorrow?” I casually ask, not wanting to make him worry.

“Shouldn’t be a problem. Why, what’s up?”

“I had to make an appointment with the doctor,” I begin, biting down on my lower lip, hoping that he doesn’t freak out.

“Your OB?”
Already sensing the panic.

“Yeah, it’s nothing to worry about. I had a little dry blood this morning when I went to the bathroom. They said it’s no biggie and pretty common, but I can get checked out if I’d like.”

Or you.

He pauses and probably runs his hand through his hair.

“Do you feel okay?”

“Yup, I feel great today actually. I think I’m finally moving out of the feeling sick stage,” I tell him, trying to lighten the conversation.

“Good, that’s…that’s great, doll,” he says apprehensively, making me sigh that he’s worried.

“Alright, so I have to get to my next class, but I’ll see ya later. Love you, babe!”

“Love you, too, sweetheart. I’ll see ya at home.”

The rest of the day continues on like any other and still no sickness. Maybe a little tired still, but I’m not throwing up, which is better than anything. Nolan brings home dinner and is still acting somber, clearly worried about the appointment tomorrow even though he says that he’s fine, agreeing that it’s probably nothing. But I know he’s worried. He didn’t even attempt to touch me when we went to bed, or test out my breasts to see if they grew anymore–totally not acting himself.

“Stop fidgeting,” I tell him as we sit in the waiting room to be called back. The woman behind the desk informed me that I’ll be having an ultrasound first then will meet with the doctor afterwards. Once Nolan realized that we’d be seeing our baby today, his mood quickly changed into excitement, eager to see our peanut.

“Alexa Arnold,” a middle-aged woman calls out with my file in hand.

Smiling, we both stand, following her into the back area.

“Since you’re not far along, we’re going to do a transvaginal ultrasound, so I’ll need everything off from your waist down,” she smiles once we are in an exam room, handing me a gown and blanket to drape over my lap. “Just have your husband peek his head out when you’re ready,” she adds before slipping out of the room.

“Husband, huh?” Nolan grins after she exits. “Has a nice ring to it, aye?”

I just laugh in response as I do what she asked, removing all my clothes from the waist down then hopping back up onto the table, draping the blanket over my legs after.

“Ready?” Nolan questions before cracking the door, letting her know that I’m ready.

“Okay,” she says, taking a seat on the rolling stool next to me, putting a bunch of goo over a giant wand type thing, making me cringe. “I’m just going to have you reach down and help me guide it in. It may be a little uncomfortable at first.”

I do as she asks, helping to guide it in. It’s definitely a weird feeling.

Immediately after, she starts moving it around inside of me and pressing some buttons on the keyboard attached to the machine with her other hand.

“This is your uterus,” she starts, pointing at the screen. “And this is the sack…and that little thing…” she points to the tiny little spot inside the sack, “is your baby.”

Nolan immediately grabs my hand, squeezing it with tears already pooling his eyes.

She continues moving the wand around, touching buttons afterward, doing her own thing and being quiet.

“Honey, I’m just going to go get the doctor real quick. I just want him to check something out.” She smiles. “I’ll be right back,” she says after removing the wand.

I look at Nolan, nervous.

“I’m sure it’s nothing, doll,” he grins, smoothing out my hair before kissing my forehead.

Minutes later, my OBGYN returns, greeting me and introducing himself to Nolan.

“Alrighty, let me just have a check quick,” he says, taking a seat on the stool and doing the same thing to the wand that the sonographer did.

After assisting him with inserting it, he moves it around, touching the keys, as well. Not saying a word and just staring at the screen.

Exhaling and removing the wand, he says with a tight frown, “Unfortunately, we’re not finding a heartbeat,” he begins, making my whole body grow heavy and numb. “This is probably why you had a little bit of bloody discharge yesterday. Your body is starting to reject the embryo.”

Nolan immediately starts rubbing my head again, soothing me as tears start to fall from my eyes.

“I’m so sorry.”

“So what happens now?” Nolan softly questions, fighting back the tears himself.

“Well, if everything happens as it should, the embryo will probably pass within the next day or so.”

Nolan nods his head, taking it all in.

“Is there anything that we should watch for or worry about?”

“No. I’d suggest hanging out at home until it does. It can usually cause quite a bit of bleeding that you don’t want to get caught out in public with, but her body will do everything it needs to do.”

Nolan continues to nod his head, trying to comprehend it all and hold himself together. Be the strong one.

“Do you think there was anything that caused it? Anything we may have done wrong?” he continues to ask, and I just want to cut him off, to stop beating himself up, but at the same time, these are all questions I’d like to know too.

The doctor is quick to answer, sounding confident when he does, “No, everything looked beautiful on the ultrasound. Miscarriages are actually more common than you think in new mothers and can have no lasting effects, allowing you to get pregnant again with no problems at all.”

This information makes me feel better. Hopefully Nolan, too.

“Do you have any other questions?”

We both shake our heads.

“No, thank you, doctor,” Nolan adds, standing to shake his hand.

“Feel free to call with any questions. If it’s after normal business hours, just leave a message with the answering service and the on call doctor will call you right back,” he adds before saying goodbye as both he and the sonographer exit.

I sit up immediately, just wanting to get dressed and go home, to curl up into a ball, but as soon as I stand, Nolan pulls me into a hug, causing us both to break down.

“I’m so sorry, baby doll,” he cries into my shoulder.

“It’s not your fault. It’s no one’s fault,” I sniffle back.

He doesn’t respond, just holds me tightly and lets all his sadness out.

Chapter Twenty-Five

– NOLAN –

We both call in the next day. Alexa doing as the doctor suggested and staying near home, and me being here to comfort her, to be with her when it happens. I’m not much company for her, though, and I hate myself for it. Of course, I make sure that she’s comfortable and that she has everything that she needs, but I feel like we’re at a funeral, waiting for the casket to be opened to say our final goodbyes.

Our conversations throughout the day are short, just making small talk about the wedding, what we can order in for dinner, and trying to joke that at least she won’t be nine months pregnant for the wedding. Though Alexa says it as a joke, the air becomes incredibly sticky and quiet when the laughter dissipates, not finding the joke very amusing after all, wishing that the tables were turned and that she
was
very pregnant and glowing, about to have our baby at our wedding.

Just after we finish eating dinner at around seven, Alexa announces that she’s getting really crampy and uncomfortable. Exhaling, I help her up the stairs and into bed while everything in me is kicking and screaming, pissed that this is about to happen. For the second time in my life, I’m about to lose my baby. But I keep it inside, not wanting to upset Alexa. She has already gone through enough and is about to experience much worse.

Not even bothering to remove my clothes, I climb into bed beside her, flipping on the TV with the remote. We sit there in silence. I couldn’t tell you what the hell we’re watching, I’m not paying attention, instead just thinking about when God is finally going to throw me a fucking bone.

Stop punishing me! I’ve had enough. I just want to live. To be happy and start over. Start a new life with Alexa.

“Ahh…” Alexa moans beside me, startling me out of my thought.

Immediately, I shift towards her, holding her in my arms.

“Are you okay, sweetheart?” I ask, worried and hating to see my girl like this.

She shakes her head no and starts moving out of my arms and toward the bathroom with panic consuming her eyes. I quickly jump out of bed, following her.

Pulling her gown up and her underwear down, she sits on the toilet, tears filling her eyes. I take a seat on the tiled floor in front of her, wrapping my legs around the bottom, having my face right near her knees. Although, my stomach is twisting in two and I can feel a knot threatening to move up my throat, I ignore it, rubbing her thighs and whispering how much I love her instead.

Before long, I hear drop after drop in the toilet with pain and fear painted all over Alexa’s beautiful face. Not knowing what to do, I just rub her legs even more, trying to comfort her in the only way possible. It just keeps coming, though, and with every drop I hear, the pain in my heart grows bigger, and the knot in my throat pushes higher.

Jesus Christ. Make it stop!

After what feels like hours, but really only minutes, it stops.

“Stay here, sweetheart,” I whisper, standing up and walking over to the shower to turn it on.

Not even worrying about the blood getting everywhere, I pick Alexa’s pale and frozen body up off the toilet, carrying her over to the now steamed shower, sitting her down on the built in bench inside. She doesn’t move, just allows me to take her gown and underwear off. I quickly take off my already soaked clothes, throwing them all outside the shower door.

Bringing the shower nozzle down off the hook, I rinse her off before lathering her body with soap. She just goes with the motions; lifting her arms when she needs to, turning to let me shampoo and condition her hair...so frail and helpless, breaking my heart in two.

I have her sit in the shower a moment longer while I towel dry myself off, wrapping it around my waist before going into our bedroom to get a clean pair of pajamas for her. However, when I get back in the bathroom, I’m surprised when I see her standing outside the shower, drying herself off.

“Baby, I could’ve done that for you,” I tell her, rushing to help her.

She puts up her hand for me to stop.

“I can do it,” she says, sounding irritated. I don’t take it personally, though. She just experienced something terrible.

As she steps into her new underwear, a stream of blood slides down her leg.

“It won’t stop,” she tells me, eyes filling with tears again.

Quickly turning and searching underneath the sink, I find her box of maxi pads, pulling one out. “Here, sweetheart, put one of these on.”

A slight grin tugs at the corner of her mouth.

“Thanks,” she answers, taking it from my hands before sticking it on the inside of her underwear.