Giving You Forever (31 page)

– ALEXA –

It’s been two days since the miscarriage. The bleeding is starting to go away–an official notification that the baby is gone. When the bleeding and clotting continued throughout the first night, Nolan freaked, calling the on call doctor, asking why it wouldn’t go away. He said it was just my body cleansing. That there’s no way to tell when the baby actually came out and that my body will just keep dispersing the remnants until it feels as though I’m cleaned. Today I’m cleaned. I’m officially no longer pregnant, leaving a gutted empty feeling within.

Nolan has been wonderful, continuing to love and take care of me, comfort me when I need comforting, wiping my tears when they fall...he’s been my rock. Never would I have been able to get through this without him, but our relationship has become awkward and depressing. Neither of us feels capable of happiness right now. Neither of us can find the right words to say.

Today is my first day back to school. I go through the motions–shower, brush my teeth, get ready, make coffee, have breakfast, leave for school. Everything appears to be back to how it used to be. My life before pregnancy.

I make my run-in with Jamie short and sweet. The look of sympathy played out all over his face is too much, and I just can’t deal with it. I had Nolan call him and tell him what was happening. After every class, I take extra time putting my things in my bag, making the time in between classes minimal, not wanting to have a conversation with anyone. I just need to get through this day.

To make matters worse, I don’t hear anything from Nolan. With the time he took off, he’s been swamped trying to get caught up, but still, I usually hear from him during the day.

After my last class, I decide that I’ve had enough. Student teaching will just have to wait another day. I can’t fight back the tears anymore, I need to cry. I need to release the knot that has been invading my stomach and throat all day. I need to be alone.

Nothing is out of the norm when I get home. Quiet, peaceful, and something I know Nolan and I still share. Except when I get up into our room, my stomach hits the ground. It’s not the same as it always is.

Nolan’s things are gone.

Quickly opening all of the dresser drawers…empty. Swinging the closet doors open…empty. The only clothes remaining are mine. With my heart thumping through my chest, I run down the stairs, opening the garage door. His shoes are gone, and then that’s when I see it, the note hanging on the refrigerator door when I turn and walk back in. Swallowing hard, I lift the magnet holding it, afraid to look at the words, the words that are sure to haunt me for the rest of my life.

– NOLAN –

I left.

There’s no other choice I had. My world is a big black cloud, ruining the lives of the people I love most. I can’t allow this to happen to Alexa; to ruin the only girl that has ever given me a life worth living. She deserves so much more. She deserves better than me. Walking away rips everything from my being, everything that makes me the person I am is gone. Never will I ever be the same person without her. Never will I ever be able to love again…not like the way I love Alexa. She is the core to my existence. Without her, there is nothing left, but it’s worth it. To be able give Alexa a life full of love and happiness, it’s worth it. It is worth every damn second without her.

– ALEXA –

With tears already streaming down my face, I manage to somehow put one foot in front of the other, collapsing on the couch, finally finding the courage to open the now crumpled letter in my hand.

Crumpling it back into a ball, I chuck it across the room. How dare he do this to me? How dare he decide my fate? Who is he to decide what makes me happy, to decide what I need in life?
He’s
what I need.
He’s
my fate.

He’s not going to do this to me. He doesn’t get to decide that we are done. He doesn’t get off that easy. We are forever. We always have and always will be.

Quickly fishing my phone out of my purse, I call him over and over, but it goes to voicemail each time.

He won’t do this to me. He can’t!

Grabbing my keys, I drive over to the gym. Maybe I can catch him before he leaves. He had to have stopped there first.

I barrel in, like a bat of hell. Mike sees me right away, face expressionless with a hint of despair.

“Where is he?” I yell, not caring about anything but finding my fiancé.

He shakes his head as he gets closer, swallowing hard, about to give me more news that I refuse to hear. I won’t.

“He’s not here,” Mike tells me, raw emotion filling his tone.

“Did you see him? Did he tell you where he was going? Where is he, Mike?”

Still shaking his head, he says, “I don’t know. There was just a note taped to his desk, telling me that he had to leave.”

Damn him and his fricken notes!

“No,” I shake my head, tears soaking my skin. “No. He can’t do this to me. He can’t leave me.”

Stepping forward, Mike pulls me into his chest, hugging me and trying to comfort me as best as he can.

“He has to come back, Mike. He has to.”

“Shh…” he whispers into my hair. “He will come back. There’s no way he’ll be able to stay away. Just give him some time.”

Mike’s right. He has to come back. This is his gym. It’s in his name.

“When is your opening? He has to be here for it, right?” I ask, now feeling like there’s hope. He has to come back.

Mike rubs his face, exhaling.

“He’s stepping down. He’s signing it over to me.”

“Can he just do that? Just sign it over?” I ask, feeling the knot reforming in my chest.

“I don’t know. He said he’ll take care of the legals,” he softly says, shrugging his shoulders.

What the fuck?

Feeling like I’m wasting my time, and that I need to keep searching, I tell Mike to call me if he hears anything, even the slightest trace of anything. I need to know immediately.

He agrees, hugging me once more and apologizing.

On my way to Kelly’s, I try his cellphone again. He has to turn it on eventually. But it still goes straight to voicemail, each and every time.

As soon as I get my car in park, I bolt up to the front door, not even bothering to knock. I just walk right in.

“Kelly!” I shout. “Dylan!” “Kel! are you home?” I continue to shout, looking in each room down stairs.

Not having any luck, I drop to my knees and sob.

“Alexa!” Kelly comes running down the stairs in just a robe with her towel wrapped around her hair. “Oh my god, what’s wrong? What happened?” she falls down next to me.

“He hasn’t called you?” I choke out in between tears.

“Who?” she questions. “Nolan?”

I nod my head pitifully in her arms.

“He left, Kel. He just left me.”

“No. No, he would never,” Kelly says, confident in her answer, thinking it has to be a mistake.

I look up at her, pain bleeding from my eyes.

“He’s gone. All of his clothes...everything.”

She pauses before answering, totally dumbfounded herself.

“Did he say why? It just doesn’t make sense. He loves you. There’s no question about that.”

Swallowing hard, and wiping the wetness from my face, I tell her the only thing I know.

“Just a note, saying that I deserve better. That being with him will ruin me…”

Quickly standing up, she reaches for their phone on the receiver.

“It’s not on,” I whisper, hearing her start to dial. “It just goes straight to voicemail.”

I hear her hit the end button, then put it back on the charger. Not speaking a word, having no reasoning for her brother.

“Have you tried, Mike? The gym?”

I nod my head.

“Yup. Nothing.”

She picks up the phone, dialing another number.

“Dylan. Have you heard from Nolan?” She sighs in frustration. “No, I mean I don’t know. I hope so. Alexa’s here. She can’t find him. He left.”

Chapter Twenty-Six

– ALEXA –

After calling every cousin and person we could think of, we give up. I start to drive home, but turn on the highway instead. I can’t go back there. I can’t go back to the house we once shared. I could never live there without him.

I drive for hours, turning down roads, not knowing where they go; stopping only once to get gas and a coffee. Before I know it, I’m pulling into my parent’s driveway, not knowing how I got here. Thankfully they’re not home, making me not have to repeat the sentence that I’ve had to say all night.