GLBTQ (9 page)

Even if you're emotionally ready, there are also some external factors that could influence whether it's a good idea to come out:

1. Is it safe for you to come out?
If GLBTQ people are openly harassed or threatened where you live or go to school and there isn't protection from abuse, it might not be safe for you to come out. According to GLSEN's “2009 National School Climate Survey,” 61 percent of respondents reported feeling unsafe at school because of their sexual orientation.

Been There:

“Don't get me wrong. I'm proud of who I am, I just have to be proud quietly because I live in a very small (and small-minded) community. Just last year at my school, a boy who people called gay was beaten within an inch of his life. I'm a little scared to be too public about it for now.”
—Calista, 19

2. What is your home environment like?
If your parents or guardians are aggressive or otherwise abusive, coming out to them could escalate the abuse. If adults at home are extremely homophobic, you might also decide to wait to come out until you have left home or at least have other options if needed. But some teens, who feel safe and comfortable doing so, come out to family adults. People at home can be a source of support and help teens deal with harassment from others.

In the previously mentioned
New York Times Magazine
cover story about gay teens, the author quotes openly gay boys' varsity soccer coach Dan Woog: “The biggest difference I've seen in the last 10 years isn't with gay kids—it's with their families. . . . Many parents just don't assume anymore that their kids will have a sad, difficult life just because they're gay.”

3. Do you have a support system?
Do you have someone to turn to if the reaction to your coming out is bad? You might have a friend who already knows who can support you. Also, there are groups that can help.

Some teens don't get a choice about coming out. A parent might notice on the computer that you've visited GLBTQ websites. A classmate might overhear a conversation you had with a friend. It's possible to be outed without your consent.

Being outed can be challenging because you have to deal with being out right away—without warning or time to plan. You might suddenly find yourself in an unsafe position. Or family members or friends could say they support you no matter what. Chances are the reality will be somewhere in between.

Been There:

“I was only 13 when I got into a fight with my mom about a letter of mine she'd found. She had the nerve to tell me to stop acting so ‘cuddly' with my girlfriends. ‘It's not like you're a lesbian are you?' she shouted. Then and there I told her I was bisexual. She stormed from the room. The following day she admitted that it troubled her and that it would take a little while to get used to it, but she wasn't angry or disappointed in me.”
—Erin, 19

Being outed can feel like a nightmare. Or it can come as a great relief. People don't always react as negatively as you think they might (although sometimes the opposite is true). They might even be positive and supportive.

Still, any situation you're not in control of can be scary. So what do you do if you're outed?

1. Take a deep breath.
Being outed can be very unsettling because you weren't given a choice about it. You might feel like you weren't ready to come out. But it happened, so take a moment to regroup and think about how you want to deal with the situation. It's true that you weren't able to control being outed, but you can control how you deal with it from here.

2. Assess the situation.
Take a look around to determine what your next move should be. Are you safe? How do you feel? How are others reacting? These questions can help you figure out whether you should try to start a conversation right now or regroup before going forward. You might want to get outside resources and/or help.

3. Take action.
Based on the other person's reaction and your level of preparedness, you have several options. If you feel like you can engage in a conversation, try it. By opening the lines of communication, you're taking back some degree of control over the situation, and that can be very empowering. It can also help increase the odds of a positive outcome from the situation.

If the situation is too emotionally charged to engage in a positive conversation, or if a discussion starts to get too heated, you can initiate a cooling-off period. This could be a good opportunity for you to chat with a friend, talk to an adult you trust, or reach out to a GLBTQ group for guidance and support.

A third course of action might be more of a necessity than an option. If being outed has made you fear for your safety, either at home or elsewhere, you may need to get immediate help. It's a good idea to approach an adult for assistance—a trusted family member, neighbor, counselor, or school official. You could also contact a GLBTQ group that supports teens. Many such organizations are listed in the
Resources
.

People come out for a variety of reasons, and many of them are quite positive. Coming out is a way to affirm yourself. It shows others that you're happy with who you are. It can also be a way to reach out to others by sharing something very meaningful and personal with them.

Some people come out to increase the overall visibility of GLBTQ people and help advance the GLBTQ human rights movement. Right now, society as a whole assumes that most people are straight (an attitude called “heterosexism”). Many straight people look at others around them and, in the absence of any obvious indication otherwise, assume everyone they see is also straight. Coming out and doing things like wearing a queer-themed shirt or putting a rainbow sticker on your car are ways of challenging these assumptions.

Been There:

“There were 1,900 students at my school when I graduated—1,900 people who can't assume or pretend that gay people don't exist. And if you look at statistics that as many as 10 percent of people are queer, that means that when I came out there were maybe 190 queer kids who got to hear that they are not going to burn in hell, that they are not perverts, and that they can live their lives.”—Anthony, 19

Many people start the coming out process by telling only one or two people, sort of like dipping your big toe into a pool to test the water. Others choose to tell a lot of people all at once. Many decide to come out to a friend or sibling first because they believe they'll get a better reaction from him or her than they might from a parent.

It's definitely a good idea to choose someone you think will be supportive. For some, parents or other family adults are the last people they want to tell. For others, adults at home are people they feel they can go to with anything and who they want to come out to first.

Been There:

“I have come out to my brother. He is younger than me by a year. I felt like I needed to tell someone close to me, and he was the one. . . . It has brought us closer.”
—Athena, 20

There are two big reasons why it's important to take care in selecting the first person (or people) you come out to. For starters, if you have a positive first experience, you'll feel better about the prospect of coming out to other people. Having someone react positively is a boost to your self-esteem.

Second, if the first person you come out to is accepting of you, then you have additional support as you come out to others. You'll have someone you can talk to about how you're feeling. This person can also be someone you practice on when you're preparing to come out to others. It's very comforting to have someone you can be honest with.

You've given it a lot of thought and you feel you're ready to come out. So how do you do it, especially to (gulp) your family? There are a lot of possibilities for doing this. While there isn't one perfect method for coming out, some ways are more likely to have a positive outcome.

Do your research.
Start by testing your family members' reactions to GLBTQ people. Mention a GLBTQ character on a popular TV show. Bring up an issue like GLBTQ civil rights or queer people being allowed to adopt children and see what their reactions are. Keep in mind—these are only hints. Even if parents, siblings, or grandparents say GLBTQ people should have equal rights, that doesn't mean they'll be totally calm when they find out it's their own relative they're talking about. And the opposite could be true. Knowing a family member is queer might encourage them to think about what it means to be GLBTQ in a different, more positive way.

Gather resources from groups like HRC, PFLAG, and GLSEN (see “
Organizations
” under Resources). These and other GLBTQ organizations have reading lists and brochures for both you and your family. Even if family members don't read the brochures or visit the websites you give them right away, they might later. And while you might feel awkward about coming out to people and then handing them reading material, they're more likely to read something you give them than they are to do research on their own. It's an opportunity for you to give them information that is positive and accurate.