GLBTQ (5 page)

Myth #6: Bisexual people are gay men and lesbians in denial.

The truth:
Unfortunately, bisexuals are sometimes discriminated against by both straight and queer people. This is due to a common lack of understanding about the validity of bisexuality as a permanent sexual and emotional orientation. Bisexual people are just that—people—and they deserve to have their feelings respected just like everyone else, queer or straight. While it's true that some people identify as bisexual for a time before realizing they are gay or lesbian (or even transgender), many people are bisexual, period.

Myth #7: Transgender people are all drag queens and drag kings.

The truth:
Drag queens are men who dress as women and perform for entertainment and drag kings are women who dress as men and perform for entertainment. Transgender people have a deep, personal identification with a gender that is different from their anatomy. Transgender people don't dress or act certain ways to get attention or for entertainment, but instead to reflect who they are inside. Some transgender people are also drag queens or drag kings, but most are not.

Myth #8: GLBTQ people are all into partying and drugs.

The truth:
For a long time, some of the only safe places for GLBTQ people to get together were in queer or queer-friendly bars and clubs. They became not only places to socialize, but also, in some cases, places to meet and organize civil rights efforts. The club and bar scenes are still popular today, but GLBTQ people socialize in other places, as well. Unfortunately, many media portrayals of GLBTQ people are limited to sensational and racy depictions of the queer party scene. Even worse, those are the only images some straight people have been exposed to. Just like straight people, though, queer people have interests that go well beyond partying. And plenty of queer people don't “do the scene” at all.

Myth #9: Queer people recruit.

The truth:
This myth is rooted in a misunderstanding that GLBTQ people choose to be who they are, and so therefore they can talk or turn someone else into being queer. An especially vicious aspect of this myth is the accusation that GLBTQ people “recruit” young people. In fact, this book has been banned from a few libraries because some people allege that the information in it is designed to “turn” young people GLBTQ. Being gay isn't like buying a car—a skilled salesperson can't just talk you into it. Personal identity and attraction are highly individual and can't be dictated by someone else.

What is true is that after being exposed to or spending time with GLBTQ people, a person might realize that he or she has similar personal feelings or characteristics. Many queer people recall understanding themselves better after meeting, reading about, or listening to others who are GLBTQ.

Been There:

“In college, I started spending a lot of time with a friend who was a lesbian. I didn't understand why, but I felt really compelled to hang out with her almost all the time. When I came out, my mom accused my friend of turning me gay. But it wasn't that. It was that spending time with her and having her put words to what I had been feeling for years made me realize I was like her all along.”
—Jasmine, 22

Myth #10: Gay men are interior decorators, fashion designers, and hairdressers, and lesbians are construction workers, police officers, and social workers.

The truth:
Some of us are, and that's great, but many of us aren't. Look at fashion model Jenny Shimizu, who is a lesbian, and Mark Bingham, a gay rugby player who acted with great bravery to help bring down Flight 93 before it could hit the U.S. Capitol on September 11, 2001. From supermodels to heroes, we are everywhere.

Myth #11: Queer people can't be parents.

The truth:
Many queer people have children, and same-sex parenting is becoming more common. Some GLBTQ people adopt, while others have children from previous straight marriages. Still others undergo artificial insemination or use a surrogate mother. It used to be that a “normal” family was nuclear—a mom, a dad, and two kids. Today, there might be two moms, two dads, a mom and two dads, and so on. More states are allowing second-parent adoption in same-sex households and are permitting gay couples to be foster parents. In the generations to come, more people will have gay parents, which should lead to a broader understanding and acceptance of GLBTQ people.

Myth #12: GLBTQ people only live in urban areas.

The truth:
There's a bumper sticker that reads, “We're everywhere.” That's no joke. Commonly accepted estimates suggest that as many as 1 in 10 people are GLBTQ. Being queer isn't dictated by where you live or how you grow up. It's likely that GLBTQ people are more visible in urban areas because there is greater acceptance of differences there (although some rural areas are very accepting). It's easy to feel alone when you first realize you're queer, but you aren't.

Myth #13: Gay men can't commit to a long-term relationship, and lesbians can't
not
commit.

The truth:
The stereotype that gay men can't be monogamous and lesbians can't be single is persistent. Much of this is based more on stereotypes about gender in general than about GLBTQ men and women. Men have gotten the reputation for being unable to commit, and women are often thought of as always wanting to settle down. The truth is, these are just generalizations, and there are many happy gay male couples and plenty of single lesbians.

Myth #14: GLBTQ people are “immoral.”

The truth:
Some misinformed people view GLBTQ people as immoral or deviant. Being queer relates to one's personal sexual orientation; being immoral is a subjective assessment or judgment based on how someone views someone else's behavior. Everyone has a different view of what is moral or immoral, and a lot goes into making up these personal opinions. What's important is that GLBTQ teens understand that someone's personal judgment is not fact.

Myth #15: GLBTQ people are not religious or spiritual.

The truth:
This is closely related to Myth #14. Many queers do participate in organized religion or abide by a set of personally held spiritual beliefs. And many churches, temples, and other places of worship welcome and accept GLBTQ people. Some churches—the Metropolitan Community Church being one of the best known—take a strong stand on human rights, including GLBTQ civil rights.

Many churches have been divided over whether or not to welcome GLBTQ congregants and/or allow queer people to serve as religious officials. One of the most publicized instances has been in the Lutheran church. In August 2009, the Evangelical Lutheran Church voted to allow gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender people to openly serve as pastors. Further, the church voted that GLBTQ pastors would not have to be celibate and they could live openly with regard to their personal relationships. On July 25, 2010, the church officially welcomed the first seven GLBTQ pastors into its ranks—a successful ending to a decades-long struggle.

For more information on GLBTQ people and issues of religion and spirituality, including examples from other religions and denominations, see Chapter 9.

Some of the most difficult GLBTQ stereotypes to conquer can be the ones you hold yourself. You might not realize it, but even you could believe some inaccurate information about GLBTQ people. By adolescence, most teens have internalized at least some negative messages they've received.

Stereotypes about GLBTQ people can also make it tough to know that you're queer. Some people say they had trouble figuring out that they are GLBTQ because they didn't seem to fit the “definition” of what that meant. But it turns out that definition was based on stereotypes, and what it means to be GLBTQ is different for each person.

Out comedian Elvira Kurt has a bit in her stand-up routine when she comes out to the audience, then teases some of them about their shocked reactions. “Well, she has short hair, but she's wearing a dress and lipstick. Is she butch or femme?” she jokes. She then explains that she's part of a vast space between butch and femme that she likes to call “fellagirly.”

Some GLBTQ people adhere to some of the same stereotypes about queer people that many straight people do. Maybe you think that because you're GLBTQ, you won't be able to pursue your chosen profession or have children. Maybe you think it means you'll have to dress or act a certain way. But that's not true. Contrary to popular belief, there isn't a “gay lifestyle.” Whatever it means to be GLBTQ is really about what it means to you, not to anyone else. The GLBTQ community is as rich and diverse as the straight community, and there's plenty of room for you just as you are.

It can be difficult to face negative stereotypes, especially when you apply them to yourself. Here are some thoughts to help you unlearn some of the negative misinformation that could be affecting how you feel about yourself. If you're struggling, repeat them to yourself. The more you do, the more you can start to believe them.

1.
I am a human being who happens to be (or might be) queer. It isn't all that I am, but it's a part of me and a part that I embrace.

2
.
Being GLBTQ means only that—it's my sexual orientation/gender identity. I can be anything I want to be.

3.
I am my own person. I can wear what I want, say what I want, and do what I want.

Even though we know there have been GLBTQ people since the beginning of time, many history books largely ignore queer individuals. When GLBTQ people are acknowledged, they are sometimes portrayed as immoral or unnatural. This combination of invisibility and misinformation has contributed to widespread ignorance regarding GLBTQ people. That ignorance often reveals itself as
homophobia
.

Homophobia can put a lot of pressure on you, especially at school. You may be comfortable with being GLBTQ, but classmates, teachers, and even friends might be pretty
un
comfortable with it. Some people may even be hateful or violent.

Been There:

“I'm like everyone else. I'm still human and I still have feelings. The hard part is when ignorant people say you choose to be this way and that it's your fault and it's wrong. It makes you feel like a target.”
—Shannon, 20

Homophobia can make you feel terrible—all you want to do is be yourself, but no one wants to let you. It can also inspire you to try changing the world. Either way, the absolute most important thing to remember is that
homophobia is not about you
. It's about other people and their ignorance. It's not based on who you really are, but on misconceptions and untruths. Homophobia might cause you problems in life, but it's not
your
problem. You didn't do anything to bring it on or to deserve it.

So where does homophobia come from, and if there's nothing wrong with GLBTQ people, why doesn't it just go away?

Homophobia is a negative emotion like fear, anger, or suspicion—or a combination of these—toward someone for being GLBTQ. It is rooted in ignorance about GLBTQ people. Homophobia can be overt, like someone shouting “dyke!” or “fag!” in the hall. It can also be subtle, like a teammate quietly avoiding being near you in the locker room.

Although homophobia is never a good thing, it has degrees ranging from mild to severe. People who are ignorant about what it means to be GLBTQ
can
change their negative ideas when they find out a friend or family member is queer. They begin to understand that we are human beings just like everyone else.

For others, homophobia is more deeply rooted and takes form as hatred of GLBTQ people. These individuals may act out in ways that range from lobbying for anti-queer legislation to bullying and physically hurting GLBTQ people. A lot of homophobic people would never dream of physically hurting another human being. But heartbreaking incidents like Matthew Shepard's brutal murder in 1998 and widespread occurrences of queer young people committing suicide because of anti-GLBTQ bullying show that a lot of hatred still exists in this world. Such incidents mean that queer people need to think seriously about their safety.

The dictionary defines a phobia as an irrational fear. So, by definition, homophobia is not based on reason.

According to clinical psychologist Dr. Sandy Loiterstein, who has worked as a support group coordinator for the Washington, D.C., chapter of Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG), homophobia can have a variety of sources. “One of these is the perception that being GLBTQ is a choice,” she said in an interview. “Some people get very angry or frustrated with GLBTQ people because they don't understand why they would make such a choice. There's also an inability to see GLBTQ people as individuals. Instead, they're seen through stereotypes. Ancient fears of differentness, probably the major source of homophobia, have been perpetuated by religious and other institutions, including mental health organizations. As recently as 1976, the American Psychiatric Association finally removed their classification of homosexuality as a mental illness.”

In some cases, the historic roots of anti-GLBTQ attitudes don't have much to do with homosexuality. In some cultures, any sexual contact between two people that could not result in the conception of a child (such as oral sex) was considered sinful or morally wrong regardless of whether it was between people of different sexes or the same one. In some cases, it was the act rather than the biological sex of the people engaged in it that was frowned upon. According to
Hidden from History: Reclaiming the Gay & Lesbian Past,
some historians believe that in certain cultures and religions the roots of homophobia extend back to such beliefs.

For more information on common fears and myths about GLBTQ people, see Chapter 1
.

Another kind of homophobia is
internalized homophobia
. People with internalized homophobia have difficulty accepting that they are GLBTQ. They feel guilty about who they are or believe that being queer means something is wrong with them.

George Weinberg, the psychologist and GLBTQ rights activistwho coined the terms
homophobia
and
internalized homophobia,
stated in a 2002 interview in the magazine
Gay Today
that internalized homophobia is the fear of being different, singled out, punished, or laughed at. Weinberg explained that internalized homophobia decreases as people are able to accept themselves for who they are, regardless of what others might think.

When you're GLBTQ, sometimes you wish people would just stop acting like it's a huge deal. Conversely, there are situations when queer people might seem nonexistent. For example, if you're a guy, it can be frustrating, embarrassing, or nerve-racking when relatives or others continually ask, “Do you have a girlfriend yet?” instead of asking something that makes fewer assumptions, like, “Are you dating anyone special?”

Questions that assume you're straight are good examples of
heterosexism
. Heterosexism is the idea that heterosexual people are the norm and that GLBTQ people are somehow abnormal. The assumption that all people are heterosexual or that only heterosexuality is “normal” contributes to homophobia. The disparate marriage rights for homosexual couples and heterosexual couples in the United States are an example of heterosexism.

Have you ever heard of
mob mentality
? It's when an individual might not normally do something, but because she sees other people doing it, she thinks it must be okay or feels pressure to join in.

One reason homophobia is so common is mob mentality. Mob mentality often plays a role when people gang up on GLBTQ teens and bully them, including in person or online. When a handful of people speak out strongly against GLBTQ people and their ideas go unchallenged, ignorance and hatred can persist.

How common is homophobia? Common enough that GLBTQ activists are fighting against it all over the world. In the United States, the Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation (GLAAD) is working to encourage positive, informed portrayals of GLBTQ people in the media. The Human Rights Campaign (HRC) and National Gay and Lesbian Task Force (NGLTF) are working to enact social change by getting legislation passed that protects GLBTQ people and their civil rights. Internationally, PFLAG is working to increase understanding of and support for GLBTQ people by changing attitudes about them. These are just some of the many groups working to make the world a better place for GLBTQ people.

Every day people are lobbying legislators to pass queer-friendly laws such as the Employment Non-Discrimination Act (ENDA), which would prohibit workplace discrimination based on sexual orientation or gender identity. California's Student Safety and Violence Prevention Act states that all California schools have a duty to protect students from discrimination and/or harassment on the basis of sexual orientation or gender identity. In 2002, student George Loomis, along with a coalition of local groups, PFLAG, the American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU), and the Gay-Straight Alliance Network (GSA Network) used the law as a basis for a successful lawsuit against Loomis's school district for failing to take actions to protect him from harassment.