GLBTQ (10 page)
Be patient.
Coming out to family membersâespecially those closest to youâis a milestone in your life. It's a big deal for them, too. It can be tough, even heartbreaking, when someone you really care about has trouble accepting who you are. But give family members the benefit of the doubt if they don't embrace your sexual orientation or gender identity at first. Remember that you've had a lot longer to adjust to and accept yourself as GLBTQ. Chances are it's breaking news to them.
Coming Out as Questioning . . . or as Something Else Entirely:
You might decide to come out to someone as questioning. Or maybe you want to come out as omnisexual, genderqueer, or some other term you're comfortable with. If you do, you'll probably have to answer a lot of questionsâperhaps even more. Saying that you identify as questioning might be confusing for people who need labels like straight, gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgender to help them understand the situation. That means a lot of people probably won't understand what you mean when you say you're questioning (or however you choose to describe yourself).
Many people prefer to come out after they have a more concrete concept of their sexual orientation or gender identity. For others, coming out as questioning helps them gain support from friends or family members as they go through the process of exploring their identities. Still others will keep some fluidity and choose to never label themselves as one specific orientation.
However you decide to come out (
if
you decide to come out), remember to keep the lines of communication open and try to be patient with others' questions. More often than not, they're just trying to understand you betterâand that's a sign that they care.
Pick a good time.
Coming out to a parent, grandparent, or another family adult the minute he comes home from work or at the big family holiday dinner is probably a bad idea. Avoid situations that already are stressful. Again, keep in mind that you've been adjusting to the idea of being queer for a while, but it might come as a complete surprise to others. Pick a time when everyone seems relaxed and comfortable.
Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst.
Some family members might respond by kicking you out of your home. It sounds harsh, but it does happen. Have an idea of where you can go or who you can turn to if things get ugly at home.
Coming Out Checklist
If you haven't checked off each of these, you might want to rethink your decision to come out.
I am ready and I am comfortable with myself.
I've asked myself why I want to come out, and I'm sure it's for the right reasons.
I'm ready to deal with the outcome and realize it might not be the outcome I predict.
I'm ready to provide information and answer questions.
I have a support system in case this doesn't go the way I'd like it to.
Practice.
Once you've decided you want to come out, practice, practice, practice. Look at yourself in the mirror or practice on the poster of your favorite musician or sports figure. It's like giving a presentation at school, only much more personal. You might think it's weird to practice. But it's an emotional topic and it might be more difficult than you think to express yourself. If you practice what you're going to say, you'll probably sound a lot calmer and clearer when the time arrives. As you practice, try to anticipate some of the questions people might ask so you have well-thought-out responses. See the following section for some common reactions and responses you can provide.
No matter how much you prepare, there's no telling what your family members' reactions will be. Nevertheless, parents and others have very common reactions and questions in response to a loved one coming out. It may help to keep the following reactions in mind as you prepare for “The Talk.” State your responses as calmly and rationally as possible so you don't ignite an altercation. It can be really difficult not to get worked up when you feel strongly about something, but that won't help your case.
Reaction: “How do you know?”
Possible response:
“How do you know you're straight? It's just something I feel deep inside.”
Reaction: “It's just a phase” or “You're too young to know.”
Possible response:
“I understand that you're probably surprised by this. This isn't a phase, and I think in time you'll realize that. I know I might seem too young to know for sure, but think about how old you were when you started to get crushes on other boys or girls and develop more meaningful attractions. Me being queer is new to you, but my understanding of who I am has been evolving in me for a long time.”
Reaction: “Why are you doing this to me?”
Possible response:
“This isn't about you. It's about me and my relationship with you. I'm telling you this because it's who I am and I respect and want to be open with you. I want you to have a relationship with
me,
not the person you
think
I am, and that means I have to be honest with you.”
Reaction: “It's your choice to be this way.”
Possible response:
“No one knows exactly why people are queer, but most scientists and health professionals believe that part of it could be biology. I don't have those kinds of answers for you, but what I can tell you is that for me, I don't feel it's a choice. This is just who I am.”
Reaction: “You're just saying that because you think it's cool.”
Possible response:
“Cool is about what other people think of you. It's just an opinion. This isn't about what anyone else thinks is cool or not cool, it's about who I am.”
Reaction: “But your life is going to be so hard.”
Possible response:
“Life can be more difficult for GLBTQ people at times, sure. I'll have to deal with other people's prejudice and ignorance, but I can handle that. What's more difficult to deal with is prejudice in my own family, and that's why I need your support. Besides, life is challenging for everyone at one time or another. That's why we need to stick together.”
Reaction: “Why do you want to live that way?”
Possible response:
“There's no âway' GLBTQ people live. We're just like everyone else. The queer community is just as diverse in our lifestyles and opinions as the straight community. A lot of stereotypes exist about the so-called âqueer lifestyle,' but they're just stereotypes.”
Reaction: “I always thought you'd get married and have children.”
Possible response:
“Maybe someday I
will
get married, if I find the right person and that's what my partner and I want. And if we want children, we can do that, too. Lots of parents today are the same sex.”
Reaction: “It's just wrong.”
Possible response:
“Who I am is not wrong. I think that lying to you is wrong, and that's why I want to be open with you about this. I care about you and what you think is important to me, so it's painful for me to hear that you feel that way. But I also understand that this is a lot of information to take in, and you probably need some time to think about it. But please know that you can bring it up later and we can talk about it. Just know that I'm telling you this out of love and respect for you and our relationship.”
