GLBTQ (8 page)

So who do you tell about bullying? Reporting it to an approachable teacher, counselor, or administrator are all options. Maybe one of your teachers or a school staff member has witnessed the bullying and will support you if you go to the administration.

It can be very daunting to approach an administrator. Not only are you upset about the incident or incidents, you might also be worried about the administrator's reaction. It's even tougher if you aren't comfortable being GLBTQ or talking about it. For that reason, it's a good idea to get a parent or another adult to go with you. This person can support you, and her presence can help show the administrator that bullying is a serious matter and won't be tolerated.

Been There:

“The majority of my attackers were never punished. On one occasion, three boys were suspended for three days. The principal told me they were suspended for the verbal attacks and not the physical one, as the physical one could not be proven. I had several witnesses report it to him, but he just didn't want to do much about it. Later, I was attacked in the hallway. I do not remember much of it, as my head was hit on the locker several times and I must have blacked out or something. After that, I got a lawyer through the ACLU and a couple of national organizations helped me by talking with school officials. The school has been very supportive recently. Maybe that was because of my influence and pressure on them.”
—Randy, 15

Here are some tips for approaching a school official or other adult:

1. Stay calm. If you present your case in a calm, rational way, it will be harder for the adult to dismiss you as overreacting or being too emotional.

2. Provide an exact account, as detailed as you can remember, about what happened. It's also helpful if you have witnesses who are willing to back up your story.

3. Explain that your safety is in jeopardy as long as the issue continues unaddressed.

Some school officials will be outraged by the harassment. Others will be reluctant to take action. Some might imply or say outright that GLBTQ students invite harassment by being out. If you are assaulted (the legal definition is a threat of harm) or battered (physically attacked), you can file a report with the police. If no one will help you, you can reach out to a national organization like GLSEN or the National Gay and Lesbian Task Force (NGLTF). There also might be a local group in your area that can help you. Either way, you don't have to accept harassment, and you don't have to confront it alone.

It has come to light that many of the GLBTQ teens who committed suicide recently were the victims of cyberbullying. The popularity of social media sites and use of text messaging has resulted in an increase of cyberbullying. According to GLSEN's “2009 National School Climate Survey,” 53 percent of students reported having been victims of cyberbullying.

Cyberbullying can take place via electronic means and forums such as email, chat rooms, social media pages, instant messaging, text messaging, and blogs.

According to the Stop Bullying Now project (
www.stopbullying.gov/kids
), cyberbullying includes:

• Sending mean, vulgar, or threatening messages or images
  
• Posting sensitive, private information and/or lies about another person
  
• Pretending to be someone else in order to make another person look bad
  
• Intentionally excluding someone from an online group
  

This form of harassment can be particularly tough to deal with because messages communicated electronically often can be quickly and broadly distributed, and it's not always easy to tell who is sending the messages.

Putting an end to cyberbullying involves many of the same steps as stopping in-person harassment. The National Crime Prevention Council (NCPC) advises young people to tell a trusted adult about the harassment so she or he can help get the proper authorities involved. In the case of online harassment, the NCPC also encourages you to report the abuse to site administrators and to use online tools to block hurtful messages. In severe cases, changing your email address or phone number is suggested.

If it becomes necessary to involve law enforcement or other officials, you will want a record of the bullying. As much as you might want to delete the offensive messages, it's a good idea to keep them to document and prove what's happened. Also, if you are not sure who is harassing you, electronic messages often can be traced back to the source.

Although a lot of negativity exists toward GLBTQ people, the world continues to change for the better. Not all (or even most) straight people are anti-gay. Young people are helping to make the biggest difference when it comes to promoting positive attitudes about GLBTQ people. A Gallup poll conducted in May of each year asks Americans about their attitudes toward homosexuality. In 2008, 57 percent of all Americans surveyed said they found homosexuality to be an acceptable lifestyle, compared with only 34 percent in 1982. Acceptance of GLBTQ people is even higher among younger generations—75 percent of Americans ages 18 to 34 surveyed said they feel homosexuality is acceptable.

While it's likely you'll encounter homophobia in your life, you will also—and hopefully far more often—encounter acceptance.

Throughout history, GLBTQ people have often felt the need to hide who they are to avoid harassment and discrimination. However, a gradual shift in society's attitudes toward GLBTQ people has been occurring. This shift, combined with turning-point events like the 1969 Stonewall riots, has helped create an atmosphere where more people feel comfortable coming out. Many GLBTQ people used to hide their identities, but today, more and more are open about who they are.

On one level, coming out is very simple. It's nothing more than being open with family, friends, and others about identifying as GLBTQ. On another level, coming out isn't so simple. It can expose you to everything from awkward social situations, such as someone trying to fix you up with the only other queer person he knows, to prejudice and harassment.

Been There:

“As a freshman in college I came out to a friend of mine. At first, I thought it might be a big mistake because she was the most popular freshman on campus. But I thought that since she trusted me with her deepest secrets, then I could trust her with mine. When I told her she said, ‘Wow, that's cool. You know, I didn't want to ask but. . . .' That was the beginning of our friendship on a whole new level.”
—Sasha, 20

The decision to come out is a significant one, especially when you're a teen. Some teens who come out are harassed and experience violence at home or at school. Some teens are kicked out of the house or are forced to run away. These things don't happen to everyone, but it's important to seriously consider your safety and well-being before coming out.

But coming out also has many positive aspects. You can live your life openly and meet other GLBTQ people. Many GLBTQ teens say being out feels liberating. It can be very empowering to be honest about who you are.
American Idol
finalist Adam Lambert spoke publicly about the relief he felt after coming out in an interview with
Rolling Stone
magazine. He initially tried to hide that he was gay because he feared it would hurt his chances of winning
American Idol.

The purpose of this chapter is not to tell you whether or not you should come out—it's to help you decide what's right for you. Even if you don't feel like you have a lot of control over your life,
you
are the only person who can ultimately decide how to live it. That includes making decisions about how out you want to be. If you do decide to come out, this chapter will give you some advice on how best to do it.

As you learn more about the GLBTQ community, you'll find that coming out is a very meaningful issue. Some people will ask you if you're out, or who you're out to. They might want to share their coming-out stories. Sometimes it seems like everyone who is GLBTQ is obsessed with the idea of being out. A popular GLBTQ magazine is called
Out,
and there's even a National Coming Out Project.

Coming out is the process of telling others that you're GLBTQ. The phrase “coming out” comes from the metaphor that you're “coming out of the closet.” Conversely, people who are not out often are referred to as being “closeted,” meaning they've chosen not to tell others of their GLBTQ identity.

There's a whole range of being out. People can be completely out, meaning they're open with everyone about being GLBTQ. Some are partially out, meaning they're out to some people but not everyone. Others might only be out to one very close person in their lives. Some people aren't out at all.

Coming out has its pluses and minuses. It can open up your social life to other GLBTQ teens and allow you to live openly without having to hide who you are. But it can also cause stress in your family and put a strain on some of your friendships. For most GLBTQ people, coming out is a major milestone and a life-changing experience. It's like taking off a mask and letting people see who you really are. Some people decide to come out because they're tired of hiding who they are. These people are willing to risk telling others in exchange for the freedom of living openly.

All of this emphasis on coming out can put a lot of pressure on you, but there's no rush. People can be ready to come out at different times. Some come out at 14, others at 40. Coming out can be a great and affirming experience. But if you're not ready, it can feel like a disaster.

Dr. Sandy Loiterstein, a clinical psychologist who often works with GLBTQ people, emphasizes this point. She explains, “It's important for teens to know that discovering your identity is a process, and everyone does so in her own time. Teens, especially, can have a tough time figuring out who they are because they are sorting through so many issues at once.”

You might feel internal pressure to come out, or see out celebrities or people in your community and think, “I
should
be out.” You can also feel pressure from other sources, such as friends or people in the GLBTQ community. Some people might be saying you need to come out, but others might be giving you completely different messages. Maybe your parents or other people say things like, “I don't understand why gay people have to flaunt it. They should just keep it to themselves.” Regardless of what others tell you, your first responsibility is to yourself.

Without a doubt, more teens than ever are coming out. Many studies, news articles, and books are noting the increasingly younger ages when people are coming out. According to Cornell University professor Ritch Savin-Williams, a recognized authority on issues surrounding GLBTQ teens, the current generation of teens self-identifies as gay, lesbian, bisexual, or something else other than straight on average at around 16 years old. This is down from an average age of 21 two to three decades ago. In his book
The New Gay Teenager,
Savin-Williams also notes that today's teenage girls are less likely to identify as lesbian, instead identifying frequently as bisexual, polysexual, omnisexual, or some other term suggesting they are not exclusively attracted to females or males.

A 2009 cover story in
The New York Times Magazine
focused on young people coming out in middle school, including a boy who decided to come out at age 11. The article suggests that earlier sexual development and increased exposure to positive information about being GLBTQ could be factors in this phenomenon.

But some people question whether a person has the ability to be certain of her orientation at such a young age. “How can you possibly know at that age?” is a common question.

Many GLBTQ young people today don't identify as one thing or another. Instead, they're comfortable existing in an open space or gray area when it comes to sexual orientation. “Who cares about labels?” is a common attitude among these teens. GLBTQ teens typically have more straight allies among peers than in previous generations, and that can help them feel more comfortable coming out or identifying as something other than gay or lesbian.

This fluidity in the way some people define their orientation can confuse those who are used to black and white notions of “gay” and “straight.” The idea of sexual attraction and orientation without boundaries or distinctions isn't really different from the sexual orientation spectrum documented by Alfred Kinsey (see Chapter 1).

Many young people do choose to come out, but that doesn't mean you have to. In fact, in some cases, coming out might not be the best decision, at least for now. Tom Sauerman, a leader in the Philadelphia chapter of PFLAG, advises that it might be better for some teens to wait to come out until they can be reasonably certain it won't jeopardize their safety or quality of life at home or school.

Only you can decide the right time to come out. So it's up to you to make sure you're ready. If you are emotionally prepared to come out, you'll have a more positive experience than if you're not. Here are some questions to ask yourself about being ready.

Am I sure I'm GLBTQ?
If you're not certain you are GLBTQ (and remember, it's okay to be questioning), you might want to wait before coming out. Most GLBTQ people come out in part because they feel the need to have others know what they're feeling and experiencing. If you're not sure whether you're GLBTQ, think about waiting. Or you can come out as queer or “not straight” rather than choosing a label. But you might have more explaining to do in this situation, because most people have a better understanding of terms like gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgender than broader ideas such as queer, genderqueer, or “other.”

Am I comfortable with myself?
This can be a challenge. After all, you might feel what every teenager feels at one time or another—that there's nothing comfortable about being you. This could be because of your sexual orientation, or it could just be part of adjusting to changes in your body and your social roles. If you're comfortable with yourself and confident about your orientation (whether it's a distinct label or not), the person you're coming out to is more likely to be accepting of you.

Why am I coming out?
Come out because you're ready. Come out to affirm yourself. Come out because you want to share with others who you are. In short, come out because
you want to
. Don't come out on a whim, to get a reaction from someone, or because anyone else is pressuring you.

Can I be patient with other people's reactions?
It's natural to want an immediate positive reaction from the person you're coming out to, but that probably won't always be the case. Remember how long it might have taken you to adjust to the idea that you're GLBTQ. Others may need time to adjust, too. Be mentally prepared to give them that time.