Good for Now (Book One of The Now Series) (14 page)

Chapter 34

Julie

There is a knock at the door.

“It’s open,” I say.

“Oh, hi,” Heather says, leaning against the door frame looking tired.

“How was your first day?”

“Great, I feel like I am finally doing what I should have.”

“Well, you’re a natural, that’s for sure. I’ve heard Mr. Grant say how happy that you’re working here. Heard you settled a case.”

“Yes, sometimes I think people don’t realize their options and have to be reminded, that’s all.”

“True, still you are a natural.”

“Thanks, you’re a natural at your job, and I know if you weren’t as helpful and nice, I would have had a hard time today.”

“Well, I am headed out. Do you want to get a drink? It will be fine, my husband is working overtime and I thought we could go and get an appetizer and maybe a few beers. It will be a lot of fun.”

The invitation sounded heavenly, but I was meeting Kevin.

“I wish I could, but I am meeting someone,” I say, feeling awful. If it were not Kevin I would have cancelled.

“Oh, I’m sorry.”

“For what?”

“For putting you on the spot, I should have known you have someone waiting for you,” Heather says.

“Not really, he is just an ex. We are meeting to settle a few matters. Otherwise I would have gone with you. He is not from the area…”

“I see, no problem. Another time, but if you want me to call you at a certain time to shorten the time with him, give me the word. I know how uncomfortable ex’s can be,” Heather says.

“Not a bad idea,” I say.

Heather reaches a business card on my desk, flips it over and writes down what seems to be her phone number.

“Here, call or text me when you want. I really am just a text away; my iPhone is basically glued to me,” Heather says, as she passes the card my way.

“I will have it handy, well have a great night. I am going to tidy up around here before leaving.”

Once in the car I take a moment of silence. I don’t want the radio on and I shut my phone off. I crave it to be quiet.

I think about Kevin. It has been at least six months that we have seen each other. I hope I don’t start crying like a hopeless teenager. However, I still do feel like one as Kevin is my first real boyfriend. But I am a woman now; who will be turning 27 in May.

I don’t want him to see how he has hurt me and how I still suffer from him not being in my life. I know deep down that I love him.

I turn my phone back on. In less than two hours I will see him. My nerves start kicking in and I don’t know I should act around him. Will he kiss me like nothing ever happened between us? Or will he just shake my hand, which I know would kill me. Should I kiss him?

It’s 7:05, Kevin is officially late.

“Calm down,” I think, walking over to the kitchen table to look at the mail. There is a letter from the title company; it looks like the closing for the house on Chestnut will be at the end of the month.

I look at my phone, it is now 7:10, no text or call from Kevin. I get up and lounge on the couch, turn on the television and start watching
Law and Order
. It isn’t an episode I have seen, so I lay back on the couch, pulling up the mini blanket at the sectional and cover my legs. I intently watch, feeling my restlessness dwindle. My eyes are tired, today has been a long day. I place my phone next to me, just incase Kevin calls if I fall in a deep sleep.

I jerk up, half a sleep feeling off, panic takes me down like I have slept through the night. Feeling sick with worry that I look at my phone it is 10:00 p.m. My heart drops seeing there are no missed calls or even a voicemail from Kevin.

I feel rejected, and all I want to do is jump out of my skin, not to feel the dread I do. I can’t believe how stupid I was to even think for a second that he was really going to show-up. I get up, feeling like there is a candle under my bum, walk restlessly around the living room, hoping to calm my thumping heart.

I sit back on the couch, turn on the T.V. I’m seconds away from calling Kevin to say his things will be waiting for him outside. But I know deep down I am bluffing; I wouldn't dare. The anxiety would kill me; wondering what he would do and how he would do it. I would be the one asking for forgiveness, so I do nothing.

Breaking News.

A fatal car crash on I-95/East on Plain Road. This is the exit ramp Kevin would take off to get to the apartment. I panic thinking it could be him that died in the accident.

I raise the volume, fixated at the screen. I am listening closely to hear who got in the accident. The anchor lady, just keep on repeating victim, not leaning towards a woman or man.

I can't take it anymore and reach for my phone, my hands are shaking. Making it hard to dial his number. The call goes straight to voicemail.

"Shit," it could be him. HIs phone could have gotten destroyed in the wreck. Still I call again, voicemail again. I watch the screen, I can't make out the vehicle because it is dark. All I can see are flashing lights.

I keep my eyes glued to the television, battling my eyelids that desperately want to go to bed.

The latest update sates that the person who died was a woman. Her name is Janet Hoffman, who was a mother to three young children. I feel my body release the tension I was feeling, sad for this woman and her children, who are now left without a mother. Yet feeling the anger I was feeling a few hours ago reappear.

Kevin wasn’t here because he was in an accident. Now I was feeling sad. Maybe something came up. Even if this was true how come he didn't call?

Chapter 35

Julie

A week later

"Nice to see you,' says Violet. "How did the rest of the week go?"

"Great for now, but something happened that I am embarrassed about," I say.

"Let's hear the great for now."

I smile, "I got the job at the district attorney office, you are looking at the newest assistant prosecuting district attorney."

“Congrats, I knew you would get it, of course this is not to underestimate you getting the job.”

“Thanks, yesterday was my first day.”

“Nice, how did you like it?” Violet asks, smiling at me, I feel her studying my body language.

“Other than one of the prosecuting attorneys asking if I fooled around or not, it was great.”

“What did you do?” Violet asks. “How did you react?”

“I just kept quiet, but inside I felt myself become angry. I think he noticed it too, because he left rather quickly. I think with all that has happened with Kevin I can’t stand cheating men.”

Violet writes on the yellow notepad. I look at my phone seeing twenty minutes already have passed by, feeling like if I don’t talk about what is really eating me up. I will have to wait.

I reach for my oversized Coach purse and pull out a spiral notebook. It is the one I have been writing my thoughts in. I feel a lump in my throat, fearing what I wrote and if I should even share it with Violet, but I know if I don’t. I will regret it.

“What’s in the notebook? asks Violet.

“It’s my journal, last night was not a good night.”

“What happened?”

I open the spiral notebook and read, “You fooled me once again…” I barely could finish the sentence. All I can think about is Violet thinking what she just heard was the stupidest thing ever.

“I know that was dumb, I won’t read anymore,” I say. “I actually can’t.”

“It was lovely, it made me a whole lot of sense and I appreciate you sharing it,” Violet says.

I let out a laugh/cry not knowing how to react, really not knowing what I am feeling. The only thing I do know is that I do feel a little better. It felt like a little release in a tight dress.

“Kevin called yesterday,” I say.

“Really? What for?”

I take a deep breath, to collect my thoughts, “I really don’t know what for, because it was really all for nothing.”

“How so? Can you tell me? That is if you like.” Violet says.

“He called me at work, saying he wanted to meet, but I said I couldn’t until later because I was working.”

“Did you see him later?”

I let out a deep breath, “We planned to, but he didn’t show up,” I say, feeling like a fool, I can feel my face become flushed from embarrassment. “I was stupid to even think he was going to show up.”

“No, you weren’t. You were being who you are, considerate.”

“Look where it got me, today I realized what a pull he still has on me. I do so much better when he is not around, and the really screwed up thing was that I wanted him last night. I was really to let my guard down and just go with the flow. What is wrong with me?” I ask, feeling a throat tighten and my heart racing hard against my chest.

“What you are going through is part of the process of brining you back. I want you to write more in your journal.”

“I will.”

“Also, did you order the vibrator?”

I feel my jaw drop, “Yes.”

“Use it, when you feel lonely.”

“It won’t disappoint you.”

Chapter 36

Kevin

I can’t believe she’s finally working and for her father of all people. It’s fucked up. He sees I am not good for her. He's an asshole and she should know better than to work for him. It is not like she needs the money; she has her trust fund from a fucken relative she never met. I wish I had her luck.

It's all good, it's not like I have lost. She still wanted to see me, but I didn't have a good feeling with her new independence. I could see her using it to tell me she doesn't want to see me anymore. Maybe I should wait to see her another time.

I still have four hours to kill if I still want to see her. I could crawl in Joe's office and ask him for a job. I could suggest Julie and I work together, but I am not ready for his bullshit questions, and definitely not ready for the sympathy card either, "Oh, I am sorry things didn't work out, the case was a close one." These types of comments would only be said to mock the shit out of me.

Nah, I won't be stopping by Mr. White's law practice. But I might as well go by my old office. I'm sure Marjorie will be happy to see me get my things out. I was lucky to sublease the office space to another lawyer, or else my credit would have been further ruined.

Driving to the office, I look at the streets I use to pass everyday, looking the same. Having me think how things were before the trial, how good life was and I had to fucken blow it. My life was better than it was after the Kemp trial. But deep down I know I would do it again. I would risk the chance for a life of privilege and power.

I knew she was lying but I thought she was smarter. I thought she could at least cry whenever her ex was mentioned in court, but she couldn't shed one fuckening tear for the man who gave her a decent life. I should have known by her actions she was dumb. She killed her money card, the second he took his last breath.

What angers me is how I could have gotten her a non guilty plea verdict if she'd listen to me. If she would have fucken memorized the lines. She would have been acquitted, and I would have all the respect and money. I would have been good for a long moment. And not be left with neither, the one thing I desire the most.

Still I am waiting for the retainer fee to be released in my account. A cool million will set me up, until I can get back on my feet.

I'll see Julie another time.

Chapter 37

Julie

On my way out of Violet's office I think about when I made my first collage in seventh grade, It was in art class.

I enjoyed flipping through magazines and cutting out pictures like clothes, dogs, hearts, sunsets, palm trees, exotic places and books. It gave me the idea to create a collage of my dream guy in the privacy of my room later.

I remember asking my mom if I could get some magazines for a project in school and of course she took me to a bookstore and I got the latest issues of Seventeen, Mademoiselle, Teen Beat, and Tiger Beat. She also got herself a a copy of Glamour and Town and Country.

It was when I was flipping through Glamour that I saw a perfume advertisement of my dream guy holding a girl looking much like myself. I was immediately spellbound by the image and carefully ripped the entire page out and hid it in my agenda.

He had short dark hair, he was holding the girl, looking straight in her eyes as she looked up to him. It gave me the chills.

However, what I really liked about the image was there was a love connection between them; yes, the picture was sexy, which did make me blush. But there was an innocence to how they two were posed, looking deep in each other’s eyes. I wanted that and it had become my dream. I realize now, I’m still trying to have this, maybe Kevin will make a turn around and be my ideal man. He even looks like the man in the picture.

I wonder what my parent's real story is. I found my mother's journals under the bed in the guest room a year after she died. I’m suspecting it was my mother's room, finding a lot of her clothing in the guest bedroom's closet

If I hadn't tripped on the carpet under the bed, I wouldn't have seen the box of journals under her bed, against the wall. When I pulled the box to see what was in it. I saw stacks of one-subject-notebooks.

I first thought they were my father's because I have seen him use them often. But when I opened one I it was my mother's handwriting from front to back in her beautiful cursive.

My heart dropped, knowing in my possession I had my mother's most private thoughts. I almost slid the box back, but I felt in my heart that there was a reason why I found them and that she would want me to read them.

Part of me felt guilty, struggling if I should tell dad, but I knew if I did he would probably say it would be best not to read them, because my mother often exaggerated and was overly emotional, but still there were truths in her feelings. Exaggerated or not, it wasn't a secret that marriage wasn't blissful for my mother, or my father.

But they seemed to get over whatever issue they were dealing with, thinking that deep down they still loved each other.

However, that ended when I started high school. It was when I felt a real separation between them, praying it was just a phase, but the divide between them became getter. They hardly looked at each other anymore and when they did, it was at a passing glance. Dad was busier at work and mom seemed to be in the garden from dawn to dust.

I cautiously read the first page of the most recent one on the top of the notebooks. She writes about how she has let life pass her, how she didn't do what she was meant to do. Yet she doesn't say what it was exactly. It is hard reading her words, especially when I hear them in my mind, like she would be whispering them in my ear.

I closed the journal, hardly getting page two. I have them now, knowing I will read every last word of my mother. One of my biggest regrets is not spending more time with her. It was my fault; she asked me many times for us to go for some coffee or go for a walk on the beach, but I often was busy with Kevin.

Don't make the same mistake I did, I can hear her whispering in my ear. Did she mean not being supportive, like dad had said, or did she mean that I should really end it with Kevin?