Gothic Charm School (21 page)

Of course, the things that you don't want repeated probably will be repeated anyway, and there's a very good chance that the gossip will be passed along to its subject, who may confront someone about it. What should you do if you happen to be the person confronted about the gossip? The Lady of the Manners suggests that you show a bit of backbone and admit to being a gossipmonger. Yes, this means the subject of the speculation will probably be annoyed with you, and rightfully so. But not owning up to your actions is cowardly, and if you can't be strong enough to deal with difficult situations, then you shouldn't do things to cause them. Which, yes indeed, Snarklings, includes gossiping.

Cybergoth

But what should you do if (well, when, really) you discover that you are the subject of a particular bit of gossip? There are a few options open to you:

•   As the Lady of the Manners mentioned just a few scant paragraphs ago, you could trace the story back to whoever started it and confront this person about it. The good thing about this approach is that you will identify the most active gossiper in your circle. This can be helpful because talking to the lead gossipmonger can help clear up miscommunications. However, don't think that setting the story straight will cause the original rumor to wither away unnoticed, because it won't. But you'll be able to take some satisfaction in knowing that the truth is out there, even if not everyone will pay attention to it.
  
•   You could decide that you don't care what other people are saying. Yes,
  ignore
  the gossip. If you try to defend your behavior, the gossipers will gleefully assume they've made you upset and defensive. As to worrying about what the gossipers might tell new people, that's another exercise in frustration. The best you can do is hope that new people you meet have not already heard tales about you. If they have, there's nothing you can do about it except show that you're a delightful person to know. Just act like the gossip has no impact on your life.
  

Another way to limit gossip is to refrain from doing things that you would be ashamed of other people knowing about. This suggestion is a bit tricky because, as the Lady of the Manners has already pointed out, people will, in the absence of information, make up their own dratted stories about you.

•   Make up your own rumors about yourself, confess them in confidence to a select few people, and then wait to see how long it takes until they've spread throughout the social circle or scene you're part of. The Lady of the Manners is especially fond of this tactic because not only will it identify the biggest gossips, but it is always fun to see what sort of nonsense one can come up with that will be taken as gospel truth if prefaced with, “You can't tell anyone about this, but…” Not to mention that it's quite entertaining to find out just how embellished your fictitious rumor will be after it sneaks through the gossip chain.
  

Of course, no one wants to be known as a gossip. People may always want to talk to you, but they probably won't trust
you very much. Is the thrill of being the person with all the dirt worth also being known as the person who can't keep a secret?

Romantigoth

The difference between snarkiness and cattiness

To the unobservant and perhaps uninformed, there is no difference between snarkiness and cattiness. And on the surface, there are some similarities. Both types of commentary tend to be acid edged, and Goths are rather infamous for indulging in both. But there is a key difference between the two, and the Lady of the Manners sometimes worries that not enough Goths (or anyone else, for that matter) know the difference. Well-done snark, while sometimes wildly acidic, never should cross over into the territories of bitchy or mean. Catty comments, however, are almost always frosted with a heavy layer of bitchiness and frequently aimed straight at a person's weak spots. The problem is, of course, that the differences between snarky and catty can hinge on variables such as the tone of voice used in delivering said commentary, the relationship between the speaker and his or her target, the general personality and reputation of the speaker, and so on. For example, while the Lady of the Manners laughs in good-natured recognition when friends refer to her as an implausible and clothes-obsessed cartoon character, hearing that comment from someone the Lady of the Manners
isn't
friends with would sting a bit. (Well, probably not because the Lady of the Manners accepts and embraces her more lampoonable quirks, but you get the idea, Snarklings.)

Does this mean you should always bite your tongue and never indulge in the pleasure found in looking around a crowded club and whispering asides to your friends? Oh, don't be silly. The Lady of the Manners isn't trying to turn you into saints, Snarklings; she just wants to polish you up a bit. The Lady of the Manners herself frequently indulges in snark and has friends who can be the cattiest creatures on earth. Just be sure to take responsibility for your words. If someone hears a catty comment you made and confronts you, don't act like you would
never
say something like that and cry, “How could you think such a thing?” Admit to it and apologize for hurting his or her feelings. Mind you, if you don't feel any remorse about what you said, don't bother apologizing. However, understand that such behavior will eventually secure you a reputation as a catty bitch, no matter what your gender, and while that isn't the worst reputation to have, it does carry a subtext of “mean and unpleasant.” In other words, don't be naive about what impact your comments may have.

Gothabilly

The difference between self-confidence and self-absorption

Self-confidence is when you believe in yourself enough to go forth and become the person you want to be. Self-absorption is when you feel that everyone you talk to wants to be you or wants to hear about you and every thought you may ever have. Self-confidence
is a wonderful thing and should be nurtured. Self-absorption is tedious to behold and should be avoided.

Self-absorption is where a lot of the negative clichés about Goth personality traits spring from. That we're all shallow, whiny, only care about shocking people, and prefer to be left alone to wallow in our woe in our darkened rooms. While mere silly twaddle, these negative clichés are pervasive and you need to be aware of them and be vigilant that you don't slide down into their grimy clutches.

Gothic Lolita

The difference between exclusivity and snobbishness

Goths have a bit of a reputation as elitist snobs. Some say we all stand around in gloomy clots, looking down our pale little noses at everyone else. There is the teensiest grain of truth to that reputation—we Goths do have a tendency to be a bit on the exclusionary side of things—not because we think we are
so much better
than everyone else, but because we're wary of what questions or comments may come our way. The Lady of the Manners wishes it wasn't so, but the sad truth of the matter is that most Goths have had to put up with bullying and unkindness from all sorts of people because they are different. So of course we're all a bit standoffish around people we aren't sure of. That's why there's such a thing as the freak nod of mutual recognition. Un-acquainted Goths will usually subtly acknowledge one another
when crossing paths because, though complete strangers, they're both still black-clad eccentrics and part of the extended tribe.