Gothic Charm School (17 page)

But what if you're the object of someone's affection? The suspicion has started to dawn on you that someone thinks of you in a special manner. Friends are starting to whisper and giggle, and apparently you have been given the superpower to cause a specific person to blush and become tongue-tied. Now what do you do?

The simple answer is to treat the smitten person in the same manner that
you
would like to be treated if the positions were reversed. Sending out subtle signals (such as the ones mentioned above) is one method. Others favor taking the direct route and just asking the smitten person out on a date. But what do you do when you really
do
just want to be friends with this person? You don't want to hurt his or her feelings. You want to be nice, but you don't see any possibility of a romantic entanglement.

This is where you have to keep a close watch over your own actions and comments. Try not to do or say anything that the person with the crush could misinterpret as encouragement. But what if you're good friends with this person? Try to become deliberately obtuse about his or her motives, and treat everything like a mere friendly gesture. Again, if possible, use the ever-present gossip network to subtly get the message out. (But make sure that the message doesn't come across as, “What are you, crazy?! Give it up—why would she be interested in you?!” You're just trying to dissuade your crush, not trample emotions and self-esteem.) The object, if at all possible, is to avoid having to deliver the “just friends” speech. No one likes being on the receiving end of that little talk, and it is almost always the kiss of death for a friendship.
The hope here is that the person with the crush gradually realizes the romantic feelings aren't being reciprocated and eventually finds someone else to pursue.

Unfortunately, sometimes the person with the crush doesn't catch on. No matter how clear you think you are being, your admirer keeps trying: visiting you at work, leaving you little presents, constantly inviting you out, worming into conversations you're having with other people, acting jealous—these are the actions of someone who isn't getting the hint. There is a line between expressing interest and stalking, and for some people that line blurs quite easily.

The best thing you can do is communicate that you don't feel comfortable with the level of attention. Try to explain this calmly, but don't be surprised if they doesn't quite get it. At that point, the only thing you can do is end your association. If you run into each other in a social situation, be distantly friendly: don't go over and get involved in a long conversation. Translation: just acknowledge their presence and then try not to interact with them.

Flirting and dating

Goths, preferring to think of themselves as creatures of dark romance, spend a lot of time wrapped up in flirting or dating. Those two things can be the source of fun, entertainment, and happiness, as well as a lot of angst, tortured internal monologues, and long phone calls or e-mails to close friends. However, that list of woes should not be prompted by glaring lapses in common courtesy by one or both parties. The Lady of the Manners has been shocked—shocked, she tells you—by some of the tales of tragedy that she has seen or heard of over the years.

Flirting is a traditional social activity in the Goth scene, especially at night clubs. However, what one person considers harmless flirting can be construed by another as “I find you very attractive and would like to get to ‘know you better' in private.” Sitting on people's laps, excessive touching, or kissing are generally considered to go beyond mere flirtation. If you indulge in this sort of behavior and then claim it “didn't mean anything,” or, even worse, are confused about the level of companionship someone expects from you, don't be surprised if that someone gets upset. Of course, context is everything. Perhaps, for example, your social circle is much more casual about smooches and caresses. If that's the case, try to monitor your behavior when you're around people outside your usual circle. Don't feel you have to change your behavior, but be aware that others might interpret it differently. If that happens, don't feel embarrassed (or angry). Just try to explain.

What if you're from a social circle that doesn't casually smooch and fondle and are mixing with people who treat such behavior as commonplace? First, check with the person you know best at the gathering and ask what is going
on. Don't feel you have to fumble blindly through things. Ask for context. Second, don't feel pressured to change your behavior to match everyone else's. If you don't want to spend the evening at the club making out with your friends, you don't have to. Don't get indignant or deliver a lecture; just make it clear (in a polite and friendly way, of course) that you have somewhat different boundaries and would like them respected.

When embarking upon a flirtation, be honest about your motives, if only to yourself. Have you recently ended another relationship and are merely looking for distraction and reassurance that others find you fascinating and attractive? There's nothing wrong with that, but, to avoid confusion, be very sure of the signals you're sending out. Also, flirting to make your current or ex romantic entanglement jealous is not nice. It's petty, it's unfair to innocent bystanders, and (repeatedly indulged) it's a sure way to prompt unkind gossip about yourself.

Those receiving the flirtation must remember that flirting does not automatically equal romantic potential. It's perfectly fine (and pleasant) to flirt back, but always ask before assuming that it means something more than just a friendly social diversion.

Do not interfere with others' flirting. If you think that one of the people flirting needs to be informed about the other's past behavior or preferences, stop and think seriously about whether you should be the one to deliver that information. Even if you decide you
are
, don't interrupt what is going on to do so, and be very tactful as to how you approach the topic.

If someone doesn't respond to your flirting, leave him or her alone. Some people may not always be in the mood to flirt, some aren't comfortable with flirtatious behavior at all, and some may not want to flirt with
you
. (Yes, the Lady of the Manners is certain that you're all charming and dashing, Snarklings, but sometimes
people have odd tastes that can't be explained, or are entangled in situations that you may not know about.) If you want to ask out the object of your affection, then for heaven's sake just take the direct route and do it. Yes, that requires some courage on your part, but it's better than repeatedly making overtures to someone who hasn't noticed your oh-so subtle self, or (worse yet!) isn't really interested. It also saves a lot of angst and worrying over whether someone likes you or not.

Speaking of asking someone out, when the word “date” is applied to a social outing between two people, it means that at least one of you (and hopefully both of you) is thinking in terms of a possible romance. If you agree to go out on a date (especially after flirting with someone), do not be astonished if the other person considers the outing a stepping stone toward a relationship. If that was not your intention when you accepted the “date,” make things clear by using a phrase like, “This was fun; you're a great
friend
to do things with.” While no one likes getting the “I think of you as a friend” speech, it's still better than finding that what you thought was a budding romance was merely a friendly companionship.

If you have to miss a scheduled date, contact your companion
as soon as possible
. The only acceptable reason to stand someone up is a serious emergency, and you should explain what happened within twenty-four hours (unless you or someone very close to you is hospitalized). Suddenly having a change of heart, going out with someone else, or just forgetting…none of these are acceptable reasons. Even if you feel uncomfortable telling the person that you don't want to follow through with the date, you still should. If you didn't want to go out on the date, you shouldn't have accepted the invitation. If you didn't consider the invitation to be a “date,” then you should have made that clear. Standing someone up for those (or similar) reasons is inexcusable.

Mind you, no one is
owed
a date, ever. The only reason you should accept a date (or whatever you want to call a romantic social activity between two people) is because you are interested in spending time together. You don't have to go out with someone just because he or she is nice, pays attention to you, or seems to expect it. Nor should you feel obligated to go out with someone because both of you are single Goths who know each other. You may scoff, Snarklings, but the Lady of the Manners has seen that exact thing happen with alarming regularity.

Do not accept dates merely to make former loves jealous or to distract yourself from current heartbreak. Yes, it is quite heady, while you are wallowing in the despair, to realize that someone (possibly new, possibly an old friend) finds you romantically enticing; letting that realization lead you into situations you may not yet be emotionally ready for, however, is asking for trouble.

Honestly, none of this is very difficult. In fact, it all boils down to that wonderful age-old standard: how would you feel if someone did this to you? The Lady of the Manners is frequently surprised by how many people (of all ages, though it is especially common amongst the younger set) don't think of their actions in that light because it's so simple. Of course, people have to be honest about their own behavior and think about how it might impact others, which is often tricky. Most people (whether they'll admit it or not) lean toward self-absorption, so thinking about how their actions will make others feel is a bit of a leap. There's also the sticky problem that no one likes to be the “bad guy”…if you don't think about someone else's reactions, then you won't have to suffer the stomach-churning feeling that you have done something wrong or unkind.

The other important thing is to be completely honest with yourself about your motives. Are you interacting with people to boost your self-image, to distract yourself from an unpleasant situ
ation, or just because you're bored? There's nothing really wrong with any of those motivations, but try to remember that others may attribute vastly different motives to your behavior.

It's wonderful when dates go well and blossom into a relationship. You're happy, the object of your affection is (presumably) happy, so everyone you know should be happy, right? Oh, your friends probably are happy for you…unless, of course, your newfound relationship is the only thing occupying your thoughts and conversations. Or, even worse, if your newfound relationship is so all-encompassing that you've abandoned all other social interactions and given your friends the impression that you've dropped off the face of the planet. Don't shake your heads at the Lady of the Manners like that and say you'd never do such a thing; she's seen it happen
far
too many times before.

It's understandable why such behavior happens, of course. New infatuation, love, or lust is a powerful thing, and they make your brain chemicals go all hippity-skippity. It's not as if you really mean to ignore your friends or talk only about the object of your affection. And if your friends are honest with themselves, they've probably been guilty of the same behavior at one time or another. (The Lady of the Manners will take a brief moment here to reflect upon her younger self, cover her eyes, and mutter, “What was I
thinking
?!”)

But try to be self-aware enough to realize that you need to spend time with people other than your beloved and that you absolutely need to find other topics of conversation, if for no other reason than you'll have new ideas and stories to share with your romantic partner. There are, of course, swarms of other important reasons not to cut yourself off from all other social interaction, such as the notion that your friends are just as important to your mental and emotional health as your beloved is, that ignoring ev
eryone and everything when you have a new relationship is just a wee bit self-centered, and that making one person the focus of nearly everything you say and do isn't healthy.

“But why are you with
him/her
?!”

Many people believe that Goths should only become romantically involved with other Goths and that you shouldn't get involved with a person who doesn't share your every interest and match your wardrobe. But wait! Can a Goth find happiness in giving his or her heart to someone outside the spooky and black-clad throng?

Of course! There is no rule that Goths must date other Goths. The
Goth Cabal
(which
still
doesn't exist) has not issued any such statement and never will. Now, the Lady of the Manners understands why people might think that Goths shouldn't date (or marry) outside of the scene; after all, people are often attracted to others whose interests they share. But someone liking the exact same things you do is no guarantee of romantic happiness. The Lady of the Manners really does believe that relationships are stronger when each partner has interests outside the relationship. Maintaining a separate identity is not only healthier, but it also gives partners much more to talk about when they are together.