Gothic Charm School (19 page)

This doesn't mean acting like you are perfectly happy and everything is wonderful. This means trying not to burst into fits of weeping or rage at the local club, out at a restaurant, or at work. And the best reason for putting the effort into doing this? Word of how you're behaving will get back to your ex-beloved.
Imagine what will go through your former flame's mind; you seem to be okay with the breakup. Were you about to end the relationship anyway? Maybe you are secretly glad not to be involved any longer…

Thus, you've planted a worm of doubt in your former lover's mind, a nice, subtle piece of revenge for you. (The best revenge is to live a happy life after the breakup and go on to do things you want to. Trust the Lady of the Manners about this, for she knows of what she speaks.)

Do not turn up where you know your ex will be so you can show him how miserable you are. Do not torment yourself with, “What could I have done to make her stay?” Do not constantly ask mutual friends how your lost love is doing and if he is with someone else. Do not call and hang up when your ex answers, and for goodness' sake, do not send strange, stalker-esque letters, postcards, or e-mail. Even anonymously, even years after the breakup. Your ex may still figure out the mail is from you and just pity your inability to let go.

What if you're the person who initiated the breakup? Oh, there are some things you need to be aware of too; don't think you're getting away scot-free.

First, do the breaking up in person. No, breaking up with someone over the phone, via e-mail, LiveJournal, Facebook, MySpace, or in an instant message conversation is
not acceptable
. No, really. If you are ending a romantic entanglement, you owe the other person the courtesy of doing so face to face. The
only
reason for not doing so is if you are worried for your physical safety; even then, the Lady of the Manners suggests that you still have the breakup talk in person. But! Make sure the talk takes place in a well-lit public place and that you have a few friends nearby. (They should not, the Lady of the Manners
must stress, be hovering over you as obvious backup, but do make sure your friends have a clear view of where you are and what is going on, just in case something goes very badly.)

After the first talk where you actually break up with the other person, don't give in to any impulses to talk things over. You're not helping; you're just making things more painful. Even if you mean the old cliché, “I want us to stay friends,” leave your now-ex beloved alone for a while. He needs time to get over the hurt and the understandable urge to scream and rant, if not throw objects, at you. If you run into your ex in public, be cordial and polite. Do not ask, “How are you doing?” She is miserable, it's your fault (even if you did it for the best of reasons), and she probably doesn't want to talk to you. Honor that feeling, and leave her alone.

As the person who broke things off, you don't get to make snide comments. No matter how silly or overly dramatic you think your ex-beloved is being, you don't get to make hurtful comments about it or grumble in the presence of anyone who might relay your feelings to your ex. Privately, you can cast aspersions on the behavior or mock new love interests, but publicly you have to be polite. Remember, the ever-present gossip network in the Goth scene really
is
ever-present, and things have a way of being repeated to people you would rather not have hear them.

If you harbor doubts about whether you should have broken up with the person in the first place, don't mention them. You acted on your decision; let things lie for a bit before you go trying to re-open negotiations. If you were unsure about breaking up, you shouldn't have done it.

The Lady of the Manners is not going to say that there is a true love out there for everyone. Some people just aren't destined to live happily ever after with a partner. But that doesn't mean that they can't live happily ever after by themselves! That also doesn't mean
you should stop trying or wall yourself off from the possibility of romance. When the Lady of the Manners thinks back over some of her more disastrous relationships, she doesn't regret them because eventually they led her to where she is today. Of course, the Lady of the Manners wishes that some of them weren't quite the horror stories they ended up being, but you live and learn. And in some cases, smile in a quietly superior manner when you run into a past love and realize you're better off. That's the end result you're aiming for.

The mobbing of the newly single in the Goth scene is something that the Lady of the Manners has seen happen time and time again. She's not sure what causes it since she knows that individuals are capable of chatting up someone they're attracted to without behaving as if their brains have dribbled out their ears, but as soon as someone in the Goth scene is newly freed from romantic attachments, the feeding frenzy starts. Guess what? The person at the center of the feeding frenzy is probably feeling very uncomfortable. While it's nice to feel wanted, and the ego-boost from the attention is a lovely thing, becoming the target of that sort of attention so soon after a breakup is disconcerting.

Not to mention it encourages the impression that members of the Goth scene have some sort of checklist of people to date, which isn't the most flattering reason to be flirted with. (The Lady of the Manners is sad to report she has even heard someone say, “Just put me on the list for when you get around to dating again,” which has to be a new low in flirting.) If the object of your affection is newly single, it's best to take a restrained approach to flirting. And don't get all huffy if she doesn't even want to consider dating for a while. You may be a marvelous catch, but how can your crush possibly tell you apart from all the other people besieging her on all sides who firmly believe that
they
are marvelous catches? Don't spout
any twaddle at the Lady of the Manners about needing to “strike while the iron is hot” or other such nonsense either. If you are genuinely interested in this newly single person, waiting until he feels comfortable with dating again shouldn't be a hardship. Chasing after someone the instant he becomes single does have a faint air of a short attention span to it, as if your affections might wander the instant the next glorious creature of the night becomes free of romantic entanglements.

Goth weddings (both weddings for Goths and Goths attending “normal” weddings)

While Goths have weddings at all times of the year, October tends to be the month when gothy (and even non-gothy) couples get married. And before any of you start making offhand remarks about what a cliché it is, Goths getting married on Halloween, hee, hee, hee, oh, how spooky, etc., be aware you're chortling at the Lady of the Manners's own wedding anniversary, and it's no more of a cliché than other couples getting married in June (Midsummer anyone?). It really isn't—in fact, there isn't time of year for a wedding that doesn't have some sort of clichéd stigma. The Lady of the Manners is going to stop herself before she wanders down that tangent much further and get back to the topic at hand. Yes, there are weddings in October, gothy-and non-gothy-themed weddings, each of which has its own set of unique etiquette concerns.

Oh, look—your oh-so-spooky self has been invited to a wedding! By a couple who aren't gothy in the slightest but are still your friends. Of course you're going to attend, but there are just a few things you need to keep in mind:

Sure, you can wear black, but this is not the time to wear the PVC trousers or dress. Velvet, silk, a well-cut suit—anything that shows you put a little thought into your appearance but doesn't sartorially scream, “Hey! I'm a freak!” You also should avoid layers and layers of swirly eyeliner, overtly white face makeup, or black lipstick. Anything that's just a touch too dressy or gothic to wear to a job interview would be your best bet.

Relatives of the bride and groom will always come over to talk to you about how unusually you're dressed. Even if you think you aren't. Expect it to happen, and have some friendly and polite responses ready. That way, when great-grandma Smithers comes
over to you and, in the tone of someone relaying an important secret, comments, “You're wearing black,” don't stand there blinking in surprised irritation.

For that matter, be prepared to make polite chitchat with the other guests. You were invited because the couple wanted you there, so behave yourself out of respect for them. Don't bring up controversial subjects, don't get drunk because you're “so bored with these people,” and don't think because you're the “token freak” that you need to act outrageously.

But wait! Morticia and Gomez are getting married, and you've been invited! No problem, it'll be just like a private party at a fabulous Goth club! Well, yes, kind of. Most wedding invites state a dress code: formal, black tie, dressy casual (which the Lady of the Manners feels is a mild form of cowardice—make the guests dress up!), costumes, and so on. If the invitation isn't clear, then ask the bride or groom. Who knows, maybe they'll answer, “Oh, we were hoping you'd wear that one outfit of yours…” and all your sartorial problems will be solved.

Now, even at super-gothy weddings, there will most likely be relatives who, while they love “the kids” and are happy to be attending the wedding, still don't quite get this whole black-clad, every-day-is-Halloween lifestyle. Don't tease them. Don't make fun of them, don't say things just to wind them up, and do not ignore them and pretend they don't exist. Answer any questions they may ask you in (again) a polite and friendly manner, even if they are questions or comments you've heard a billion times: “Are you a witch?” “So you think you're a vampire?” “Your hair is purple.” “Is that your natural color?” “Do you dress like this all the time?” Do not roll your eyes or be condescending, even if you have heard it all before; the people asking you haven't, and they genuinely want to know. If they start asking you questions
such as, “But why is she getting married in a red velvet dress?” or “Why are there bats on everything?” then tactfully suggest they ask the bride and groom.

What if you are the bride or groom, planning your Addams Family spooktacular wedding? It's your special day, darn it, and you should be allowed to do whatever makes you happy, right? Well…within reason. Are you paying for the wedding by yourself? If so, you're free to indulge every little black-glitter-embellished whim you can afford. If family members are helping with the costs, thank them profusely, pay even more attention to the budget, and do not try to wheedle more money out of them so you can do something even more elaborate.

Another thing to keep in mind is that while your respective immediate families may be used to your gothiness and won't even raise an eyebrow when you select a skeletal couple as a wedding cake topper, you still may have to have The Conversation with them. The Conversation might cover subjects such as “Yes, we do think purple, black, and silver are appropriate colors for our wedding,” “No, we aren't going to ask Wednesday to dye her hair a ‘natural' color for the wedding,” “No, Grandma doesn't have to wear all black”…You get the idea. No matter how accepting your families are about the way you live your life, most parents (and grandparents, aunts, and uncles) have been secretly clinging to the idea that you will have a “normal” wedding—in a church, the bride in white, everything straight out of a wedding magazine. You have to let them down gently without upsetting them. If you're lucky, the family members in question will jokingly refer to their cherished little hopes themselves, with a comment that they always knew you'd do things in your own unique way.

Ultimately, weddings should be about two people making a
commitment to one another and celebrating that commitment with their loved ones. A big elaborate dress, a huge reception, eight velvet-clad bridesmaids—those are perks, and fun ones at that, but they aren't the important thing. If you (as someone planning the wedding or just attending) can keep that firmly in mind, everything should go smoothly.