Guarded Hearts (22 page)

“Isn’t this nice? The happy couple came for a visit,” I say with no emotion as I near the door that Kylie is blocking with her body.

Everyone stops what they are doing as they look up to see me coming down the stairs. The looks of shock and pity pass through their eyes as they take me in. Yeah, take in what you have done to me.

“To what do I owe the pleasure of this visit?” I ask over Kylie’s shoulder. “Let them in, Kylie. Let’s see what excuses they have to say. Not that they will matter, but I am feeling charitable today.” Maybe I need to hear what they have to say to be able to move on, to pass to the next level of my grieving process, because I am tired of crying of feeling like this.

“You don’t owe them any of your time, Olivia, or to hear any of their excuses,” Kylie states, still trying to protect me. I push her out of the way and motion Mandy and Nix to follow me to the office. We need to have this out. They have been silent since I came downstairs, but I could feel Nix’s eyes on me, my body humming, coming alive with his nearness. I walk into my office, motioning them inside, and I close the door. This is my business only.

“So you guys were screaming my name, wanting to talk, so go ahead talk. Give me all the excuses you can think of so we can end this and never see each other again. I can finally move on. Come on, make me understand how you can throw away years of friendship for a guy, Mandy. Fuck, come on talk!” I yell at her. The rage is coming out again. I can’t seem to simmer it down; it’s clawing its way out. As I wait for Mandy to talk I take in her appearance. She looks exactly like I do, lost and broken. But I’m not feeling sorry for her. She did this, they did this.

“O, we want to tell you…”

I stop Nix from talking with a move of my hand as I glare in his direction. “I was not talking to you Phoenix Ryan Jackson,” I emphasize his last name, something else I’m pissed at him for. He knew I was looking for an in to a top law firm to internship, and he ends up as the son of one of not only a top lawyer, but his father is running for Supreme Court judge. I understand him not wanting to share more about the night Sky died, but him not talking to me about his family. I told him about my mother and part of my past, but I got nothing from him.

“Livi, I am so sorry for my actions and the hurt they have caused you,” Mandy says in a barely audible voice.

“How long?” I question.

They both look at me like they don’t understand what I’m asking.

“How long have you two been fucking behind my back?” I yell, slamming my hand on the desk. I hear Mandy whimper and Nix looks hurt that I would ask that. Now I’m the bad guy, seriously.

“We never betrayed you, Livi. We can’t remember what happened that night, we were both drunk. We can’t even recall even getting to the apartment.”

“Do you really think I’m that stupid? Mandy, you hardly touch alcohol, and Nix doesn’t even drink. Or is that another lie? Don’t patronize me and just tell me the truth,” I demand. I am getting tired of asking the same fucking questions
. Dios mio,
give me patience.

“Olivia, that’s what happened. We just took a shot of tequila with Taylor to celebrate her just doing the show. And yes, I might have had some more because I was upset about you and Sky’s anniversary. I swear I didn’t drink that much, but I remember feeling drunk and weird, and then the next thing I know, you were running away from me crying the next morning,” Nix explains.

“How many excuses can you blame on alcohol? My mother used that excuse very time she hit me or locked me in a room for the night, so don’t bullshit me, Nix. At some level you knew what you were doing. Both of you.” I can’t believe people that hurt me will blame everything on being wasted, like that excuses the destruction they leave in their wake.

“We would never hurt you on purpose, we both love you. We both know the hurt and pain you have suffered in the past. We would never hurt you,” Mandy sobs.

“But you did, can’t you see that? You both accomplished what years of abuse at the hands of my mother never did; you took my light. You broke me,” I sob at them. I turn my back on them, hating that they can see my tears.

“Olivia, you came into my life and shone that light back into it. I was scared of caring for someone else, and hurting them again. The times I spent with you were the best times of my life even counting the times I spent with Sky. I fell in love with you, O.”

“No, you don’t get to say that to me,” I interrupt him as I turn back towards them.

“I am in love with you and it hurts my heart seeing you like this and knowing that I caused this,” he declares, emotion coloring his voice. “But we have something else to tell you and we wanted, no,
needed
it to come from us before you hear it from someone else on campus. You have to realize that we never wanted to hurt you, Livi. If you look closely you will see that, because you knew us both, and you are the only one that truly knows us.” He moves closer to Mandy and takes her hand in his to comfort her since she is crying harder as we stand here. She gets that comfort when I get nothing.

“Mandy, do you want me to tell her or do you want to?” Nix asks her with concern in his voice. She clears her throat and looks at him with hurt and pain.

“I will. Livi, do you remember the first time we met? We were around four years old, and you were playing outside with a stick in the dirt. I walked up to your yard to see if you wanted to play dolls with me, and you looked like you had no idea what I was talking about. Remember what you asked? ‘
What are dolls
?’ And then I looked at you the same way. Like I had no idea what kind of question that was.

“I told you that they were fake babies, because we were girls and we had to learn to practice so when we grew up we would know how to take care of real babies, and then you said, ‘
my mommy never played with dolls then because she doesn’t know how to take care of her real baby
.’ But you still walked back to my yard and I showed you how to play. I had no idea what to do with you, but I promised I was going to help you learn how to play. And we hung out every day after that. We grew up together, protecting each other from bullies and our own thoughts. You became my sister that day. You looked so lost, and in my four year old mind I wanted to be your fairy Godmother, even when I didn’t understand the extent of your pain, but I wanted to protect you. I didn’t know until later what your mother did to you, even when you didn’t talk about it. You became so closed off with everyone, so cold that nothing scared or fazed you, and I felt lucky to be the only one you trusted. Then we came here and met all these different people, but I still was your best friend, you made me join this sorority with you, so we wouldn’t be apart. Then one day I saw the light in your eyes grow and I knew you that you had fallen in love, that I was getting replaced in your heart. And when I learned it was Nix I was happy for both of you. I am telling you this because as Nix mentioned what happened that night was something we both didn’t want to happen. We don’t know why it happened. But we can’t change the past any more than I could change your home life back then, because that is all I would always pray for, for you to have a better mother, a better life full of love. I never meant to hurt you. We know that you will never believe that. I can see the light has gone from your eyes and it tears me apart knowing that I caused it. I love you, Livi.”

She stops and takes a deep breath like she needs the strength to continue, she squeezes Nix’s hand. “Olivia…Livi, I’m pregnant.” She lets out a sob.

I think I just died a thousand deaths. I wonder if this is what death feels like because this just killed me. I buckle and reach out to balance myself with the desk. I see Nix move towards me. “Don’t you fucking touch me,” I growl at him

How could this have happen, my life was as perfect as it could be. I look at Mandy like a stranger.

“Get the fuck out of my house, you fucking slut,” I yell at her. She turns and flees the office, and I could hear her cries as she leaves the room. I can’t breathe, the oppression I felt earlier exploding inside my body. I clutch my chest willing myself to breathe.

“O, just breathe, baby, slow and steady. I think you are having a panic attack,” Nix says softly. He is kneeling in front of me. I didn’t even realize that he had moved. Him just been here seems to calm me, but he won’t be here anymore.

“Livi, I love you, and I know we can make it work. Mandy and I aren’t even together, and we can raise the child together, all three of us, if you can just forgive us and move on. We are still trying to piece together what happened that night. Just say that you can forgive us. We didn’t want to hurt you. I know you need time to make sense of all of this and see that we are telling you the truth. We were not cheating on you. Please say something, Livi. I can’t. I won’t lose you too.” He is crying on my lap.

“Just go,” I tell him. I feel like a zombie. I can feel the armor getting back together piece by cold piece around the ashes of my heart.

“Olivia, you are killing me. Please say you will think about it, about us,” he begs.

“No, Nix, you got it wrong. If I remember correctly, I’m not the murderer here,” I tell him with my voice laced with anger.

I feel him retreat, falling on his ass on the floor as the blood leaves his face. I regret what I just said, but I don’t take it back. I need him to hurt like I hurt. I need him to feel the pain. I need that to help me get through my life. He wants us to live like a happy family. Yeah, I don’t share well.

He gets up and walks out in silence, hurt and pain written all over his face. I know he will never forgive me for what I just said, but then again I don’t need it. Nix and Mandy are a closed subject in my life. Now I know why my mother hated me so much, because I hate that unborn child just the same or even more. It finished killing what was left of me.

S
ince the day Olivia ran out of the apartment, I went to her house without fail every day, begging for a chance to see her to explain, but her sorority sisters refused to let me pass through the door. They even called campus police on me several times. They turn me away every time. The need to see her became my sole purpose the first few weeks. I hardly slept and ate, trying to make sure I didn’t miss her, but it was like she disappeared from campus. I had a one track mind when it came to Olivia, to have her forgive me, us. She just had too. I couldn’t believe that this was it. I was not going to retreat back into the darkness like I did when Sky died. Olivia is too important; she is everything, my light. I can’t lose her. It’s been a week since I last saw Olivia, when she implied I was a murderer.

I felt hurt and rage, so I left before I did something I would regret. After the fog cleared, I know she didn’t mean it. I could recall seeing the regret in her eyes as the words came out. She was simply lashing out in her anguish. Hurt that I caused again, but I can’t erase her hurt or her pain.

I still can’t believe what happened. I have no recollection of anything that happened that night. There is no blur or fragments, pieces that can help us understand how we ended up in my bed. There is just darkness, which seems fitting because that is what this last month felt like: misery, pain and darkness, Hurt by Johnny Cash playing on my iPod.

I feel broken. How easy would be just to give into the pain, but there is a little soul that will need me, broken or not. And I vow I will be the best father I can be, since I am not a good friend or boyfriend.

Mandy moved in with me since the day Olivia kicked her out. She took the room that was for Sky if things had been different. I worried about her the first few weeks with the late night crying and the vomiting. I was so scared that she was falling into a depression. O was her only family here, and they have been inseparable since they were young. After weeks of not being able to keep anything down, I decided enough was enough and I took her to the campus health clinic to see what was wrong, and there they gave us the news that shook our already broken world. I tried to comfort her, but my foremost thought was Olivia and how she was going to react to this news. I felt like such a douche. Here I was hugging a girl that was pregnant and scared, and I was wishing that it was Olivia. How my life could have changed so much since the beginning of the year, I had no idea. I was a loner, now I had an ex-girlfriend, a baby on the way, and a house guest. Sky, my brother, I keep fucking up.