Heartfire (25 page)

Max had heard Tessa's murmured "I love you" when they'd almost made love in the driveway.  And as he suspected, it had been uttered in the throes of passion.  That kind of love wasn't enough.  He'd been right to pull back.  Just two more days to go and she'd be gone.  The emptiness in his heart rivaled the emptiness in his soul.

***

While Ryan rushed to find Max, Tessa took off her coat and found a scrap of paper on the kitchen counter with the scrawled message, "Call Vandemeer.  He'll be available tonight."

She'd been so distracted lately she'd forgotten to charge her phone.  So she'd left it behind when she and Ryan had left for their shopping excursion.  Apparently Vandemeer had called here as well as her cell.  She hadn't called him back yet because she wasn't sure what to do!  Did Max now know about the job offer?  Had Vandemeer himself talked to Max or had he left a message?  If Max knew—

She went to her room and tapped in Vandemeer's number so she'd know where she stood before she approached Max.

"Vandemeer, here, " he said, answering his cell phone.

 "Mr. Vandemeer, it's Tessa Kahill.  I received your  message."

"I know it was probably overkill but I left a message at both numbers so I'd be sure you'd receive it.  Some people call me compulsive, but that's how I make deals others don't.  Are you still considering the position with us?"

"I am."

"Good.  To make it more difficult to turn down, I'm going to e-mail you material you might want to read before you make your decision.  In fact I'd like your input on all of it."

"What if I decide not to take the job?"

"I'd still like your input.  Is that a problem?"

"No, I suppose not."

"Can you come by tomorrow around one to meet a few people I've already hired on?"

"Do you think my meeting them will convince me to take the position?"

He chuckled.  "I can hope.  The more interested and involved you become, the more I'm hoping you'll be convinced this job is the right career move for you."

"I appreciate your candor," she said, liking the man more each time she spoke with him.  "I'll see you tomorrow."

Tessa clicked off the phone.  As she'd suspected, Vandemeer had left a message at the house.  So if Max knew about the job, maybe he'd realize she was willing to change the direction of her career.  Maybe it would make a difference.

She went downstairs and following the sound of Ryan's voice, she realized he was in Max's bedroom.  The door was half way open.  She peered around the door and saw Ryan beside Max on the bed, still wearing his coat.  His head was bowed as Max gestured to something across his knees.  It was a photo album.

Max pointed to a picture.  "And that's your mother baking your first birthday cake."

Ryan hunched over the pictures as if by getting very close, he'd remember Leslie better.    Slowly and silently, Tessa backed into the hall, upset, hurting, afraid to interrupt the private moments between father and son.  Apparently Max had been paging through the album when Ryan went in.

It was obvious that Max was still grieving.  He still loved Leslie more than he could love a woman in his present.  That's why he couldn't ask her to stay.  He was still too wrapped up in the past.  She didn't mean enough to Max for him to ask her to spend her life with him.

Maybe this was a payback for her leaving him nine years ago.  Maybe this was a sign that her fragile dream of roots and a home could never come to be.  The pain welling up inside of her was much too familiar.  But this time, unlike so many before, she let the tears fall and she climbed the steps to the guest room to get her notes together for the Summit.  That was all she had left.

***

Saturday morning the suitcase sat open on Tessa's bed.  It wasn't as though she had a lot to pack.  Folding a sweatshirt, she laid it in neatly.

A small rap sounded on the door.

"Come in."

Ryan pushed the door, and it swung open with a creak.  He looked as if she were going away forever, with his long face and sad eyes.  She wished she could change things for both of them.

Crossing to the bed, he held out his red Ferrari.  "I want you to take it with you again so you don't forget me."

She'd returned the car to him after her trip to California.  "I'll never forget you, pancake.  But I'll take it if you want me to."  He nodded, and she wished she could pack him in her suitcase and take him with her.

"You're not gonna live here anymore, are you?"

"No.  But I promise I'll come back and visit as I always have."

His expression told her that wasn't much comfort.  Maybe he needed something tangible to hold onto, too.  She pulled her chain out from under her sweater—the chain she hadn't removed since Max had clasped it around her neck.  Holding the ring, she slid the chain through it, put it on her pinkie and reattached the chain.

Sure she was doing the right thing, she crooked her finger at Ryan and perched on the bed.  He came over with questions in his brown eyes that were the same dark shade as his father's.  Taking his hand, she opened his small fingers and set the circle of gold in his palm.  "This was my mother's.  It's the only thing I have of hers and it's
very
important to me.  I want you to keep it someplace safe so you'll know I
will
be back.  I won't forget about you.  And if ever you and your dad need me..."  That had just slipped out, but she meant it.  "All you have to do is call."

"Across the ocean?"

"If it's very important, you can call across the ocean.  Your dad has my numbers."

Ryan threw his arms around her, the ring closed tightly in his hand.  "I love you, Tessa."

"I love you, too, honey."  She blinked back tears, not wanting Ryan to see how upset she was.  By tomorrow at this time, she'd be on a plane to Norway and Max's and Ryan's lives would return to normal.  That would be best for Ryan.

Remembering that the next afternoon, she said her final goodbye to the eight-year-old who she'd come to love so deeply.  He stood in the kitchen looking out the window as Max carried her bag and computer to the car.  Always the gentleman.

As she stood at the edge of the driveway with Max after he'd set her luggage in the trunk and closed it, she felt she had to take one final stab at a chance for a future with him.  "Do you want me to come back for Thanksgiving?"

Something hot and dark and hungry flickered in his eyes for the briefest moment.  Then it was gone.  "That's up to you."

So much for that last chance.  "I'll let you know," she murmured.  Thinking about whether she should or shouldn't consider it hurt too much right now.

Walking away from Max was the hardest thing she'd ever done.  But she did it.  She opened the door to the driver's side.  "Take care of yourself, Max.  And Ryan."

She didn't wait for his response.  She couldn't or her tears would blind her.

***

The Monday before Thanksgiving, Max went into Ryan's room to put his son's clean clothes away.  Ryan was sitting on the floor by his bed, a shoebox between his legs.  Max knew his son kept his treasures in that box—a six inch long feather he'd found in the park, rocks of all shapes and sizes that had grabbed his attention for one reason or another, a few baseball cards, a cats-eye marble that had belonged to Max.  But in his hand now, something gold and round glittered.

Max shoved Ryan's socks in a drawer.  "What is that, slugger?"

Ryan closed his hand around the object, reminding Max of Tessa's protective gesture when...

Max walked over to Ryan slowly.  Tessa had been on his mind even when he was teaching.  She'd been gone over a week.  He couldn't sleep.  He didn't care if he ate.  If it weren't for Ryan...

He sat on the floor beside his son.  "Can I see it?"

Ryan opened his hand.  "Tessa gave it to me."

Max's heart raced.  "When?"

"Before she left."

Max gently rubbed his thumb over a fiery opal.  "It's very special to her."

"She told me it was her mommy's.  She gave it to me so I know she'll be back."

"But maybe not very soon," Max murmured.

"Dad, did you ask Tessa to stay?"

A sharp pain stabbed Max's heart.  "She couldn't stay, Ryan.  She has a job to do."  He'd seen Tessa on the news last evening in Oslo, reporting the first word on negotiations there.  His heart had hurt yet he'd watched every bit of it until she'd vanished from the screen.

"But did you
ask
her?" Ryan pressed insistently.

Max turned the ring over in his hand.  "No, I didn't."

"But, Dad, she'd stay if you'd ask her.  She'd live with us.  I
know
she would."

"Ryan..."

"She said if you or me need her, she'll come.  She said it.  And we need her, don't we?"

Was it as simple as Ryan made it sound? 
If
he had asked Tessa to stay, would she have stayed?

"Don't we, Dad?"

With increasing clarity, Max realized his son was right.  They did need her.  "Yes, we do."

"She said if it was
really
important, we could call her 'cross the ocean.  Honest."  Ryan made a cross over his heart.

"I believe you.  But I have a lot of things to think about first.  Do you mind if I hold on to Tessa's ring for tonight?  I promise I'll be very careful with it, and I'll give it back to you tomorrow."

"Will it help you think?"

"It might."

***

Hours later, Max stared at the circle of gold as the bedside lamp made it glow.  The turmoil he'd felt earlier had been nothing compared to now.  He loved Tessa.  He loved her so much, every part of him ached for her.  And he'd let her walk out of his life.

He'd been an absolute fool!

He'd been so caught up in his own wants and needs, he hadn't seen hers.  With a childhood like Tessa's, she needed reassurance.  She needed a hand held out to her.  Before she could commit herself, she needed the sure knowledge that he loved her.  He mentally kicked himself again for being so self absorbed that he'd been deaf and blind to all the signs.

She'd proven her love over and over again every day she'd been with them.  He could see her love for Ryan so clearly.  But he'd been afraid to see it for himself.  She had even said she loved him.  Dismissing it as passion talking, he'd ignored it.  Now he realized Tessa never said anything she didn't mean.  But he'd been afraid to hear those words probably as much as she'd been afraid to say them.  Because he feared love wasn't enough.  Because he was afraid she'd leave him again as she had nine years ago.

Tessa was afraid of being abandoned, being rejected yet another time.  So was he.  Because of her leaving before, because of Leslie's death, he, too, was afraid of being abandoned.  He just hadn't wanted to admit it.  As he'd studied the pictures in the photo album, he'd realized he'd looked on Leslie's death as a betrayal.  He'd been angry at Tessa for leaving.  He'd been angry with Leslie for leaving.