Heart's Desire (20 page)

She turned in his arms and put her hands against his chest, but her eyes focused on her hands instead of his face. “Please, don't.”

His hands held her waist, refusing to let her go. “Would it make a difference if I wasn't leaving?”

Jessie's lashes fluttered as she looked up at him, as if trying to determine his sincerity. “But you will. If not this week, later.” She ducked under his arm and scooted away from him. He saw the resignation in her eyes. “I can't do this again, Nathan. When you left last time, you took a part of me with you. A piece I've never retrieved.”

Her admission surprised him. He leaned a hip against the counter and crossed his arms, waiting for her to say more. When she didn't, he shook his head. “I know why I didn't call, Jess. But why didn't you?”

“Me?” She backed away. “If you want a girl who'll beg you to stay, you're barking up the wrong tree. I wasn't going to be the summer fling that chased you when you wanted to disappear.” She shook her head. “When you didn't call, I knew exactly what I'd meant to you.”

“I could say that same thing.”

Anger flared in her eyes and she clenched her jaw, pointing a finger at him. “Don't you dare. You were—”

“What, Jess?” Nathan held her wrist and pulled her back into his arms. “I was what?”

She looked away, refusing to meet his gaze. “Nothing.”

Nathan held her chin between his thumb and finger. “Well, let me break down the situation then, since you won't. I was your first.” Her eyes widened and she licked her lips, pressing them together. “Did you think I didn't know? I know you, Jess. I know what kind of woman you were and the kind of woman you still are.”

“Nathan, stop.”

“You were—
are
—different than any woman I've ever known. You aggravate me and confuse me, but you also excite me and make me feel things like no one else. There's something between us, there always has been.”

“Whatever this attraction between us is, it's going nowhere. We're too different, worlds apart. You're smart and kind and attractive, but I know
you
, Nathan. You will wither out here. Don't you remember how antsy you were to leave?” She moved away from him, starting toward the door.

She had no idea his desire to leave had been due to his father's demanding phone calls and the increasing threats. He wasn't going to let anything, or anyone, come between them this time.

She sighed. “It's just part of who you are.”

“Then I guess that leaves me with two options.”

She spun back toward him, her braid whipping around. “No, that leaves no options.” She raised a hand as if she was trying to ward off any argument.

He reached for her hand and pulled her to him again, continuing as if he hadn't heard her protests. “One, I can prove to you that we have several things in common. Like that you are also intelligent, and kind. Not to mention that I find you incredibly attractive.”

Nathan could read the desire in her eyes and wound his arm around her waist, wanting her to feel his body respond to her nearness. “For the record, I didn't get antsy to leave. I was catching hell from someone who shouldn't have mattered.” He tipped her chin up, forcing her to meet his gaze. He could see the fear there.

Her blue eyes clouded. “What's option two?” she whispered.

Nathan laughed. “Are you sure you want to know? Because it involves me carrying you back up to your room and proving to you that our differences don't matter. Why do you keep fighting, Jess? Why can't you just accept that maybe, just maybe, this isn't something that I'm just going to turn my back on a second time? I made that mistake once; I won't do it again.”

She slipped out of his arms again. This time her eyes were somber and wistful. “Because right now, this is a novelty, Nathan. I've seen enough people come here for a taste of being a cowboy and it always fades. What happens when you decide staying was a mistake? That you miss your old life? Where will that leave me? Brokenhearted and alone. I won't be anyone's booty call.” She walked out the back door, leaving him staring after her yet again.

J
ESSIE WAS GRATEFUL
for the teens' presence and the turmoil they brought. Planning activities for them didn't afford her the luxury of breaking down the way she wanted to. She took a deep breath, straightened her shoulders, and hurried back to the pool where they waited for her next instructions. She was supposed to send them on a scavenger hunt with Mitch and Clint, but if they left, she'd be alone with her thoughts and the realization that she'd just confessed to Nathan how she felt about him, how she'd always felt about him.

She hadn't meant for the words to slip from her tongue. Once again, her mouth had overrun her good sense and gotten her into trouble.

“Jessie, we're ready.” Susanne, Pastor Steve's wife, approached. “Did you find what you were looking for?” Jessie had forgotten she'd told the woman she was going in search of pens and paper. “Are you okay? You look a bit . . . unsettled,” she finished, searching for the word.

Jessie looked back toward the house, knowing there was no way she was going to go back inside for paper or pens and risk running into Nathan again. Her heart couldn't take that now. “I'm fine, but I couldn't find enough of them,” she said, feeling guilty for lying.

“That's okay, we'll manage with two teams. I can take the girls and Steve can take the boys.” She hurried to her purse, bringing back a small pad of paper and two pens. “Here.” She pressed the items into Jessie's hands. “You write down what they should find and I'll distract them a bit longer with a group discussion. But don't take too long, their attention span is about the same as a goldfish's,” she teased.

Jessie took the paper and sat at the bar, trying to list several items that the kids would have to work to find throughout the ranch, testing them on what she'd taught them so far. She'd barely listed ten when she looked up and saw Nathan standing on the back porch watching her. Her stomach did a quick flip. Maybe her confession would be just the thing to scare him away. It sure as hell scared her. She should have never agreed to let him come back.

At least Heart Fire would stay afloat. Nathan had figured out her financial troubles, at least temporarily, and convinced her to start taking in guests again, so the ranch should be able to get back to normal operations. If she could afford to hire at least a couple of people full-time again during the busy season, and if she continued to take in guests, the ranch should do okay, even though it wasn't what she wanted to do. It was enough to get Heart Fire back in the black and get her brother to back off. She wouldn't be able to work with the horses as often, and the chance to start a rescue would have to wait until . . . well, who really knew if she would ever be able to do it. She was only one person.

Instead of making her feel like she was making the mature decision, the thought left her cold. This melancholy turn of her thoughts was the last direction she wanted them to take and sitting here was giving her too much time to ponder her various mistakes. She threw the pen onto the counter. Twelve things would just have to be enough for the scavenger hunt. She pasted a smile on her lips and took the paper to Susanne while sending a quick text message to Mitch to bring Clint.

If she were smarter, she'd have asked Nathan to help organize this. This was something he'd have managed well and it would've gotten him far from her for a few hours at least. But she didn't want to ask him for anything, especially now. She glanced back at the door, ignoring the disappointment she felt when she saw he was gone.

It was better this way. This was the way it had to be.
Then, cowgirl up, and quit being a baby.

Jessie went back into the house and took the meat thawing in the refrigerator out, placing it into a giant mixing bowl. She washed her hands and walked into the pantry. This was what she did best, kept things running, kept the wheels turning, even at the expense of her own heart. She put the barbecue sauce container on the counter and went back to the refrigerator for the eggs and cheese. Justin should be here any minute to take the patties to the grill, and she wasn't even close to being ready.

Mixing the various ingredients in the bowl, she set the formed patties on an aluminum pan lined with wax paper. She tore another piece of wax paper from the roll and covered the patties, carrying them back to the refrigerator to wait for Justin. She washed her hands a second time and cleaned up her mess, wishing it was as easy to clean up the other messes she'd made in her life.

Tears stung her eyes. She was tired of doing this alone, of forgoing her wants and desires in order to please everyone else. This wasn't the plan she'd had for her life. Six months ago, she'd been preparing to finally start a rescue. She had had the full support of her father. Now, instead, she was running a dude ranch, alone, and destroying the legacy her parents had left behind. She felt her heart clench.

God, how she missed them. Even with the expectation and pressure she felt working with both of her parents, she knew her parents loved her. Trying to run the ranch without them felt like torture. It was just too much for her to bear.

Tears blurred her vision as she turned to put the eggs away, and she ran into a solid wall of muscle. She dropped the entire carton of eggs and cursed, squatting to reach for the broken pieces when Nathan held her shoulders, lifting her back to standing before burying his hands into her hair.

“Jess?” He tipped her face toward his, his lips a mere breath away.

“Please, don't. Not now.” She couldn't deal with the emotional turmoil raging within her and fight her desire for him as well.

Nathan stared at her for a moment before walking to the sink and grabbing the roll of paper towels. He squatted on the floor next to her and wiped up the mess. “Okay, I won't.”

He leaned forward and pressed a quick kiss to her forehead before standing to throw the wad of towels into the trash.

Her mouth dropped just as her phone rang, not giving her an opportunity to protest the kiss. “Hello?”

“Jess, I have an emergency at the clinic, so Bailey and I won't be there in time to do the barbecue. I'm really sorry,” Justin apologized.

She sighed into the phone. “Okay, I understand.”

And she did. The ranch wasn't Justin's responsibility, it was hers. She hung up the phone, tucking it back into her pocket.

Now what?

How was she supposed to cook dinner and entertain guests? There was just no way she could do this all by herself. This was just one more indication of what a failure she was at managing the ranch. Either of her parents would have had a backup plan. With both Clint and Mitch preparing for the ride to The Ridge the next day, she couldn't ask them to work late into the night because of her lack of planning. She glanced at Nathan.

She didn't want to ask him for help. Not only would it be admitting her failure in her business, but she'd already told him several times that she didn't need him and he should leave. How could she ask him to help her now?

“Trouble?” A frown furrowed his brow and he took a step toward her.

“Justin is hung up at the clinic.” She tried to hide her frustration. “It's not a big deal. I'll just have to rethink how to set up the campfire tonight since Bailey and Julia are both gone.”

“Why?” He moved to the refrigerator. “I can't teach guests how to ride or rope but I'm pretty sure I can manage to barbecue hamburgers.”

“But—”

“But nothing.” He took a step closer to her and kissed the tip of her nose. “I told you, I'm here to help.”

J
ESSIE LEANED AGAINST
the doorframe in the kitchen and watched as Nathan finished loading the last of the dishes into the dishwasher. He wiped his hands on the towel from the counter and turned, spotting her watching him.

“What's that look for?”

This man continued to confound her. After cooking nearly two dozen hamburgers on the grill, he'd helped her set the rest of the food out, poured sodas, served the kids chocolate cake and then insisted she stay with the group while he headed back inside to clean up. She hadn't expected a man like him, one accustomed to being served, to do so much to help her. If she'd misjudged him with something as simple as how helpful he might be with the barbecue, how else was she underestimating him? She cocked her head to the side, and a soft smile curved her lips as he came toward her.

Her fingers twitched, trying to control the urge to slip them into his thick, dark hair. It would be so easy to take the first step toward him, to let him know she wanted him for as long as he wanted to stay. She wanted to kiss him. But her feet remained rooted to the threshold, her head not allowing her heart that privilege.

He'll be gone in two days,
her logic reminded her.

But there was so much she would love to do with him in those two days, to let him do to her. And what if she asked him to stay?

“Jess, are you okay?” His hand came up and he let his thumb brush over her jaw. It was enough to jolt her back to the present.

“Yeah,” she said, moving to the pantry. “I think the kids are ready for s'mores.” She grabbed several boxes of graham crackers, chocolate bars, and bags of marshmallows. “Were you coming out to join everyone?”

“Do you want me to?”

“I think the kids really enjoyed you earlier.”

He gave her a smile, making that dimple crease his cheek, and sent her heart fluttering again. “That wasn't what I asked.”

Her heart pounded in her ears, her pulse rushing through her veins, and she wondered if he could hear it. He moved to block her exit from the pantry, filling the doorway and her senses. She caught her breath as his large hand curled around the side of the door and the tiny space filled with his unique scent. Jessie tried to ignore the shiver of longing that skittered up her spine and the heat that settled over her shoulders, causing goosebumps to rise on her flesh.

Why was he making this so difficult? On the other hand, what harm would it do to just admit that she did want to spend some time with him? She'd already admitted she had feelings for him.

“I . . . ” She had trouble getting her lips to form the words. Her mind searched for any reason she could find to be near him. “You did mention wanting to discuss an idea you had.”

A slow smile spread over his lips. “I did, didn't I?” He leaned toward her, and she could feel the heat radiating from him. Or maybe that was from her because of him. “Are you sure that's the only reason you want me there?”

She willed her feet to move and bid her tongue to come up with a witty retort. Instead, her body swayed toward him, and she wondered if he really had sucked all the oxygen from the small pantry.

“I'm sorry, I don't mean to interrupt anything but the kids are getting impatient.”

Susanne's voice shattered the spell he'd cast over her and replaced it with frustration. She had a job to do and it didn't include fantasizing about a guy who would forget her again as soon as his butt hit the cushy first-class seat on his flight.

“You didn't. We were just searching for these.” She brushed past him, trying to ignore the icy thrill as his hand moved over her back as she held up the bags of marshmallows before handing them to the Susanne. “I didn't mean to take so long.”

Jessie heard Nathan's throaty chuckle as he scooped up the box of crackers and followed her from the kitchen to the campfire. She needed to steel herself against her body's response whenever he was near, or she might as well smash her heart with a hammer now.