Heart's Desire (22 page)

“I'd like to do something nice for her tonight. To thank her for letting me stay.”

“Would you, now?” Justin arched a brow, pausing with his cup halfway to his mouth. “That'd better be the only reason.”

Nathan didn't meet his friend's gaze.

“Dude, please tell me you haven't gone and fallen for my sister. You're not her type, any more than she's yours.”

Nathan prayed Justin couldn't see the truth written clearly on his face. This wasn't the way to break it to him.

“Besides, I love ya, man, but I know your track record, and I've seen you on enough tabloids. You'll break my sister's heart, just like the rest of the women you date, and then I'll have to break your neck. She's not like one of your models.” Justin sat on the edge of the kitchen table.

“Jessie'd never fit in with your crowd. Remember how your parents reacted when they met me?” Justin rose and dumped his coffee down the drain before slapping Nathan's shoulder. “Besides, you don't stand a chance. Jess would never fall for a city boy. She needs someone to stay here. She'll never leave the ranch. This place is her soul.”

Nathan knew everything Justin was saying was true, but every point he made felt like a stake to Nathan's heart. Justin wasn't bringing up anything he hadn't thought of already, but he'd been so taken by the way she made him feel, that he'd pushed these things to the back of his mind. They were things they could deal with later.

But Justin was right. She wouldn't fit into his lifestyle of high-power dinners and yacht club soirees, nor would his family ever accept her. When his father had threatened to ruin Heart Fire, and Jessie, if he ever went back, he had known he had to cut ties with Jessie and Justin to protect them. Even now, if he wanted to, his father could raise enough red flags that it would be near impossible for Nathan to get Jessie the donors she was going to need to fund the ranch. It was better to keep his whereabouts quiet, at least for a little longer.

What was he thinking? Jessie deserved far better than a man who wanted to keep his relationship with her hidden, like she was a dirty secret. One who'd abandoned her at the first sign of a threat, even if he did believe he was doing the right thing. She deserved someone who adored her and wouldn't,
couldn't
, leave her side. Someone who would stand up for her, no matter how high the price. Someone who knew how to unload hay and saddle a horse. She needed someone who could do the chores around the ranch all day and love her throughout the night. And, even if he wanted to be, it wasn't the man he was.

Just the thought of another man holding Jessie in her bed, another man making her smile, sent an ache of emptiness through him. Jessie was his. He didn't even want to think about another man driving her wild, making her want to try to seduce him. He threw the eggshells down the drain and flipped on the disposal.

“You okay?” Justin gave his friend an odd look.

“I'm fine.” Nathan knew his voice belied his clipped words. He was pissed—at Justin, at his father but, more than anyone, at himself. “I just said I wanted to do something nice. Forget it.”

“Need any help?” Jessie sauntered into the room, her damp hair hung in waves around her face, and as she reached behind her to pull it back on her head. She hurried over to the griddle where he'd already started the first batch of pancakes. “Or are you trying to burn breakfast?”

Justin laughed and rinsed out his mug, leaving the cup in the sink. “I should have warned you not to let this guy cook,” he teased. “This rich kid's pretty much helpless unless he's counting money.”

Nathan frowned and clenched his jaw hard enough for it to hurt his temples. He knew Justin was joking, but he wasn't an imbecile, and he didn't like having his upbringing thrown in his face. That wasn't who he was either. He'd worked hard to shed that reputation, to prove himself as more than the son of a senator. More than a rich kid with a trust fund—because that trust fund had been a nonexistent illusion, a smoke screen for his father's criminal activities. Nathan had never seen a dime.

“You all right?” Jessie slid her hand down his arm, and he felt anger curl through him. He moved away from her to flip the pancakes and gain control of his raging fury.

This entire situation was ridiculous. He should be able to stay with her if he wanted to, to love her if he wanted to.
Wait
. . .
love
? Denial started spinning excuses in his head. He didn't love Jessie. He
couldn't
love Jess. He'd already established a long time ago that “love” was a word that meant nothing.

“Nathan?”

“Good morning,” Susanne chirped as she entered the kitchen. Jessie passed her a mug and poured her some coffee. “The troops are up and clamoring for food. I've got them staged on the back patio for now.” She laughed as she accepted the mug of steaming coffee. “Jessie, you have no idea how much I needed this.”

Nathan was grateful for the interruption—if for no other reason than it derailed his outrageous fairy tale notions of romance. He had no idea where this relationship was going to end up but he wasn't going to let a few semantics ruin what they could have. She was his, and he wasn't giving her up.

N
ATHAN SPENT THE
entire morning watching Jessie laugh with the kids, taking them up to The Ridge, keeping them herded like cattle as Mitch and Clint pulled up the rear of the group. Everyone was having a great time on the ride. Everyone but him. He kept replaying his conversation with Justin and wondering why he didn't just tell his friend how he felt about Jessie.

He cared about Jessie more than he'd ever cared about anyone. He knew what they shared was special: She was a one-of-a-kind woman and had opened up doors he'd locked for years, even a few he'd forgotten about. He couldn't imagine a day without her.
So, why didn't you just say that?

Because he was afraid Justin wouldn't believe him. They might have spent years without communicating, but Justin knew him. He'd filled his loveless life with other women, not caring how shallow those relationships had proven. In fact, he'd wanted them that way. Nathan had spent his entire life trying not to be like his father, but in the end, he'd become just like him, living the life his father had laid out for him. Instead of shedding the life of privilege and entitlement, he'd embraced it with both hands. Sure, he had become successful in his own right, earning more than most men ever would, but it wasn't enough to fill the void. He'd gone searching, letting the hollow pursuit lead the way down this path he had grown to hate.

He had to find a chance to talk to Justin, to make him understand how he felt about Jessie.

“Kinda quiet today,” Steve said as he rode up beside him. “Susanne told me there was some tension in the kitchen this morning.” He chuckled. “I'll never understand how that wife of mine seems to get herself into the middle of everything.”

“I've just got a lot on my mind.”

Nathan hadn't really said anything, but Steve nodded as if he understood. “Could it have something to do with a pretty girl who fell asleep on you last night by the fire?” Nathan turned to look at the other man. “I don't mean to pry, but I've seen the way the two of you look at one another.” He laughed and looked at the kids ahead of them. “We all have. The two of you were all the girls wanted to talk about when they went to their cabin last night, according to Susanne.”

“We're just old friends.”

“Friendship is a good place to start. But I think you have more than friendship in mind,” Steve agreed. “Looks like she does, too.”

“I'm leaving on Monday to head back to my regular life.” Nathan said. Dread made his stomach roll, coiling it up in a knot that made him feel sick.

Steve shrugged. “When are you coming back?”

“I'm not.”

“I see.” Steve wiped a hand over his mouth. “I know it's none of my business, but why wouldn't you? You don't seem thrilled about leaving, so what do you have there that's so much more important than what you have right in front of you? You said it yourself the other day; you've never found anything quite like it.” He turned his solemn brown eyes toward Nathan. “Trust me, when you find a woman worth fight for, you fight for her.” A smile crept to his lips as Susanne looked back at him and waved. “I know.”

J
ESSIE SET UP
one tent, while Mitch and Clint set up the tents for themselves and directed the kids on setting up theirs. They'd been perfect employees—great at entertaining the kids, full of boundless energy, and neither complained at doing any of the tedious chores. In short, she was planning to talk to Jennifer early next week to feel out the possibility of hiring them full time. They were exactly what she needed on the ranch, whether she took in guests or only horses.

She watched Nathan as he and Steve unsuccessfully tried to set up their tent, laughing at their own incompetence. She wandered over to where they stood, pausing to throw the horses some hay in the corral.

“You boys look like you need some help.”

Steve chuckled, looking up from the directions as he tried to pry two mismatched poles apart. “What gave it away? That we are the furthest from being done or because even my wife can put one up faster than I can?”

Jessie looked over at Susanne, who was sliding the last pole into her tent, and shrugged. “It's a woman thing. We read directions.”

Steve made a promise to Jessie. “I'll tell you what, you put this one together with Nathan, and I'll be in charge of the kids at the campfire tonight and let you get some sleep.” He shot a glance at Nathan and immediately handed off the instructions, walking toward his wife.

“What was
that
about?”

“I'm not exactly sure, but I think it has something to do with the fact that Susanne and Steve have aspirations of becoming matchmakers.”

“Oh.” Jessie wasn't sure whether Nathan would balk at the idea or not. This morning since walking in on him and Justin at breakfast, he seemed withdrawn. She wasn't sure whether they were moving forward or if he wanted to take a leap backward.

Nathan stared down at the instructions in his hands. “I think we need to talk tonight.”

Her heart stopped for a moment before her stomach dropped to her toes. “Okay.”

It didn't sound promising. In fact, he sounded apologetic. She took a deep breath, preparing for the stab of the knife that would cut out her heart. If she busied herself with the tent, maybe he wouldn't see the pain she knew she couldn't hide. She squatted down on the balls of her feet, stuffed a pole through the top of the nylon tent, and moved to the other side to repeat the movement with the next pole.

“Jess.” Nathan's voice was quiet, gently cajoling, and she looked up without wanting to. “It's not what you think.”

“I'm not thinking anything,” she lied, quickly looking away.

Nathan moved to squat beside her and took her hands in his, his eyes gleaming with intensity. “We've already established what a bad liar you are. There are just a few things you and I need to figure out. Get some of the stuff in here,” he said, pointing at her forehead, “out into the open and deal with it. For both of our sakes.”

Her heart thudded painfully against her ribs. Since she had no real baseline to establish where this conversation might lead, he was scaring her. It could be anything from him wanting to say good-bye now to him not wanting to say good-bye at all. Her initial instinct was to hide, to run away from either extreme, and remain safe in the cocoon of the ranch, sheltered from anything and anyone who might demand more of her than she was comfortable giving. But Nathan was different. In spite of her fear and their past, she wanted to give him everything, to give a relationship with him a chance. Now if only she had the nerve to tell him how she felt.

“All right,” she agreed.

“But we should probably get this tent up first.” He looked back at the laughing teens. “And feed this crew.”

“Bailey is bringing dinner when she comes up.”

He arched a brow. “Bailey's coming?”

“In a little bit. She's fixing dinner at the house and bringing it up, along with dessert. Then she'll stay with me in my tent and help fix breakfast in the morning. Why?”

“Just what I need.” Nathan shook his head. “Another ball breaker watching me like a hawk.”

N
ATHAN WATCHED AS
the sun dropped low, ready to fall behind the edge of The Ridge and dip into the water of the river. The kids were already laughing around the campfire. Clint and Mitch were stoking it into a bonfire with very vocal supervision from Bailey, while Steve strummed away on his guitar. He'd been surprised when Bailey pulled the guitar from the items she'd stashed in the back seat of the truck. She'd remembered everything, including the blanket and special dessert he'd texted and asked her to bring for Jessie. He owed her; maybe he'd rethink that revenge he was planning for her interruption at his cabin.

She'd even thought to park the truck far enough away from the group that he could have some privacy with Jessie while they watched the sunset. He needed to remember to get her a special gift for this. Bailey might be a ball breaker, but she had his back.

Spreading the blanket in the bed of the truck, Nathan opened the back door and called Jessie over. “I need some help with this.”

She frowned but made her way toward him. “What's wrong? I thought we already got everything out and—”

Nathan pulled her toward him and pressed her up against the truck before dipping his head to capture her lips. He'd been dying to kiss her since this morning when he'd left her warm and rumpled in her bed, promising a special surprise. This might not be the Ritz, but with the sun melting behind a few hazy clouds tingeing the sky pink, purple, and blue, holding this beautiful temptation in his arms, this moment was worth a million dollars.

His tongue swept against her lips, coaxing her to open to him. She didn't disappoint, sighing as she allowed him access to her sweetness. Her arms circled his waist, her hands gliding over his back as she drew him closer. Nathan groaned against her lips. When a loud burst of laughter came from the campfire, Nathan eased away from her with painstaking slowness, unsure whether he was annoyed or grateful for the company. As long as they were present, he wouldn't let his desire get out of hand.

Jessie whimpered quietly in protest, her fingers digging into the muscles of his back, making his erection strain against his jeans. He brushed his thumb over her jawline as he withdrew.

“Don't you want your surprise?”

He smiled down at her and loved the flicker of excitement that lit her eyes. There was no doubt about it. Jessie thrilled him like no woman ever had. He might not be willing to call it love, but he was willing to admit what they shared was special.

“That wasn't it?”

“Woman,” he scolded, chuckling quietly, “you're selling me short. I can do better than that.” Grasping her hand and bringing it to his lips, he kissed the back of it. “Come here and see.”

He took her to the back of the truck where he'd laid out lemon meringue pie and two bottles of her favorite beer. Nathan slid his hands onto her waist and effortlessly lifted her into the back of the truck before joining her.

“How did you do this?” she asked, awed.

“Bailey helped,” he admitted. “I wanted tonight to be special.” He sat against the back and pulled her down between his legs, brushing her hair back from her face. “Jess, do you realize how much you mean to me? This past week has been incredible.” He saw the tears in her eyes as she bit down on her lower lip. “I didn't mean to make you cry.”

She shook her head. “It's not that, it's . . . Nathan, thank you.”

He tucked a curl behind her ear. “For what? The ranch?”

“Yes . . . no.” Her fingers ran over his hands, caressing his palms and sending jolts of desire straight to his groin. “I've spent a long time blaming you . . . for not calling, for never coming back. I wasted so much time and energy trying to be what I thought everyone else wanted that I forgot to find out who I was and what I wanted. And I would have gone on that way, but you reminded me that it's okay to want something for myself.” She twined her fingers with his. “For letting me be me again.” She looked up at him, her eyes shining with gratitude and, dare he believe, adoration.

“Jess,” he whispered.

“Wait, let me finish.”

She laid her hand against his chest, and he felt the muscles contract. In fact, every muscle in his body seemed strung tight, ready to snap at the slightest provocation. The thought of leaving her sent pain spiraling through his chest, constricting his lungs, making it impossible to breathe.

“It's been a long time, even before my parents died, since I felt I could really be myself. With my parents, especially my dad, I had to be tough and independent to work with the other guys. Justin and Julia went away to college, but I stayed to help them. They needed me, and part of me liked that, but I had to play a role for them. I thought I had to keep being that way if I wanted the crew to take me seriously. That role stuck, and I've been playing it ever since. It's become such a part of me, of who I am, that I've forgotten how to be anything but the hard-ass you accused me of being.”

“Jess, I—”

“No, I was,” she interrupted. “I
am
.”

She stopped him with a hand over his mouth. He smiled against her palm and nipped at her fingers playfully. She gasped slightly, her chest heaving, and he pressed a kiss to her hand. Her eyes darkened and he recognized the same need he felt swirling in their depths.

Jess scooted from his lap and straddled his thighs, cupping his face in her fingers. “Nathan, I don't know what will happen after you leave tomorrow, but I don't want to make the same mistake twice. I didn't tell you last time how I felt. I care about you, a lot. Honestly, more than I want to. I know we're different, and we really have nothing in common but . . . ”

Her words tapered off, as if she was afraid to say any more, and her lashes dropped to her cheeks. She looked up at him again from under them. “Say something, please?”

He slid one hand to her back, pulling her toward him, letting the other bury itself in the thick waves of her dark hair. “Jess, I think we are more alike than you realize.” He met her gaze, willing her to read the truth in his eyes. “I care about you more than I've ever cared about anyone else. I always have.”

She shook her head. “You don't have to say it back. I just wanted—”

“I'm saying it because I mean it.” He brushed his lips against hers. “You mean more to me than anyone ever has. I may be leaving tomorrow, Jess, but even Jet, with his snapping teeth, couldn't keep me from coming back.”

J
ESSIE FELT HER
heart shoot into the heavens and burst like one of the stars in the night sky. She was certain that every one of the guests could see it happen. She wasn't sure she believed they really had a chance at making this work. She wanted to ask him how it would even be possible. Before she could speak, his mouth found hers, sending her senses spiraling into the sky with her heart. She didn't want to talk, didn't want to argue, she only wanted him. Her arms curled around his shoulders, and the kiss quickly turned from gently seeking to intense and feverish, leaving her breathless when the teens' laughter broke through the haze of their yearning.

A slow blush crept over her cheeks, burning her face, and she was grateful no one could see them. “I should get back.”

“Why? Bailey is taking care of everyone. She insisted we have dessert and a little privacy under the stars.”

Bailey had no idea how much this meant to Jessie—or maybe she did. Either way, Jessie owed her big time. She would need to thank her cousin appropriately for the gift. Jessie scooted to Nathan's side and curled herself against his chest, her fingers toying absently with the front of his shirt, and smiled up at him.

“I'll agree to a few minutes, but you have to keep this PG. I don't want my guests to wonder what sort of a ranch I run.”

He chuckled and pulled her closer, pressing a kiss to her forehead. “No promises.”

Jessie sighed, content for the moment simply to be in his arms. Knowing he planned on returning as soon as possible made it easier to let herself relish the complete adoration she had for him. She didn't kid herself, thinking he felt the same way she did—why would a man like Nathan fall in love with a mousey cowgirl with dirt under her nails—but knowing he cared was enough for now. Still, a nagging doubt gnawed at the edges of her mind. He'd promised to return before and had never come back.

“What are you thinking about?” he asked as he brushed a few waves back from her face and looked down at her.

“Nothing.”

Nathan grinned. “Liar.”

She returned his smile. “Fine,” she said, sighing dramatically. “I'm wondering how soon it might be before you are able to come back.”

“I have a couple of meetings early in the week, and then I need to meet with my father before I leave New York and head back to LA to check on my place there.” She tried to catch the frown before he noticed it. “What?”

Wearing Wranglers, boots, and denim shirts made it easy to forget that he was worth a small fortune and how important his family was. But listening to him talk about business trips and his jet-setting lifestyle with the upper elite and his family, she wasn't sure there was any room in his life for a struggling horse trainer. She pinched her lips together and shook her head.

“Jess,” he warned, tipping her chin up so she was forced to meet his gaze. “Don't go second-guessing me—us. Let's take this one day at a time. Right now, that means enjoying the stars in the back of your truck with eight teenagers pretending not to watch us from their campfire.”

She eyed the group, gathered around the fire, laughing at one another. Bailey was doing a great job keeping everyone entertained, but people were definitely taking notice of the couple in the back of the truck. She could make out the soft smile on Susanne's face and the wink Bailey shot her. She only wished she felt as confident about their relationship as everyone else seemed to.

S
UNDAY AFTERNOON, AS
Jessie watched as the kids climbed onto the beat-up bus to head back home, Susanne came up and gave her a quick hug.

“We had so much fun. I'm so glad you were able to do this for us.”

Jessie smiled back at her. It had been emotionally trying to do without her parents, but the group reminded her how much she enjoyed the presence of guests, watching others love her home almost as much as she did. However, this part was exactly what she didn't like about the dude ranch—saying good-bye.

“I'm so glad you guys came. I hope we'll see you again soon.”

Susanne winked. “Of course you will. We have a winter camp for the kids as well, and this place would be beautiful with a small dusting of snow.”

Jessie laughed. “Well, that's about all we get most years, but it's plenty as far as I'm concerned.”

Steve and Nathan finished loading the luggage into the bottom compartment of the bus and Steve clapped his hands together. “You about ready, wife?”

“Oh, I forgot my purse in the cabin. Jessie, why don't you walk with me to go get it?”

Steve rolled his eyes as he turned toward Nathan. “Women. They can never keep track of anything.”

“Pshhhh, you hush,” she replied, waving a hand his way. She didn't leave Jessie a chance to refuse as she put an arm around her waist and dragged her toward the cabin. As they arrived on the porch, Susanne faced Jessie. “I didn't really forget my purse. I just didn't want everyone to hear.”

“Hear what?”

“That man loves you, and I think you love him.”

“What?” Jessie wasn't sure what to say to Susanne's bold, and obviously irrational, statement. “Nathan? No, we're just . . . ” What were they? Was Nathan her boyfriend? It seemed to simple and explanation for how she felt. “I don't exactly know what we are.”

Susanne laughed quietly. “Yeah, Steve and I were like that once, too. I don't mean to meddle, but I can see you two care about each other very much. I'd hate to see you waste too much time fighting it. Trust me. From my experience, it's not worth the fight. It just wastes time and hurts.”

“It's complicated.”

“When isn't it?” she said, laughing again. “Whatever the complication, you can work through it if you love each other enough.”

And there is our problem—we don't love each other—I love
him.

There was no sense in denying it any longer. She loved Nathan Kerrington. She'd never stopped. From the moment he'd first stepped on the ranch eight years ago, he'd shattered every preconceived notion of what love should look like. He still turned her world on its head, but she realized she didn't want it any other way.

She loved the way he didn't balk at her temper, the way he could see through her moods to figure out what was underneath, the way he could bring out every emotion she tried to hide. He saw past the front she put up for everyone, moved past it to appreciate the woman behind the mask. Nathan had seen something in her no one had ever tried to find before—not her family and not her friends—and had shown her it was okay to be herself, to want and need and desire something for herself instead of sacrificing every part of her for others. And her heart didn't seem to beat fully unless he was around.

Susanne smiled and placed a comforting hand on her shoulder. “You should see your face right now. It says it all.” She shook her head and looked back toward the bus. “You need to tell him whatever it was you were just thinking. He needs to hear it.”

They walked back to the bus, and Susanne gave her one last hug before getting on the bus with the kids. Steve shook Nathan's hand and reached for Jessie's. “It was a pleasure to stay here, Jessie. Be sure to save us a week for winter camp. I'll have Susanne call and set it up, if that's okay.”

“I'd love that.”

“Drive careful, Steve,” Nathan said.