Here For You (26 page)

He had that look in his eyes again, like he was hiding something else.

“What is it?” I repeated, my voice shaky.

He leaned against the drawer to help with his balance. With one hand on the stick and the other on the dresser, he said, “Your mother wrote that letter to you. I never read it. The note that was attached…” He stopped speaking. Licking his dry lips, he continued, “Your mother passed away a few months back.”

Feelings I had never experienced before were rising up. I didn’t know her, I didn’t love her. Yes, she helped in the process of creating me, but I didn’t care for her. So why was I so upset? Why was I so
sad?
Why did I feel so
alone
again
?
Soon, I would be just that. This couldn’t be right. My mother was dead and now my father would die too.

This was the woman who had initiated my feelings of abandonment. After she’d left, everybody who ever meant anything to me decided to do the same. It was like a chain reaction that she had started without even knowing it. But all the things I wanted to say to her, all of those hurtful words that I wanted to scream in her face, I’d been denied. She’d robbed me of the privilege of telling her how I felt. She robbed me of the need to find her and scream at her about what a terrible mother she was.

Thinking about this was making me mad. I crumpled the paper in my hands, wanting to throw it away. I wanted to rip it up. But I couldn’t.

“Becca? Are you…”

I cut him off before he could speak another word. “When did you find out?” I wanted to know but I didn’t.

He took a deep breath. “I found out when that letter came in the mail. A friend of Rebecca’s sent it to me. I don’t know how she found out where we lived but she had her friend promise her to look for us and send this letter when she found us. Attached to the letter was this note that her friend had written, telling me that Rebecca passed away from drug abuse a couple of weeks after she wrote them.”

“How long did you know?” I repeated.

“For a while now.”

“What’s a while?” I held a letter in my hands that my dying mother had written for me and now she was dead. The specifics were kind of important.

“Since you were…twelve.”

With the crumpled paper in my hand, I stood up from the bed. Walking past my dad, I didn’t share a glance as I exited his room and ran up the stairs to my bedroom. Slamming the door shut, I rushed to my bed, digging my head into my pillow. With the paper still in my hands I shed tears for the woman I had never met.

james

“Dude, what are you doing?” I heard Paul say at my door.

I pointed to my bag. “Paul, really? What the fuck does it look like I’m doing? I’m packing.”

“Yeah, I know you’re packing, asshole. I’m just saying, I thought you were leaving on Thursday?” His mouth was full from the half eaten apple in his hand, so small bits and pieces were coming out of his mouth when he spoke.

Putting my hands on his chest to ease him out of my bedroom, I said, “Firstly, do not eat that shit in my room because you don’t know how to chew like a normal person. Secondly, Jim has everything covered at work so I’m going down to Becca’s place early.”

I turned back around to what I was doing. I folded all my t-shirts and shorts that I was going to wear when I was down there. I needed to be back by Monday, so that gave me four days.

Paul leaned against my doorframe as he continued to eat his apple like a horse. “You’re going to be there for like, ever, dude.”

Turning around, I held my chest. “Are you going to miss me?” I teased him.

“You’re such a dick. Hurry and pack so you can leave and I can fuck whoever I want, wherever and whenever I want.”

Pointing to him, I said seriously, “You are not fucking in my room, bro. If I find out you fucked in my room I
will
kick your ass.”

He just gave me a grin and walked away. “Paul! I’m fucking serious!” I yelled. He damn well heard me, and he knew I would rip his head off.

I went to my dresser, opened the third drawer and grabbed a pair of my black socks. I reached in further and took a bundle of cash I kept there. Now that Becca and I were together I wanted to take her out on a date.

A real date.

Finally, I got my duffle bag ready. Whenever I took my motorcycle on long rides I made sure that I didn’t carry too much, so my duffle bag was the perfect weight. If I missed something I’d just buy it when I was down there.

I didn’t know why I was so nervous about this whole visit. I mean, it was just Becca; she knew how I was, how I operated. Maybe being with her this way was going to make things weird and different? But what if something went wrong and our fucking friendship was over? Sitting on my bed, I put my elbows on my knees and placed my face in my hands. What the hell was wrong with me? I was never like this around a chick. I told her I loved her, so maybe she was looking for that hopeless romantic guy. I didn’t know how to be that, but I’d learn for her.

I didn’t know the first thing about that. I mean, I’d hardly had a good example growing up. Maybe I’d just end up like my dad and be a total douchebag. Speaking of my dad, the asshole had fucking sent me another text message. I didn’t delete it this time. I’d been trying to respond back, trying to tell him to fuck off. Pulling my phone from my black shorts pocket, I scrolled through my texts until I found him.

Asshole: Hey son, I am not giving up on you or the chance to have a conversation with you. I spoke to your mother last week and she said you were doing well. I can come to you if you can’t come to me. I really want to have a chat. After hearing me out you can tell me to go away, but I just need you to hear me out first okay? I love you son. Sorry (10:09am)

I kept scrolling through my messages until I found one from Becca from the other day. I couldn’t help the smile that formed on my face.

Me: Hey babes, I miss u. Just wanted u to know. Hope all is ok? Everything is ok here, except my dad’s being a pain in the ass (7:30pm)

I’d been texting her all day but she must have been so crazy busy with work and her dad being home that she probably didn’t have a minute to herself. Since she hadn’t wrote me back earlier either, I didn’t expect her to write back then, so I closed my phone and put it back in my pocket. I double checked to make sure I had my important things in the duffle bag. Everything was there. I grabbed the bag and placed it by the door so that all I had to do was grab and go in the morning.

“Finally ready?” Paul asked, lying on the sofa.

Walking to the sofa, I placed my hands on the top to lean over and look at his nasty ass. He had his fucking hands down his pants for no reason at all.

“You better get checked out, bro.” I told him, nodding down to his hand.

He removed his hand fast. “Fuck you, dude, I’m so clean you can eat from him.”

“Seriously, too much fucking info, nasty ass.” Sometimes, just sometimes, I wished he couldn’t speak. “And yes, I’m done. So right now I’m going to shower then go to bed to get some good shut eye before I leave in the morning.”

“Uh huh…” he replied, oddly.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” I asked him. Did I really want to know?

“Nothing.”

“If you don’t tell me I will kick your ass,” I threatened him.

He sat up. “You know, you need some anger management classes. You always want to beat someone’s ass.” He was shaking his head. He was right about that. My mother tried to tell me that once. I told her she was losing her fucking mind, without the curse word, of course. “It’s just I’ve never seen you like this,” he continues. “All smitten and shit over a chick. It’s weird that you’re
in love.
I guess I already knew you loved Becca, but I think this is the longest you’ve gone without sex.” What an asshole. He said
in love
in quotation marks with his fingers, but he was right, this was the longest I’d been without sex.

I wasn’t hearing him anymore. I made my way to the bathroom. “Just sit there, shut up, and put your hand back down your pants.”

I didn’t bother to hear the next words out of his mouth. I was already inside the bathroom. Turning the hot and cold water on, I started to strip my clothes. Stepping inside the shower I found the water more cold than hot, but it didn’t matter, I needed this. I’d been for a run after work, which I rarely did, but I needed to take away some of the stress from the text I’d gotten from my dad, and my thoughts about Becca. I loved thinking about her. She was the person who ruled my mind. The way her lips felt when they touched mine. I’d kissed quite a few girls in my life, but kissing her was like leaving an imprint on my heart. Kisses from other girls felt like nothing, meaningless, but Becca’s were full of meaning, full of life. I’d wanted to kiss those soft, velvety lips for a long time now and when our lips touched (without her being drunk) it was extra-extraordinary.

Placing one hand on the wall of the shower, I couldn’t help but remember the taste of her tongue. The cold water rained against my back, egging on my thoughts of her tongue being so delicious and sweet, mingling with mine in a heated dance. My free hand made its way down my chest to my shaft as I thought of her grip on my arms and how they were aggressive with hunger.

If she thought I was the hunter, she was wrong.

I was the prey. And she captured me completely.

My hand moved up and down slowly as my thoughts continued to run wild. I pictured her breasts, how they were pushed up against my chest and how all I wanted to do was lift her up on the table and devour her. I picked up the speed a bit more. The water had turned cold, but it was doing nothing to take my mind away from the thoughts that were swimming in my head. Fuck, the way she gripped my hair and pulled hard until a moan escaped my lips, which in turn, made her grip me harder. As my memory played out, my hips started to move back and forth, in tandem with my hand gliding up and down with more speed. I couldn’t help but think how she would look when I had her on the bed, laid out with that beautiful sexy body of hers, as I looked into those hypnotic light blue eyes.

She was a fucking angel sent down, created just for me.

My hips were pumping faster into my hand, going up and down with high speeds. Gritting my teeth, I knew I was close to coming. My legs buckled and a hiss came through my teeth. Before I knew it, my seeds were running down my hand, dissolving with the water.

“Fuck,” I whispered to myself, breathing heavily. Just thinking about her was driving me nuts. I hoped I could keep my hands to myself when I was down there tomorrow, or I might need many more cold showers.

Grabbing the removable showerhead, I made sure that I got everything.

Getting out of the shower, I throw on my blue boxer briefs and went to my room. Checking my phone, I didn’t see a new text message so I opened my nightstand and pulled out my headphones. Plugging them into my phone, I pressed shuffle on my play list. Maroon 5 ‘Daylight’ played and I got comfortable for sleep.

Tomorrow I’d be seeing Becca. Hopefully she’d be surprised when she saw me, since she didn’t know I would be there early. She was expecting me on Thursday, but I couldn’t wait until then to see her. Before the song was over, I heard the sound of a few text messages coming through. I didn’t bother to check them. I just bumped up the volume on my headphones before my eyes got heavy.

becca

Since my dad told me about my mother the day before, I’d been living in a huge blur. It was like I didn’t want to do anything. I had been in my room since the other night when I’d cried out everything I had into my pillow. I still had the crumbled piece of paper in my hands, but I hadn’t opened it or read it.

My phone had been crazy with text messages, but I hadn’t answered or checked it. My dad tried calling my name a few times, but I didn’t answer him. He wasn’t someone I wanted to talk to at that moment. He was actually the last person I wanted to see or speak to. He had known that my mother had tried to contact us before we moved. That was over eight fucking years ago.
 How could he lie to me? Granted, I didn’t want to know about her, but seriously…I couldn’t understand it. I knew why he chose to tell me this at that moment, and it was unsettling to know he wanted all of his demons out of his closet before he died. I just wished it wasn’t this demon.

Turning my head to the side, I saw that it was just after seven in the morning. I’d been in my room for a whole day. I hadn’t called work yet to let them know that I wouldn’t be coming in again. I was getting so sick of calling; I should have just quit. I just couldn’t focus on anything but my stupid mother, so I knew going into work would be a mistake. I’d just say I was still sick with the flu or something.

I felt and heard my stomach rumble. Damn it, why did I need food to survive? Why did I need it for fuel? I didn’t want to leave my room. I didn’t want to see my dad. Hopefully he was in his room sleeping or something and wouldn’t hear me when I sneaked out. Cracking my door open, I stretched my head out to see if I could hear anything downstairs.

Everything was quiet.

Slowly, I walked downstairs. As soon as I got to the bottom of the stairs I popped my head around the corner of the living room to make sure he was in his room. His door was closed. I saw the coffee was plugged in, which meant he had a cup already.
What was he doing up so early?
Opening the cupboards, I saw a box of cinnamon toast crunch, so I grabbed the half empty box and poured myself a bowl. Sitting at the table, I ate the cinnamon goodness. Every few seconds I stopped chewing to make sure there were no creaks on the floor, indicating that he was coming here.