Here For You (29 page)

He squeezed me with his lips pressed to my ears. “It’s okay to feel what your feeling. She’s your mother even if she wasn’t around. She still brought you into this world. There’s always going to be a connection there. Plus, I’m grateful for her.”

“What? How could you be grateful for her, James?” I turned slightly to face him.

He was wearing a smile on his face. “Calm down, babes. I just mean that if she wasn’t around you would have never been born and I wouldn’t be with such an amazing person.” He lightly kissed my lips.

“Yeah well, that goes for you to, you know,” I countered. He arched his eyebrows. “Your dad? You need to speak to him, James.”

He shook his head. “That’s different. My dad was around and then split. I remember everything that happened with that fucker.”

His mood changed, but I didn’t want him to regret not talking to him. Something good could come out of something bad. “You need to talk to him,” I continued. “Or you’re going to regret not being able to say anything to him. Before you know it, it’ll be too late to curse at him or hug him.”

He ran his hand through his hair. The sweat from earlier was leaving his body, but his hair was still a little wet. He still shook his head. “It’s still different, Becca. I can’t do that.”

I grabbed his face in my hands. “Yes, you can, James. You know it’s something that needs to be done. Why not get it over with?”

He bit his lower lip and I couldn’t help myself but lean in and pull his lip from his teeth to suck it into mine. He growled. Like, literally growled.

“Sorry.”

“Don’t be,” he said through a smile. “But I’ll think about it, okay?” I shook my head. That was not good enough. “Do you want me to read this or not?” He held up the paper in his hands. I dropped mine.

“No.”

“Okay, how about this? If you let me read you this letter, I’ll write my old man a text and say we can meet up or some shit like that?” He was trying. God, I loved this man.

I turned around so that my back was to his chest again and nodded my head.

He started.

“Dear Rebecca, I’m sure you’re father has already told you who this is from, and I want to start off by saying sorry. Although I’m pretty sure my sorry is worth shit right now, but I need to start off with that. I want to say I am sorry that I left you, but I’m not. See, if I would’ve taken you from your father you probably wouldn’t be alive right now, reading this. I was very ill back then, and although your dad tried helping me countless amount of times I couldn’t fight the demons deep inside. When I got with your father I was broken and he tried to heal me with love. But where I was, love was nothing, it was a cover-up and I lied to your dad the whole time. I don’t know why I agreed to move in with him. Maybe it was the lure of stability, or maybe I thought I could actually change, but it didn’t work like that. Once pregnant, I was angry all the time. I felt like you had ruined my life and I promised myself that when I finally gave birth I would leave. I was hoping it would change when I saw you, but it didn’t. Don’t get me wrong, I loved you and your father so much, but I felt like you were better off without me in your life. Both of your lives. It wasn’t until years later that I wanted to find you, but that was only if you wanted me to. Your dad met up with me once and quickly denied my request. See, I still wasn’t better, and he saw that. He didn’t want my negative influence in your life. And I respect him for that. He was raising a beautiful, bright, young woman. As I am writing this letter I am very sick, and I know that I will die soon. I know you must hate me so much and believe me, I know, because I would hate my mother if she did the things I did to you. So forgive me for trying to find you again and writing this letter. I might be dead by the time you read this letter but I want you to know that your father loves you with all of his heart and soul. And I am happy that I was able to have a wonderful daughter with him. I know I can’t make you love me now so all I ask is for your forgiveness. I know it doesn’t count for much. But, Becca, I LOVE YOU. You will always be my little girl. The things I’ve done in the past are horrible and I’m happy you weren’t around to see them. I know it’s too late to do anything about it, and I don’t expect you to understand my reasons behind the decisions that I have made. But I do love you. I never forgot about you. You were always in my mind and in my heart. I hope that you find someone to love and who loves you back, someone you can marry and have children with. And I hope you will be the best mom ever, and nothing like me. I’m sorry, Becca. So sorry, honey. Love your mom.”

Mom
…

A tear escaped from my eye. I thought they would be streaming by now but that one lone tear must be how she felt; alone in this huge world with nobody around her. When she died who was beside her? Who buried her? Who loved her? I hated her but at that moment I couldn’t help but love her.

chapter - 16

james

Since I agreed with Becca about our compromise she hadn’t stopped bugging me about my dad. I didn’t want to text him, I didn’t want to talk to him, but for her I would. I couldn’t believe that she was dealing with me after the shit I pulled with Grey. Truth was, I would have done it again if I were given the chance. With Grey’s neck under my hand I felt powerful. It was almost like I needed to do that, maybe for all the wrong reasons, but for reasons nonetheless. I had gotten a text from Becca earlier, asking if I could take her somewhere. Where? I had no clue, but I agreed to it as soon as she said she would love it for a graduation gift.

Going inside my bag, I pulled out my black jean shorts and a white, plain t-shirt. Becca was not some chick that took forever to get dressed. I was pretty sure she would be here any minute so I had to hurry up. As I walked across the living room I saw my mother sat down, watching one of her judge shows on TV.

“Hey, Mom.” I went and sat next to her while I waited for Becca.

She looked toward me briefly, placing a hand on my knee. “You look handsome. Going out?” she asked, looking back to her show.

I nodded before realizing she wasn’t looking at me. I told her that I was off to get Becca a gradation present.

“That’s so nice of you, James.” There was a commercial on TV. That’s why she finally looked my way. “Have you spoken to your father yet?”

I didn’t know why she was so eager for me to speak to the man. I knew I had told Becca I would text him, and I would, but I just didn’t know when.

I removed my hand from behind her on the couch and ran it through my semi-wet hair. “No, not yet, Mom.”

“Honey, you have to speak with him. I know you don’t approve of his actions, but he is your father. You need to find forgiveness in your heart.” She was just looking at me.

I stood up, unable to handle this. I would soon, just not right then. Why did everything have to be so rushed? I’d do it when I fucking wanted to.

Just as I was about to tell her not to worry about me the doorbell rang. I turned away from her, but before I got to the door I turned back around toward her again.

“Look, I’ll get to it, okay? But it has to be at my pace.” I placed my hand on the doorknob.

“I love you, James.” She said softly.

“I love you too.”

Turning the knob, I opened the door and Becca was before me. The weather was a little warmer, but not warm enough for the clothes she was wearing. I felt like blocking her from the world. She had on a blue, v-neck shirt that showed her beautiful cleavage, and her legs looked sexy in the black tights she was rocking with her black toms. Her hair was in its usual messy bun on the top of her head with loose strands hanging from everywhere. When she saw me she smiled, showing her bright white teeth as the sun lit up her eyes.

I forgot where we were when I grabbed her by the waist to pull her against my body. Her arms landed on my biceps and I placed a passionate kiss on her full lips. I needed her to know that I wanted her right then, that second. I guessed she got the message from the kiss she returned, but she didn’t open up to invite my tongue into her mouth. I pulled back to look at her and she seemed a little embarrassed. Her eyebrows rose, making her forehead wrinkle as she looked behind me.

Turning around, I saw my mother with a huge smile on her face in the living room, not watching TV, but us.

“Sorry, babes, I couldn’t help it. You can’t be walking around like this,” I said, never removing my hands from her waist.

“Hi, Samantha,” she called over my shoulder to my mother.

“Hi honey, would you…”

But before my mother could invite Becca in to sit with her or talk, I grabbed Becca by the wrist and made our way outside. I would not be staying in the house all day watching judge shows. Hell no, that shit was not happening.

“Bye, Samantha,” Becca said as I pulled her out of the house.

Closing the door behind me, I pulled Becca against my body again, this time placing my hands on her juicy ass. These tights made her thighs pop out. They needed their own fucking zip code. And that zip code was mine, all mine. She giggled as she wrapped her hands around my neck, locking her fingers together. She was so fucking beautiful.

“So where are we going?” I asked her, placing feather kisses all over her face.

She leaned her head back and looked up at the sky that she loved. “You can’t freak out, okay?”

Shit, this was not good. And fuck, I’d agreed to it already. I’d made sure to grab a few hundred, not knowing where we were going, but wanting to be prepared. Happy I did. As long as it didn’t exceed the amount I had in my wallet I was good. Although, I had no problem wiring money to myself if I had to.

“What is it?” I started to ponder what it could be. Looking behind her, I didn’t see her car. “Where’s your car?”

She bit her lip then released her lower lip. “I thought we could take your bike.”

What?!

I pulled away from her and looked into her eyes. I tried to find a hint of playfulness or a ‘Psych! Just kidding’ coming soon, but nothing. She was serious. I’d been trying to get Becca on my bike for years. She always wanted a jacket but refused to ride on my bike. She half promised to ride with me when I got her the jacket, but when I did she backed out quickly. I knew that she was extremely scared of not being in control, especially with a motorcycle. She didn’t even know how to ride a bicycle, so I guess she must have been thinking that it was the same, when in reality it was totally different.

I wanted to ask her why? What brought on the sudden change? But I caught myself. Maybe if I mentioned it she would back up and not get on. Fuck that shit. I wanted my girl behind me on my bike while she clung to me like my own personal leathers.

I didn’t have two helmets so I just gave her mine. She looked at it funny, but I helped her into it. Damn it, she looked fucking sexy with that helmet on. I climbed onto the bike and helped her behind me. Just then, I realized that she was missing something.

“We have to make a quick stop at your place so you can get your jacket.”

“Oh shit, I’m an idiot! I forgot all about that.” She laughed on my back.

Everything about this chick was perfect.

Stopping by her place real quick, I felt a vibration in my side pocket. I reached down, fumbling for the power button. Finally I got to it and shut the phone off before Becca came back outside.

“So where are we going, babes?” I asked her. She hadn’t told me so I didn’t know where to go.

“Your friends tattoo shop.” She held onto me tight.

“Wait a minute…Alex’s shop? You want a tattoo?” I couldn’t hide the surprise in my voice as I asked her.

She nodded.

Holy hell, that was fucking hot. She was going to have ink on her body. I didn’t want her to mark herself because she was perfect just as she was, but I couldn’t say it didn’t turn me on that she wanted me there when she marked herself. Just like the bike, I tried not to second-guess shit. So I revved my bike and away we went.

becca

Fuck, this shit itched, but I had to use this cream when I woke up and when I went to sleep last night. It said to use when needed and I wanted relief when I was in bed. Maybe the position of the tattoo was a bad idea, because of my hair. The wrap to protect the tattoo came off while I slept so I had to let it breathe fresh air today, I guess. I hoped when my dad saw it he wouldn’t get too pissed, I mean, it was for him after all.

Today was the big day: Graduation day for Emma and I, and I didn’t think I would be excited but I totally was. I was so happy that my father was able to see this, so happy that he could experience this with me. It had all been for him anyway, especially this day. Just one day where we didn’t have to think about what was going to happen, or when. The thought hadn’t left my mind since he was admitted to hospital, but today I wanted it to be different. James being here put me at ease, somewhat, about the whole thing. Especially after yesterday.

He was so surprised when I told him about wanting a tattoo. And despite not having planned it, he ended up getting a tattoo as well. While mine was behind my neck (the words ‘Daddy’s Little Girl’ written in a cursive script and weaved into an infinity symbol) James had gotten one on his ribs, opposite the crow, that said, “Life is too short to wake up in the morning with regrets. It’s a bad day, not a bad life.” I believed we all could live by those words, if we could just stand back and realize that things can get better in all due time, because as much as there is bad, there is always good.

The guy at the shop and James had told me it was going to itch, but damn I didn’t think it would be this bad. Shit. I couldn’t take it. I had to itch it just a little. I was about to touch it when my phone beeped.

James: Missing u. Can’t wait to see u later. We r driving together, right? (7:45am)

He was just too freaking cute. Damn, I missed him so much. He’d wanted to stay over the previous night but I told him no. I knew I had to get up early and I knew what we would be doing all night. Not saying that I didn’t want to, but we could do it tonight after everything was behind me already.

Me: Hey James, I miss u too…u didn’t say this thing was going to itch this bad!!! (7:46am)

Trying to ignore the itch, I walked to my closet to take out the dress I put aside for this day. It was a light, yellow dress with black outlines of flowers, ending a little above the knees, while the top was a halter-neck. I fucking hated wearing strapless bras, but one was needed. I hoped that lady at Victoria Secret knew her shit when she said that it would feel like I wasn’t wearing anything. Now I just had to find a pair of shoes to wear with it. Since it was going to be outside, I wanted to wear something comfortable. As I was contemplating on just wearing my Converse I heard footsteps coming fast up the stairs toward my door. I looked down at myself, panicking because I was only wearing a blue tank top with boy short underwear. Just then, someone opened my door and made their way in. I crossed my arms around myself quickly.

“Becca, you better be awake.” Emma said out loud, looking down at her hands like she was making sure that she had everything she needed.

I loosened up a bit, dropping my hands. I didn’t care about not wearing a bra in front of her. We had changed in front of each other so many times that it didn’t faze me. Actually, now that I thought about it, I didn’t know why I even covered myself up. If it was James I guess it wouldn’t have mattered. Shaking my head, I went back to picking out some shoes or sneakers.

“No, I’m awake, Emma,” I said, bending down to grab my Converse.

As I turned around to see how it would look with my dress Emma grabbed them sneakers from my hands. “Are you insane? If you think I am going to let you walk out of this house with Converse on your feet and that sexy dress you must be losing your fucking mind, Becca.” She threw them behind me. I didn’t say anything. I just sat down on my bed, crossing my legs and placing my hands on my knees. “What are you doing? Get over here so I can do your hair.” She motioned for me to go to her.

Damn, she was so
bossy.

She set up her equipment on a small vanity I had in my room. The thing was so old, white with chipped paint everywhere; I didn’t know why I kept it. Looking down on the counter I could see a hair blower, a flat iron, and a lot of clips. Oh my goodness, what was she going to do to me. It was only graduation, not a wedding. But I just sat on the chair that she had pulled out for me. She smiled as I sat. She lived for this stuff, looking girly and making people over.

Before she got started I remembered to ask her something. “Hey, Emma.” Her attention was inside a clear bag. She didn’t bother to look at me.

“Yeah?”

“Is Richard here yet?” I knew he was supposed to be here, but I had been in my James bubble so I had forgot to ask her the other day if he would be coming down early or not.

With that question, she took her head out of the bag with a hand full of pink rollers. Her face lit up. “Yeah, he’s here. We spent yesterday together. Sorry I didn’t text, we were busy.” She winked.

“Nasty ass.”

Setting the rest of her stuff down, she lifted my hair. I wondered what she might say when she…

“Holy fucking shit, Becca. You got a tattoo?”

Well, there was my answer.

Turning slightly to face her, I saw she was in a state of shock. If she left her mouth open any longer flies would find shelter there. “Yeah, I got it yesterday with James.”

“Oh hell no, you better start explaining this shit.”

I turned to face the mirror, looking at her as she grabbed the flat iron and I started to tell her about everything from the beginning.

james

“How do I look, Mom?” I asked when I saw her walk by the guestroom downstairs. I could have used her opinion.

She stopped by the doorframe. She was wearing a beautiful light blue, flowing, flowery dress. She had a shawl wrapped around her shoulders with her brown hair sitting on top. My mother didn’t really get dressed up but when she did she was stunning.