HIGHER (The Indigo Lounge Series) (13 page)

“Zach—”

“Look at me or you won’t get
fucked.”

Sucking in a deep breath, she
schooled her features and forced her gaze upward. His features were taut with
the strain of holding himself steady above her. Another layer of sweat sheened
his skin and his eyes were dark and turbulent. “You reminded me how flexible
you are when you went to town on me just now. So, raise your legs high for me.”

She complied immediately, nearly
insane with desperation. But he shook his head.

“Higher.”

She raised her legs until her
feet touched the headboard.

“Good girl. Now, tell me you
missed me.”

Chapter Fifteen

Zach woke with a
start and glared at the empty space beside him. Bethany was sliding out of bed,
her back to him. That distance he’d sensed was still there. Hell, if anything,
it was escalating by the second. More than anything, he wanted to grab her,
keep her pinned until she acknowledged him, accepted that they were meant to
be.

He struggled to
stay put. He’d done enough imposing last night. He may have ceded power to her
in the beginning but by the time they’d fallen asleep, exhausted in each
other’s arms in the early hours, she’d known who was in control. Had eagerly
participated and granted his every demand.

And yet, through
it all, he’d sensed her reticence. And more than that, he’d seen her
determination as she’d given herself wholeheartedly and demanded more in
return.

It wasn’t until
that last mind-bending fucking that he’d guessed her intention. Panic had
resurged a hundred-fold but he’d stemmed it.

Now, he watched
the curve of her waist, her sleek torso as she raised her hand to shrug into
the dressing gown he’d provided for her and hid a determined smile. She thought
they were done. Last night, she'd fucked him with a purpose he'd been thrilled
to receive. Now he knew it for what it was.

“Good morning,
Peaches.”

She tensed but
didn’t turn around. His pulse shot up as the urge to get off the bed and make
her face him smashed through him. “How do you feel?” He struggled to keep his
voice even. A part of him wondered why he was so stunned that she turned him
inside out without even lifting a finger. It was the same realization that had
staggered him in Marrakech. That feeling that she meant more to him than everyone
or anything in his life.

It was what also
terrified him that any further revelations about his past would drive her away
for good.

"Great. I
feel great." She fiddled with her belt for a few minutes. Then caught a
strand of hair between her fingers. Zach was content to let the thick silence
continue. He was perfectly content where he was, watching her fidget. This
woman confused the hell out of him enough for him not to feel lenient toward
her this morning.

After another
minute, she looked up. "Zach, I need to go to work."

"No you
don't. You're working from here today. I’ve cleared it with Sheena."

She rounded on
him. “You’ve
what
?”

He stood and
walked over to her. Her color was heightened with her anger but her eyes were
adorably drowsy from sleep and sex. And he’d never craved her more. “We never
got round to discussing what you’ve come up with for the project. I thought we
could discuss it this morning.”

“That will take
about an hour. Then what the hell will I do for the rest of the day?” she
snapped, her eyes blazing blue hell at him.

He couldn’t stop
his grin at her exasperation. She was getting animated. Good. He preferred that
to her silent scheming on how to leave him.

“I’m pretty sure
we can come up with something.”

She closed her
eyes. “I can’t spend what’s supposed to be my work day here with you—”

“Fucking my
brains out? I beg to differ. Wasn’t that what the marathon fucking last night
was all about?”

Her frown held a
world of wariness. “What are you talking about?”

He shook his
head, unwilling to embrace his fears. Last night had been getting him out of
her system. A fuck before the fuck off. Little did she know his mission had
been the opposite. He'd tried being a gentleman. He'd tried begging. Hell, he'd
even tried blackmailing.

Now he intended
to fuck himself back into her system. But he couldn’t risk frightening her off
by coming on any stronger.

Pulling her
close, he slanted his mouth over hers. His dread lessened a fraction when she
responded by opening her mouth and participating wholeheartedly in the kiss.
When her hands slid around his waist, he breathed even easier. Her eyes were
dreamy with need when he raised his head and stared down at her.

“Let’s try this
again. Good morning, Peaches.”

“It’s not a good
morning for me when you try and derail my day before it’s even started, Zach,”
she complained.

She tried to pull away but he
held on. More and more, he felt like he was trying to hold on to her while she
pulled away from him. Slowly, he glided his thumb over her bottom lip, felt it
quiver beneath his touch.

“That’s not what I’m trying to
do. I thought I’d save you time by cutting out your commute into work.”

“You don’t get it. I’m a grown
up. I can arrange my own work day. I know you don’t care whether Sheena finds
out about us but I do. Can you try and respect that?” Blue eyes glowered at him
but there was also a hint of sadness in them that shredded him.

Something had to give here. And
soon. “Forgive me, baby. I just wanted you here with me today.”

She continued to stare at him for
another minute, then she nodded. “But we’re definitely working, got it? I want
to give Sheena a progress report by close of play.”

“We’ll be done by lunchtime. Then
I’ll take you to lunch. If you want,” he tagged on quickly when her brow
started to rise. “Or we can prolong work and call it a business lunch.”

She shook her head in
exasperation. “Do you not have…I don’t know, other work to do?”

“My work day is…fluid.” He had
nothing planned in his immediate future beyond doing everything in his power to
hang onto her.

Her eyes met his and slowly a
wary speculation grew in the mesmerizing depths.

“How long do you think you can
keep this up, Zach?” Again that sadness, that soul-deep echo of pain that cut a
jagged path through him.

“Fight to keep from losing you?
As long as I have breath in my body.”

Her own breath caught but she
began to pull away.

“Bethany—”

“I need a shower,” she said, her
tone more than suggesting that she didn’t need company.

He dug his feet into the carpet
to keep from stalking after her when she headed for the bathroom. Shucking a
hand through his hair, he calculated the time difference on the West Coast and
exhaled noisily. He was beginning to realize that even if his attorney managed
to get the non-disclosure clause lifted he would have to tell Bethany a lot
more about his life than Farrah and what had led to the incident six years ago.

For one thing, there was also the
issue of his mother and her lifestyle.

Compared to the parenting he’d
been through growing up, Bethany’s parents were saints. Saints who wouldn’t
want him around their daughter when they learned of his depraved past. Of his
mother’s proclivities.

He’d seen the way Bethany had
been cut up about her asshole ex, and the way she’d reacted to his bombshell.
How would she react if he told her his mother had done worse, and continued to
do so?

The sound of running water hit
his ears. He paced to the bathroom door and sucked in a sustaining breath. He
needed to give her space. Give her a minute to collect her thoughts—

Fuck that. He needed her. Being
around her made him forget what a fucked up life he’d led until tragedy had
propelled him into sickened numbness.

He entered the bathroom and
stopped at the sight of her. Jesus, she was fucking magnificent. Stupid to feel
jealous of the water running down her body but
rational
had flown out the window where Bethany was concerned a
long time ago.

She’d secured her long hair on
top of her head and was leaning forward so the water hit the top of her spine.
With her hands braced on the wall, he was reminded of their first shower in
Paris when he’d lost control and come all over her ass.

He grew hard within seconds. He
must have made a sound because she turned sharply.

The haunted sadness in her eyes
made him grit his teeth. “Shit, Bethany, I can’t stand that look in your eyes,”
he rasped.

“Then fix it,” she replied.
Hearing the tears clogging her voice made his chest tighten. “Do you trust me,
Zach? Even a little?”

“I do trust you.”

She shook her head. “Not enough,
obviously.”

He stalked to the vanity, aware
that her eyes followed him. Leaning against it, he crossed his arms. “I signed
a non-disclosure clause agreeing never to talk about what happened six years
ago. My attorney is working to overturn it.”

Her eyes widened. “You mean you
can’t legally talk about how she died?”

He nodded. “I’ve been trying but
her family aren’t cooperating.” His jaw tightened. “And deep down, I don’t
blame them.”

“Why not?”

His chest filled with regret,
pain and a desperate panic that he was skidding towards saying something that
would cost him the beautiful woman in front of him. But he couldn’t seem to
stem the flow of his words. “Because, she was doomed the moment she met me.”

“God, Zach…”

Ice speared into his soul,
throwing him back to a time he could never forget. “She was innocent, Bethany.
She had no fucking clue what the real world was like. She was a virgin for
heaven’s sake. I fucked her up so badly, even I could barely recognize her in
the end.”

She flinched at his harsh tone
and fought to pull back from the brink he was skating toward. He speared a hand
through his hair and tried to breathe. Absently, he heard the shower shut off.
A moment later, she stood in front of him.

“Did you force her to do anything
against her will?” she asked.

He frowned, his thoughts a
jumbled chaos. “Did I…? Probably. Possibly. I was pretty full of myself back
then. I had life by the balls and I was squeezing it for all it was worth. I
was pretty damn capable of anything. I knew it and made sure everyone around me
knew it too. I think I hammered that point home with Farrah most of all.”

She took another step closer.
“How?”

He tried to shrug but his
shoulders wouldn’t move. “She trusted me. I made sure she knew what the
consequences would be if she ever betrayed that trust. I…made her choose
between her family and me. She chose me. And ended up paying the ultimate price
for it.” Pain seared his insides, followed swiftly by a damning ice that
threatened to freeze his heart.

She touched his arm and
immediately the ice started to recede. “Zach, I’m sorry.”

He grabbed her hand and tugged
her closer. Her body was drenched from the shower but she was warm, and soft
and everything he yearned for, despite knowing deep in his soul that he didn’t
deserve her.

Her arms circled his shoulders
and she buried her face in his neck. His breath shuddered out as she held him
tight.

God, he never wanted to let her
go. Never.

“Is that why you’re afraid to
trust me? Why you keep pushing me away?” she whispered raggedly.

“I’m terrified of what you’d see
if I open up. That you’d see someone you don’t want to be with.”

“The person you think you are, did
he start and end with Farrah?” Her question cut to the heart of his every fear.

For several minutes he couldn’t
speak. “No,” he finally admitted.

“But she was the reason you’ve
closed yourself off, isn’t she?”

“I’ve had to. I can’t risk
putting anyone else through that. Her family are still grieving over what I
did, Bethany. What I can never undo.”

She leaned back and looked at
him. “So you’re going to spend the rest of your life punishing yourself, paying
the price by never risking happiness?”

“I don’t deserve to be happy.”

Pain clouded her eyes. “Then what
am I doing here?”

The bottom fell out of his world.
Numbly, he shook his head. “I…don’t deserve it. That doesn’t mean I don’t crave
it.”

She pulled back another inch. “So
you want me to do all the work while you hide behind whatever guilt is
consuming you?” Her voice shamed him. Completely and utterly. But still he held
on. Letting go was not an option.

“I’m trying. I’m willing to work
for it. Work for you. You told me you loved me in Morocco. I want to deserve
that love.” Desperation clawed through him when her expression didn’t change.
“Tell me you love me, Bethany.”

Her eyes darkened and she sucked
in a breath. “I…can’t.”

Pain seared deeper. The earth
shifted beneath his feet as pure terror took hold. “Why the hell not? You said
it once, I don’t think you can take it back.”

“I think you were right. I said
it too early. You didn’t want to hear it then, remember?”

“I want to hear it now! Have you
changed your mind? Is that it? You’ve caught a glimpse of the monster
underneath and you’re beating a hasty retreat?”

She jerked out of his arms. “Shut
up, Zach. Once again you’re presuming you know what’s in my heart and mind. I’m
here. Despite what you told me, I’m here with you. Why can’t you trust in that?”

“Because I look into your eyes
and I see the sadness. I see the pain. I can already feel you slipping through
my fingers. You say you won’t run but you sure as hell can retreat. You’re
already doing that.”

She shook her head and glanced
down at her feet. He’d thought looking into her eyes hurt. But not seeing her
expression hurt even more.

“You were right. The real world
is kicking our asses pretty hard.”

His bark of laughter ricocheted
around the bathroom. “Just say the word and we can get on a plane and head to
Bora Bora.”

“We can’t run away from our
problems, Zach.”

“We won’t be running if we’re
together. We’d just be facing them with a much better view.”