His Love (23 page)

She rubbed her bare arms to fight off the chills skittering over her.

And why on earth was a whisper in her heart urging her to dive in and do it?

Maybe she was as insane as he was.

She stared out at the water, a mass of moving, undulating darkness, trying to let the sound of the waves soothe her as it usually did. It wasn’t working tonight. This was too serious. Somehow she knew whatever happened now, whatever decision she made, would affect her whole future.

For what felt like a long time, she stood and stared out at the ocean, at how the moonlight danced and shimmered off the crests of the waves, magical and beautiful.

“Toni.”

She turned. Gavin was only a few feet behind her. Her eyes had adjusted to the darkness enough that she could see him clearly. Standing there, his posture rigid and his hands shoved into the pockets of his shorts, the waves of distress coming off him were palpable. The wind ruffled his short hair, the moonlight glinted off his glasses, and she wanted to both run to him and away from him at the same time.

“When you said you wanted a drink,” he murmured, “I didn’t think ya meant down here.”

She gnawed on her lips, holding herself tighter. “I didn’t… I don’t even know how I got out here.”

His already furrowed brows creased deeper. “I waited for fifteen minutes, thinking you maybe just wanted some space to think. But when I went downstairs, you were gone. I had a feeling you might be out here. Just a hunch.”

“You know me that well already,” she whispered, her gaze falling away.

“I don’t know about that,” he said wryly. “After all, I thought you’d come back upstairs after ya got a glass of water.”

She stared down at her feet, watching the patterns the tides made around her feet as a wave flowed in, sinking her toes deeper beneath the wet sand.

“I didn’t think it was safe for you to be out here by yourself,” he said, his voice low and tight. “If you don’t want to talk right now, that’s fine. Won’t say a word if you don’t want me to. But I’ll not let ya stay here on your own. I’ll just stand close by.”

Her eyes burned with tears. He was such a good man. A deeply good person, who obviously loved her. And she’d hurt him. It was in his eyes, in his voice, and that tore at her. Why didn’t she know how to handle this better?

“It’s not fair to you,” she blurted out. “You’re so good, and I’m a mess. I don’t know what to do or say, I took off on you, and here you are looking out for my safety like a damn Boy Scout.”

“I’m no Boy Scout,” he said. “I’m pretty upset right now. But I’m not going to let that keep me from lookin’ out for ya. That’s not who I am.”

She tried to swallow back the lump in her throat. It felt like a fist had lodged there. She knew who he was—one of the best men she’d ever met in her life. And she loved him for it more than he could imagine. But right now, her mind was in a tailspin, and she was flailing. Unable to speak, she nodded, and they stood together in silence.

“I wasn’t trying to push you into doing somethin’ you don’t want to do,” he finally said. “Nor was I trying to tell ya to cut and run from here solely to be with me. You have so much goin’ for you, Toni. You could make a good life for yourself anywhere, without me. Or in Dublin, with me. But…” He rubbed the back of his neck and stared out at the ocean. “I was tryin’ to think of ways for us to stay together. And for you to have more and a better reason to come to Dublin than just to be with me.” He sighed as he admitted, “The program at Trinity seemed like a great idea, except for such a big move, of course…”

The sweeter and more reasonable he was, the more her fears taunted and tugged at her. She felt the beginning stirrings of a panic attack and she hadn’t had one in years.

She finally faced him and cried, “But it
is
a big move! And why should I have to give up my whole life for us to make this work? I’m the one who’d have to leave everything and everyone I know, for a
maybe
. That’s scary as hell, Gavin! What if I go, and then you… or the program… I just…” She kicked at the sand, making water splash. “You’ve known me such a short time. You’re willing to, what—let me stay at your place for a year or so while I get my degree? Just like that?”

“Aye,” he said quietly.

She shook her head, gaping at him. “Why would you do that?”

He looked at her as if she’d started speaking another language. “Why
wouldn’t
I do that? That’s what you do when you love someone, you help them. You know, be there for them, support them in all ways possible?”

His words were like a gut-punch. “No one’s ever done that for me,” she whispered hotly. Her eyes welled again as she fought to keep her composure. “Except my parents, of course. But I stand on my own.”

“Maybe I want to stand with you,” he murmured. His eyes held hers and he took a step towards her. “Simply because I love you and I believe in you. And I want to give us a real chance.”

A tear slipped from her eye and she wiped it away impatiently. She’d never known such kindness and generosity from a man before. She realized she didn’t know what to do with it. That it scared her to death.

“I was with Siobhan for four years,” he said. “I thought I wanted to marry her. And I never, ever felt with her, in
four years
together, the way you’ve made me feel in four
weeks
.” He shook his head, helpless. “Toni, is this too good to be true? No. It’s just that good because it’s the real thing. I’d have to be daft not to want to make that last.”

Her heart lurched in her chest and she held herself tight, rubbing her bare arms. Why was she so cold? She couldn’t stop the shaking. He stood there, waiting for a response, but she couldn’t formulate a coherent one. There were so many thoughts bouncing around in her head… a throbbing started to pound behind her eyes and her chest felt tight. She rubbed her temples. “I can’t be expected to make a huge decision like this in a night.”

His lips pressed into a hard line and he nodded.

“I don’t want to do the wrong thing,” she whispered. “I’m… I’m scared. I admit it.” She looked up to the sky, to the stars above, twinkling as if they were laughing at her. Warm waves crashed and rushed in around their feet, submerging them in the surf. “I need more time… I just…”

“You’re right,” he said quietly.

“What?”

“You’re right,” he repeated. “You shouldn’t feel pressured to make a fast decision. About anything, but especially something like this. You shouldn’t have to give up everything. Uproot your life and fly off into the unknown. I just thought that…” His lips pursed, he shook his head, and looked back out at the water. “Forget it. We won’t talk about the program anymore, or your moving, or any of it. You need to make your own choices. I can’t be part of that. I’ve no right.” His shoulders were stiff, his jaw set tight. “I’m sorry I upset you. I won’t bring it up again.”

Her stomach lurched and she clutched at it. He was retreating. She’d pushed him away, and she was watching him shut down right in front of her eyes. She stared at him with yearning, longing to make him understand… but what if… maybe he’d just decided, after she’d fled from the house like a child and now yelled like a witch, that she wasn’t worth the trouble. Because this whole thing
was
a lot of trouble. It’d be difficult to have a long distance relationship, hard for her to contemplate such a big move, and either way she wasn’t jumping at his ideas. So he was just letting her go. Without a fight. Sure was easier that way, wasn’t it?

The thought of that lanced her heart, leaving her shattered. He was going to just let go? She couldn’t breathe. She couldn’t move. She just stood there, holding herself as tears dripped silently down her face. He stood there still as stone, and wouldn’t even look at her. In one short hour, she’d gone from having the man she loved beg her to move across the ocean to be with him, to him standing there aloof and cool and finished with her, with any hopes for them. He only stood a foot from her, but it felt like he was already thousands of miles away.

*

Gavin did everything
he could to hold himself together. His hands fisted in his pockets as he stared blindly out to the horizon. He couldn’t bear to look at her. She didn’t want him. The bottom line was, even though she’d said she hated her job and loved him back, she didn’t think that he, or the love and connection they’d found, were worth enough to take a huge risk. He’d thought her to be a strong woman, up for a challenge… and she likely was. Just not with him. That realization filled him with so much pain, all he could taste was bile. He wanted to crawl into a hole.

But he couldn’t leave her there on the beach. It wasn’t safe for a woman to be out there alone, for Chrissakes. He’d watched her stand in the moonlight, with stars sparkling overhead and the ocean swaying beyond her, and what that body of water represented… God help him, he loved this woman with all his heart. And at this time tomorrow, he’d be on the other side of that ocean, and they’d be living separate lives.

Now, the sounds of the heavy thumps of his heartbeat filled his ears along with the crashing waves, so he didn’t realize it at first when she’d finally spoken. She said his name again, and he turned to her. With a new pang, he saw her swipe at her cheeks and realized she’d been standing there crying, practically next to him, and he hadn’t even noticed. He’d been so caught up in his grief, he hadn’t been aware of hers. Shame made his face burn.

“I’m going back to the house,” she said.

Not knowing what else to say or do, he simply nodded and fell in step beside her. The awkward tension was painful, making the walk back up the beach, and the half block to the house, pure torture. He wanted to talk more, to do something, but what?

As soon as they were back inside, he turned to her, but she whispered, “Good night” and flew up the stairs. He stood frozen in the living room, the sound of her bedroom door closing sending a new jolt through his system and making him shudder.

It couldn’t end like this. Dammit, if he wasn’t leaving the next night, they’d have time to cool down, reassess, then talk. But they didn’t have that. Their time was up.

Insides churning, Gavin sighed and went to the kitchen, to the cabinet above the dishwasher where the hard liquor was stored. Taking out the bottle of Jameson’s, he got a glass and went out to the back deck. Joe was out for the night, Anna and Wren wouldn’t be home ’til almost sun-up. The adrenaline that had surged through him since he’d found the house empty and Toni gone had finally ebbed, leaving him bone weary. But he knew there was no way he’d be able to fall asleep. So he dropped onto a lounge chair, with the humid breezes, stars above, and the sound of the waves for company, and poured the first shot of whisky.

*

“Gavin?” It was
Anna’s voice, hands shaking him… “Gavin, wake up.”

Wincing, he opened one eye halfway. “Eh?”

“What are ya doin’ out here like this?” She stared down at him, her concern clear. “I come home from work to find you passed out like a plastered lush? What happened? This isn’t like ya, Gavvy.”

“Leave me be,” he grumbled.

“I’ll do no such thing. Ya don’t want to talk, that’s fine, but you’ll go sleep up in your bed. C’mon, get up.” She grabbed him by his hands, hauling him forward until he cooperated and got to his feet. “Let’s go, Doctor. Up to bed.”

“She doesn’t want me after all, Annie,” he said, the alcohol slurring his quiet, defeated words. “She doesn’t want me. Isss over.”

“You’re drunk,” she said dismissively. “And mad, too. She adores you.”

He shook his head as she walked with him to the sliding door. “No. We’re through. I think she ended us tonight. She wouldn’t talk anymore.”

“I’ll not hear any of this ’til you wake up in the mornin’ and are sober,” Anna said. She pulled the deck door closed and locked it behind him. “Then we’ll talk, and you’ll make sense. All right? Go to bed.”

“You’re a tough woman, Anna,” he said, ambling towards the stairs.

“Aye, and lucky for you,” she said sharply. “’Cause tomorrow I’m goin’ to kick your arse back into shape and figure out what you’re ramblin’ about. Go, good night.”

He shuffled up the stairs and paused, looking down the hall towards Toni’s room. Then his shoulders sagged, he turned the other way, and went to pass out in his own bed.