His Love (24 page)

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T
oni wouldn’t leave
the sanctuary of her room. She spent the morning lying in bed, thinking, crying, and thinking some more. Not that she’d slept well. She’d drifted in and out of restless light sleep, like she did whenever she was sick. But being heartsick felt even worse.

The scene on the beach with Gavin played over and over in her head, with her trying to pick it apart to analyze each word, each gesture. Maybe she’d misread him? Maybe she was so freaked out that she’d projected her fears onto him? He wouldn’t ask her to move to Ireland one minute and stop wanting her just because she said no. She’d hurt him, that was obvious, but she was hurting, too. Neither of them had meant to do it, but somehow they had. Not only because of different desires, but because of crossed wires—plain old miscommunication.

And if they weren’t communicating well now, when they were right there with one another, how were they going to do once they were on opposite sides of the Atlantic? Was this a bump in the road, or a sign of how things were going to be?

All she knew for sure was now it was Sunday morning, and he was leaving in about twelve hours. Whatever she decided, she had to decide right now. If only she could get out of her own way enough, past her own fears, to have a clearer idea of what to do, and what he truly wanted, too. But with the clock ticking away mercilessly, she felt pressured to make a fast decision, which had never been a strong suit of hers. That made her scared, which in turn made her angry. She’d lashed out and her brain had frozen, instead of keeping her head on straight.

But more than anything, she just felt sad. Things had been so good between them, so promising… and when Gavin made the sweetest, most romantic suggestions in the world, she’d slapped them down without even giving it a chance, hurting him in the process. Maybe pushing him away for good.

The truth was, as she thought about it all night and all morning, he was right. She wasn’t attached to her job. She could apply to that program. Moving to Ireland for a year didn’t mean she had to live there for the rest of her life if it didn’t work out. Nothing was carved in stone.

And they could be together. Which she wanted, more than she’d realized until he’d spoken of it. She loved him and trusted him and wanted to be with him.

So what was holding her back, really? Her fears. Fear, pride, maybe even plain stubbornness… Until she figured it out, she couldn’t commit to anything. It wasn’t fair to Gavin, and he’d been too good to her.

By the time she showered and went downstairs, it was past noon and she was starving. She entered the kitchen to find Anna, Joe, and Wren all sitting around the kitchen table. “Hi, guys,” she said as she headed right to the fridge.

“You okay?” Wren asked her.

“Fine.” They all knew she and Gavin had had a fight, she could see it on their faces and feel it in the air. She busied herself with cutting a bagel.

“Like hell you’re fine,” Anna said. “What happened with you two?”

“I don’t want to talk about it,” Toni murmured. “Especially with you, Anna. I’m sorry. It’s not right to put you in the middle.”

“Bloody hell,” Anna spat. “I’ve been your friend for how long? Yes, he’s my brother, but you think that means I don’t care about you, too?”

Toni’s eyes flew wide as she edged back unconsciously. “I… I know you do. I didn’t mean—”

“I know what ya meant, but screw that,” Anna said. “I love you both. Don’t be daft. All right?”

Toni nodded and put the sliced bagel into the toaster.

“Back off a little,” Joe said softly to Anna.

“They’re both like the walking wounded,” Anna said, “and he’s leaving tonight. We don’t have time to be usin’ kid gloves.”

Wren glanced at Toni with sad concern. “We just want to help if we can, is what she’s trying to say.”

Heaving a sigh, Toni leaned back against the counter and crossed her arms over her chest. “Is he here?”

“No,” Joe answered as he wiped his hands on a paper napkin. “He was hung over as hell, but wanted to borrow my bike. He left an hour ago.”

“I came home after work last night, five in the mornin’, and saw a light on in the kitchen.” Anna ran her fingers through her hair, playing with the ends. “Went in to shut it and saw my brother lying out on the deck, passed out on a lounge chair, with a half empty bottle of whisky beside him.”

Toni’s brows puckered and her mouth flattened into a thin line. She bit the insides of her lips to keep them closed.

“So I went out there, woke him up, and made him go up to his own bed. He was totally trousered.” Anna got to her feet, her hair in one hand and an elastic in the other. “He doesn’t go on benders unless he’s celebratin’ something or mourning it.” As she pulled it back into a short pony tail, she continued, “And he was ramblin’ on about how you don’t want him after all. That you and he are over.”

Toni felt the blood drain from her face as she whispered, “That’s not true.”

“Which part?” Anna asked. Her hands went to her hips as she stared Toni down.

“Hey,” Joe said softly, peering at Anna. “Take it easy.”

“I’m fine,” Toni said, but her voice felt small.

“No, you’re not,” Wren said. “It’s all over you. So talk to us.”

Toni’s eyes filled with tears. Suddenly, she had no appetite. Shaking her head, she walked out of the kitchen and went back up to her room.

Two minutes later, there was a knock on her door. “Toni, can I come in?” Anna sounded repentant. “I didn’t mean to come off like such a bloody shrew. Let me in, I need to hug ya and we need to talk. You need to talk to someone, woman. I’m here.”

Sniffling back her tears, Toni went to the door and opened it.

Anna stood before her, looking guilty. “Ah bloody hell, ya poor thing.” She took Toni into her embrace and held her.

Toni crumpled. “I do want him.” She sobbed. “But I don’t see how it’ll work. And then he was unbelievably sweet and took me off guard and asked me to move to Dublin and I freaked out and I ended up hurting him and I didn’t mean to and now he’s leaving and I fucked it all up.”

“Shhhh, shh shhhh.” Anna rubbed her friend’s back as she cried, then led her to sit on the bed. Anna handed Toni the box of tissues and commanded, “Breathe. Cry first, then talk. You’re a blubberin’ mess.”

Toni couldn’t help but laugh as she pulled out tissues. “You’re awesome, you know that?” She mopped at her face, took a few deep breaths, and calmed herself. Then she told Anna what had happened the night before.

At the end of it, Anna looked at her and asked flatly, “Well, it sounds to me like just a whole lot of overemotional mixed signals. You two need to sit down calmly and talk and it’d all get sorted, don’t ya think?”

“I don’t know,” Toni hedged. “I love him, Anna. I really do. But if we’re not going to live in the same country, how will it work? Seriously?”

Anna shrugged. “If you want it bad enough, ya take it one step at a time, that’s all. Makes sense to me. But not to you, apparently.”

“He wants me to move to Ireland!”

“For a short time. To see if you even like it.” Anna’s gaze roamed over her friend before she announced, “Jaysus, you’re scared shitless.”

Toni huffed out a laugh, but didn’t say anything.

“Know what?” Anna said. “You need more time to think. That’s all.”

“I don’t have more time. He’s leaving tonight.”

“I know. So what are you goin’ to do about it?”

“I can’t just pick up and leave my life here!” Toni cried, throwing up her hands.

“Why not? Seriously, I’m playin’ devil’s advocate. You hate your job. Hate it!” Anna said. “Since I’ve known you, you’ve never dated a man for more than three months. You don’t own a house, and you lease your car. Now you’ve found a bloody good man, who’s crazy in love with you, respects you enough to look into how to get the kind of career you want, and ya shot him down. That’s not about your life here, or him. It’s about
you
.” Her eyes narrowed as she leaned in. “Sweetie, you’ve coasted as long as we’ve been friends. Waffled. You don’t commit so you don’t get burned. I know what I’m talkin’ about, because I do the same bloody thing. That’s why I’m calling you on your bullshit, because I see it so clearly. Ya hear me? I get it.”

Toni was frozen where she sat.

The front door downstairs slammed, and Joe’s and Gavin’s voices floated up the stairs. Toni’s heart started to beat in thicker, heavier thumps.

“You don’t want him to commit to being with you long distance, that’s fine,” Anna said. “But don’t let him leave here feelin’ like dirt for trying. It’s his last day here, for Chrissake. Do that for him.”

Toni nodded. “You’re right.”

Anna grabbed her hands and squeezed, her blue eyes pinning her. “Whatever happens, you and I are friends. That doesn’t change. Ya got that?”

“Thank you,” Toni whispered, leaning in for a hug.

“Ah, ya numpty.” Anna hugged her back. “For what it’s worth,” she said into her hair, “I’ve never seen him as happy as he’s been in this short time with you. And I’ve never seen you so happy either. I’d really hate to see that end. For both your sakes.” She pulled back, offered a little smile, and said, “Don’t forget we’re goin’ out to dinner at five, his sendoff. You’re comin’ with us, like it or not. I’ll drag ya if I have to.”

“You won’t have to drag me.” Toni sniffled and wiped her eyes. “Go, you go, let me straighten myself up. I’ll be down soon.”

Anna stood, kissed the top of her head, and walked out. Toni heard her talking to Gavin in the hallway; he must have come up. She heard him say he needed a shower, they exchanged a little more patter, then she heard what must have been Anna’s footsteps going back down the stairs. She took a deep, cleansing breath, then stood and looked in the mirror and fixed her makeup. It was all smudged and smeared. With a groan, she grabbed a tissue to scrub under her eyes.

She loved him. She hated that he thought she didn’t want him after all, hated that with everything she had. She’d never wanted anyone in her life more than Gavin; that was one of the main reasons she was so confused and twisted up inside. Anna was right. She was scared shitless, pure and simple.

*

After a shower,
Gavin started to pack. He didn’t have a lot, but he did want to have it ready. His flight to Dublin departed from JFK at midnight, so he’d have to be there at nine-thirty, ten the latest. He made sure his passport, ticket, and wallet were together on the night stand as he mindlessly put his clothes in the suitcase.

Mindless. Going through the motions. Inside, he was both hurting and numb. Interesting paradox, that, he thought.

There was a soft knock at the door. “Hold on,” he called, putting the gifts he had taken out back inside the drawer, out of sight. Then he went to the door and opened it to find Toni standing there. She looked miserable, her eyes puffy and sad.

“You can’t leave like this,” she whispered. “We love each other.”

His heart seized as he said, “I thought it’s what you wanted. That you didn’t want to be with me and to just let it go.”

“God, no.” She shook her head and tears slipped from her eyes. “Why would you think that?”

“You wouldn’t talk to me.”

“Because I’m confused and I need time to think and I don’t have it.” She swallowed a sob. “You’re leaving in a few hours. This is it. And it’s killing me.”

He pulled her into his arms and hauled her against him, holding her tight. Crushing herself to him, she started to sob brokenly. He pulled her into his room, closed the door, and held her close, shushing her to soothe her.

“I’m so sorry,” she said between sobs, crumpled against him. “I didn’t want our last night together to be like last night. Or this now.”

“Neither did I,” he said, rubbing her back. “I’m sorry, too.”

“You have nothing to apologize for,” she insisted. “It was all me.”

“No, it wasn’t. I sprung all that on you—”

“And it was wonderful!” she cried, pulling back enough to look up at him. “You’re thoughtful and romantic and kind and—”

“And I took you off guard with some major things to think about,” he said, wiping her wet cheeks with tender swipes of his fingers. “I shouldn’t have. Not last night. I should have let things go for a while,
then
brought that up. I just didn’t… I didn’t want to let you go, at all. Or to leave without you knowing how much you mean to me, and trying to make something work for us.”