His Love (25 page)

She cried harder. “I don’t want you to leave either. This is horrible.”

“But it doesn’t have to be
over
, Toni. And you’re acting like it does. That’s what concerns me.” His hands rubbed her back, her hair. “I thought you ended us last night.”

“I thought maybe I should,” she admitted in a creaky voice. “I mean, it’s going to be so hard. Different countries, different time zones. Finding ways to talk, or visit… I just don’t know…”

Something in him stiffened, twisting his insides. He pulled back and gripped her shoulders. “If you don’t believe in us, you need to tell me that now.” His stare was unyielding, searching. “I understand fear, and I know it’s going to be hard. But I’m willing. If
you
don’t believe we can do this, or want to, then you need to tell me. I need to know the truth.”

She looked back into his eyes, anxiety flooding her. Maybe he was right, and letting him go now was the right thing to do. If she was hesitating, there had to be a reason, right? But she didn’t want it to be over. She’d never been so confused in her damn life. Why had her brain just totally short circuited in the past twenty four hours? She only knew one thing for sure. “I love you.”

“I love you, too. But do you think we can make this work?”

“I don’t
know
.”

“I don’t either. Let me rephrase. Do you
want
to?”

“Gavin!” Anna’s shout resounded through the house. “Toni! Time to go. Dinner’s a-waitin’! We’re all here at the door.”

They stared at each other.

“Maybe I shouldn’t go to dinner,” she whispered, sniffling hard and wiping her face. “I’m a wreck, and I’m making a mess of everything. Jesus, I don’t know myself right now.”

He shook his head, pushing her hair back from her face. “I’m a wreck, too, believe me.” He leaned down and pressed his lips to hers, and they kissed with such sweetness it made him ache. “Come to dinner,” he whispered against her lips. “Please. I want you with me as much as possible before I leave. I don’t want to waste another minute of our time together. I don’t care if you’re a soggy mess. I just want you next to me.”

She whimpered, obviously moved, then gave him a lingering kiss. “Okay, Doc. I’ll come to dinner. Give me two minutes to clean up my face.”

“Your face is fine,” he said with unabashed affection, his eyes travelling over her features. “Gorgeous and stunning and perfect.” He stared, trying to memorize every beautiful detail. Because something told him after tonight, he might not ever see her face in person again.

‡

T
oni stared out
the window of the car, the lights of houses and stores blurring by as they drove over the Atlantic Beach Bridge to Kennedy Airport. Joe drove, Anna sat in the passenger seat, and Toni was curled tightly into Gavin’s side in the back seat, forcing herself not to cry. Their fingers lay intertwined in his lap and he rested his head against hers, sometimes tipping her face up for a kiss in between the banter he traded with Joe and his sister.

Dinner had been fine, even fun. The five of them had enjoyed a good time despite the sad yearning that Toni made herself swallow. After, they all went down to the beach for a short walk by the ocean before it was time for Gavin to leave. Wren said her goodbye then and went to work; Anna had told her boss she’d be in around nine-thirty or ten. Gavin went upstairs to get his things, Toni swallowed back the emotions that were threatening to drown her, and the four of them left for the airport.

Now, as the music played and the wind blew warm into the windows with Gavin’s strong solidness next to her, she could pretend everything would be fine. But she knew better. She’d never answered his last question, and though he was also putting on a good show that all was well, she knew it bothered him. She
felt
it. But she wouldn’t lie to make him feel better. She couldn’t say the words to make him feel better if she wasn’t sure they were true.

She had a lot to think about.

She listened as Gavin and Anna talked about what his new job would be like, going into pediatrics. They talked about their family, and about Ireland, and about when Gavin would come at Christmas to see Sean and the new baby… and then, too quickly, they were at the airport. Joe found his way through the maze of roads to the terminal where Aer Lingus was and pulled up to the curb. The security people waving at and directing cars eyed them briefly but let them be, seeing they were dropping off a passenger. It was crowded and busy, with people on the sidewalk all pulling suitcases and heading to the doors, but it was always crowded and busy. It was New York.

Gavin pulled his suitcase and duffel bag from the trunk and set them on the sidewalk. First he and Joe embraced briefly, clapping each other on the back and exchanging goodbyes. Joe tossed a wink at Toni before going back around to get in the driver’s seat. Anna grabbed her brother and hugged him tight. Toni watched them whisper to each other, then Anna gave him a kiss on the cheek and he gave the ends of her blue-tipped hair a gentle tug.

“Thanks again,” he said. “For everything.”

“My pleasure.” She smiled. “I’m so glad you had a good holiday.”

“Ya know I did,” he told her.

“Got your passport?”

“Right here.” Gavin tapped the side pocket of his duffel bag. “Be good, Annie.”

“Aye, you too. See you at Christmas. Hug Ma and Da for me.” She glanced over at her friend before she got in the car.

Gavin turned to look at Toni. She let her eyes roam over him, imprinting him to memory. Tall and handsome, dark blond hair that now had gold highlights from all his time in the sun, jeans that hung low on his narrow hips, blue T-shirt that brought out his gorgeous eyes behind those glasses… oh, how she loved his eyes. And that smile.

“Listen,” she said. “No matter what happens, I need you to know I’ve been happier with you than any other man in my life. That I’ll never forget our time together these past few weeks. And that I love you. If I make you doubt anything else, never doubt that. Okay?”

His stare intensified and a muscle jumped in his tight jaw. “Why does that sound like a forever goodbye instead of a see-you-in-a-few-months goodbye?” he asked in a low voice.

“Because I don’t know what will happen,” she whispered. “I’m just… being realistic, Gavin.”

He stepped right up to her, so close his chest brushed against her breasts. “I’ve said it all. I’ve done what I could. You know how I feel, what I want.” He exhaled a long, deep breath. “I’m not going to stop loving you, Toni. And I’m not going to give up on us. But there’s only so much I can do now. So, I suppose, it’s really up to you.”

“You’re putting it all on me?” she asked, incredulous.

“No. But let’s face it: I’m the one who’s clear on what I want, and what I’m willing to do to make us work. You’re not.” His gaze flickered over her face. “When you figure it out, you know where to find me. Until then, I’ll give ya some space.”

Her stomach twisted. On one hand, he was giving her what she’d pretty much asked for. On the other hand, it sounded like she was losing him.

“I’ll be quite busy with startin’ pediatrics in September,” he said. “Which is good, because all I’ll be able to think about is you.” He pulled her to him, one arm around her waist, one hand fisted in her hair, and gave her a deep, long, passionate kiss. She clung to him, kissing him back, holding him as tight as she could.

“We’ll talk soon,” he promised. “Okay?”

She nodded, her throat too thick to speak.

“All right, then.” He kissed her once more, then released her and stepped back. Removing the ticket and passport from the side pocket of the duffel bag, he slung it over his shoulder and grabbed the handle of his suitcase. He looked down at her one last time. “This summer fling was perfect,” he said, his voice husky. “You’re the best thing that’s happened to me in a very long time. I love you, Antonella Josefina. More than you can imagine.”

Her tears welled and spilled over in seconds. “I love you, too.”

His mouth curved in a sad half-grin, then he turned and walked away, pulling the wheeled suitcase behind him. She watched as he disappeared into the large glass doors of the terminal.

Her heart thumping rapidly, Toni swiped away the tears and got into the car.

“You okay?” Anna asked gently.

“Of course not,” Toni said, her voice like gravel. She took a deep breath and sank back against the seat. Joe played the music loud so she wouldn’t have to talk with them.

Soon, they were back at the house. Toni stared up at the place she’d called home for over three years. She didn’t want to go inside. Dragging her feet, she went up the stairs, into the house, and sure enough, it felt empty now, knowing Gavin was gone. The ache of it filled her, flooding her head and her heart, but she swallowed it back.

“Anyone want a drink?” Joe asked.

“I have to get to work soon,” Anna said, checking her watch. “Bloody hell, it’s almost ten already. I’m going to get changed.” She shot up the stairs.

“Toni?” Joe looked over to her, sitting in a lump on the loveseat. “Drink?”

“Hell, yes. Please.” She reached for the remote control.

“Beer or wine?”

“Wine. Thanks.”

As Joe disappeared into the kitchen, and Toni turned on the TV, she realized she had to go to work too, bright and early tomorrow morning. The familiar dread threaded through her veins along with the melancholy that was already there. Back to her normal life, the way it’d been a month ago…

Which she’d been pretty unsatisfied with before Gavin McKinnon ever walked into her house, and into her heart. How was she supposed to go back to that now?

She went up the stairs, down to the tiny room at the end of the hall where Gavin had stayed, and pushed open the door. It was dark and empty. The bed was stripped, the room devoid of any hint of him. A shard of sadness pierced her. Heaving a sigh, she decided she wanted to change into one of the three T-shirts he’d left her with. She’d asked him if she could keep them to have reminders of him, and he’d gladly given them to her. Suddenly, she needed more than anything to wear the light blue one he’d left on her chair two days ago, the one that was the same color of his eyes and probably still smelled like him.

She opened the door to her room and stopped cold, gasping. Laid out on her bed were two small wrapped gifts, and a manila envelope with her name on it.

Flooded with longing and curiosity, she sat on the edge of the mattress. First she reached for the envelope, pulling out a thicker sheath of papers than the one he’d offered her before. The note clipped to it was written in Gavin’s obviously European scrawl.

Toni, my beautiful sweetheart.

Please look at all of this again, now that I’m not there to make you feel pressured while you do. The postgraduate program has your name all over it. You’d excel in it, and I think you’d love Trinity. I know you’d love Dublin, and the Irish countryside. If I wasn’t part of the picture, I strongly believe that given the opportunity, you’d love to do this. Isn’t that the truth?

So, whether you want to be with me or not, you really should consider this, Toni. Not to make me happy, but to make
you
happy. That’s all I want for you, now and always.

G. xx

Toni could hear his deep, lyrical voice as she read the note, and did so three more times before putting it down on the bed. Then she looked through the papers. This time, there weren’t only printouts about Trinity College’s art history postgraduate program, but about Dublin’s famed architecture, its art galleries and museums, its cultural history… it all appealed to her. Hell, it more than appealed to her, it
called
to her.

She had to admit that Gavin was right. Just on its own, without ever having met him, the program was the kind of thing she’d jump at if given the chance. It
did
have her name all over it. So going there, doing that—the part about also being with him would be the bonus. Not the cake itself, but the delicious, sweet icing on top of it. Her being in a fantastic city like Dublin while pursuing her dreams for her future,
that
was the cake. The whole of it together was the sweetest thing life had to offer her… and she’d shot it down without giving it a real chance. She’d shot it all to hell.

Slowly, she reached for the smaller of the two boxes. She opened it to find the dazzling butterfly pendant she’d lusted after in the Met gift shop, the one that matched the earrings he’d bought her to remember their wonderful day there together. Her mouth fell open as she stared at the magnificent piece. When—
how
had he bought it without her seeing him do that? Much less that he’d gotten it for her at all…

“Oh, honey,” she whispered, running her fingertip along the patterns on the delicate wings. With shaking hands, she undid the clasp and secured the necklace around her neck. Her eyes slipped closed as she pressed the butterfly to her skin, to her heart, which was close to bursting.

Then she opened the second box, this time unable to hold back the tiny cry that escaped her mouth. Astounded, she pulled out the petite, decorative blue Fabergé egg she’d pointed out to him that same day. Her heart pounded wildly in her chest and her blood raced through her limbs, firing through her veins with heat as she opened it. Inside was a folded piece of paper. When she picked it up, a key slipped out of the note into her lap. She looked at the simple old key, wondering what it went to, where it belonged. Unfolding the paper, she saw Gavin had written: