Holding On (12 page)

She nodded, her teeth chattering.

The door swung open, and another nurse entered the room carrying a stack of blankets. “Nice and warm,” she said as she placed one over Marienne’s chest.

“Why is she so cold?” Daniel asked.

“It’s the epidural. Don’t worry. She’ll warm up in a few minutes.” The nurse positioned a clear plastic tube beneath Marienne’s nose. “It’s just oxygen, sweetie, slow deep breaths. You’ll be fine.”

“I know.” Marienne’s voice shook, but the shivering had lessened. “This is my second C-section. It’s his first, though.” Her teeth chattered once more. “He might need the oxygen more than me.”

The nurse laughed. “Don’t worry. We take good care of Dads too.” She patted Daniel’s shoulder then raised a sheet and clamped it to the poles on either side of the bed.

“It’s so I can’t watch,” Marienne said.

Daniel nodded.
Oh God. They’re going to be cutting her open
. He took a deep breath. The mask over his face filtered out some of the hospital smell, but it was still there. Marienne squeezed his hand. He rubbed his thumb across her wrist. She was definitely feeling warmer.

Dr. Tyler swept into the room. “Okay, Marienne, you ready?”

Marienne nodded.

“How about you Daniel? You doing okay?”

“Yes.”

“Good, let’s meet this baby of yours.”

Daniel tried to block out everything other than Marienne’s face. He kept one hand tightly around hers and stroked her forehead with the other. Her eyes stayed locked on his. Intense. Focused.

“Marienne, you’re going to feel a lot of pressure now.”

Marienne gripped his hand with increased ferocity. Her eyes clamped shut. Daniel’s heart raced even faster. He was the one shaking now. The room was silent except for the monitors and the sound of his heart beating in his ears. Then he heard the most amazing sound he could imagine. A baby crying. His baby. He held his breath.

“Here he is,” Dr. Tyler said.

Did she say he?

“Congratulations, you have a beautiful son.”

A son. We have a son.

Marienne opened her eyes. “It’s a boy?” she asked.

Daniel nodded. Tears clouded his eyes. Marienne’s hand was still gripping his so tightly his fingers were starting to go numb.

“Here he is.” A nurse swept in between them, showing them both the tiny, squirming bundle. His face was bright red and he was still crying. “Quite a set of lungs he’s got.”

“He’s okay?” Daniel asked.

“He’s perfect. Why don’t you come with us while we get him cleaned up a bit. The doctor will finish up with Marienne now.”

Daniel looked down at her. Tears were running down both sides of her face. He swept his thumb beneath each eye, kissing her through his mask. “You did it.”

“We did it.” Her voice sounded hazy. “We made a baby.” Her eyes drifted shut.

He shot a look at the nurse who was adjusting her IV bag. “She’s just drowsy. Nothing to worry about. Come. Let’s get you your baby.” She placed her hand on Daniel’s arm.

“I’ll see you soon.” He bent and gave Marienne another cloth covered kiss.

“Andrew.” She murmured.

“Yes. Our son.”

****

Daniel watched as they cleaned and weighed Andrew and took his footprints. They wrapped him tightly in a small blue blanket.

“Ready to hold your son?” The nurse held the bundle out toward him.

Daniel couldn’t take his eyes off the tiny pink face. He nodded and held out his arms.
So small. So warm.
He cradled him, rocking back and forth.

“You’re a natural at this.” The nurses tucked the blanket down away from the baby’s mouth. “Is there anyone in the waiting room you need to show this new boy off to? Or should I take you to Marienne’s room to wait for her.”

“The room is fine, thanks.” He felt a sharp pang as he said the words. There was no one in the waiting room. Tears stung the back of his eyes. Ever since he’d found out that Marienne was pregnant he’d been thinking about his mother. How happy she would have been to know that he was going to be a father. Now that the baby was here, the reality hit him hard. The one person he most wanted to tell wasn’t there to share his joy. He hoped that somehow she knew anyway.

“Have a seat, Daddy. Marienne should be in recovery for a little while then they’ll bring her in.”

“Can I see her, in recovery?”

“If you’d like, sure. Just press this button.” She picked up the small plastic tube that was attached to the bed rail. “That’ll call a nurse to take the baby to the nursery.”

“Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.” She smiled. “You got a name picked out yet?”

“Yes, Andrew. Marienne wants to call him Drew.”

“Drew. I like that. Congratulations.” She patted his shoulder then turned and left the room.

Daniel rocked back and forth in the chair. Drew squirmed, his tiny arms making their way free from the blanket. He whimpered then managed to get his hand to his mouth. He sucked his fingers hard.

“That’s what you were doing when your mum and I saw pictures of you.” Daniel crossed his legs and lay Drew across them, unwrapping the blanket to get a better look at him. Ten tiny red toes, ten long pink fingers. One bizarre looking belly button clamp sticking out of the cutaway part of the tiny diaper. Drew flailed his limbs around, still sucking. His hand slipped out of his mouth, and he started to cry.

“Okay,” Daniel said, trying to wrap the blanket back around him. The kicking legs made it impossible for him to tuck it all in properly.
How did Marienne always manage to get Ella wrapped so perfectly?
He tried again, doing a makeshift tuck and fold. He held Drew to his shoulder and stood up. His head smelled wonderful, like warm buttered bread. Drew shrieked, and Daniel started pacing back and forth. “You’re okay.” He rubbed his tiny back through the blanket and kissed the side of his velvety head. “I know, you miss your mum. I do too.” Drew quieted as he talked. Daniel swayed from side to side. “Let’s go see if we can see mummy yet.”

****

It’s a boy. We have a son
. Marienne repeated the words over and over. Her eyelids were so heavy she couldn’t lift them but she could hear everything around her. The bed she was lying on was moving, wheeling down a hallway. She heard doors swing past each other. Someone touched her arm, taping down the IV tubes.

“How you feeling Marienne?” a soft voice asked.

Her eyes fluttered open and she saw a small, grey-haired nurse checking the monitor alongside her bed.

“Okay.” Her voice was thick and slow. “Where’s my husband? Where’s the baby?”

“I don’t know, sweetie. I’ll go check for you. If you need something you push this button.” She placed something in Marienne’s hand and closed her fingers around it. “I’ll be back in a minute.”

Marienne nodded, her eyes drifting closed again. When she opened them, Daniel was walking toward her.

“Is he okay?” she asked, searching his face.

He smiled and she relaxed.

“He’s beautiful.” He bent and kissed her, running his hand over her hair. “You’re beautiful.”

She snorted then winced. The epidural was beginning to wear off, and she was feeling very sore.

“Are you okay?” Daniel’s eyes darkened. “Do you want me to get the nurse?”

“I’m fine. It just hurts.”

“I’m sorry. What can I do?”

“Just sit with me. I’m so glad you’re here.”

“Of course I’m here.” He rubbed her arm. “Where else would I be?”

Tears started streaming from her eyes. A huge lump formed in her throat and she couldn’t speak.

“Don’t cry.” His fingers wiped at her tears. “Are you in that much pain?”

She shook her head. Her lip quivered. She turned her face and kissed his hand. “When Ella was born I was so scared, and I was all alone. I’m glad I wasn’t alone this time.”

“I’m glad too.” He picked up her IV free hand and kissed it. “Hey, where are your rings?”

“They make you take them off in case your fingers swell up too much.”

Daniel furrowed his brow. “I thought maybe it was in case some attractive young intern came in…”

Marienne laughed. “Well, that too.”

“I figured as much.” He settled himself into the chair alongside her bed. “Looks like I better stay right here, just in case.”

Chapter Sixteen

Daniel was in the middle of reading Ella a fourth bedtime story when he noticed she’d finally fallen asleep. He stayed extra still for a moment to make sure she was really out. Her breathing was slow and steady. Her nose still rattled slightly from the aftermath of her cold. He inched off the bed, careful not to shake it enough to wake her. She looked peaceful, her arm wrapped around her black teddy bear, mouth open so she didn’t have to rely on breathing through her nose. He pulled the blanket up around her and dimmed her bedside light then quietly closed her bedroom door.

The television was flickering in his bedroom, but Marienne was fast asleep, two-week-old Drew on her lap. His hand was still on her breast, a tiny white trail of milk ran from the corner of his lips. He looked completely content. Marienne looked exhausted. Her skin was milky white with shadowy blue areas beneath her eyes. He knew she needed more sleep than she was getting.

Daniel bent down and lifted Drew off her lap. She woke with a start.

“Sorry,” Daniel said, his voice hushed. “Go back to sleep I’m just putting Drew in his cradle. He’s fine.”

Daniel swayed the bundle back and forth before lowering him into the crib.
Please stay asleep.
Drew’s legs jerked twice within the blanket, but then he settled.
Good.
Daniel breathed a sigh of relief.

He got undressed and crawled into bed alongside Marienne. He thought she was asleep again, but as soon as he got into bed, she slid over, snuggling against his chest. He kissed the back of her head. Her hair was tangled from being against the pillow but she smelled wonderful. She ran her hand back and forth across his belly.

Daniel closed his eyes, loving the feel of her hands on him. It had been weeks since they’d had sex, and they still had to wait a while longer until they would have the green light from the doctor. Besides, she’d been so exhausted he was sure she wasn’t even thinking of sex. If she managed to stay awake what he needed to do was talk to her. He still hadn’t had a chance to discuss Dartmouth with her, and the deadline was looming close.

He rubbed his lips against her hair, breathing in her scent. As his nose grazed her ear, he asked. “Are you awake?”

“Mmmhmmm.” Her hand continued its lazy path across him, distracting him with each pass.

“I need to talk to you about something.”

Her hand stilled and her body stiffened.

****

Marienne twisted to sit up too quickly, and her incision pulled and stung. “Owww.” Her hand went to her belly. It smarted for several seconds then lessened to a dull ache.

“Are you all right?” Daniel sat up beside her, his hand atop hers. His eyes were black with concern.

“I just moved too fast. I’m fine.”

“Here.” He propped pillows behind her. “Lie back. Do you need more pillows? Shall I get you Tylenol?”

“I’m fine.” Her heart was still pounding from his saying “I need to talk.”
What does he need to tell me? Please nothing bad.
She was too tired to deal with anything bad.
Please don’t tell me you’ve been with someone else. I know we haven’t been able to have sex, but please…Not like Frank
…Her eyes filled with tears.

“What’s wrong? Are you in that much pain? Should I call the doctor?” Daniel’s eyes darted between hers.

“No, I’m okay.” She took a deep breath, feeling it catch in her throat. “What do you need to talk to me about?” The fluttering in her chest grew even faster.

“Well.” He paused and looked down.

Oh my God
. She plucked her fingers against the edge of the blanket so fast she wound up with a big poof of fluff in her hand.

“Do you remember me telling you a while back that Arnold had asked if I might be interested in a position at Dartmouth?”

Arnold? Dartmouth? That doesn’t sound like an affair
. “Yeah, something about people retiring in his department.”

Daniel nodded. “Well it seems it’s official. They are both leaving. And Arnold has offered me a spot.”

Marienne let her body relax.
This was about work—not another woman. Thank God.
She felt guilty for being so quick to doubt Daniel.

“Initially I was thinking the idea was ludicrous. But after all the trouble I had getting to you when Drew was born, I started considering it. I don’t like being so far from you and the kids all the time. The commute takes up hours of my day that I’d rather have to spend with you, and the way things have been going at NYU, I’m not at all certain how secure my position is.”

“Are you saying you’re considering the Dartmouth offer?” Marienne was shocked. She’d never thought about moving.