Holding On (44 page)

I jumped back, not expecting anyone to be there, and dropped
my phone
as
Brad
wrapped
his
arms
around
me
and
pulled
me
in
tight.
I could
feel
him
shaking
a
little
and
realized
that
he
really
was
scared
that he lost
me.

I knew that he needed to be held more than I did, so I wrapped
my arms around him the best I could and squeezed. He squeezed me
back, and I let out a little chuckle. Everything was going to be just
fine.

I felt him pull
away,
and as I got a look at his face, I could see
that he’d
been
worried.
He
was
frowning
at
me,
and
his
eyes
were
filled
with concern. I gave him a tentative smile, and I could feel his body relax
a little
against
mine.
His
face
went
from
concerned
to
serious,
with
a
hint of anger lurking under the surface. The change in his demeanor
made me want to take a step back, but I was holding my
ground.

“I’m
sorry
if
I
worried
you.
I
fell
asleep.”
I
said
hoping
that
an apology would help to turn this situation
around.

“
Worried
doesn’t
even
begin
to
cover
how
I
was
feeling.
I
called your
mom.
I
called
your
dad.
I
even
called
Ethan.
I
was
freaking
out. Then
I
found
your
water
bottle
at
the
tennis
courts,
and
I
really
started
to think that something had happened.”  Brad hollered. He was talking
so
fast that when he stopped, I didn’t realize that I was staring at him
still.

His eyes were full of anger, lust, and passion.
That’s
when I
knew that I needed to break free of his hold immediately, but I was unable
to move.
My
legs
wouldn’t
cooperate
with
my
brain.
My
body
was
leaning forward before my brain could pull it back. The moment our lips met, I
knew
that
I
was
in
trouble.
It
was
an
innocent
kiss
until
Brad
took control of the situation, and then it was anything but innocent.
Crap!

When I started to wake up, I couldn’t help but snuggle closer to
the warmth.
I
scooted
backward
and
found
myself
encased
by
it.
The body heat he was giving off was enough to keep us both warm, and
last night it
had.

After our innocent kiss turned more
passionate
, I was able to
calm myself down and get the situation under control. After we both took
a moment
to
get
our
hormones
in
check,
we
lay
down
and
talked
for
most of the night. About the time Brad was breaking
curfew,
I fell asleep
in his arms, and that was where I ended up staying.
We
were on top of
the sheets,
and
the
door
was
open.
I
realize
that
the
situation
looked
bad,
but it was very innocent in
nature.

I
was
going
to
tell
Brad
everything
as
soon
as
he
woke
up.
I
needed to
get
my
feelings
and
concerns
off
my
chest.
I
needed
to
be
honest
with
him
about
how
I
felt.
I
didn’t
want
to
hurt
him,
but
I
was
also
hurting right now because I really wasn’t sure what I wanted anymore.
When I’m with Brad it feels right but when I’m with Ethan it feels right too.
I want
both
of
them
in
my
life
in
one
way
or
another
and
I
was
afraid
that if I didn’t make a decision soon that I would lose both of
them.

“What are you thinking about that you look so serious this early
in the morning?” Brad
asked.

The
sound
of
his
voice
brought
me
back
to
reality.
I
was
just
thinking about how incredibly crazy this situation was. Did I really want to tell him that?

“Nothing
really.
I was just thinking.” I said.
You
could hear the uncertainty I was feeling as I
spoke.

“I don’t buy it. I know you a little better than that, and by the
look on your face, you were deep in
thought.”

“I
was,
but
it’s
nothing
to
be
concerned
about.”
Now
I
was
lying to Brad. If I was being truthful all around, I would admit I was lying
to myself. There were plenty of things to be concerned
about.

“Well,
whenever you’re ready to confess, I will be here to
listen.” He
shifted
his
body
so
that
he
was
propped
up
on
one
elbow.
I
knew
that he
could
see
my
face,
so
lying
was
no
longer
an
option.
“By
the
look in your eyes you need to get something off your chest. Care to
share?”

He knew me too well. I definitely needed to get something off
my chest, but I had no idea where to start. How could I tell him how I
felt until
I
could
really
decide
how
I
felt?
I
needed
time
to
figure
it
out.
I needed
time
alone,
without
Brad
hovering
over
me
the
way
he
was
right
now.
I needed time without his arm wrapped protectively around
my waist.
I
needed
time
without
his
close
proximity
making
my
head
foggy with the wonderful smell of
him.

I
moved
to
sit
up
and
swung
my
legs
over
the
side
of
the
bed.
“I need to think about some things before I share them with anyone else.
I have to know what
I
want
first.”

His silence told me that he was reading into what I was saying
and that
he
knew
exactly
what
I
needed
to
figure
out.
I
expected
no
less
from him. He understood me better than I understand myself some days
and knowing that he’d give me as much space as I needed only
confirmed how well he knew
me.

I knew that our kiss last night allowed some of his
currently expressed feelings to fly
freely.
I had a choice to make. I could tell
him to
reel
his
feelings
back
in,
and
we
could
move
on
like
before.
Or
I
could tell him the exact opposite…

I
needed
to
figure
this
out
quickly.
My
vacation
was
halfway
over;
I was
leaving
in
ten
days,
and
by
the
time
I
leave,
I
need
know
what
I
want,
who I want. That was not a lot of time to figure out much of
anything.
With
Brad here and Ethan far
away,
the choice could be swayed in
his favor, but soon I would be back home, and the choice could be
swayed
the
other
way.
What
I
really
needed
was
a
vacation
from
my
vacation
so
that I had time to
think.

I
covered
my
face
with
my
hands
and
spoke
softly.
“I
think
I
am going to go to my grandparents’ cabin this weekend.” I wanted him to know
where
I
was
at
because
I
didn’t
want
him
to
worry.
The
hesitation in my voice told him that I was feeling out the
situation.

“Do you want company, or is this a trip you want to take
alone?” Brad asked with
sincerity.

Good. He got the message loud and
clear.

“I
think
I’m
gonna
head
up
there
alone.
I’ll
bring
a
couple
of
books and
my
Wi-Fi
card
so
that
I
can
have
some
contact
with
the
outside world. I just need a few days to myself to sort through everything
that’s
swimming in my
brain.”

“I
get
it,
I
really
do,
but
can
you
at
least
take
your
sister
so
that you’re not out there alone in the middle of
nowhere?”

The
last
time
I
went
to
my
grandparents’
cabin
was
with
Brad.
We
had
decided
to
camp
on
their
land
deep
in
the
woods
to
make
it seem
more
real.
I
had
only
lasted
about
an
hour
in
the
darkness
before
I begged
Brad
to
take
me
back
to
the
safety
of
the
cabin.
Every
noise
had been accentuated by the eerie silence, and I had freaked
out.

“I’ll
ask
her,
but
I
don’t
know
if
she’ll
want
to
go.
She’s
been attached at the hip to Kel since we got back, and I don’t know if I’ll
be able to separate
them.”

“Then
take
them
both.
There’s
a
lake
up
there,
right?
Take
your
suit
and go swimming, relax a little, and then come back here to me for
the last
few
days.”
He
was
pleading
with
me,
and
I
didn’t
need
to
look
at
his face to know that he was disappointed that I wouldn’t be around for
the last weekend of my
vacation.

“Maybe
I
will.
I
need
to
hop
in
the
shower.
Will
you
still
be
here when I get
out?”

“Do you want me to
be?”