Holding On (54 page)

“Hey, Mom’s
calling me. Can I call you back later tonight?”

“Why
don’t
you
call
me
Monday
when
you
get
home
from
practice? I
sent
you
something
today,
and
I
want
to
be
on
the
phone
with
you when you get
it.”

It
had
been
like
this
for
almost
a
month.
We’d
talk
for
five
minutes, then
“Call
you
tomorrow”
or
“Call
you
next
week.”
I
could
feel
the ground crumbling under our friendship, and there was nothing I
could do
to
stop
it.
I
really
did
want
to
talk
to
him,
to
know
how
he
was
doing. I still cared about him—I always will. I just couldn’t do it right
now.

“Sounds good.
Talk
to you then.” I flipped over to my
mom’s
call without waiting for him to
reply.
“What’s up,
Mom?”

“Are you on your way home yet?” Mom asked sounding
irritated that I was not home
already.

“I should be there in about ten minutes.
Why?”

“Just wondering. Dinner should be done by
then.”

“Great.”
I
tried
to
put
a
little
enthusiasm
in
my
voice,
but
I
knew that I failed miserably. “See you in a minute
then.”

I needed to think about something else right
now.
Ethan, no.
That would
be
depressing.
I
could
call
Brad
back,
but
I
still
didn’t
want
to talk
about
Ethan
and
he
would
want
to.
Wait.
Did
he
say
that
he
was sending me something? I’d have to ask him when I call him
later.
I
was
dreaming about what he could have possibly sent me as I pulled in
the driveway and hustled through the front
door.
The smell of
enchiladas brought me back to
reality.

What was I really celebrating? I made another elite tennis team?
I had done this before. I was starting college? Not
really,
it was only
two classes.
There
wasn’t
much
to
celebrate,
and
I
wasn’t
in
the
mood
to celebrate.

I
rounded
the
corner,
fully
intent
on
telling
my
mom
how
I
felt, when I stopped in my tracks and my breath caught in my throat.
What was he doing
here?

“You’re
mom invited me over for dinner. I hope you don’t
mind.” Ethan
said,
his
voice
dropping
a
few
octaves
as
he
looked
me
up
and down like I was on the menu
tonight.

Mind? Why would I
mind?

“Um…no.
How?
Here?
What?”
I
stuttered.
I
was
making
no
sense.
I didn’t know what I wanted to ask, but I knew that I had a shit load
of questions.

“How?
That’s
easy.
I
drove.
Here?
It
looks
like
I’m
here.
What?
I’m not sure how to answer that
one.”

The grin on his face caused me to smile. He was teasing me.
I rushed
into
his
arms,
and
it
felt
like
his
body
swallowed
me
whole.
How
was
it
possible
that
just
over
twelve
hours
ago
I
was
wallowing,
and now here he was standing in front of
me?

“What are you doing here?” I finally got a full sentence out
before his mouth captures mine in the most intense kiss we’ve ever shared.
It was the most intense kiss I’ve ever
had.

“Well,
going
to
school
at
the
U
has
its
privileges.
One
of
them
is
that I
can
see
you
whenever
I
want.”
He
leaned
forward
and
pressed
a
kiss
to my
neck
before
whispering
in
my
ear.
“I
told
you
to
trust
me.
I
promised we would see each other soon, and I always keep my
promises.”

As
I
pulled
away
from
his
embrace
I
realized
that
he’s
wearing
a U t-shirt. I was so caught up in showing him how I felt last night that
I forgot to make him tell me what college he finally chose. He had
been avoiding talking about it all week, and I hadn’t pushed for an
answer.

“You’re
going to the U? Why? What made you chose
them?”

“Well,
their
team
is
great.
All
the
teams
were
great,
though.
It
came down
to
the
one
thing
that
I
didn’t
want
to
live
without.”
He
was
staring
straight
at
me,
and
when
our
eyes
met,
I
knew
I
was
that
one
thing. “When
you
were
at
your
dad’s,
you
were
the
only
thing
I
could
think
of. I went to all those camps, and you were the one thing that was
missing. I didn’t choose the U, Becca—I chose
you.”

I took a deep breath and took in every word he just said.
He
chose me.
“What about your scholarship?” I closed my eyes, fearing that
he gave up a scholarship for
me.

“They were one of the three I had to choose from.
It’s
a full
ride.”

I
could
feel
his
breath
on
my
neck.
I
knew
that
he
was
going
to
kiss me
before
it
happened,
and
I
couldn’t
suppress
the
smile
that
was
going to become permanently plastered on my face. I reached out and
found his nipple ring and gave it a little tug, knowing that I could get him
to moan. It was so soft that I was the only one that could hear
it.

I
needed
to
say
something
before
I
lost
the
nerve.
I
could
feel
the
air rush from my chest as the words slipped past my
tongue.

“I love
you.”

“I love you too,
gorgeous.”

I
wasn’t
sure
if
my
mom
and
sister
could
hear,
but
at
that
moment,
I really
didn’t
care.
The
only
thing
I
cared
about
was
kissing
him,
so
I
did.

Our
perfect
moment
was
interrupted
by
the
loud
ringing
coming from
my
pocket.
I
pulled
back
and
rested
my
forehead
on
his,
but
I kept my eyes closed. I didn’t need to look at him to know what he
was feeling right now—I felt it
too.

As
soon
as
my
phone
stopped,
I
could
hear
my
mom’s
cell
start
ringing
in
the
other
room.
My
body
became
immediately
alert
that something
was
wrong,
and
I
was
looking
at
my
screen
as
I
heard
her answer.

Brad’s
mom? Oh my god.
What’s
going on?

I immediately
grabbed for my ring, remembering that I took it off to shower this morning
and never put it back
on.

I looked up to see that my mom had tears in her eyes, and my
legs gave out. My senses were overwhelmed, the smell of enchiladas
filling the room as my sister walked in with them in her hand. The last thing
I saw was Ethan’s face before the world around me went
black.

The hours following that horrific phone call were a
blur.
I
remember talking
to
Brad’s
mom.
I
remember
packing
a
bag
and
getting
on a
plane.
I
don’t
remember
my
flight
or
my
dad
picking
me
up
at
the airport.
By
the
time
I
was
wrapped
up
in
the
arms
of
Brad’s
parents, I
was
exhausted
physically
and
mentally.
I
hadn’t
slept
in
over
thirty hours, and my body was beginning to shut down. I had cried for
almost an
hour
straight
before
Ethan
was
finally
able
to
calm
me
down.
He
held me
in
his
arms
on
the
floor
of
my
dining
room
while
my
entire
body shook.

I
could
hear
someone
calling
my
name.
It
sounded
distant,
but
I made
myself
push
through
the
fog
and
opened
my
eyes.
I
didn’t
see
anyone,
but
I
heard
my
name
again.
As
I
started
to
lift
my
head,
I
realize where I was. I could almost smell the hospital before it
registered.

Again, I heard my name, but when I looked up, I was alone in
the room, except Brad. He was laying there, perfectly still. They took
him off life support, but we still needed him to wake up.
With
most of
the tubes and wires gone, he almost looked like my best friend again,
but not exactly. I kept talking to him, telling him to hold on, squeezing
his hand to let him know that I was here, waiting for him to wake up.
The doctors
said
that
it
was
good
to
talk
to
him.
I
felt
stupid
sometimes
when the nurses would walk in and I was in the middle of a
one-sided conversation, but I was past the point of caring. I was barely holding
it together at this
point.

It
had
been
four
days.
It
had
been
the
longest
four
days
of
my
entire life.
I
was
pretty
sure
that
I
smelled
bad,
and
I
knew
for
a
fact
that
I
look bad.
The
only
thing
I
had
managed
to
do
in
the
last
four
days
was
brush my
hair
and
teeth.
I
tried
to
give
myself
a
washcloth
bath
in
the
restroom but found that it was harder than it sounded. I basically ended up
with
damp
clothes
that
smelled
of
me.
I
settled
for
spraying
myself
with
body spray every morning and night. It was
Brad’s
favorite.

I
got
up
and
stretched,
knowing
that
it
had
been
at
least
three
or
four hours since I fell asleep next to him. The nurses and doctors had
been great,
letting
me
stay
overnight
and
pretty
much
never
making
me
leave his
side.
They
rolled
a
cot
into
the
room
for
me
two
days
ago,
but
I
have yet to use it. Once they took out the major “equipment” that saved
his life
those
first
few
days,
I
had
managed
to
get
away
with
sleeping
in
the bed with
him.

I
heard
my
name
once
more,
and
it
was
so
faint
that
I
almost wondered
if
I
was
dreaming.
I
looked
over
at
my
best
friend,
and
as I
brushed
my
hand
across
his
cheek,
I
could
feel
his
quick
intake
of breath. I pulled my hand away and stood there shocked. That was
the first
time
he
had
had
any
kind
of
reaction
to
anything
we’ve
tried.
I reached
forward
again
and
ran
my
hand
down
the
other
side
of
his
face. This time, the quick intake of my own breath matched
his.

I
needed
to
get
a
nurse.
I
rushed
toward
the
door,
but
before
I
could even
reach
the
handle,
I
heard
my
name
again,
and
I
turned
around.
That was
perfectly
clear.
I
was
certain
that
I
heard
my
name,
and
I
was
certain that I was not dreaming. I pinched my arm anyway to make sure I
was
awake. I was. I reached for the doorknob once more when I heard
it.

“Stay.”

Oh my god.
His voice brought tears to my eyes, and I didn’t
know if I was ready to turn around yet. It had been the most excruciating
four days of my life. Hearing his voice again brought back the reality of
the situation,
and
when
I
closed
my
eyes,
I
saw
the
look
on
my
mother’s face again. I could feel the tears falling, but I kept my eyes
closed.

When
I
turned
around
and
finally
opened
them,
my
eyes
met
his and I practically fell apart on the spot. As I slowly made my way
back to his bed, I never took my eyes off of him. He was alive, and that
was
the only thing I needed to know right
now.

As
I
sat
down
on
the
side
of
his
bed,
he
reached
up
and
touched my
cheek,
wiping
away
a
few
fallen
tears.
I
could
feel
how
shaky
his hand
was,
and
it
must
have
been
hard
for
him
to
lift
it.
I
was
at
a
loss
for words right
now,
so I held his hand to my cheek, trying to take some
of the weight from him. I thought I had lost him, and now he was
awake, smiling, and his voice was trying to soothe
me.

Before
I
realized
what’s
happening,
I
was
curled
up
in
his
arms,
and he was rubbing small circular patterns down my back. I hugged him
as tightly as I thought I should, not very tight at all, and began to
shake.

“We
need to call the doctor. I promised I would if you woke up.”
I barely choke the words out above a
whisper.

“Just
give
me
one
more minute
with
you.
I
need
to
know
that
you’re really here, that I’m really here,” Brad replied, pulling me tighter
into his
side.

“Trust
me,
I’m
here,
and
you
can
probably
smell
that.”
I
let
out a small laugh to lighten the mood, and I tried to pull back just a
little, but he held me firmly in place. As bad as his accident was, he was
still stronger than me. “Do you want to tell me what the hell
happened?”

“I don’t really know what happened. I remember being in my
car talking on the phone to you, and then my mind goes
blank.”

I pulled back just a little, and he was staring straight into my
eyes. I
can
see
the
wheels
turning.
I
can
see
that
he’s
trying
hard
to remember what happened. He breaks eye contact with me
before continuing.
“The
next
thing
I
remember
is
smelling
peaches
and
apples, hearing your voice telling me to keep holding on and then calling
your name
but
not
being
able
to
get
to
you.
When
I
opened
my
eyes,
and
you were here, I thought I was
dreaming.”