Holding On (47 page)

I
watched
the
sunset
over
Lake
Michigan
for
my
final
time
this
summer.
I
knew
that
I
would
see
it
again
and
that
I
would
probably
have the
company
of
most
of
my
friends
next
time,
but
it
sure
made
things feel
a
little
final.
It
felt
more
like
summer
was
coming
to
a
close
than anything
else.
It
felt
like
we
should
be
going
back
to
school
on
Monday,
instead of me flying away
tomorrow.

I sat alone and watched until darkness fell. I wanted to
remember this
moment
for
as
long
as
I
could.
I
was
still
staring
out
at
the
water
when I felt Brad come up behind me and sit down. I scooted
between his
legs
and
went
willingly
into
his
open
arms,
relaxing
my
head
against his chest.
That’s
when I started to let the tears fall. I knew that the
only reason I was feeling this way was because I was afraid of what
would
happen after
tomorrow.

I wanted to stay in Michigan. I wanted to start my senior year
with
my friends. I wanted to watch the sunset over the lake a million
more times
that
summer.
Most
of
all,
I
wanted
to
stay
wrapped
in
Brad’s
arms. I wanted to feel like I did when his fingers grazed my ring. I wanted
to feel like it all had meaning, that I had meaning, that
we
had
meaning.

As the night started to wind down and everyone started to pull
out their sleeping bags, I made sure I placed mine next to

Brad’s.
We
had
barely
spoken
since
this
afternoon
other
than
in passing.
With
the exception of the sunset, he kept his distance from
me, and with only a few more hours to spend together, I was going to
make sure that we actually spend it
together
, not tiptoeing around each
other.

This
was
my
last
chance
to
explain
to
Brad
how
I
felt.
I
was
a nervous wreck, and the possibilities of how the conversation could
go were
endless.
I
wanted
once
again
to
tell
him
the
truth
about
my
feelings for him, but I knew that it would only make my decision harder on
him and on me. After everything was said and done, he might never want
to speak with me again, and just the thought of that scared the hell out
of me. I was not willing to lose my best
friend.

Everyone started to settle in for the night, except Brad. I sat up
and looked
around,
but
I
didn’t
see
him
anywhere.
I
grabbed
the
closest sweatshirt,
his,
and
tugged
it
over
my
head
before
I
started
my
trek down the beach. I let the cooling sand slip between my toes, but I
made sure to stay away from the
water.

I
found
him
about
fifty
yards
away,
lying
in
the
sand,
staring
up at the stars. As I approached him, I expected him to acknowledge
my presence, but he never even stirred. I sat down in the sand and laid
my head on his stomach, our bodies forming a
T
in the sand. I stared up
at the
stars
and
started
to
wonder
where
it
all
went
wrong.
Our
relationship was
never
complicated
before
I
left.
It
was
perfect.
It
was
the
kind
of friendship everyone dreamed about.
We
truly made each other
happy just by being there for one another. Things were
unconditional.

As I  thought  more  and  more  about  our  life  before  the
move, I
realized
that
we
were
never
just
friends.
Maybe
we
had
started
out as
just
friends
but
things
had
definitely
changed
between
us
before
I moved.
We
had become a couple.
We
were in love with each other
long before I moved, and neither of us was willing to admit it, so we
danced the dance and became everything to one another—everything but
the one thing that both of us wanted and were too afraid to take,
knowing that we may lose each other if we
jumped.

I
finally
understood
what
Claire
had
been
saying
the
day
she
called me.
I
finally
understood
why
she
blamed
me
for
taking
Brad
away
from
her.
I
finally
understood
why
she
thought
that
he
had
broken
up
with her for me. She was right. I knew it then, but I denied it. Now I
know that
I
was
a
fool.
I
had
not
truly
stolen
him
from
her.
She
never
had
him completely
in
the
first
place.
I
fell
asleep
with
those
as
my
last
thoughts.

My
flight
was
leaving
in
three
hours.
I
was
literally
throwing
clothes in
my
suitcases,
and
I
was
pretty
sure
that
some
my
winter
clothes had made it in with my bathing suit. I didn’t really care at the
moment. All I cared about was making it to the airport on time so I could get
out of this place, so I could get back home to Ethan.

I
had
been
driving
myself
crazy
the
last
twelve
hours.
The
only
thing I could think about was how I tore apart Claire and
Brad’s
relationship. Of
course,
I
didn’t
do
it
on
purpose.
I
didn’t
even
know
that
I
was
doing it
at
the
time.
Okay,
so
the
kissing
before
I
left
was
not
the
brightest thing
to
do,
but
if
I
remember
correctly,
he
started
it.
Wow!
That
was
incredibly juvenile. This place really was making me
crazy.

I
zipped
up
my
suitcase,
hoping
that
I
had
everything
I
need,
or at least most of it. I know that my tennis bag was waiting by the
front door,
and
that
was
all
that
really
matters.
As
I
dragged
my
suitcase
down the stairs, I could feel his presence in the house. I knew that he
would
be
here
to
see
me
off;
he
told
me
that
when
we
woke
up
this
morning tangled
up
in
each
other’s
arms.
Remembering
the
warmth
of
his
breath on
my
neck
and
the
sound
of
his
heart
beating
against
my
ear
sent
a shiver down my
spine.