How to Be a Great Lover (4 page)

Many of us get our ideas for romantic encounters from the movies. Unfortunately, in real life we usually don't have access to makeup artists, wardrobe consultants, or set designers. Lovely as these lovemaking scenes are to watch, the filmmakers might think about flashing a disclaimer saying, "Don't try this at home, or you could set yourself up for a major disappointment." If you are trapped inside a photograph of what sensuality is supposed to look like, you'll miss out on all the beauty of what sensuality can ultimately feel like. Looks like is not often the same as feels like, and rarely the same as is. Feeling sensually aroused comes from within as much as it comes from without.

Reigniting the F lames of Passion

Sometimes in my seminars I hear men and women complaining about couples getting locked into patterns of the same approach, the same position, the same day, the same time,
etc.
There's no excitement, no butterflies, no danger, no laughter, no anything. First they go a week at a time without sex, then before they even realize it, a whole month has gone by Pretty soon, so much time has passed that they're both too embarrassed to mention it. All of a sudden they're actually shy again with each other.

This situation is not uncommon, yet it is still only representative of a portion of the women I've spoken to about their sex lives. There are other women who keep the rest of the seminar participants on the edge of their seats with wonderful stories of sensual adventures. And don't think for a moment that these stories come only from the young women or women in the first blissful stages of love. Some of the most exciting sensual adventures come from women who have been with the same men for decades. They simply refused to succumb to the sexual boredom that many believe is inevitable to long-term relationships. One couple from Texas, who married in their twenties and are still married after fifteen years, keep a private date night every month: one of them orders from a favorite takeout restaurant, picks up a bottle of wine, and brings it all up to the bedroom, where they spend the rest of the night. As the woman, a psychologist, told me, "Our lives get so fast and busy, there is so little time to slow down and feel like we did when we first got together. In the bedroom, we're halfway to where we want to go."

Another woman and her husband were both married before—he for thirty years, and she for twelve. Knowing they weren't going to reach a twenty-fifth anniversary, they decided to celebrate their marriage every month by doing something special. One of their favorite ways to mark their anniversaries is to dine in the nude. As the woman told me, "We're up to our 115th celebration and they keep getting better!"

You must realize, assuming you're both healthy and that you genuinely care for one another, sexual intensity (or lack thereof) a personal choice. It's not a condition. It can be created or repeated very quickly The only prerequisites for a truly sensuous dud fulfilling sex life for both of you are desire and a little inspiration. The following ideas were conceived and pulled off successfully by women in the seminar in order to stimulate the sex flow of their relationships. I'm sharing them with you, hoping they might inspire your own creative juices. Remember, your sensual environment belongs to you and your partner. What works for another couple will not necessarily work for the two of you, nor should it. Yet sometimes, stepping outside those boundaries of the sexual box you're accustomed to is exactly what it takes to reignite the flames of passion.

For her husband's thirty-fifth birthday, a housewife from a suburb outside of New York City decided to greet him with a little surprise when he'd returned home after being out of town on business for several days. When he entered the front door, he found a note waiting for him on the foyer table. It read, "Happy Birthday Darling, Follow Directions Explicitly: turn up the heat to 85; totally disrobe; put on the David Sanborn CD; and sit in the Eames chair [which was covered with a towel]; blindfold yourself, and don't say a word. When you are ready, clap your hands." At which point, the woman came into the room and proceeded to massage him with warm oil and feed him olives, grapes, and apricots. Then she did a hot/cold shift with her mouth (see Chapter 7) while performing oral sex. "My husband told me it was the most amazing sensation experience he'd ever experienced. And it totally revved up our sex life."

Another woman, in her mid-forties and from Los Angeles, recounted this story: "1 had been taking a class in signing for the deaf, so my husband had been used to me being gone every Tuesday and Thursday evening. So the night of The Sexuality Seminar I told him a white lie and said I had a special study class for signing. The next morning, I called him and confessed that I really hadn't been at my regular class the night before, but I'd gone to The Sexuality Seminar instead. At first he didn't believe me. Then I said 'Meet me at home, be nude, and I'll prove it to you.– He did and she told me that it was one of the best afternoons of lovemaking they'd had since they'd gotten married.

Yet another woman. after going through their usual weekend argument about what movie to rent, acquiesced to

her husband, agreeing to forgo her love story for his action adventure. Later, at the video store, she had an idea. She walked out a little while later with both the action adventure and a pornographic film. She put the porn film in the action adventure case and handed it to him, saying she would make them some popcorn and be right in. Instead of going to the kitchen, she went to the bedroom and put on one of his shirts, a sexy bra, and a thong. Then she joined him in front of the television. As it turned out, he got his action adventure, after all.

An elegant middle-aged woman told me of accompanying her lover, an older, very regal gentleman in his mid-sixties, to the Jockey Club in New York for lunch. It was late afternoon and the club's restaurant was virtually empty except for one other couple across the room. Under the circumstances, they were both surprised by how little attention they were receiving from the waiter. After bringing them some wine, the waiter had left them alone for a long time. She could see that her partner was starting to become impatient with the lack of service, in spite of the fact they were in no hurry at all. She wondered why he always had to get so uptight in restaurants. Knowing that an unpleasant scene was imminent, she reached under the table in their booth. Putting her hand on his crotch, she began to rub it gently, increasing the intensity as his attention obviously shifted from the missing waiter. He was shocked at her boldness, but couldn't stop himself from reacting to it. She was surprised at her behavior, too, as it was rare for her to be the aggressor in any of their sexual encounters. For some reason, it excited her beyond belief to have been able to squelch his anger with her bare hand, and she felt giddy with excitement. She unzipped his fly, freed his penis and continued working on him. As he grabbed the napkin and rushed it under the table, the only thing he could muster was, "God, I hope that waiter doesn't come back now!" To this day, he has never complained about having to wait for service in a restaurant again. A warning: If you should try this yourself, do make sure that the tablecloth reaches at least halfway to the floor.

Secret from Lou's Archive

Women and men have distinctly different scents. Men tend to smell muskier, and women sweeter. There are also different scents among the different races: my sources tell me that Caucasian, African-American, and Asian men all have distinct body scents.

In another scenario, a nurse from Toronto changed her husband's expectation of Christmas forever. In his stocking, she put several "gift certificates" entitling him to particular sexual requests. He could ask for anything he wanted from her sexually. A week or so after Christmas, she came home and there, at the top of the stairs, was her husband wearing nothing but a smile and a certificate. After fifteen years of marriage, the ritual continues and this couple insists that their sex drive, their commitment, and their love for each other has only gotten stronger.

More Ways to Steam Things Up

• Talk explicitly about what you want to do to him, and he to you, in bed. This can be thrilling to a man—especially when you never use that kind of language outside of bed. Practice in front of a mirror to see what you'll look like if you're unsure.
  
• Tell him discreetly that you're wearing sexy, skimpy, or no lingerie at all, while the rest of world
  

  sees you dressed classically; this will usually please him far more than putting your sex appeal on display. Every man loves the idea of bringing out the wild side of a woman.
  Believing he alone has the capacity to do that creates a bond unlike any other
  . It's not just sensual—it's mental, emotional, and spiritual as well.
  

• Call him at work, where he cannot respond (in action) to what you're saying or suggesting. This is another form of foreplay that helps build the sexual tension and heighten the anticipation of your next meeting.
  

  Bodily Bliss
  

  I've had conversations with men of every age, race, location, and income level about what they feel to be the single most significant element in defining an incredible sexual experience with a woman. Nary a one of them has differed in his perspective on this issue. It isn't a perfect figure. It isn't physical beauty. It isn't even expertise.
  

  Because of the way we've been conditioned socially, it might he difficult to believe, but it is true: what men want more than anything else is simply for us to be into it. During an intimate encounter, a man is looking for your mind, body, and soul to be in lull relationship with the project at hand. He wants to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that he turns you on, and that there's no place else in the world you'd rather be than with him, Hulking love.
  

  In the same way, men love body language. They respond to a body that is totally committed to whatever it's doing.
  

  Whether you're eating, playing sports, telling a story, or kissing doesn't matter. If you're committed, men notice. That's why it's important, when sex is on your mind, to make sure your body is reflecting that message. This doesn't mean to stand or move provocatively. Overkill isn't necessary either. But you don't want to appear unsure about something you are sure about. Extend yourself, rather than close up. Stretch, stand tall, and move freely. Let him know you are in touch with your body and that you are absolutely aware of what you're doing.
  

  At the same time, you don't want to stage or exaggerate your intentions. A forty-three-year-old male paper broker told me of his recent visit to his very posh gym. As he was using the bench press, he happened to catch sight of a woman in a formfitting aerobics outfit, stretching on the railing above him. He soon realized that she was not wearing any underwear; no thong, no Calvin Kleins, nothing. Instead of being turned on by such an obvious display of her body, he was actually turned off. "It was just too brazen, too overt, too trying-too-hard. It's much sexier for me to see a woman enjoying herself, totally immersed in what she is doing— whatever she's wearing."
  

  The reason this is such valuable information is that women tend to be more inhibited sexually by the appearance of their own bodies than anything else. To attempt to hide, cover up, or camouflage an imperfection in your stomach, butt, breasts, or thighs during sex is not only a waste of time, it is a waste of your energy. In the first place, he's either going to see it or feel it anyway especially if you're going out of your way to make sure he doesn't. And in the second place, chances are he doesn't care.
  

  Be aware of the sensuality in everything you see, feel, touch, taste, and smell. He will not only respond to your sensory awakening, chances are he'll want to be a part of the experience. For example, a lawyer recently shared a story about a night she went to a nightclub with some friends after work. She was wearing a suit and a pair of low pumps. While listening to the music, she very consciously played with her shoe, letting it dangle on the ends of her toes. A short time later, a man who had been sitting .11 t he table next to hers came over and gently tapped her on the shoulder, and said, "I am very sorry to interrupt you, but I'm afraid you're either going to have to stop doing that with your foot, or knowingly continue to drive me crazy"
  

  What was interesting is that he didn't continue to make conversation; in fact, he left almost immediately The woman wasn't wearing what one would call a sexy outfit, nor could he even see her face from where he sat. What turned him on was the sheer consciousness with which she twirled her shoe. To him, that reeked of sensuality I've come to find out that many men feel the same way. We're so often completely unaware of how the simplest of gestures affect those who are watching us.
  

  Secrets from Lou's Archive
  

  However demure men may want us to appear in public, they want us unrestrained in private. In fact, it's precisely this dichotomy that drives them wild. The more collected our public persona, the more unrestrained our private one can be.
  

  Don't get me wrong. I'm not going to tell you you're mistaken about men being visual creatures. They are typically much more so than us. But their desire for, and even sometimes preoccupation with, the perfect female body takes place before the sexual encounter. Once you're there, the only thing that really matters about your body to them is that it expresses a willingness to thoroughly and freely enjoy the experience. While making love with an enthusiastic partner, men don't have the wherewithal to focus on imperfections, because they perceive what they have as perfect.
  

  F eeling Beautiful: I t's Up to You
  

  In spite of the knowledge that your free sensual spirit will have him thinking you're beautiful, what ultimately matters most is how you feel about yourself. It is only appropriate to dress or act a certain way to please your man when it's your choice—and if, in so doing, you derive at least as much pleasure for yourself. If garter belts, thongs, and teddies aren't your style, don't wear them, and don't be fooled into thinking the stereotypical picture of a woman in black lace and heels is the only one that works. I know many men who think otherwise.
  

  One man, a lawyer from Boston, told me that what gets him most excited is when his wife (a history professor) puts on his boxer shorts and tank top. "When she's wearing that outfit, I go crazy!" In fact, I have it on very good authority that when women wear jeans and a T-shirt it is every bit as much a turn-on for some men as a garter belt and push-up bra. I've even known men who simply cannot resist a woman in soft flannel pajamas. Above all else, you need to be comfortable with your presentation. Your comfort, both in mind and body, is the key to your sexual freedom.
  

  The only thing you both have to be in bed is clean. None of us should have to be subjected to a sexual partner who isn't. I'm not just talking about your private parts. I can't tell you how regularly this comes up in both the men's and women's seminars. Hair, ears, fingernails, toenails, and feet are often overlooked and left unscrubbed in the haste to get into bed. I would never have felt the need to state the obvious in a book like this if didn't come up in nearly every seminar. Evidently, we tend to assume that we all groom ourselves in the same way. Also, we are horrified at the thought of discussing the subject: to tell a lover that you are turned off by his lack of cleanliness is uncomfortable for both of you. But there is no excuse for having to feel "dirtied" by someone with whom you're going to be intimate. Anyone willing to share himself or herself in this manner deserves a partner who is well groomed. If you're too tired for another shower or bath, you're too tired for sex.
  

  And while we're on the subject of cleanliness, I just want to mention a word about the natural odor of the human body. I understand that some men and women prefer to go au naturel and not wear deodorant, but I think you're taking a risk here. Let me recount a story of a successful businessman in his early sixties, trim and quite the gentleman. He had been with a woman who was in her late forties and was very much attracted to her: she was fit, active, and fun-loving all qualities he appreciated and admired. After the second or third sexual encounter, he became unavoidably aware of her bad body odor. lie felt very awkward bringing this up, as they didn't know each other that well yet, but he felt really turned off. Need I say more? I think it's a shame to go through all the emotional stages involved in becoming ready for physical intimacy only to discover, once you get down to the bare essentials, that you can't stomach the way your lover smells. And through scores of interviews, I've found that the biggest offenders are the most oblivious to it. What I suggest is that if you lead even a moderately active lifestyle, experience any level of stress, or sweat for any reason, and don't use deodorant, in spite of the fact that you shower daily, you are a candidate for body odor. Bathing is essential, of course. But if it were enough, deodorant would not have been invented.
  

  Ambience
  

  Don't despair, you don't have to be Michelangelo to come up with creative ideas to add sparks to your lovemaking. There is nothing more exhilarating than being creative about how to love. You and your partner must decide, based on your individual personal styles, what whets your appetites. The secret to your success is not to do what he would expect, but to step outside the box and go to a place you've never been before.
  

  Secrets from Lou's Archive
  

  TV is the biggest robber of intimacy because it draws your attention out of the room and away from the person you're with. If you want to keep your partner's attention available, try quieter activities, like reading or listening to music.
  

  A sensual environment is not limited to the bedroom and can be any environment where the two of you are inspired to engage in sexual activity. Candlelight, a roaring fire, fine champagne, and soft music are lovely touches, of course. But if that's the only type of scene that inspires your libido, you may find yourself waiting an awfully long time between sexual encounters. Remember, unlike our male counterparts, the longer we women go without an orgasm, the longer we usually can go without one. And the more often we have them, the more often it seems we want them. While I haven't seen this phenomenon documented scientifically, it's no secret that the longer men go without a release, the more intense their need to have one becomes.
  

  Power of Lights
  

  Men are visual creatures and they will respond to visual cues. So ladies, don't think you're alone in believing that soft lighting is synonymous with romance. In the movies, rare is the love scene that doesn't take place in front of the fire, surrounded by candlelight, in the glow of a sunset, under twinkling stars, or during the innocence of daybreak. Thanks to modern technology, the association between dim lights and love is deeply ingrained in the human psyche. But let's be honest, the sensuous effects of firelight date as far back as the Stone Age. Hollywood simply knew a good thing when they heard about it and embellished on a concept that already worked.
  

  The most obvious benefit of soft lighting is the change in mood it automatically elicits. Our voices become lower, enticing us to move nearer to each other and requiring us to listen more carefully. These small details gentle conversation, closer physical contact, and the willingness to hear what someone else is saying—are very important steps on the path to romance.
  

  But mood isn't the only element of romance affected positively by the dimming of the lights. Let's face it, soft lighting has an aesthetic value as well. It is very kind to lines, bags, blemishes, and other pesky facial flaws that are best not displayed under fluorescent lights. Any light coming from behind you, rather than from in front or above you, is going to be more flattering to your entire presentation. Referred to in the film industry and in photography as backlighting, it is often used to take years off the faces of models and celebrities. I must say, it doesn't do any harm to the rest of the body either. Cellulite and love handles also seem to be upstaged by backlight. I often recommend to seminar attendees to, when preparing for a nighttime tryst where moonlight isn't available, use low-wattage colored light bulbs, which now come in a variety of shades and can be found almost anywhere regular bulbs are sold. The pink or peach shades not only provide the advantage of low light, they also add a beautiful hue to your skin tone, much the same as a sunrise or sunset would do.
  

  C ANDLES
  

  While not all of us have a fireplace to fill a room with soft, warm light, candles are entirely practical and inexpensive, too. Depending on the size of the room, it can take one, two, or three candles to give your love nest an ethereal, transportive glow.
  

  Types of Candles (by no means an exhaustive list)
  

• Spice: sage, cedar, rosemary, lavender, vanilla
  
• Fruit: pear, orange, peach, blueberry, bayberry, lemon
  
• Flower: gardenia, rose, tuberose, jasmine
  
• Essential Oils: patchouli, musk
  

  Tips on Candles
  

• Orange or citrus-scented candles are popular among men.
  
• Ylang-ylang scents are considered aphrodisiacs.
  
• It's best not to combine floral with fruit scents.
  
• If you're unsure of how he may react, try a vanilla-scented candle, which is very mild.