How to Be a Great Lover (7 page)

• 1. • You must have all three shots to be safe. Hepatitis B mainly attacks young men and women in their teens and twenties, but once you contract it, you're a carrier for life. This year in the U.S., there will be more than 300,000 new cases of Hepatitis B documented. Not all doctors and nurses are aware of this fast-growing problem in their communities, so don't be afraid to ask for your vaccination.
       

       HIV/AIDS
       —
       

       The Epidemic Does Continue
       

       ACQUIRED IMMUNODEFICIENCY SYNDROME (AIDS)
       

       is caused by human immunodeficiency virus (HIV) infection. When someone tests positive for HIV, it means his or her system has been exposed to HIV and has produced an immune response. HIV and AIDS are not the same thing; one is the precursor of the other. You cannot get AIDS without having the HIV infection. You can, however, test positive for the HIV infection without having an AIDS diagnosis.
       

       An AIDS diagnosis occurs when you have:
       

       1. A positive HIV test and an AIDS defining opportunistic infection. There are approximately twenty-five known opportunistic infections.
          
       2. A positive HIV test and a T-cell count under 200 per cubic millimeter of blood.
          
       3. A positive HIV test and pulmonary tuberculosis, invasive cervical cancer, or recurrent bacterial pneumonia.
          

  HIV attacks the immune system, leaving the body unable to fight off common sicknesses or other diseases. Somewhere between 600,000 to 900,000 people in the U.S. are infected with HIV.
  

  HIV infection can be spread through blood, semen and vaginal fluids, and to infants through breast milk. Touching, eating, coughing, mosquitoes, toilet seats, swimming in pools, and donating blood do NOT spread HIV. What is rare but can occur is transmission from kissing a highly infected person; it is more likely that when HIV is contracted through kissing, the transmission occurs through blood than through saliva, resulting from extremely poor oral hygiene (in other words, through open sores in the mouth). HIV is not an airborne virus and cannot be spread by casual contact.
  

  There are usually no symptoms accompanying HIV. People can get the virus and feel terrific for many years. Unfortunately, the virus almost always leads to AIDS eventually, and because it is the immune system that fails, the symptoms for AIDS can look like anything from a cold to cancer. Although there is no cure for AIDS, there are new drugs that dramatically slow down the effect that HIV has on the immune system. Every sexually active man and woman should have an HIV test and wait the six months required to ensure a clean bill of health before having sex without a male condom.
  

  Sadly, it isn't always enough to accept a verbal declaration of good health. Many, many people have been deceived by lovers who claimed to be HIV-negative and weren't. Sharon, the girl friend of a seminar attendee, had a whirlwind romance with a sports newscaster and married him in a romantic ceremony on the fifty-yard-line of his alma mater. Shortly after returning from their honeymoon, she was disturbed by his sudden lack of interest in sex. After a few months, the marriage quickly deteriorated and they were divorced within a year, but not before Sharon discovered she was pregnant. Although her ex-husband seemed excited about becoming a father, his initial enthusiasm gave way to less and less frequent visits with his young daughter. Then, one day while Sharon was watching Dan Rather do an interview with a man dying of AIDS her heart sank. Although the man's face was shielded from the camera and his voice was altered, because of his mannerisms and the fact that he was wearing a sweater she had given him on a past Christmas, Sharon realized that this dying man was indeed her ex-husband and the father of her daughter. The next day she went to get tested and discovered that she was HIV-positive.
  

  It is very important that you ask to see the results of your lover's HIV test and all his tests for sexually transmitted diseases, especially if you don't know him well, but even if you do. It is also important that he see the results of your tests. Rather than make him ask, it is a good idea if you offer the results as a show of good faith, opening the door for him to do the same. If your lover refuses to show you his test results, you refuse to have unprotected sex with him. Remember, it is your health and quite possibly your life, that is affected by his being secretive. No one would want to keep his or her good health a secret.
  

  When obtaining an HIV test, be mindful of the difference between confidential and anonymous testing. They are not the same. When you have an anonymous test, you are identified by a number or letters only, not by your name, your social security number, or any other identifying information. After the blood sample is taken, you confirm that the numbers and letters on the vial and on your identification slip are the same. A week later you go back to the clinic where the test was taken and get the results. No results are given over the phone.
  

  A confidential test means that the results are confidential, but the confidentiality is limited by the integrity of those who have access to the information. Sadly, only last year, an employee at a southern clinic ran off a list with the names of all those who had tested positive for HIV and sold it at a local bar—so much for confidential testing.
  

  I'd like to make several important points about HIV/AIDS:
  

  1. There are several strains of the HIV virus. So even if a man or a woman is already positive, he or she can still become infected by another form of the virus and in fact is even more susceptible, given the already weakened state of the immune system.
     
  2. HIV-positive means you have been exposed to the HIV virus, which causes AIDS. Your body shows a positive immune response to the HIV virus. In 1993, the CDC established a definition benchmark for the diagnosis of AIDS, enabling physicians to differentiate between testing positive for HIV and AIDS. This set parameters for qualifying people for health insurance coverage and research programs.
     
  3. Some strains are nastier than others. Depending on the virulence of the strain one is exposed to, you could develop AIDS almost immediately
     
  4. It is suggested that you wait six months after risk behavior before getting tested, because it can take up to six months for antibodies to show up in a test. Most people (95 percent) test positive within three months of exposure.
     
  5. In 1998, the CDC estimates that 50 percent of people who are HIV-positive do not know they are infected.
     
  6. An opportunistic infection is a life threatening infection that in a healthy normal immune system would not be threatening, but for someone with a compromised immune system the infection takes the "opportunity" to attack the already weakened system. For example, a person who is undergoing cancer treatment such as chemotherapy is at risk for an opportunistic infection. Opportunistic infections are not all possible infections; they are caused by a limited number of fungi, protozoa, bacteria, and viruses.
     

  Condom Mania
  

  While I've discussed the most common of the sexually transmitted diseases, there are more than fifty known STDs to date. By providing you with knowledge about them I don't mean to scare you, but rather to empower you. No one should have to be frightened into taking control of his or her sexual health. Rather, now that you have this information, I hope being safe and careful becomes a matter of self-respect for you. There just isn't an excuse good enough to not practice safe sex in a relationship with someone whose health you're not 100 percent sure about.
  

  You don't drive without car insurance. You don't go through life without health or home insurance. Latex condoms are the best possible sex insurance available. When it comes to protecting yourself from pregnancy you can get away with forgetting your birth control many times without getting caught. But it only takes one encounter without protection to contract a sexually transmitted disease. Is it worth risking your life?
  

  Secrets from Lou's Archive
  

  Our sexual interactions should always be perfect examples of permission requested and permission granted. Both partners need to maintain this level of respect. Don't just assume you can grab a body part. Instead, try a simple, "May I?"
  

  CHOOSING A CONDOM
  

  There are many different condoms to choose from, but not all of them are of the same quality.
  

  Condom Tips to Remember
  

  • Although you may hear differently, spermicides containing Nonoxynol-9 were created to help reduce the risk of unwanted pregnancy, not sexually transmitted diseases.
    
  • Spermicides should he used only in addition to condoms, never in place of them. Nonoxynol-9 is a detergent-like substance that has proven to he effective at killing HIV in laboratory tests ONLY. There is nothing conclusive at this time to indicate Nonoxynol-9 kills HIV in human beings. I have, however, been told by many women that they have traced their chronic vaginal and/or bladder infections back to this highly irritating substance found in some creams, gels, lubricants, and on condoms.
    
  • Avoid buying condoms manufactured in China or Korea, where poor quality latex is often used.
    
  • Beware of condoms labeled as "novelty" (e.g., "glow-in-the-dark" condom). These are not intended to provide pregnancy or STD protection.
    

The risks of pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases (STDs), including AIDS (HIV infection), are not known for this condom. A study is being done."

So, in combination with the high rate of breakage that our field researchers experienced with this condom— over 25 percent—I cannot in good conscience recommend this product until their "study" is done.

CONDOMS BREAK

Any condom can break during intercourse, and for many different reasons. Keep in mind these considerations when using condoms:

• Breakage is invariably a result of improper handling such as using your teeth to open the foil keeping condoms in wallets for extended periods of time, or using a lubricant with an oil base.
  
• During a study conducted by Dr. Bruce Voeller, founder of the Mariposa Foundation, men who were chronic condom breakers were discovered to have been using everyday hand lotion as a lubricant. A lubricant must be water-based and most hand lotions contain some form of oil. Oil is a latex condom’s mortal enemy because it immediately begins to break down the latex. Therefore it is imperative that the ingredients of a lotion be checked carefully before using it with a latex condom. Better still, use a lubricant intended for this use, such as Astroglide, Sensura, or K-Y, rather then letting him grab the closest bottle of lotion off your vanity. It must be water-based. (There is more complete information on lubrication in the next chapter.)
  
• The most common excuse I hear from women who have had unprotected sex is that their lovers don’t like condoms because they diminish the male pleasure factor. I won’t lit to you, men attest to the truth of this lessening of pleasure. However, after you both have waited the six-month period to make sure you’re both healthy, you will be free and clear to use other methods of birth control. He may have to endure a slightly diminished sensation while you're using condoms, but remember that you can always give him a hand job without risk, providing your hands have no abrasions or open wounds.
  
• One of the excuses I hear from men in my seminars is that they are too big to fit into any of the condoms currently available. Whenever I hear a man saying this I know a simple yet most effective response: simply open a regular size condom, shape your fingers into a bird's beak, and, watching your nails, unroll the condom over your hand. Pull it down, stretching it so that it covers your entire forearm past your elbow (it will fit, trust me). Then ask him how much bigger than that he is. Whenever I do this in the ladies' seminar, there is a great deal of laughter.
  
• Some men are likely to be more comfortable in a bigger condom. If your lover has a thick, broad penis, a regular size condom may fit a little too snugly at the base of his shaft or at the head. There is no reason for him to suffer. For this reason condoms also come in larger sizes.
  

  The Italian Method
  

  There is a way I've found that rarely fails to make a man welcome the application of a condom. I have dubbed it "The Italian Method," but it is actually an old trick that has been used k "working girls" since the invention of the condom. This isn't a reinvention of any wheel, but the renaming of a much-used-wheel. The name is strictly a marketing term and has nothing to do with Italian men, an old Italian boyfriend, or anything at all Italian. I simply needed a code name that was acceptable to polite society.
  

  Simply put, The Italian Method is the application of a condom using your mouth, and men absolutely go crazy for it. A thirty-eight-year-old female computer executive from Dallas put it t his way: "I used to hate having to put on a condom. It always seemed to put a damper on the mood. When I perform The Italian Method, the mood is anything but dampened! In fact, it puts me more in the mood to make love."
  

  Secrets from Lou's Archive
  

  If his pubic hair is too thick for you, you might want to consider trimming it. You can even make it part of your foreplay.
  

  A few years ago a woman came to me who was very unsure about the prospect of having good safe sex with her new boyfriend. This woman was fifty-two at the time and a fashion designer. Although she and her lover had thoroughly discussed and agreed to be responsible about their sexual relationship, she was recently divorced and was completely unfamiliar with the condom "etiquette" of the nineties. She had many questions including, but not limited to, who was supposed to bring the condom. We ended up talking for hours on the subject, during which time I showed her how to perform The Italian Method. When she finally left to meet her lover for their first tryst, the woman was brimming with confidence, not only in her ability to artfully apply a condom in this manner, but also in the fact that being sexually responsible carries its own heat.
  

  Upon arriving for their first intimate encounter, he pulled out a condom (though her overnight bag contained a supply
  

  as well) and sheepishly asked, "Do you know how to put this thing on?"
  

  The woman looked at him and answered honestly, "Only with my mouth."
  

  He couldn't believe his ears and asked her to repeat her response. Again she said, "Only with my mouth." When he questioned how on earth she knew how to do this, the woman explained to him she had taken a class on sexual technique and safety. The reason, she told him, was because she didn't want to compromise the fun and sensuality of their intimate relationship for the responsible approach they had agreed to take in ensuring that their sex was as risk free as possible. He was overwhelmed by both her mastery of The Italian Method and the effort she had taken to make their intimate relationship so special. Although they've been together now for nearly four years, he still says it was what he learned about her character on that day that made him fall deeply in love.
  

  As much as I enjoy relating this story, I want to reiterate that I spent a great deal of one-on-one time with this woman, giving her plenty of opportunity to make mistakes in the beginning. The Italian Method does take a bit of practice (I suggest using either a dildo or a cucumber). But you must trust me on this: the effect it has on your lover will be eternal. As a male screenwriter from Los Angles remarked, "The whole thing is hot! I love watching her breasts as she goes down on me and feeling the heat and pressure of her mouth as she makes her way down my shaft. I feel like we're the stars of our own erotic film."
  

  Before you begin, please take note that only latex condoms are to be used for The Italian Method. "Natural" material condoms not only taste terrible, their only protective value is in the from of pregnancy. Natural material condoms are made from animal membranes and this tissue will stop the much larger sperm but not the tiny STD virus particles that could infect you.
  

  Secrets from Lou's Archive
  

  Ladies, when using The Italian Method, please remove any lipstick or lip gloss, as its oils will break down a latex condom and make it ineffective as protection.
  

  But first, in order to proceed, you need to be able to do two things: 1) put your mouth in a flute position (like a baby kissing), and 2) cover your teeth with your lips and open your mouth.
  

  HOW TO PERFORM
  

  THE ITALIAN METHOD
  

  There are six steps involved in The Italian Method, none of which can be forgotten or discarded:
  

  Step 1
  . Lube your lips with a clear, water-based lubricant (while colored lubricant won't harm you, it may leave you looking like Bozo the Clown). You can either apply the lube to your lips yourself or have him do it for you.
  

  Step 2
  . A package of three condoms should be plenty. Don't buy a slew—guys will make assumptions. Then, remove a condom from its package and place it in position to be unrolled. If you hold the nipple between your thumb and forefinger and it resembles the shape of a sombrero hat, held by its top, it is in the right position to be unrolled correctly. If the edges of the sombrero are flipped under, you will not be able to unroll it down the shaft.
  

  

  Step 3
  . Once you have the condom in the correct position, invert it so
  

  that it looks like a mini upside-
  4
  

  TPF FPT
  

  down sombrero. Place a dollop
  ^
  of water-based lubricant only in the receptacle (nipple) end of the latex condom, as if you were putting it in the finger of a latex glove. The lubricant here has two functions: it
  5
  

  will allow the condom to slip gently over the most sensitive part of his penis (the head) preventing that stuck-to-the-top feeling men complain about so often. In addition, it will give the condom more range of motion during sexual activity, which translates into more sensation for him.
  

  6
  

  Note:
  Steps 4, 5, and 6 must be dons quickly so that the lubricant doesn't run out over the shaft of the penis.
  

  

  • A dollop, in this case, should be approximately the size of a regular jelly bean. If you use more than that amount here, you could end up his shaft, which could result in the condom sill ping off at an inopportune moment.
    

    Step 4
    . Position your lips as if you were going to give someone a kiss, but with your lips not touching. You'll sort of resemble a choirboy for a minute, but that look is a fleeting one. Put the condom in your mouth, lubricated side toward him, and use a little suction to hold it in place. The rim of the sombrero will be outside your puckered lips, not inside.
    

    Step 5
    . Hold the shaft of his penis in one hand and move your mouth to the top of the head of his penis. If you move too slowly, all the lubricant will drip out. Releasing the suction only slightly, allow the condom to rest on the head of the penis while you push it down gently with your tongue, removing any air bubbles.
    

    Step 6
    . Staying in this position, quickly wrap your well-lubricated lips over your teeth and push gently but firmly in one smooth motion on the rim of the condom to unravel it down the shaft. The only way this will work is if your lips are wrapped firmly over your teeth. If they aren't, not only will you risk hurting him, you won't have the strength to push the condom down quickly. Your lips need the support of your teeth behind them in order for this technique to be effective. If you are unable to push the condom all the way down with your lips, don't worry about it. Very few woman can, at first. Go as far down as you are comfortable, finishing the job with your fingers in the shape of an "okay" sign to unroll the rest. Some women have said the sensation of coolness from the lube in the nipple end of the condom causes them to gag if they go down the shaft too far. If this should happen to you, you can complete the roll with your fingers in the shape of the "okay" sign.
    

    Again, The Italian Method does take some practice, but it can be a lot of fun and very sensual once you get the hang of
    

    it. If this is not something that appeals to you, however, don't feel pressured to make it part of your sexual repertoire, but keep in mind that there is no good excuse for not using a condom. Simply explain that until you both have assurance of your mutual good health, there is no sex without one. It's both practical and erotic: "I usually lose about 50 percent of my erection while fumbling to apply a condom. But when she did this, I didn't lose any of it at all! I couldn't believe it," said a stockbroker from Cleveland.
    

    Secrets from Lou's Archive
    

    When choosing a latex condom for The Italian Method, avoid brands that are coated with Nonoxynol-9. It has a vile taste and will cause temporary numbing of your mouth.
    

    In the next chapter, you will see how lubrication and its application can only increase the pleasure that is related to having fabulous sex without compromising your safety. Safety is essential, but it doesn't have to ruin the mood or lessen the charge between you and your lover. You should think of the information here as an expression of your respect for yourself, as well as your partner.
    

    Chapter Five
    

    

    To Lube or Not to Lube?
    

    There Is No Question
    

    "Who knew you could accomplish so much with so little?"
    

    MALE SEMIN A R ATTENDEE, AGE 3 2
    

    The whole thing happened quite innocently. Early on in her marriage, a woman found she felt drier than she used to because of the birth control she was now using, a method known to cause dryness. After taking a quick shower, she decided to apply some lubricant to herself after her shower and before getting into bed with her husband. They began to kiss and, as will often happen, he slid his hand down to her genital area. Well, he was so proud and turned on by the obvious effect his kisses had on her she couldn't bear to tell him her wetness wasn't entirely his doing. Furthermore, he went on to make such mad passionate love to her that night that ten years into their marriage, she's still secretly applying lubricant to herself before many of their romantic encounters. He still thinks his kisses bring on Niagara Falls and she's still reaping the benefits.
    

    While I'm not, as a rule, a proponent of one lover misleading another, in this particular case it does seem rather harmless, especially since she also keeps a bottle of personal lubricant by the bed at all times, which they use openly whenever they desire. For this reason and many others, I feel personal lubricant is quite simply a treasure. I can't think of a single store-bought item that does more to enhance the overall pleasure and ease of sexual technique than lubricant. That being so, I am constantly amazed at how many women have yet to discover the amount of joy that can be created from one little bottle. Those of you who have not tried it are in for a treat. As a thirty-nine-year-old male entrepreneur from Sacramento said, "I never knew her hand could feel so good."
    

    Many women in my seminars have said they believe the use of personal lubricant is in some way a poor reflection on them. They tell me they are afraid that if they bring out a bottle of lubricant during lovemaking that their lovers may think they're incapable of getting excited "naturally" One woman put it succinctly: "I don't use it every time, just sometimes to give me a physical jump start when I'm already there mentally" I've also had men tell me that they, too, are afraid to introduce lubricant during sex; from their point of view, they're afraid we women will think they aren't exciting enough to get us lubricated.
    

    Secrets from Lou's Archive
    

    Many women I know prefer colorless lubricants, as they won't stain the sheets or any other material.
    

    Let me put both myths to rest: neither of those scenarios are correct. The fact that, as women, we have the ability to self-lubricate when we become sexually aroused is just another one of Mother Nature's many gifts. She didn't want us or our partners to be uncomfortable during intercourse. Of course, she didn't account for things like antibiotics, alcohol consumption, or a salty diet to interfere with her work, either. But they do. Mother Nature also didn't know we humans would find ways to make sexual encounters so intense that they'd go on for hours and involve far more than intercourse. Nor did she realize we'd find it thrilling to make love on the spur of the moment once in a while without taking the time for her gift to kick in. So we invented lubricant not to replace her gift, but rather to embellish it. After all, no two women are going to self-lubricate in the same amount or for the same reasons. What turns us on and how much we are affected changes constantly. And believe me, if you use lubricant, men will thank you. As one forty-two-year-old businessman from New York said, "I'm going to invent a tool belt, strap it on, with lubricant in one pocket, and a vibrator in the other."
    

    T he Right Lube for You
    

    Beyond the biological reasons for using personal lubricant, it also provides an undeniable element of fun. I have a client who enjoys the benefits of lube to the extent that all she has to do is call her husband on the phone at the office and snap open die top of the bottle next to the receiver (she uses Midnight Fire—see below). He is so aware of the sound and what it means, she knows he'll do everything in his power to find a way to come home as soon as he can. Now, they call it their "phone foreplay."
    

    Before I get into the fun of lube and its application, I want to help you figure out how to pick the right lubricant for your needs. If you've ever been in an adult novelty shop, you know there are MANY of them to choose from—water-based, oil-based, flavored, unflavored, scented, unscented, colored, clear, liquid, and gels. It can be a bit overwhelming.
    

    There are a few details you should keep in mind when choosing a personal lubricant:
    

    • Remember, oil and latex don't mix. Oil breaks down the latex in the condoms, often causing them to break. An oil-based lubricant is fine for manual sex, but if you're planning to continue on to intercourse using a condom, be sure to use a lubricant that is water-based. And when you're using water-based lubricants, if you find your lube is getting a little sticky or thick due to evaporation, a couple of additional drops of H20 will return it to its full lubricity. There's more than one reason to keep a glass of water next to the bed.
      
    • Always read the label of a lubricant in its entirety. The big print alone can be misleading sometimes. If you see the word "oil" listed anywhere under ingredients, chances are the product is not water based. If you are sensitive or susceptible to irritation, watch out for the spermicide known as Nonoxynol-9. It can be extremely irritating to both men and women. This is the active ingredient in contraceptive foam and jelly, suppositories, and contraceptive film. With the latter, you insert vaginally, and the heat and moisture "melt" the film to a consistency similar to jelly
      
    • Know what you're putting onto your body. Eros is a new silicone lubricant that describes itself as a "bodyglide." Eros, Millennium, and Platinum are three newer products that are made with dimethicone (silicone) and carry no protective value; they aren't water soluble. Fine for external use; I would be careful about internal.