How to Outfox Your Friends When You Don't Have a Clue (8 page)

Possible Titles for My Documentary, Now That I've Mastered the Art of Turning the Camera On and Taking the Lens Cap Off:

1.
My Life: An Award-Winning Documentary
(I like this one, but it might sound a
bit
too ambitious.)

2.
The Eighth-Grade Life of Ana Wright
(This one sounds like a made-for-TV movie where someone dies at the end. No thanks.)

3.
How to Lie to One Friend about Being Friends with Another Friend: No, Seriously, It's Okay Because Soon Everything Will Be Sorted Out and Nobody Will Mind That You Waited to Tell the Truth to Liv and Ashley Because You Didn't Want Either of Them to Get Upset
(Too confusing. Darn it.)

Great horned owls are one of the few animals that regularly eat skunks. Sometimes they eat them so often, even their nests and feathers may smell musky.

—Animal Wisdom

“So what is it you want me to do again?” Daz sat taller on the couch. Darwin was sitting beside him on the cushion, and they were both preening. At least I knew that Darwin didn't have fleas; I couldn't say the same for Daz. Beside him, Kevin sat with a notepad sprawled over his lap. Like me, Kev loved to doodle, but he didn't doodle animals and stuff like I did. Instead, he drew robots and super-serious blueprints for an artificial intelligence that may take over humankind at any moment.

You know, genius stuff.

“
You
wanted to do this, not me!” I reminded him. Ever since Daz heard about my documentary plans, he was practically frothing at the mouth for me to include him in it. He even promised to say what I told him to say and not embarrass me in
any
way possible.

Fat chance of that, right?

I peeked at the camera again to check Daz's position through the viewfinder. It was hard to not train the camera on Kevin, looking all adorable as he sat there trying to stay out of Daz's way. Good thing I was a professional.

“I can't
not
be in your documentary,” he said, rolling his eyes. “It's supposed to be about people who made you who you are today, right? Tell me that I haven't done that.
Tell me
that Ana Wright would even exist without this.” His gestured to himself proudly. One of Darwin's feathers was stuck in his hair, but I didn't mention it. I remembered what Sugar said about capturing people realistically, without any extra effort to make them look a certain way.

Plus, it was funny to see Daz covered in bird fluff.

“I'm only talking about five things, and sorry, my skeezy brother does not rank high on my influence list. No offense. Be thankful you're in it at all!” I yanked open the curtain, letting the last of the late- afternoon light into the room like Sugar had taught me. Darwin fluttered his wings in the warmth.

Daz beamed. “Okay, I'm ready. Ten four. Roger dodger. Let's do this thing.” He finger-gunned me and winked.

“Ew, don't do that on camera, okay? It's seriously creepy,” I said. Getting behind the camera, I carefully hit the record button and started to count down, exactly the way Sugar had taught me.

Kevin piped up. “Totally creepy,” he said. But Daz sent a pillow sailing for his face.

“Five, four, three…” I continued with my fingers and pointed for Daz to start.

Immediately he launched into his speech, with the prompt cards I'd given him still stuck under him on the seat. “Hello, and welcome to Ana Wright's official documentary, all about how she manages to spend so much time in the bathroom, and yet still somehow looks the same when she comes out.”

“
Cut
!
” I shouted. Daz cackled with laughter as I stormed over to the couch and yanked the cards out from under him. “These.” I shoved them into his hands. “You are supposed to use
these
. You're introducing my documentary, and telling people that I am going to be talking about who influences me and showing the world how they helped make me who I am today.” I gave him my very dirtiest glare, throwing as much sincere “do not mess with me now” anger behind it.

Obviously it wasn't glarey enough because Daz cracked up again. “Okay, okay!” he said. “I was trying out some improv. You're getting pretty moody in your old age, huh?”

“Don't remind me,” I said, marching back behind the camera.

“
Brack! Old age banana!
” Darwin crowed, enjoying Daz's high-pitched antics. I glared at him too.

“Oh, come on.” He leaned back on the couch, nearly knocking Darwin from his cushion. “Hey, we should tell Mom what we want for a party! We can't have something lame for thirteen.” He tilted his head back and yelled. “Hey! Ma!”

“Daz!” I fumed. “This isn't the time for parties. You're supposed to be helping me with my project, and I didn't even
want
your help in the first place, but you told me that you'd stick my toothbrush in Dwayne ‘The Rock' Johnson's cage if I didn't.”

Honestly. Brothers cannot be human. Right when you think they're getting more normal and being somewhat nicer to you, they go and get all…
brothery
on you all over again.

“Fine, geez,” he said, straightening up again. He ran his fingers through his hair, ensuring it was extra spiky. “This is Daz Wright, and I'm here today to introduce Ana's Wright's official documentary. In it, we will learn that—”

“Stop!” I shouted.

Daz froze with his mouth still open. The card in his hand trembled as he struggled not to move. “What is it this time?”

I pointed to the camera. “You didn't let me say go! It wasn't even running.”

“But it was perfect!” he whined.

“So do it again!” I counted down behind the camera and hit record.

He sighed, launching back into his monologue. “This is Daz Wright, and I'm—”

“Did someone call me?” Mom yelled down from the top of the staircase.

“
Dazmanian devil!
” Darwin shrieked.

“Oh, for the love of Pete!” I turned the camera off and collapsed onto the floor. Did all filmmakers have such a hard time with their subjects? I couldn't imagine any of Grandpa's filmmakers struggling to get footage like this. Wild bonobos were probably easier to wrangle than my idiot brother and my loudmouthed, diva parrot.

“Yeah!” Daz called, waving Mom over. He climbed up onto the back of the couch and bounced on his butt. “We want to talk birthdays!”

I rolled over and tucked my camera out of the way before Daz bulldozed over it by accident.

“What's this?” Mom slinked down the stairs, trying to hide her smile. She was carrying a hardcover textbook with wild cats on the cover, and she was still in her work shirt, even though she'd changed into a pair of holey, faded jeans. “Are there two important birthdays coming up in this household? Whoever could they be?” She crossed her arms and drummed her fingertips.

I couldn't help but smile at how chill she looked in the face of Daz's bounciness. Mothers must be immune to their own kids' brand of crazy, I swear.

“It's thirteen, Mom,” I said, joining in. Grandpa always says if you can't beat 'em, join 'em, but really I was excited at the possibility of cake. “We should do something fun for thirteen, don't you think?”

Mom eyed Daz. “Maybe we can talk after you stop treating our poor couch like a combat zone,” she said. He sighed dramatically and slid his butt down back to the cushion. I tsked at him, trying to get Mom on my side now so she'd side with me on the birthday party ideas.

“It so happens that your father and I have discussed the possibility for a party for our dear baby twins.” She scrunched her nose at us playfully. “What did you guys have in mind?”

Daz leaped up. “Laser tag party!” he squealed. “Dinosaur party! Dinosaurs
with
lasers party!”

Kevin lit up. “Ooh, that's a good one!”

Honestly.

Mom shook her head. “So mature for his age.”

I don't know if it's a weird-brother thing or not, but dinosaurs and lasers was
not
my idea of a cool teenager party. It sounded more like a party for eight-year-olds. I was only going to turn thirteen once. Did I seriously want to do it while running for my life from Daz while he shot lasers at me?

Pretty sure I would have the rest of my life to deal with that.

“Maybe we could have something at the zoo?” I asked. It seemed only fitting. When I turned twelve, I had no idea how much the zoo would play a role in my life. Now it felt like a second home, where so many important things had happened. I'd started doing public presentations there, and even Daz had loved living there. It could be the perfect spot for a supercool teenager party, especially since so many people didn't get to visit as often as I did.
Ooh,
and I could film some of it for my documentary!

Daz pointed at me. “I like it. We could take over the whole zoo! With lasers!” He started rapping, spraying beads of spittle all over himself. “Ain't no party like a dino party, 'cause a dino party's got lasers!”

“Let's back that trolley up, young man,” Mom said, gesturing for him to shush. “We can't take over the whole zoo, but I see no reason why we can't use the banquet hall behind the visitor's center for a nice little party. It would make things so much simpler if we did a party for the two of you together. You're both okay with that, right?”

I rolled my eyes. “Sure, make me share my special day with him,” I pretend-whined. As long as we weren't expected to share a cake, I'd pretty much accepted every birthday of mine was going to be Dazzified, being twins and all.

“Whatever, loser. It's
my
special day too! The day I become a
man
!” He reached for a pillow to throw at me, startling Darwin away.

Good Lord.

“It's a special day for
both
of you,” Mom said. Her lip quivered as she looked at the two of us for a beat too long. “My babies, turning thirteen.”

I scrambled from the floor, swinging Darwin up onto my shoulder. Daz, being an android and therefore totally unable to read human emotion, nodded proudly.

“That's right! The big one three. I should start looking into retirement plans. Do I need to make a will? I don't want all my robots getting into the wrong hands if I die,” he said, scratching his chin.

“It's okay, Mom,” I said, patting her awkwardly on the back. “It's not that old,” I lied.

I mean, we all
knew
that thirteen was pretty much
the
biggest birthday milestone one can have, right? But I wasn't about to say that to Mom having a meltdown. Besides, it sort of freaked me out too. But if anything would make me feel less terrified about it, it was a birthday party in a place that I knew I loved.

“The banquet thing would be perfect,” I said. “We can invite everyone and have some fun games and—”

“And
lasers
!” Daz glared at me pointedly.

“Shoot,” Kevin said suddenly, checking his watch. He stood up and folded his notebook closed, stuffing it into his backpack. He eyed me apologetically. “Sorry, I have to head out. We're supposed to video chat with my brother tonight to make sure everything's okay for next week.” He turned to Mom. “We're going away for a few days to visit him,” he explained, heading for the door.

“Have a good visit, hun,” she said. “I'll miss having you around to make sure Daz doesn't burn anything down.” She rolled her eyes.

He grinned, then looked to me. “I'll…uh…see you later?”

I shifted a few feet closer to the front door. In case you were wondering, the “official good-bye” with your kind-of boyfriend in front of your brother and mother is
the
most awkward thing on the planet.

Worse than when you go to high-five someone and end up missing their hand like a lame-o, even.

Do you kiss? Do you
not
kiss? Do you hug? The whole thing was a disaster waiting to happen.

“'Kay,” I said, stepping closer. He went in for a quick hug, while I accidentally dodged the wrong way and ended up colliding with his shoulder.

Smooth, Ana.

“See you at later,” I added, practically feeling Mom's giggly stare behind me.
This
was why people need to forget the whole “first kiss” thing, because at this rate, it definitely
wasn't
going to happen for me.

“Well, that was gross,” Daz said plainly after Kevin left.

“Hey!” I shouted. “I have to watch you and Bella stare at each other all googly-eyed!” I stuck out my chin. It occurred to me right then that my
brother
might get his first kiss before me. Oh,
GAH
.

Daz scoffed. “Whatever! It's not the same thi—”

“
Anyway
,” Mom said, breaking us up. “I think a zoo party sounds like a great plan. I'm on it!”

“Hey,” I said, thinking back on all my earlier birthdays. Now that Kevin was gone, my brain seemed to be able to function again. (Figures.) “Do you think I could have a slumber party after?” Ever since we became best friends, Liv and I had special birthday sleepovers every year. Usually we made lip gloss and talked about boys and all the things we wanted to happen during the next year of our lives. Maybe that was exactly what we needed right now.

Mom nodded. “I think that's a great idea. You girls will have to stay in the basement though. Four is too many for upstairs. Daz would never leave you alone either,” she muttered.

“Oh,” I said, realizing what she meant. “I don't mean with everyone, just Liv and me. Like old times.”

“No Bella or Ashley?” she asked. Her head tilted with concern, but I didn't want her to worry.

“I think since Liv is back, it would be nice to have her over,” I said. “You know, she's only here for a little while, and I can have a sleepover with Bella or Ashley anytime.”

It's true I would feel bad not inviting Bella or Ashley, but I had to do everything I could to keep Liv and I together as best friends, didn't I? After all, she wasn't around here for long, so Bella and Ashley would both probably understand. I could have them over anytime after she went home again.

Mom pursed her lips, considering this. “Okay, if that's what you want. Make sure not to leave anyone out at the party.”