How to Raise a Jewish Dog (12 page)

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Extra sweater: For you, after sundown

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Extra sweater: For dog

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Preprinted lost dog posters (laminated): Should include name and nicknames; photo of dog; general description of her appearance;
favorite foods, favorite toys, favorite movies, favorite color, etc.; and your cell, home, work, neighbor’s, mother’s, therapist’s,
and attorney’s phone numbers

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Tape/hammer and nails/tacks/pushpins: For mounting poster

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Deli platter (at home): To reward search parties who help you find lost dog

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Wagon or stroller: For others to transport you (while holding dog) back home if both of you are injured, too tired, or it’s
too hot

Owner with absolute minimum necessities for hiking with dog. (Not shown: bullhorn, sunglasses, rain poncho, paperback book
in backpack, wagon or stroller, deli platter for rescue workers who help find dog)

Some activities, however strenuous, cannot rightly be construed as exercise, and should not be considered adequate substitutes
for an actual walk. They include:

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Running from window to window barking at mailman

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Running around trying to bury bone/cookie

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Jumping up and down when you are putting on leash

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Pacing along with you as you talk to your mother on phone

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Jumping into your suitcase as you pack for a trip

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Pawing the front door when he hears you arriving

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Barking at doorbells or door knocks on television

Most dogs love being off-leash. While many walkers will encourage the leashed dog to move at whatever brisk pace she wants,
and will gamely try to keep up, nothing can compare with the unfettered zeal with which most dogs trot and run once the leash
is removed.

The owner of a Jewish dog therefore faces a difficult choice. On the one hand, she wishes to indulge the dog’s desire to run
and play. On the other, she wants to protect the dog from all the dangers in the world—real, potential, and imagined—by not
allowing him to stray more than fifteen feet in any direction.

We say it is acceptable, in an enclosed area such as a dog park or dog run, to remove the leash and allow the dog to run free.
Just make sure he runs and plays with non-Jewish dogs, who will respond quickly when their owners call them in case of danger,
trouble, or the appearance of lunatics about to do God-knows-what. Your dog will follow those dogs to their owners, where
you may put the leash back on and get back to your normal lives.

T
he basic equipment necessary for raising a Jewish dog is somewhat different from the basic equipment needed for raising a
conventional dog.

With a conventionally raised dog, equipment is mainly utilitarian. You buy things for their intended use, and if you or the
dog doesn’t “need” it, you don’t buy it.

When raising a Jewish dog, however, your goal is more ambitious. You still have need of the usual dog-related items such as
collars, leashes, and bowls. But bear in mind that you’re buying equipment not just to accomplish workaday tasks, but to create,
mold, and enhance your relationship with the dog.

One phrase you will find particularly useful when giving something to the dog, and then watching as he either doesn’t like
it or stops liking it, is “It’s never enough.”

Practice saying this phrase out loud (“It’s NEH-ver e-NUFF,” with the first syllable of “never” receiving the most emphasis),
either to yourself, to the dog, or to other people and/or their dogs, until you can repeat it with a combination of fatalism
and resignation.

When you say it, this is what you are communicating via subtext: I give the dog all these things that he wants, or that he
should want, or that I would want if I were a dog, and he still wants other things. This is abusive to me, but I will endure
it without complaint because of how selflessly I love the dog.

Obviously, this is a key phrase for invoking Situational Martyrdom (see page 57). It can also function as a sort of an introductory
throat-clearing warm-up for guilting the dog. (For example, “How can you not like these? They’re
cheese-flavored plastic squirrels
! Man, it’s never enough, is it?” Pause. “Do you know how much these things cost? Plus shipping?”)

The “It’s never enough” phrase is essential as you become adept at pampering the dog.

As we explain in chapter 3, the first stage of our Basic “Training” Procedure calls for “Unconditional Love.” How do you display
such love? First, of course, in the usual physical and emotional ways: hugging, petting, scratching, tickling, baby-talking,
and all the other ways you express the fact that you’re just crazy about your dog.

You also, naturally, will want to provide the physical necessities for the dog’s survival and good health, including food,
water, a place to sleep, and so forth.

And then there’s pampering.

For most owners, pampering involves giving the dog luxuries, bonuses, accessories, extras, presents, special rewards, a-little-somethings,
and everything else above and beyond the necessities. But when you’re raising a Jewish dog, pampering is not something you
do on a whim or because you’re in a good mood or because the dog has done something special.

When raising a Jewish dog, pampering
is
a necessity.

And there are many different ways to do it. That’s why we have devised what we call “The Six-Pointed Mogen David Star of Pampering.”
It illustrates the six basic (and different) ways to pamper your dog. All of them, of course, display your Unconditional Love
for the dog. But they also serve a number of other, equally important functions:

HOW TO RAISE A JEWISH DOG

As you can see, with these six different forms of pampering the range of items you can buy for the dog is infinite. If the
dog likes it, or used to like it, or her friends like it, or if you like it, it’s appropriate. Thus, anything from a squeaky
plastic bone to a two-bedroom apartment in Rio de Janeiro can be bought “for the dog.”

Still, some products are more important than others. Let’s review them now.

Most dogs have coats, and so don’t particularly “need” sweaters. Still, when the weather turns cold in autumn and winter,
a person or a dog could catch pneumonia and drop dead at any minute, because you never know. So a sweater is always a good
idea. Besides, there is no better way to show the world your capacity for love and concern—not to mention style and sophistication—than
by strolling around the neighborhood with a dog wearing a sweater.

People have asked us why, since we live in warm, subtropical Florida, we even consider dressing our dogs in sweaters. But,
as anyone who lives in or has visited these areas can tell you, whether you’re in the humid Deep South or the dry desert Southwest,
you spend most of your time in freezing air-conditioning. We ourselves wear sweaters indoors the year-round, and so do our
dogs.

Booties, or small boots, are not particularly appropriate for larger dogs, who will often display their resistance to wearing
them by tearing them off with their mouths and eating them. For smaller dogs, however, booties offer protection from snow,
ice, slush, and even just cold sidewalks. Booties are also very cute and can form a nice ensemble with sweaters.

Dog in goggles: absolutely necessary when allowing dog to ride in car with head out the window or when shopping at upscale
retailers

Unlike sweaters and booties, scarves probably don’t keep the dog that much warmer. But they can be very stylish and dashing,
so much so that when you see your dog in a scarf you feel good. And if you feel good, then by definition the dog feels good.
That’s why we recommend that your dog wear scarves—because it makes him happy.

There is probably no health benefit to be gained by having the dog wear a hat. Still, as long as your dog is going out in
a sweater, booties, and scarf, what’s the harm?

One of the best ways to pamper the dog is by giving him toys, and the range of toys available at pet stores or online is immense.
Just bear in mind that it is impossible to predict which squeaky bone or nub-covered ball your dog will like (if any), or
how long he’ll like it before abandoning it forever.

Not only that, but it’s also very common for a dog to ignore a pet toy expressly designed for him in favor of one of your
shoes, a sock, a stuffed animal, a discarded Barbie doll, an old towel, or any other object in the home.

That’s why, when clients ask us which toys they should purchase for their dogs, we generally advise buying one of every toy
in the pet store, plus one of everything available online, and letting the dog figure it out. In so doing you’ll have satisfied
all six categories illustrated in the Six-Pointed Mogen David Star of Pampering
and
you’ll have a great story to tell friends and family about how enslaved you are to the (ungrateful) dog.