How to Raise a Jewish Dog (11 page)

When raising a Jewish dog, what kind of food should you feed him?

The answer to this lies in the meaning of food, not for the dog, but for the owner. For the owner, food is the currency by
which the dog expresses his love. That’s why not-eating, as discussed above, sends so many troubling messages. When the dog
doesn’t eat, the owner takes it to mean: You don’t love me.

Therefore we advise owners raising Jewish dogs to keep on hand, at all times, every possible kind of dog food, except for
poison ones that contain wheat gluten from China. Be sure to stock “wet” (i.e., canned), dry, cheap, pricey, chicken, beef,
lamb, fish, and every other flavor on the market. The idea is to provide the dog with every possible opportunity to eat. If
(or, rather, when) the dog turns up his nose at one, try another, or three others.

A different strategy for feeding has been gaining popularity in recent years: preparing homemade dog food in one’s own kitchen.
We find this very exciting and encourage all owners at least to consider it, for these reasons:

The dog will eat better.
Most people are capable of preparing food, in their own kitchens, that is more delicious and nutritious than commercial dog
food.

You will look virtuous.
When you make the dog’s food yourself, you display to the dog, to yourself, and, most important, to the world, just how fully
and selflessly you love the dog. How will the world know about this? It will be up to you to tell it. We have discovered that
people who prepare their own dog food have little, if any, difficulty working that fact into any conversation with friends,
relatives, neighbors, retail clerks, colleagues, complete strangers, and so forth.

You improve your ability to “train” the dog.
By preparing the dog’s food yourself, you raise the stakes of the dog’s not-eating. You’ve gone to a lot of trouble. You’ve
made something superior in every way—and probably far superior to the foods the dog’s so-called friends are eating and which
the dog thinks are so special when he happens to eat over at one of their houses.

Thus, when the dog doesn’t eat the food that you yourself have prepared, he is easily guilted and made to feel that the significance
and meaning of food, appetite, health, emotion, love, loyalty, obligation, and gratitude are all completely mixed up and inextricably
combined. This is the perfect state in which he can be taught all the other lessons involved in being raised Jewish.

Of course, making his food yourself means accepting the responsibility, if the dog doesn’t eat what you’ve prepared, to find
out why. Is it the peas he doesn’t like, or the carrots? Is it the parsley he finds objectionable, or the leeks? Is it the
white mushrooms that put him off, or the portobellos? You’ll have to employ a certain amount of scientific rigor and experiment
by serving the same dish prepared seven or eight ways, each with a different ingredient removed, to find out what he doesn’t
like. Be prepared to discover, when you finally do figure it out, that he’s changed his mind and that you have to start all
over again.

We know that most owners are busy people and that preparing dog food is not exactly near the top of their list of things to
do. Still, we urge you to think about it. The Internet is full of recipes you can try when cooking for your dog. We also invite
you to look for our book of dog food recipes—all tasty, easy to prepare, and with a Jewish flair—when it comes out next year,
entitled
Try It, You’ll Lick It.

The question of whether to feed the dog table scraps is a perennial source of controversy in the dog world.

Some say table scraps should be absolutely verboten, that human food spoils the dog’s appetite for dog food and introduces
sugar, fat, and other unhealthful ingredients into the animal’s diet. Add to this the well-known dangers of chocolate and,
some believe, tomatoes, and the perils of sharp bones that can splinter.

Others believe that table scraps, when selected and doled out judiciously, are harmless treats that please the dog and strengthen
her affection for the owner.

With regard to raising a Jewish dog, we have decided we are comfortable with the latter position, with an important qualification.
First, though, we must reiterate: never give the dog anything chemically or physically dangerous.

That being said, we advise that the presentation of a safe, modest portion of table scraps be accompanied by the appropriate
verbal instruction, as set forth in the following table:

“This is excellent lox, so I hope you appreciate it, although I’m sure you don’t.” Criticizing dog while giving him a special
treat is for his own good.

What to Say When Serving Table Scraps

Water is of course necessary for life itself, and normal dogs should have available to them, at all times, a bowl of clean
drinking water. It is usually placed on the floor in the kitchen beside the dog’s food bowl.

We recommend, for a dog being raised Jewish, that you leave a bowl of clean drinking water on the floor of every room in the
house, as well as in the larger or most-trafficked hallways. True, your dog, if he is in another room of the house, is perfectly
capable of traveling to the kitchen to drink water. But thank God he doesn’t have to! Why should your dog have to walk a long
way to get precious, life-sustaining water?

As you would expect in a country obsessed with both eating and dieting, there is an ongoing debate in the United States over
the question “What is overfeeding?” Should a dog be allowed to eat all she wants, on the assumption that she must still be
hungry? Or does every dog have an optimum weight, mandating that the owner protect her from recreational (or, worse, neurotic)
overeating?

We find ourselves somewhere in the middle of this controversy. Our policy is: Don’t overfeed the dog. Still, if you do, is
that so bad? At least the dog isn’t skin and bones, which people notice and which creates a bad impression.

It is essential, in raising a Jewish dog, that the dog and owner do absolutely everything possible together: eating, sleeping,
socializing, and, yes, exercising.

Interestingly, people and dogs approach exercise from two different angles. Most people exercise because they feel they have
to; dogs exercise because they want to. Even lazy, indolent dogs who don’t particularly want to exercise are happy to go for
a walk, which provides them with opportunities to smell new things. And who is to say that smelling new things isn’t, in some
wonderful and mysterious way, a form of canine exercise? Not us!

Then again, not all human forms of exercise are appropriate for the dog. Consult the following table to see what kinds of
workouts will “work.”

Exercising with Your Dog: Good and Bad Examples

In general, by exercising we mean hiking or walking—and not, therefore, “playing” in the relatively safe confines of a dog
run or other, similar kind of park. Exercise is a prolonged activity that, by definition, takes you and the dog away from
the security of the home and into unfamiliar neighborhoods or city streets, canyons, fields, forests, beaches, highways, and
other potentially dangerous places.

For this reason, because it’s better to be safe than sorry and you never know what kind of lunatics are out there, we suggest
the following equipment as a bare minimum for exercising.

Working out with a Pilates ball is not appropriate for dogs. As for the Pilates benches with the mats and the weights and
the pulleys, don’t even go there.

•
First aid kit: In case of falls, scrapes, attacks by coyotes or other dogs, etc.

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Bottled water: One for you, one for dog. Better yet, two for each.

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Benadryl: For snakebites, allergies (the dog’s), poison ivy, etc.

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Material or a sweatshirt: For fashioning a sling, “sledge,” stretcher, or other device for physically transporting dog in
case of injury, or if it just gets too tired to walk anymore, or if it’s too hot

•
Cell phone: For summoning police, fire, EMTs, helicopters, coast guard, etc., in case of emergencies

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Camera feature in cell phone: For taking photos of how cute dog is so you don’t forget

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Swiss Army knife (10-blade minimum): For all-around survival needs

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Flare: For nighttime emergencies

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Crossword puzzle/book/iPod: To pass time while waiting for dog to come back

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Can of Mace: For warding off hoodlums, other (nasty) dogs and/or their owners

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Mini-bullhorn: To call dog after she runs off in search of God knows what

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Whistle: See Mini-bullhorn

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Squeaky toy: To lure dog back once she is in sight

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Snacks and cookies: To lure dog back

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Snacks and cookies for other dogs: To lure your dog back by showing her that other dogs are having a great time getting snacks
from you

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GPS tracking device: To avoid getting lost

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Tissues: To wipe away tears after dog “runs away forever,” until she comes back

•
Sunblock: In case looking for dog requires you to leave shaded area

•
Flashlight: For nighttime emergencies and for reading book