How to Raise a Jewish Dog (14 page)

We’ve all heard this truism—which refers to
physical
health—over the years, and, at least with regard to ordinary dogs, it is as true today as it ever was.

However, things are more complicated when you’re raising a Jewish dog. This is not to say that a Jewish dog’s physical health
isn’t important; it’s extremely important, and the owner should approach it with a combination of concerned attention and
intelligent oversight, enhanced with mild anxiety, plunging fear, and unrestrained hysteria.

But, increasingly, science has shown that a Jewish dog’s mental and emotional health is in many ways even more important.
We’re not surprised. After all, the central fact of the Jewish dog’s life is psychological—that is, his relationship with
the owner.

Importance of Mental Health in Common Household Pets

That’s why we’ve taken to saying around the Seminary, “As long as you, and the dog, have your psychological, mental, and emotional
health, you have everything. Because if you don’t, you can’t get out of bed. And then who cares about your physical health?”

The graph above illustrates the relative importance of mental and emotional health among Jewish dogs as compared to that of
other common household pets.

We’ll discuss the dog’s mental, emotional, and psychological health (the health that really makes it Jewish) in a moment.
First, though, let’s address the issue of physical health.

Before you can go to a veterinarian, you have to find one. This is easier than it may appear. Simply talk to other dog owners
and ask for a referral. Then visit each vet’s office, bringing your dog with you. Take special note of the waiting area: if
it includes a television tuned to a daytime talk show, leave immediately. A vet whose clientele likes to watch
The Tyra Banks Show
or
The View
will probably fail to appreciate your dog’s unique qualities.

Instead, find a waiting room that has magazines that you like, or that you don’t mind other people liking. Then ask for a
preliminary consultation with the vet. When talking to him or her, look for four qualities:

1.
An understanding of how special your dog is

2.
An understanding that no one (except the vet) comprehends what you’re going through concerning the dog and everything else
in your life

3.
An understanding that you will spare no expense on behalf of the dog, although you’re not made of money

4.
An understanding that the dog will (as usual) fail to appreciate all the concern that you and the vet will display toward
him, but that you and the vet will just have to live with that, the way you (and, probably, the vet) always do

Once you have selected a vet who is suitably understanding to you and sympathetic about your life, tell him or her that you’re
“not one of those people who brings the dog in every time there’s some tiny problem.” Then, from that day forward, bring the
dog in every time there’s some tiny problem.

When you go in for an appointment and are waiting for the vet, trade pleasant small talk with other owners about how, when
the dog is sick, it’s like you’re sick. If they stare at you blankly and don’t understand, ignore them. If they nod and agree
and say that they do understand, ignore them. Because do they? Really?

However, if another owner’s response is to be competitive rather than sympathetic (by saying, for example, “You’re ‘sick’?
I would love to be ‘sick.’ I should be so lucky, ‘sick.’ When my dog is sick I don’t know why I just don’t give him a gun
and tell him to shoot me”), then that person, too, is raising a Jewish dog, and the two of you will have a lot to talk about.
Neither of you will listen to the other, but it will pass the time until the vet is ready to see you. And, if necessary, your
dog.

Sample medicine cabinet. Prescriptions not only encompass entire life of current dog, but entire lives of two previous dogs,
cat, turtle, and rabbit.

Fill all the vet’s prescriptions promptly. Note that, when the dog is cured, there may be some leftover medicine, whose function
you don’t really understand and which will, sooner or later, expire in potency and be essentially useless. Still, keep it
in your own medicine cabinet for the rest of your life, “just in case.” And don’t be afraid to spend a fortune on homeopathic
drugs, vitamins, supplements, and so forth, that don’t require a prescription and allow you to medicate, or pretend-medicate,
the dog on your own.

One of the characteristic behaviors of a Jewish dog is to become withdrawn or irritable from time to time. If you see your
own dog acting this way, rest assured that it is normal. Do not do what you customarily do when he gets a physical injury,
that is, do not become hysterical and rush him to the vet. Such a response, no matter how well it has served you (and possibly
the dog) in the past, is inappropriate for this kind of problem.

This problem is psychological, not physical. It occurs when the owner loves the dog so very, very much, and wants only what’s
best for the dog, and tells the dog what to do and how to behave only for the dog’s own good, and ignores the dog’s protests
because the owner is a person and the dog is just a dog, that it all becomes a little too much. The dog recoils. He feels
as if his “self” isn’t being appreciated, or is being smothered, or obliterated, or whatever. He gets angry. But he can’t
lash out and express his anger at the owner because he’ll get into trouble and be punished. And so he swallows his anger.

He becomes depressed.

Now, in previous generations, an owner faced with such behavior from the dog would simply throw up her hands, or tell the
dog to go to his room until he cheered up or snapped out of it, or complain to others that the dog is moody. But today’s owners
are different. They’re more enlightened and more informed about human, and dog, nature.

Today’s owner understands that the dog has a point.

She realizes that she has been oppressing the dog in exactly the ways in which
she
was oppressed when she was a child. (You will recognize this as relating to stage 4, “Comfort and Reconciliation,” of the
Basic “Training” Procedure in chapter 3.) She feels terrible. She should know better! In fact she does know better. But now
what should she do to help the dog?

Bear in mind that these gloomy feelings, and the depressive lying around and staring and sighing and moping that they lead
to, form a “negative loop” in which the dog becomes trapped. Even if the original event that triggered them is over and done
with, still the bad feelings stimulate bad thoughts, which generate more bad feelings.

This can even happen with the relatively minor disappointments of everyday life. A dog who, for example, is sleeping or eating
or elsewhere in the home when the mailman arrives, and thus misses his daily opportunity to bark like a maniac and chase the
mailman away, may occasionally fall into a “misery spiral” over this relatively unimportant event. Very quickly “I missed
the mailman” turns into “I hate my life.”

The question then becomes: How do we shut down this negative loop?

We have discovered that in most instances the dog can be “cured” via one or more of a series of positive messages, inspirational
sayings, and uplifting bits of life wisdom commonly known as “affirmations.”

Now, when humans make use of affirmations, they read and recite them out loud, to the universe, in order to hear themselves
say those words. Dogs, of course, can’t do this. So we have devised a series of affirmations to be read
to the dog by the owner, about the dog himself
.

The affirmation is read to the dog, who then repeats it to himself until he breaks free of the negative emotional loop and
feels better about everything.

We are currently compiling a complete collection of affirmations for dogs, which we intend to publish under the title
Arffirmations
. For now, however, we present a handful of these positive, upbeat messages guaranteed to improve your dog’s mood. They appear
in the following table, along with the kinds of behavior that can alert you to the problem, and the negative emotional states
they are meant to cure.

Dealing with the Depressed Dog: The Affirmations