How To Walk In High Heels: The Girl's Guide To Everything (28 page)

Health and safety logic suggests that desktops are better than laptops for greater use as you stoop less to use these. Whatever you use, never sit for too long at a computer without stretching or taking small breaks; however drastic the deadline, you will be crippled, and that really isn’t chic.

Deskercises

Once the computer is set up you can avoid locking your shoulders, and visits to the physio, by doing these simple exercises.

Shoulder shrug
: Help relieve neck and shoulder tension build-up. Sitting straight on your chair, roll your shoulders back, pulling the shoulder blades together and puffing your chest out. Roll shoulders in clockwise motion then repeat in an anti-clockwise motion.

Head turns
: Tilt head from side to side, left to right, ear to shoulder. You can also roll your head, tilting head right back to relieve any developing neck tightness.

Don’t forget your fingers!
: Stretch your hands out to their fullest span. Every now and then imagine you are playing a quick couple of piano scales, albeit in mid air, to relax fingers right through to their tips.

If anyone in the office looks friendly you can ask if they want to give you a shoulder massage.

Culture

Microserfs
by Douglas Coupland (Flamingo, 1996).

Eerily accurate view of Silicon Valley – and it name-checks Microsoft. Guess Bill Gates was just too busy to sue. It is now being made into a film by Universal.

Artemis Fowl
by Eoin Colfer, (Viking, 2001).

Artemis Fowl is to computers and codes what Harry Potter is to wizardry, but he is using his technopowers for evil, world domination and fights against fairies. He’s only twelve when the saga of his ingenious decoding and criminal career starts. This is also being given the Hollywood treatment by Miramax and Robert De Niro’s company, Tribeca.

Weird Science
: downloading perfect woman from internet.

You’ve Got Mail
: Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks cheese.

The Net
: Sandra Bullock in bikini using laptop; she must have burnt her legs.

2001
:
A Space Odyssey
: HAL set the world’s expectations for computers.

The Matrix
: think about it. The Matrix is the internet of the future.

AI
: or are computers with emotion one step too far?

How to Climb the Career Ladder

‘Mr Smithers picked me for my motivational skills. Everyone always says they have to work twice as hard when I’m around’
Homer Simpson
,(
Dan Castellaneta
) in
The Simpsons

How to deal with office dramas

Now you know how to deal with the equipment, you will be eminently more employable than you were before. The office is not only a way to make your mark on the world, to fulfil your ambitions and shine, it can be sociable and fun – on good days. An office can be somewhere you go to, or can be at home; that depends on the job. But if you are working from home try to keep all your work in one part of the home, and discipline yourself to work designated time slots, just like you would do in an office. ‘Conquer the career in the day, and be the life and soul of the party at night’ is an even more important rule for those working from home; you must not forget to stop. You do not have to work extra hours just because you are doing it from home but likewise you have to be your own boss and make sure you get the work done. If starting on the career ladder try to learn in an office environment.

They say never mix business with pleasure, but that all depends on you; it can certainly help encourage you to get to work on time if there’s a chance of a message in your Inbox, or a frisson to enjoy in the lift. If you work in a très specialised area, such as brain surgery or mushrooms, most likely you will have interests in common with your colleagues. But as with all things, a note of caution: don’t let a passionate love affair eclipse glittering career opportunities. Nor should you ever succumb to sexual harassment in the workplace. Behave professionally to others and in a way that you wish to be treated yourself.

How to get a job

To fund the lifestyle of an independent woman you need to hold down a job, unless you’ve been born into royalty. It may be nice to be born with a big silver spoon, but there are few things as satisfying as earning your own keep, knowing the value of money, and achieving your own goals. Honestly.

To choose what job you would be able to excel at, first you have to write your résumé/CV. This will list all your achievements, education and awards. Then think of what you enjoy, what you are good at, and where you see yourself working. Is it in an office or in a field? Target what it is that you are looking for and tailor your CV to fit.

You should aim to make your CV as impressive and as economic with the truth as possible. This is not to say lie, no, a CV is the paper version of an advert, and you have one side of A4 to sell sell sell yourself.

If first impressions count then this is what you have to concentrate on making irresistible. List previous jobs, and responsibilities. Employers like to see that you have stayed in a position for a certain length of time, so do not list all the babysitting jobs that you have ever done. Likewise, even if you did work in Starbucks for three years every Thursday evening, think: will this be relevant to getting onto a law conversion course?

A successful CV will lead to an interview, and for this you have to wear your most sensible and executive outfit, have a knowledge of current affairs, know why their company is perfect for you, and be able to sell yourself – rather than sell your soul/body. Go to interviews pressed, punctual and prepared. Ask as many questions as you have fired at you. Size up the competition as much as the company and scope for promotion.

Once the job is yours, and you have secured the regular pay packet, the climb on the career ladder can begin. When you have been hired you can start to put all your great ideas into play, inspire teams and develop leadership skills, as well as listen and learn. Nothing can beat first-hand experience.

How to be very busy doing nothing

Obviously you want to come across as very hard-working, very keen and very efficient, and very often you are. But we all have days when we need to go slow, or have other things on our mind, so do not overdo it in your enthusiasm to impress. Look too capable and you will never have any you-time. Don’t get yourself lumbered with so many tasks you have to move your pillow and sleeping bag under your desk. A job is to fund a lifestyle, not eclipse it. Work to the best of your ability, get the job done, even take work home, but do not let it consume you.

Keep your desk very tidy, and constantly keep papers sorted, Post-it notes updated, biros with lids on and stationery drawer full. Chaos is time-wasting and stressful. File papers into ‘to do’ and relevant subject piles. Being organised now saves time in later panics.

To keep noisy people away from your desk, so you have enough time to paint your nails properly, try tutting as you shuffle paper. Mutter under your breath (audibly) one-liner clues such as ‘Oh, I’ve got so much to do’, ‘Phhh, won’t be able to take any time for lunch today – might have to order in, snowed under.’ They should take the hint and leave you alone. But if you think they haven’t been witnessing the Oscar-winning performance of the ‘stress’ you are under, you can
always
resort to an ‘emergency call’.

‘Hi, you know I hate making personal calls from work [ting, first gold star], but listen, I have no time [ting], I am swamped. I am sorry I can’t see you tonight [ting]. I have to put my work first [ting].’ That is a four-star performance, top marks. Not only is it a great way to dump someone, but it will raise impressed eyebrows in the office. So what if you left this message on your answerphone at home? Dress for the job you want, and act like it’s already yours. Use Melanie Griffith in
Working Girl
as your inspiration.

How to surf the web unnoticed in the office

Now the office is aware that they need to leave you to get on with your heavy workload you can get back to surfing the net for your ideal mini break or mini skirt. Well why shouldn’t you? Being a computer whiz you emailed in over the weekend, and spent Sunday doing research, call it time in lieu.

But just in case anyone decides to come snooping round your side of the office, have a few documents open on screen – thank God you mastered Windows – that you are genuinely meant to be working on. Also locate a very dry, official-looking web page; that way, if anyone wanders just a little bit too close, you can click on the scary ‘hardworking page’ and shoot them a look of utter contempt that they thought you would be doing anything other than the task at hand.
They
might have time for tea breaks, but you most certainly do not.

As with emails (see How to send an email), be slightly careful how much of your soul you unburden on the net as big corporate companies tend to have hard drives on back-up. If you are plotting to spit in your boss’s tea perhaps plan it via Hotmail, which cannot be detected on the company scan system. Perhaps any shopping (the most dangerous sites being
www.net-a-porter.com
or
www.brownsfashion.com
) should be delivered to your home, unless you need to do a try-on session and get second opinions. Argue that at least you will be in the office, able to answer questions and continue empire building, as well as model. Brains as well as beauty.

How to work on two hours’ sleep

Presuming that this is a self-inflicted problem and you cannot pull a sickie, you will have to don the shades and stagger into the office, especially if you threw the party or are the boss. It is likely that all the best gossip will occur on the one day you are off, and you wouldn’t want to miss this. Particularly if people are going to be talking about you. If you are planning a crazy evening, a Friday is the best night – as you can then languish in a semi-comatosed state for the rest of the weekend and not lose any pay. If this is
not
how things turn out then you have to suffer the consequences.

As soon as you arrive, state that you had the most dreadful food poisoning last night, and that you have only staggered in because you are a conscientious worker, but you need everyone to be very
very
quiet, and someone to get you a coffee – fast.

If you have only just landed that morning from an international jet set mission, albeit a holiday, and are cruelly expected into the office, go via your home to freshen up first. There are always delays at airports, so that should buy you a few hours; just remember not to turn your mobile on and give the game away. By the time you get into the office, have got your coffee, gone through your mail, voicemails and emails it should be at least lunchtime and you’ll be able to coast through the afternoon without biting too many heads off.

Do not book meetings for days such as these; you might physically be there, but being able to make a decision is unlikely. If you know you have a hellish week coming up, try to get an early night.

Note: you have no excuse not to come in the morning after the Christmas party, everyone will know that you were the one who ended up singing karaoke on the desk and went home wearing only a sprig of mistletoe. Christmas is a time to forgive, forget and be photographed . . .

How to create a filing system

When you start at an office you should be shown around, and as well as working out where the photocopier is, and who sits where, you should find out what sort of filing system they use, whatever your position. With the world domination of computers, filing is becoming more and more obsolete – hooray! – but filing systems are still very useful, and sorting papers is a great way to fill whole days when you don’t want to think, and occupy interns without them causing too much damage. It is always handy to keep hard copies of crucial information to hand.

First, decide what needs to be filed. Does this need to happen daily, weekly or monthly? Then how you will divide it – alphabetically by surname or first name, by company, by job number, by case, by what? Select what you need to put in each file. Find a filing cabinet and categorise all the files, then start to sort. In the first file, put a ‘how to use’ guide to your filing system, even add a contents list of where stuff is sorted, so if someone else is searching they have a slight chance of locating the information they need.

The more efficiently things are stored the easier they are to find, and the more time you get to spend on the more fun and creative things. Similarly, try to organise files on your computer, and divide into easily accessible sections, so that you can find letters, documents and so forth, however cryptic the file name.

How to use the office equipment

If you are working in an office try not to put yourself in the position of Little Miss ‘I know how to use all the office tools’. Executives don’t, they delegate. This is what you should aspire to; you are not aiming to be general dogs-body, but future President – but keep that to yourself. Ambition can scare some people. While being shown how to do the faxing, or admin, just you watch how a great boss will glaze over so that they are never asked to perform this task again, but will find someone else to do it. Bingo. Learn from them.

Treat every time you approach the photocopier as if it is your first time. There is no point learning and trying to remember how to use these machines because just as you have cracked it, it will do something temperamental, break down or they will upgrade to a new model just as you have sussed where the On/Off button is. IT departments were invented for a reason. Similarly, colour and complex enlargements or scanning jobs mean a visit to an expert, and could coincide nicely with an extended lunch break.