I am America (and so can you!) (78 page)

What the fuck are you doin’?! You gonna scoop the cheese off the ground too? No?

Well, what the fuck good are nachos without the cheese? I don’t care how old he is, if he’s so upset, let him cover his fucking ears. What? Go ahead say it again! Say it agoddamngain, go ahead! I don’t a give shit, Deb! No, I won’t sit down!

I’m gonna get more beer.

Watch out, man. Beers coming through. Sack! Shit, yeah! Did you see that Deb!?

How’s the turf taste, Sixteen? Huh? How’s that taste! You suck! You suck shit! Right Deb?

Some Americans spend their Sundays in church, but football is my religion. This is where I worship, in the house that Lombardi built. INTERCEPTION! Oh-oh-
OH

YEAH! YEAH! GO! GO! YEAHHHHHH! That’s what I’m talking about! That’s what I’m GODDAMN TALKING ABOUT! Touchdown! High five, Deb! ALRIGHT! You blow, Sixteen! Nice pussy-toss to the wrong team! You gay fag fuck! Whooohoooooooo!

FUN

It’s customary in the sport of baseball to have the sitting U.S. President throw out the first pitch of the season. Match the former chief of state with his historical toss. a

b

c

d

1 After his pitch had catcher stuffed and mounted

2 Handed ball to welfare queen

3 Lobbed two-finger V-sign sinker

4 Used his steam powered mechanical arm to hurl a perfect strike
UNJUMBLE THE HINT

2

R A N K L I N F D E L AO N O O S E V E L E T R 1 T E DY D RO S O E V E LT 3 C H A R D R I C H N I X N O 4 W I L L I A M H . TA F T

FUN ZONE: THE INTERACTIVE EDITION

LIAR’S POKER

If ESPN’s wall-to-wall coverage of poker is to be believed, lumpy, dour-faced, be-sunglassed middle-aged men are the new Titans of Sport. But 52 cards can be so bulky to carry around in your wallet.

Well, here’s a game where all you need are the bills in your pocket. We take turns bidding on the total number of certain digits in the serial numbers found on U.S. currency. The digits are ranked in the following order: 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 0, 1 (aces). I always play with twenties.

I’ll start. I bid five aces. Send me your twenty to see if you’ve won!

fig 8.
S T E P H E N C O L B E R T

C H A P T E R 6

“Feel like makin’ love.”

–Bad Company, bad influence

THAT I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION, I

NOW
WANT TO TALK ABOUT SEX.
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IF I

HAD TO SUM UP SEX IN ONE WORD,

IT WOULD BE THIS ONE: “SEX IS

POWER.” AND IF I HAD AN EXTRA WORD: “SEX IS A GIFT

FROM GOD.” BUT BEFORE I GO ON TO THE GOOD STUFF,

AND BELIEVE ME THIS CHAPTER GETS STEAMIER THAN A

coed clambake, there’s something I have to do. You see, I’m a role model. A lot
Thank you, Elvis!

of young folks look up to me. And I don’t want to get them into trouble with sex. So if you’re a young person who’s not yet married, before reading on, you must read and sign the following pledge.

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You seem a little tense. I give a great massage—maybe that will loosen you up?

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I A M A M E R I C A ( A N D S O C A N Y O U ! )

SEX AND DATING CHAPTER PLEDGE FOR UNWED YOUTH

I, the undersigned, pledge to remain sexually abstinent until married to a person of the opposite sex and of legal age. I swear that any knowledge I gain in the following pages regarding human sexuality will be applied only in the private context of a nuptial bed, nuptial kitchen, nuptial bathroom floor, or incorporated into anecdotes to provoke awe in my peers. Should I one day successfully employ any of the information, tips, or techniques provided herein in conjunction with my spouse, I pledge that after a reasonable period of no longer than 24 hours I will credit it/them to Stephen Colbert. So help me God. Signature of Pledge-Taker:

Notarize here:

Signature of Pledge-Taker’s Parent or Guardian

All right, let’s get freaky.

As I mentioned, sex is power—the power to create life, the power to ruin your life, and the power to sex it up good. If you refuse that power, you’ll be cheating yourself, and in my case, hundreds of lovely ladies, out of something very special (my penis). But even though sex can be wonderful, it can also be scary, like a maniac, or a haunted house—two things that happen to go great with sex.

Now, before I stimulate you further, I should address a fundamental question: Why do we have sex? I’m on record as preaching abstinence. I talk about it on my TV show, elsewhere in this book, in pamphlets I hand out on street corners, and occasionally in sky-writing. But there is a proper time to have sex: when you want to reproduce. The body parts to which we are attracted are directly linked to child production and nurturing. For men, it’s the breasts that provide our offspring nutrition, the legs to which they cling, the lips that
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kiss the babies goodnight, and the small of the back that teaches our children about the folly of tattoos.2

For women, it’s the balls. Nothing the ladies love more than a big sack. I mean something a cartoon bandit would carry out of a bank.

Whew. Racy stuff. That poetic description of what a woman yearns for may
Sexy!

have heated the blood of some of my female readers, even some of those who signed the abstinence pledge. Remember, you took an oath! So, here’s a little scripture sorbet to cool your palate.

“It is God’s will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid
sexual immorality.”

—1 Thessalonians 4:3

Exactly. It may be Chad’s will that you chug a few wine coolers and drive up to the lake, “’cause it’s really beautiful up there,” but who are you going to listen to on this one: an omnipotent deity or a management trainee at Outback Steakhouse?

Regional
manager,

maybe

And for any male readers who found my bandit imagery arousing, here is another passage:

“If a man lies with a man as one lies with a woman, both of them have
done what is detestable. They must be put to death.”

—Leviticus 20:13

This is not homophobic.

It’s homo-cidal.

Okay. Sexual fire quenched. Let’s move on.

RIGHT THERE! Sex is like the death penalty: one outcome, so many different ways of carrying it out.

STRAIGHT TALK:
Even though both men and women enjoy sex, they approach it very differently. Let’s be honest. Men think about sex non-stop, and that’s not just a stereotype. It happens on sitcoms and in advertisements all the time.

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If you think temporary tattoos are okay, perhaps I can interest you in some temporary eternal damnation?

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