I am America (and so can you!) (79 page)

I A M A M E R I C A ( A N D S O C A N Y O U ! )

They even have a

Women don’t feel that way about sex. They prize emotion over physicality.
different word for it:

“Love.”

They want a partner who is considerate and attentive, who will spoon them while reciting Keats and feed them organic yogurt by candlelight on a seaside cliff at sunset.

But here comes the Women’s Studies Brigade, railing about how Colbert is reinforcing gender stereotypes. Well, ladies, we have those stereotypes for a reason—a reason I can’t remember right now because I’m too busy thinking about sex more than you do. Don’t be a knuckle sandwich. The sooner we
Pink = girl, blue = boy.
accept the basic differences between men and women, the sooner we can stop
(Though powder blue

is a little fey.)

arguing about it and start having sex.3

THE TAKE-ME-HOME:
Treat sex like alcohol. Whether you sip it or chug it or have a destructive chemical dependency on it, make sure you’re in control. When you bring that frosty can of sex to your lips, you’d better be the one calling the shots. One way to tell if you’re losing control is if during the past three months, in order to get more sex in a shorter amount of time, you have
Don’t become a slave
resorted to using a funnel.

to sex. Agree on a

safe word.

WHEN ANIMALS ATTACK OUR MORALS

As you can see, when you follow the rules there is nothing more beautiful than two mature people who are in a committed, loving relationship doing something unspeakably debasing.

The key word there is “people,” because when it comes to

doing “it” right, there is no greater threat to our democratic

sexual values than the Animal Kingdom. Every day, scientists report more species engaging in homosexual behavior, while cable television offers a full slate of animal sex propa-
Chilling endorsement of
human/ape relations

ganda ranging from Animal Planet to
Dora the Explorer.

Our proud tradition of structured human courtship is under attack—the lions are circling, waiting for our children to wander away from the village so they
Odds are it’s a

can hump in front of them.

gay pride.

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3
Although sometimes there’s nothing better than having sex while arguing.

Need proof? Look no further than where animals rank on my continuum of sexual morality:

BAD

GOOD

4

Gay stuff

“Doggy Style”

Missionary

Missionary

Position

position, followed

Pity sex

by firm handshake

Accidental

Here be dragons

Non-historical

Immaculate

role-play

Conception

“Fishy Style”

Emotionless

Anything done

Congress

through a sheet

For our future’s sake, Nation, I resolved to learn everything there is to know about these godless Zoodomites. Join me as I barge into Nature’s bedchambers, shining the spotlight of my judgment on its bestial copulations.
BRIEF LIST OF ANIMALS THAT HAVE SEX

1. Dogs

2. Elephants

3. Spiders

4. Bears

5. Owls

6. Whales

7. Barn Owls

…and
hundreds more.

Folks, in the Animal Kingdom, you can’t turn over a rock without finding a half dozen
earthworms
doing the horizontal spermatophore, with nary a wedding ring in sight. Like we don’t have enough fatherless annelids crowding our driveways and compost heaps. I don’t care if you are an adult in worm years, Mr. Worm—if you can’t handle tending a few thousand cocoons, don’t ventrally fertilize your hermaphroditic partner.5

And did you know that
ants
have sex? It can’t be for procreation—there are
Aunts also have sex.
plenty of ants already. No, the simple truth is they delight in fornicating—and in plain sight of human picnics, no less. I guess that’s part of the sick thrill. 4
Believe me, what dogs actually do is far worse than their namesake style.
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5
If you lost your lunch at “spermatophore,” then whatever you do, don’t look up “hemipenis.”

I A M A M E R I C A ( A N D S O C A N Y O U ! )

I VOTE “NEIGH”: Sorry horses, but the only thing I want to see mounting another horse is a jockey.

If humans should be following anyone’s example, it’s the
tiger
. Males and females lead chaste, solitary existences for almost their entire adult lives, until the man decides it’s time to have children, spends months tracking a mate without her knowledge, then with a mighty roar leaps from the underbrush and snarls until the female performs a sexy dance. When the male is sufficiently entertained he bites her neck and initiates the miracle of life, I’m sure in a loving way. Sometimes the most beautiful, intimate connections only occur after a good, long stalking. I think it’s easy for humans, especially women, to forget that. And really, ladies, when’s the last time you worked on your sexy dance?

Unfortunately, most of today’s women resemble
bowerbirds
that force suitors to build elaborate nests of twigs, leaves, and discarded garbage before choosing a mate. Any male who doesn’t meet her standards doesn’t get to
Saw this on PBS, but

mate that year; one assumes he just stays in his bower, reads bower manuals,
I didn’t pledge a cent.
and watches bowerbird porn. Hey gals, not every guy is Ryan Gosling from
The Notebook.

Even worse is the
seahorse
. The man seahorse shoulders the burden of carrying baby seahorses to term. The seahorse is by far the most whipped animal, and by far the most frequently cited in my own marriage. Of course, you could also be a male
octopus
, who after a lovely evening of cephalopod merriment, gently fills one of

his arms with sperm before detaching said arm and watching

it crawl into his life-mate’s mantle cavity. Oh, don’t worry, he doesn’t feel a thing BECAUSE HE’S DEAD. Remember how

he
detached part of his body?
It just proves that even under the sea, women will go to any length to limit a man’s options.

Is this an octopus

Hold on to those arms, fellas, I don’t care if she has the ocean’s
mating? Who knows?

most iridescent chromatophores.

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By far the most promiscuous animal is the
bonobo
, a species of chimpanzee that will apparently swing on any vine: girl-ongirl, guy-on-guy, something called “penis fencing.” All they’re missing is a sub-class of bonobo pornographers to roll tape

they can sell to hard-luck bowerbirds.

Their “monkey

business” ?

Peddling smut.

Luckily, for every bonobo there’s a…
New Mexico whiptail

lizard!

Wondering why you’ve never heard of these from the Free-Animals’-Willies crowd? Maybe it’s because they don’t have sex at all. They reproduce by parthenogenesis, the way God intended. It’s got Genesis right there in the name. It’s a travesty that these reptilian paragons of morality go sorely neglected as high school mascots, while sex fiends like Hawks, Cougars, and Wildcats get stitched onto our daughters’ sweaters!

GUT CHECK:
So far, you’ve learned everything you always wanted to know about sex that I was willing to tell you. Except one thing: how to get it. In olden days, it was simple. You just accepted her along with a large amount of gold to cement the merger of your Empires. But today it can be so complicated.
TALES FROM THE HEART:

The year: yesteryear.

The scene: a bowling alley.

I was on my first date with Tr-cy G-ll-w-y (as a gentleman, I never reveal the vowels in the names of my former conquests).6 She was a dark-haired beauty I had met the previous Sunday at a fraternity mixer. Back then, I was shy, and it had taken me all night to work up the courage to send a letter to her parents requesting their permission to take her out. Lucky for me, they had returned it with the “yes” box checked. So here I was, watching lovely Tr-cy approach the lane with a determined stride. Needless to say, I crushed her, 134 to 62. Women
I got to th-rd b-s-.
respond to dominance, and when I got that tenth frame spare, I knew I had sealed the deal.

MY TURN: I’ve had hundreds of girlfriends.

6
Tr-cy G-ll-w-y is actually a composite of several girls I dated, including Tracy McGee and Evie Galloway.
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I A M A M E R I C A ( A N D S O C A N Y O U ! )

Growing up, I lived in a strict household. All I knew of the opposite sex was what I read on my mom’s shampoo bottles. Women cared about smelling terrific, and they liked to be made to feel soft, silky, and very shiny. While other kids started “petting” and “going down to petting town” as early as sophomore year, I was a late bloomer. But I don’t regret it, because once I bloomed, I
I have received many

turned out to be just what women love: a sex flower.

compliments on my

stamen.

I’ll admit it: I miss my swinging bachelor days. I used to have dating down to a science. But now that I’ve permanently and happily hung up my single-guy
It’s on a hook in

sombrero, I’m glad to share my trade secrets with the next generation.
my attic.

FOR THE LADIES

Dating Do’s

First, some crucial advice:
Be on your guard.
You might be looking for a life partner, but your date’s most likely looking for a disco partner. Being cautious lets a man know that he’ll have to put in some effort to make your acquaintance, and the right kind of guy will respect you for it. That said,
show some cleavage.
It lets a man know that you’re confident enough to show some cleavage. So put on something that makes you feel like he’ll feel you’re sexy, and get ready to have fun. If you go out to dinner,
let him pay.
You deserve it. Plus, offering to pay makes you look like you’ve got money to burn. Before you know it, he’ll be hitting you up for loans and asking to borrow your car. I’ve done it dozens of times. And during the meal,
order something that will get his attention
,
Except maybe

like a side of bacon for dessert. I can’t think of anything sexier.
Canadian bacon.

Exotic
.

FOR THE FELLAS

How to entice a woman

Real ladies want a Real Man. What’s a Real Man? Well, I’m a Real Man, and there’s nothing I can do about that, even though some people want me to apologize for it. Well, no go. I will continue treating a lady like a lady even though it’s enough to get you smacked with a lawsuit these days. My legal defense team has advised me not to say more about it than that.
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So, what is a Real Man, again?

A Real Man is someone who walks through life the way a pilot walks through an airplane. Cool, calm, and checking out the sexy stews. No matter how tough the situation gets, a Real Man never lets on about the faulty landing gear.
They’ll find out

soon enough.

The point is, if you want to attract the ladies, there are a few things you will need to know about being a man, and luckily for you, you’ve come to the right book.

How to tie a bowtie

Let’s face it—ladies like a man who looks good, and part of this means dressing well. In my line of work, I’m in a tuxedo all the time. It’s the Emmys one week, announcing a boxing match the next. But even if you’re a garbage man or you work at MSNBC, you’re going to want to know how to tie a bowtie. Clip-ons are for losers. Nothing ruins your special date night faster than having someone come up to you and say, “Can we get some more shrimp puffs?”

So here’s how you do it…