I am America (and so can you!) (80 page)

Start with the left end a little longer than the right end. That’s
your
left. If someone else is tying it on you, it’s their
right
. If you’re left-handed, you’re on your own. Now, slip the short end under the long end. After that, slip the long end under the short end.7 Now, fold the short end into a bow shape and, holding that against your neck, fold the long flap over the front of the tie. There should be a little pocket in there. Push the rest of the tie through that. Goddamn it!

That does not look right. Take that part of the tie out. Pinch it a little and feed it through there until it looks nice. Smooth out the right side. Slip a finger into the left bow. Pull the left bow through the hole. Great, it’s all jumbled. Try holding on to the right side. Man, this looks like shit. Let’s start again. Okay, grab the three layers on the right and gently pull the left bow through the hole. Flatten the left half of the front. That’ll have to do.

Hint: Buy an ascot.

How to act in the Men’s locker room

This really doesn’t have anything to do with dating, but hey, as a man it’s something you should know. The gym is a minefield of homo-danger. So watch your
The towel-snapping
alone

eyes. I recommend focusing on the lockers themselves. Examine the metal 7
That’s what she said!!!

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I A M A M E R I C A ( A N D S O C A N Y O U ! )

ventilation grooves and how the latch engages with the lock. One misplaced look can lead to all sorts of unpleasant misunderstandings. We’ve all been there. One minute you’re toweling off your shins, next moment you’re at a nightclub named “The Gandy Dancer” toweling off everything else.
How to ask out a woman

98% of the confusion in modern relationships starts right here. Be direct about your intentions, like this: “Good evening, (Insert Girl Name Here), would you be interested in going on a date and potentially bearing my children and quitting your job to raise them?” They’ll appreciate your candor. Don’t fall into the trap of saying something like “Hey, how would you like to hang out sometime?”

Then the girl doesn’t know if it’s a date or not. And one thing leads to another and the next thing you know you’re living with a woman who might just be
Flipside? She’ll

your friend.

go halfsies.

How to act on the first date

If you want your first date to lead to another, follow these two simple rules. One, ALWAYS order for the woman. She’s wrapped up in food issues. A woman is afraid if she orders the entrée she’s going to look like a pig, but if she only gets a salad, you’ll think she’s anorexic. Take the guilt and shame away from her. Plus, it lets her know who’s going to be in charge in the bedroom. Two, don’t do all the talking. It’s rude. Do two-thirds of the talking. That’s why I keep a chess clock in my jacket pocket.

Lower your expectations

A date doesn’t have to be perfect. You’re not going to the barber, for goshsakes. Are you about to meet the woman of your dreams? Probably not. So just think of each date as a love scrimmage to prepare you for the marriage playoffs. Nobody’s keeping score. But for the record, I’m winning.
Be a gentleman

Chivalry never goes out of style. Open doors; pull out chairs; offer to undo your own belt.

How to dance

No way around it, women will judge your potential in the sack by how you acquit yourself on the dance floor. So, a few rules. Never dance alone. If you
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have to, hover-dance around the perimeter of a group of women dancing together and wait for one to respond to your display. Try holding your arms
Pointing and
laughing is a

akimbo. In the poor lighting of a dance club, this makes you appear larger. If
response.
one of them does turn to you,
apply your move.
I do what I call the “Colbert Shuffle.” I shuffle to the left for four steps, then shuffle back to the right for four steps. Adjust to tempo.

THE COLBERT SHUFFLE

FINDING THAT SPECIAL SOMEONE

Let face it: Finding Mr./Miss Right is no picnic.

Have you tried

looking at a picnic?

But where others see a problem, I see a free-market opportunity. That’s why I’ve set up my own dating service for the Colbert Nation. I call it ColbertCoupling. It’s a great way for like-minded heroes like you to meet one another, and it should be up and running at the ColbertNation.com website by the time you read this.
[Editors note: Due to a class action lawsuit, this web service is no
longer available.]

My single friends say they’re frustrated with popular dating sites like eHarmony and Match.com. No matter how much they lie on their questionnaires, they can’t find that special someone. The problem is that too many of these sites rely on touchy-feely “emotional compatibility,” when really all that matters is that you agree on most things. And if you’re reading this, you do agree on most things, which are the things I agree on, so you’ve got a head start. Here’s a sample of the questionnaire potential lovebirds will encounter at my web portal. Why not stop by and give it a shot? (Especially if you’re a lady. Honestly, it’s kind of a sausage-fest at the moment.)

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