I Am Not Junco Omnibus: Books Four - Six (18 page)

What are you doing, Sera? Why are you doing this?

Junco, this is part of the plan. Tier's plan involves raising the Djed Pillars, and that part is my plan as well. But the Seven of you need proxies. Those ghosts are your sacrifices, remember?

Sacrifices? "Oh, God!" My head falls into my hands as this new horror hits me.

How did Inanna return from the world down below, Junco? How did she make it back?

I shake my head vehemently. Inanna. Again. She’s the cause of everything bad in my life. Her. Her stupid trip to the underworld, those stupid gates she had to pass, and those stupid people she needed to stand proxy for her mistakes. She broke the rules and went down below and then she broke them again by not having to face the punishment.

Answer me, Junco. Now.

She had stand-ins.

Yes, these friends are your stand-ins. I'm taking care of you and your Siblings, Junco. I want you to be able to return. I've made sure you have proxies. Understand?

"Junco?" Ashur is sitting next to me on the bed leaning down into my face. My head hangs low as I stare at my feet. I love my new Archer feet so much. I should really paint my toenails if I'm gonna wear sandals.

"Junco?" Gid is back and he's shaking me.

I look up and he stops his shaking. "What?" I take a deep breath and they both follow me. We exhale together. My vision starts to blur and I know he drugged me.

But can I blame him?

I'm an irrational mess. A tangle of so many psychoses there's probably no hope whatsoever of me ever being normal.

None.

I'm never gonna be normal. The only thing I have left to live for is—

Chapter Nineteen

—revenge.

My tongue is thick and sticky from the drugs when I wake.

I'm calm and that's something.

I'm also alone and that surprises me.

I use the bathroom, wash my mouth out, and gulp down water. The closet is filled with clothes that might be mine. I have no idea, but I find a pair of gray bed pants and a black tank top. I'm very fucking lucky no one thought to slip me into something more comfortable or else my whole SEAR secret would be out to everyone. If Tier hasn't already spilled it, that is.

Speaking of which, I really need to hand Gid's over to him before Tier blabs. I'm not about to piss Gideon off over that. SEARs are very personal and I know he's lived without one for years and that's gotta hurt. Me holding out on him is almost cruel.

But right now, I'm starving. The whole two-year morph hits me hard again. It sucks when you forget and then you don't.

I peek out my door and it's deathly quiet. I wonder where everyone else sleeps? Is this my room from before? Looks a little bit like it from what I can remember of the last time I was down here.

I go left because I'm pretty sure right takes me out towards the exit. Finding the kitchen is not a big deal, it's right around the next corner.

It's not just a kitchen, I notice now. It's got games around the perimeter, antique console games and pinball, like the kind Gid and I had back in the big room out at the Stag. A rec room, that's what we'd call it if we were still kids.

I walk to the food machines, thumb one to see if it works—it's set on free, so it does—and then choose mac and cheese.

Mmmmmm, vending machine mac and cheese.

I haven't had that for years. It smells so freaking good I almost die. I pull the steaming bowl out of the cooker and cop a seat at one of the tables that have been pushed aside to make room for our team circle. I chow that shit down like it's my last supper. I haven't eaten since I was at Hand's house in Dallas. That was several days ago now. I look down at my body and notice the curves are not so curvy.

They've sorta grown on me, especially how fantastic my girls looked in that dress.

I grab another bowl of mac and cheese and scarf that down too.

I'm almost finished when a game machine in the corner comes to life with a familiar hypnotic thrum.

Embryon
, it says in a techy man's voice.

Holy shit. I walk over to the game and stare at it, wide-eyed. It's our pinball game from the Stag. The one Gid and I used to play for days on end trying to get multi-ball.

My dad must've saved it or found another one like it.

Embryon freeball.

Isec appears at the control and pops the ball into play. He smiles over at me. "I've always wanted to play pinball, Junco."

"Isec?"

He looks exactly like he did the day I killed him back in Fledge Fight Seven. He's even wearing the nondescript uniform.

His attention is on the game, not me, so I watch. The backboard glass lights up and the female embryonic figure, wrapped up in a fetal position and encased in a membrane, flashes.

Embryon functional.

There's a man standing over her in a uniform. She's a clone in an egg sac.

Isten and Kush join Isec, both of them pushing and arguing about something I cannot hear. Their mouths move, but no sound comes out. Even Isec's voice is gone now. It makes me sad to miss his little-boy squeals as he hits the silver ball across the playfield.

"They're not of this world, Junco." Sera is standing next to me in her trademark silky dress. She waves her hand towards Isec. "They're spectral, but that should comfort you. A little, at least."

"Are they—dead?" I look up to her, wanting very badly for her to say no.

"Yes, of course they're dead."

Braun and Mish pop into view and Braun chews on his cigar. Then they're all there. Charlie and my Aren are laughing as my Isten grabs a cigar out of Braun's pocket and strikes it up.

Sera takes my hand and looks at me with perhaps the most concern I've ever seen her have for anything. "They will take your place, Junco. Each of your Siblings will be given a proxy. This is my gift to you. When we activate the Djed Pillars someone has to stay behind. And each of them has made it possible for your Siblings, and you, to have a life after we meet our destinies."

I watch her mouth but these words barely make sense.

"Did you hear me, Junco?"

My frown draws my brows down into a deep furrow as I watch the game.

"I promised you satisfaction, but—"

"But what?" I look up now and become angry. "You're gonna take that away from me too?" I turn and cry unexpectedly, all my defenses gone. "Why bother living, Sera? Why? I can't do this anymore. I'm crazy. I have nobody, I have nothing."

She puts a hand on my shoulder and leans into my ear. "I was going to say, I promised you satisfaction but I believe I owe you happiness, Junco. I will give you happiness if you will just trust me."

I say nothing, just stand there watching Isec flip the silver ball from one end of the game to the other. It hits the blue targets up in the right corner and sets up the multi-ball. The bumpers take over and the ball is taken captive in a holding area. He pops another ball into play and shoots that one into the next holding area, like he's been playing this game his whole life. A few more balls, a few more setups, and then he's ready.

"The crazy will wear off, Junco. I promise. And you have all these people here who love you. Gideon and Ashur. And Tier. Everyone came here because they love you. Every single one. Even Lili, Aren, and Selia. And yes, Irin as well. They've all come to set it right so you can be done and this part of your life can be over."

"Does Tier know what you're doing?" I sniffle and look up to watch her eyes as she answers.

"No, he's not mine to order. But I promise you happiness, Junco. Please, just do what I tell you and it will all work out. And don't say another word about the proxies. I can't have Lucan messing things up."

I nod and let the tears fall again, willing myself not to notice that there are square tiles below my feet. Tiles just begging to be counted.

And then she's gone.

"Junco?"

My head swivels to meet Tier's question and the real world comes back to me in a rush. The pinball machine is talking to me.

Life support activated.

I turn back to the game and notice I'm the one playing, not Isec. I've got it all set up for multi-ball. My fingers move the buttons and the flippers push the ball around the playfield until I hit the targets in all the right places. The backglass flashes a bright white light that lasts for an exaggerated second, heavy with the expectation of what comes next, and then all the captive balls are released from where I stashed them during play.

Final stage in progress.

Embryon.

I was the embryon. My hair swaying in front of my face, lying there in the viscous morph gel, Inanna standing over me like the man on the backglass standing over that woman clone. I was her project. Her embryon. She set me up that way, she set Gideon up that way.
She played us like multi-ball.

I let every single chrome-steel ball slide down the playfield. Not one flipper makes to stop them, not one bumper gets in the way. I let them all drain down the middle, no longer held captive, no longer in play.

That's one sure way to end it, isn't it?

Just stop playing the game. Just quit.

I quit
.

The machine makes the familiar chk-chk-chk sound as the lights race in a circle around the freeball numbers. It clicks loudly. But I don't win a free game.

It's better that way, not to win. Because winning means you got lucky.

"Junco?" Tier asks me again. "Are you OK?"

I shake my head and let the tears flow down my cheeks as I count the tiles below my feet.
Two weaknesses are not allowed
.
You cannot cry and count or you will not be able to fight
. "No, Tier. I'm so fucking far from OK I have no idea how to get back."

I can hear his bare feet walk towards me and I whirl around, making him stop.

"And you're the reason, you know that? I was fine until you showed up talking your shit about my baby.
Mine
. Not yours, it was mine. And you wanna know the funny part, Tier? You wanna know?"

He nods at me, his face so serious it scares me. "Yeah, Juncs. Tell me the funny part."

The tears fall out in rivers. "I wasn't even—" I can't even finish it, I just break down and fall to the floor.

He sits next to me and pulls my head into his lap and lets me cry.

I count sobs instead of tiles this time. This is not going to end well.

"Ya weren't what, Junco?"

I sniff and rub the tears out of my eyes before I finish it. "Pregnant, Tier. I wasn't even pregnant."

He traces a pattern on my forehead as I fail to get myself under control. "How do ya know that, Juncs? How?"

I wail into his leg, the snot leaving wet streaks on his pants. It takes long stretches of minutes to bring myself back to reality. And when I come back he's still holding me. Waiting patiently.

"How do ya know, Junco?" Tier repeats.

I sit up, our clothes a filthy mess from the dirt and grime-covered floor that no one bothers to clean up anymore.

"I know because I left Sargassum so I could go get my HOUSE. And as soon as I let her inside me I started getting sick and wanted to throw up. It was Sera making me sick, not a baby. I was never pregnant and that hurts even worse than losing it." A single sob escapes before I can tuck it down. "Because there are no babies in my future, Tier." These words come out low and even. Almost emotionless. "There are
no
babies in my future."

He scoops me up and carries me back to my room, setting me on the bed like I'm a piece of glass or something, then climbs in behind me and pulls me close, his wings wrapping me up like a blanket. This hurts too. I don't even have wings anymore. All those battles in Fledge, all those deaths back on Amelia were inconsequential.

Because I'm something else now.

And nothing I did
before
even matters.

He presses his lips up to my neck and I feel him swallow just before his deep whisper floats across my cheek. "There are so many babies in your future, Junco, you'll forget you ever felt this sad one day. I promise."