I Can't Die Alone (12 page)

Looking over the back of the book, he caught me. My eyes were open and staring back into his. His smile lit up his whole face. 

“This Harry fellow sure knows how to cause a ruckus.”

I laughed, but only for a second. 

“Where’s Bo?” I asked. 

His face dropped and he looked at me with sad eyes. I knew those eyes well. Bo had the same look in his recently. 

“I’m not sure. He said he was going to take a walk,” Benjamin replied. “He’s having a hard time dealing you know? It seems like there is a part of him that’s dying with you. I know that’s hard to hear, but I swear that’s what it seems like.” He rested his hand on top of mine. “Every day that he sees you getting worse, he gets worse too. I’ve never seen him this upset before. I don’t want you to think that it’s your fault. He just can’t help it. He’s never had to deal with death before; especially not in someone he loves so much.”

“I need him,” I cried. “I don’t want him to be away from me, because I’m not strong enough to do this on my own. I know that makes me selfish, but I don’t care. He can grieve for me when I’m gone. I’m still alive.”

“I know honey. I know. Maybe if you talked to him. You’re in such good sprits today. He needs to see you like this. It would be good for him.”

I trusted Benjamin’s judgment. If anyone knew Bo, it was Benjamin. “Would you take me to him?” I asked.

“You sure you’re up for getting out?”

“No, but chances are Bo is sitting on our park bench and I’d like to see it one last time with him. Feeling bad or not, I need to get up.” 

He helped me get up from the bed and helped to settle me after I started to feel dizzy. My legs were weak and shaky since I hadn’t stood on them for a while. Glancing towards the window I noticed that the sun was setting and that it’d be dark before too long. I only had about an hour before the birds would disappear into the night sky, and I wanted to see them once more too. 

“If you’ll walk me to the bathroom to pee then I’ll wash my face. I just need you to help me slip on my shoes, and maybe find me a jacket. I’m already cold, and I imagine the night air will be freezing.” I explained.

“Sure thing kiddo,” he said. We made it to the bathroom and he helped me inside. He left the door open as he walked away just like the nurse had said. He wanted to be sure that he could hear me if I called for him. 

It took several minutes for me to use the bathroom just as it always did. My bladder didn’t work well anymore, and sometimes I’d have to force myself to go. Once my jogging pants were pulled back up around my waist I called for him. Benjamin came rushing in to help me. 

“I just need a wet rag.” I smiled half-heartedly. 

He pulled a cloth from the bathroom closet and wet it down for me. “Let me,” he said as he wiped the warm rag slowly across my face. I closed my eyes and reveled in the heat of it. I always felt so cold that the warmth sent chills down my body. “All clean. I never had daughters, and I have to admit that I’m not sure I could handle them.”

I brought my hand up to his and held it. “You would’ve done great. Look how good I turned out.”

His laughter filled the small bathroom. “Come on.” 

In the living room, he helped me slip on my tennis shoes and even tied them for me. He was grateful to have a son, but he would’ve been a great Dad for a daughter. There was so much compassion and love inside him. I hoped that someone somewhere would get to see that amazing part of him someday. I’m so thankful that Mom and I both got to know that part of him.

Linking my arm with his, I let him lead the way to the car. My legs trembled as we took the stairs to the porch extra slowly. I felt like a feeble old woman whose bones were as brittle as chalk. There could be no sudden movements or I’d tumble right to the ground. 

It was like an act of Congress trying to get me into the car, but we did it. Once I was inside I said, “Fuck that seatbelt.” He thought that was funny. My breathing was already so hard that I could barely catch it, and I wasn’t about to fight with the damn seatbelt. We all knew who’d win that fight.

“This was a bad idea,” I said through stifled breaths. 

He turned to face me. “You want to go back in?”

“Hell no!” I scoffed, and rolled my head towards the window.

I’d made it this far. There was no way I was turning back now. It was guaranteed that I’d never see that bench again, and that I’d never see those birds either. My days were numbered and I could feel the end drawing closer and closer. 

I stared blankly out the window and watched the world pass me by. The comforting hum of the car nearly put me to sleep as my thoughts drifted towards my Mother. Despite all that we’d been through, I was glad that she died before me. She would have never been able to handle seeing me like this, and burying me in the ground. It’s not easy letting go of the ones you love, and I hoped that I could make Bo see that. I wanted him to know that he wasn’t alone. He still had his Dad, and his whole life ahead of him. 

I remember once when my Mom and I waited in line at the theatre to see Twilight for more than two hours. It seemed like forever to me. We stood there in the freezing cold to see vampires and werewolves. We’d both read the books and couldn’t wait to see the movie. She wasn’t sick then, and neither was I. The two of us didn’t have a care in the world other than whether or not we were Team Edward or Team Jacob. Vampires were always cooler to me. Looking back on that time, I think about how our only worry was whether or not we should get butter on our popcorn. These days I had worries big enough to stop a tornado, and I could give two shits about Bella Swan. But that day lives on in my memory, at least for the time being. It was the first time in a while that I’d thought about my Mother. I hoped that I’d get to see her again, so that I could hug her and tell her how much I love her. 

The car rolled to a stop just under a shade tree. The bench was just a few feet in the distance and I could see Bo sitting there all alone. His back was facing me, and his head was down. 

That bench was the first place we met, and the last place I’ll spend with him. At least while I’m in my right mind. I feel like I’m slipping away with every ticking minute of the day. It felt like I was a bomb just waiting for the right minute to explode into the sky. Benjamin opened his car door and came around to my side of the car. My door opened and instead of waiting for me to climb out, he wrapped his arms around me and lifted me up out of the seat. Once my feet were firmly on the ground he waited until I was steady before releasing his hold on me. Time and time again he’d proven to be there when I needed him. This journey that I’d set out on was the best thing that could’ve ever happened to me. I found love, and friendship, and kindness, and someone to be with me so that I didn’t have to die alone. They were incredible, and I was so glad that the two of them had each other. 

Slipping an arm through his, we walked slowly through the patch of grass and onto the sidewalk. My feet shuffled against the concrete as we made our way over to the bench. I could hear Bo’s sniffles as we approached and wished so badly that I could run into his arms. He looked up at me with a tear-streaked face, and I nearly crumbled to the ground at the sight of him. He was helpless, sad, and scared. 

He stood up and wrapped his arms around my frail body and the two of us cried together. 

“Can we sit together on our bench one last time?” I asked.

“I’d love that.” He wiped his face and the two of us sat down next to each other. 

He held me close to his side, and I couldn’t think of anywhere else that I’d rather have been. 

“The birds,” I sighed. “It’s my favorite part of being in this park. I’m not a believer in reincarnation, but if I was I’d want to be a bird.”

“Really?”

“Really,” I admitted. “They have freedom to roam, and freedom to fly, and they’re so beautiful. That part in Forest Gump where Jenny is a child and she asks God to make her a bird so she could fly far away, that’s me. I want to be a bird. I want to stretch out my wings and soar through the air. It must be the most magnificent feeling in the world.” 

There was a silence as the darkness filled the sky. The cool air was easy to breathe, and the wind on my cheeks was a nice feeling. I’d been cooped up in that house for so long that I’d forgotten what it felt like. The rattling sound of my lungs was the only thing I could hear as we sat there under the quiet night sky.

“I know you’re here because you’re scared. I know that you don’t want to watch me die. It’s a hard thing to do. I remember it well with my Mother. But I need you to be strong while I can’t.” I struggled to catch my breath. I wasn’t going to be able to talk much more so I needed to get things off my chest. “You are my strength. Seeing you every day is what makes things easier for me, and I hate that you can’t stand to be around me. I’m not dead yet, so I don’t want you to act like I am. I need you by my side through the good times and bad. Please,” I begged.

He rubbed my head as it lay against him. “I’m sorry. I know you’re not dead, but watching you die,” he hesitated. “I don’t know how to do that. I’m afraid that the only memories I’ll have of you will be of you dying.”

“They don’t have to be. I was the only person there when my Mom passed, and yes I remember the bad days and the ending, but I also remember the good times. She didn’t die alone, and I don’t want to die alone either.” I sucked in a breath. My heart was beating at full speed inside my chest.

“You won’t. Okay? I’ll do better. I won’t let you die alone.”

I closed my eyes and let his words sink in. Maybe I wouldn’t remember what he said come tomorrow, but as long as I could see his face next to me that was all I’d need.

“Let’s go home.” He said.

***

Later that evening before I drifted off to sleep, I asked for Bo and Benjamin to both sit with me. I was afraid that it would be my last good day, and I wanted to be able to tell them both goodbyes while I was in my right state of mind.

Taking their hands in mine I said. “I love you both very much. More than either of you will ever know.” I sniffled. “The end is coming. I can feel it in my heart.” Tears streamed down their cheeks and it tore me up inside. “Thank you for being so good to me. Thank you for being my family. I’m saying goodbye to you now because tomorrow is not guaranteed. Benjamin,” I said with a shaky breath. “You’ve been like a Dad to me. I love you so much, and I can’t wait to tell Mom all about you. Thank you so much for letting me into your home while I was a stranger. You showed me such compassion, and I have some of the best memories with you. They are all in here.” I pointed to my heart. “I love you.”

“I love you too baby girl. I love you too.” He bent down and kissed my cheek. His warm tears fell onto my cheek just before he turned and left the room. 

“Bo,” I squeezed his hand. He could barely catch his breath. The tears were big as they fell from his eyes. “I love you so much. You were my first love, my first kiss, and the first one to steal my heart. I want you to have the best life you can possibly have. I want you to have a family, but not with Megan.” I smiled, and he laughed. “Just kidding. I can’t thank you enough for making my time on this earth the best that it could be. This is my goodbye, but know that I will love you for eternity and one day I’ll see you again.”

“God,” he cried. He bent down and lightly kissed my lips. “I love you so much. I wrote you a letter, and I guess now is the best time to read it.”

I nodded. He wrote me a letter. It was a very Bo thing of him to do. He reached into his wallet and pulled out a folded piece of paper. Seeing the words scribbled on the page touched my heart. 

He read it aloud. 

Dear Tori,

Usually words come easy to me. Usually I can say what’s on my mind. This time, it’s different. These past couple of months has been the best of my life. You stumbled into my life and onto my park bench when I needed you the most. I didn’t realize that my life was so incomplete until the day I met you. Even though I know how this journey ends, I can tell you that I’d do it over again a million times. I’ve grown to love you, and you’ve stolen my heart time and time again. I cherish our memories and the times that you’ve made me laugh. I won’t ever forget them. 

It will be the hardest thing that I’ve ever faced watching you die, but I’ll be a stronger man because of it. You light up a room even in the darkness, and your light will live on forever. That park bench where I met you will always be ours, and I promise to visit it often, and I’ll think of you every single time I’m there. I hope that you see your Mom again and that she keeps you company until I find my way to you. 

Your life may be ending, but our love isn’t. I give my heart and soul to you on this day. Keep it safe always, and wait for me. You’re my life, my love, my girlfriend, my wife, my everything. I love you forever sweetheart. Rest easy.

All my love,

Bo

Oh…
 

I couldn’t catch my breath. I couldn’t see through the tears. They were the most beautiful words. I couldn’t do this. I couldn’t die. It was too hard leaving him. I didn’t want to say goodbye. 

“Why,” I cried out. “I don’t want to leave you. I don’t want to die. Please, Bo.”

He crawled into the bed next to me and held me close. He lightly rocked me and told me that everything was going to be okay.

“Don’t be scared. You get to see your Mom. And I promise that I’ll see you again.” He spoke softly. “Don’t be scared.”

I let my breathing level out, as he whispered over and over how much he loved me. 

“You’re going to be okay, and so am I,” he said. “I love you.”

“I love you too.” 

I fell asleep in Bo’s arms.

She never woke up again after she fell asleep that night in my arms. My Dad called Hospice in after we realized that she wasn’t going to wake back up. They sat with her for the next three days making sure that she stayed comfortable and that she wasn’t in pain. They assured me there would be no pain.