I Drink for a Reason (15 page)

I have an idea about how to fix the Jew problem. By that, I don’t mean that Jews are really a problem. I mean that there are
soooo many people on the planet that have a problem
with
them. Except for the Chinese, as far as I know. They don’t seem to have a history of caring about them one way or the other.
Anyway, here’s what I propose: let’s take all the Jews not in North America and put them on an island somewhere—wait, hear
me out. A beautiful, tropical island. It wouldn’t be too hard; there aren’t that many Jews in the world. There’s only like
13 million of them. And over 6 million of those live in North America, so roughly 7 million. I know, it seems like there’s
more of them, but there isn’t. We can give the Jews a chain of islands to live on. Something in the South Pacific or the Galapagos
Islands or somewhere like that. An island where they would like to be. A place that would make them say, “You know, I must
say, this isn’t so bad, with the crystal-clear blue water, and the fruits plucked straight from the trees and whatnot. It
could be a little more shaded, yes. But all in all, it’s quite nice.” Now, here’s the stipulation. They only get to live there
for two years. In that time, if the lives and economies of every Arab and Eastern European country haven’t changed significantly
for the better, then they get to go back to where they came from and never be bothered again for the rest of history. You
can make fun of their hats, but that’s it!

What’s the deal with them, anyway? They seem so exotic to everyone. I wish there was somewhere to turn to for answers about
these strange and mysterious creatures.

I
HAVE BEEN CALLED
,
ON MORE THAN ONE OCCASION
,
IN FACT MORE
than sixty-seven, a “self-loathing Jew.” This is as irritating as it is lazy. I don’t loathe myself, nor do I “loathe” Jews.
I just find both to be equally annoying. Jews are the only culture accused of this, of being a self-loathing “something.”
You never hear the term “self-loathing Lutheran” or “self-loathing Calvinist” or “self-loathing Seventh Day Adventist.” It’s
a perfect example of how Jewish guilt works, too. As opposed to Catholic guilt, which is all about disappointing God and his
overly sensitive crybaby son, Jewish guilt is about turning your back on, or denigrating, your tribe. “How dare you! After
all we’ve been through! Your uncle died in Dachau, and you have the nerve to disrespect your family and friends by questioning
God’s desire for you to never eat shellfish!?!” And usually the invective is thrown around when one apologizes for observed
illogical behavior or they simply choose to leave the fold. I don’t appreciate the accusation that I hate myself, because
it’s simply not true. And, in my own experience, I’ve fallen into that great Möbius strip of logic arguing my point, much
like when a person decides that you are an alcoholic and then uses your startled, bemused, and fervent denial of this as proof
positive that you are in fact an alcoholic because alcoholics are in denial of the reality of their alcoholism, etc. etc.

And if I’m not being accused of being self-loathing, then “condescending” is usually hiding just around the corner. I have
heard and read this accusation dozens of times. And to a degree I suppose I have to admit it. But really, how can I
not
come off as condescending? Simply put, I believe that what you believe in (if you believe in God/the Koran/the Bible/the
Torah/that you’re supposed to handle snakes and speak in tongues/that you need to be “audited” to become “clear”/that Joseph
Smith was a prophet/that God will be very upset with you if you mix dairy and meat/eat meat on a Friday/it’s okay to murder
your sister or wife or mother if she “dishonors” the family by being raped, etc. etc. etc. etc. etc.) is utter nonsense and
you are being seriously suckered. You are living a lie that you will never be able to rewind. I’d say that’s pretty condescending,
although not deliberately, sure, agreed. I will argue, however, that it’s not nearly as condescending as thinking that anyone
who disagrees with you is not just wrong but evil, dirty, impure, a lesser human, and resigned to a life in hell tickling
the Devil’s balls while he ass-rapes you in a lake of fire for all eternity. I’m gonna put it out there that that’s WAY more
condescending than my outlook. Of the very many scientific “theories” that get Christians, Jews, and Muslims frothing with
anger, one of my favorites is the one that posits that humans evolved from monkeys. The reason it makes me giggle like a schoolgirl
in a 1930s film is not that they think the theory is utter shit but that they are actually insulted by the idea. Insulted?!
Where’s the insult? What does that mean to you? Does it make the current you less of a person? This long, slow process started
hundreds of thousands of years ago. It’s not like they are implying that your Grandma was a monkey fucked by a drunken atheist
who broke into a zoo and had a little, harmless monkey-fucking fun and then you were born to a filthy human/ape hybrid. I
mean, just exactly where is the insult? They are the smartest animal on the planet and, like humans, one of the few that will
indiscriminately kill its own kind for no practical reason (e.g., for food or procreation), so why is this so hard to fathom?

Anyway, I’ve gotten off the subject that started this whole mishegas; Jews, me being a Jew, other Jews, and me being not a
Jew really but an atheist. So with that in mind, I present the following, which is funnier in the “ha ha” way than what just
preceded it.

The following is reprinted with permission from
Jews!
magazine.

Hello! Gut Yontif! My name is Rabbi Yahuda McSeigleman, and I am a board-certified rabbi. I am a fifth-degree belted rabbi
and am recognized worldwide for my cinnamon-sugar chometz. I have studied the Torah (which is sort of a Jewish Koran) under
the tutelage of Rabbi Shmuley Mochebittzen and “Swingin’” Dick Reynolds. I have been doing this column for almost seven years
now, and I have been asked to compile a “best of,” if you will.

As a brief introduction for those not familiar, “Ask a Rabbi” is a biweekly column that I have been writing for
Jews!
magazine wherein I hope to shed light on a very complex, aged, and spiritual culture. Many of the traditions and rites of
the Jewish people are misunderstood or are not understood at all. It is my pleasure to answer any and all questions regarding
these truly fascinating and extraordinary people. Here are some of the more frequently asked questions I’ve received over
the years.

Dear Rabbi,

How come Jews, the ones with the black coats and hats and curls, have such a difficult time understanding the protocols for
flying on a public airline?

Tanyan Sturtz, Akron, Ohio

Well, Tanyan, you’re referring to the ultra-Orthodox Jews who practice a stricter, and therefore more honest and correct,
form of Judaism. While it may seem “annoying” or “impolite” to disobey the increasingly frustrated pleas of the stewards and
stewardesses and captains and, eventually, other passengers of the plane, it is perfectly in their right to behave this way.
This is because Jews are not bound under the general rules of the Federal Aviation Administration. They were given a dispensation
by the Supreme Rabbi and Official Potentate Supreme and may do as they see fit. Sometimes that includes standing in the aisles,
walking around distributing homemade kosher foodstuffs to other Jews, and standing up and putting their Torahs in plastic
wrap while the plane is ready to taxi away from the gate. Sometimes they will also pretend that they don’t speak or understand
English while holding up the flight for everybody. While this may appear “rude” to the layman, it is really within their rights
as a holy, holy people. “Holier than thou” is actually appropriate to say.

Dear Rabbi,

According to the Mansfield Stereotype Study in ’98, the Jewish people have supplanted Puerto Ricans as the loudest culture.
How did this happen? They usually shuffle along mumbling quietly to themselves in ancient languages, and Puerto Ricans are
loud as shit. They’re always yelling to people even if they’re just two feet in front of them. Even their bicycles have boom
boxes built into them! What gives?

Gene Garber, New Hope, PA

Ah, yes. The Mansfield Stereotype Study. If I had a dollar for every time this study has been cited, I’d have enough money
to start my own bartering school to teach Jews how to effectively haggle with shop owners to get lower prices on their wares!
That’s how many times this Stereotype Study has been cited!! Gene, the findings of this study were thoroughly debunked almost
immediately after it came out. It had numerous mistakes, the most egregious one being the inclusion of “noise made while eating”
into the final factored study, which pushed the Jews ahead. As you know, only reformed, and some conservative, Jews are allowed
to eat whatever they want without fear of retribution. When Jews who keep kosher are included, the list of available “noisy”
foods plummets. No ribs, crab legs, Arby’s Beef ’n’ Cheddars, shrimp cocktails, oysters, crispy bacon, moules et frites, cheesesteaks,
etc. etc. When the sound made by eating is not taken into account, the Jews rank 16th on the list, just behind Canadians and
just ahead of the Dutch.

Hello Rabbi,

I was wondering if you could settle a bet I have with my wife. She says that Orthodox Jews are required by their God to perpetuate
the species within such a small gene pool that there is rampant inbreeding, and this is why most of them are unattractive
with terrible eyesight and teeth, while I say it’s simply
because
they are ugly that they are the only ones who will have each other. Help! A lobster dinner’s riding on this! Thanks.

Biff Pocoroba,
Piedmont, North Carolina

Well, Biff, guess what? You’re
both
right!! Ultra-Orthodox Jews have created an extremely insular society where there are arranged marriages between few choices,
so people who share the same gene pool often procreate, resulting in genetic deficiencies such as the aforementioned poor
eyesight and scoliosis. Where “unattractive” is subjective and in the eye of the beholder, it would be disingenuous of me
to pretend that they are often, not always of course, but often physically repellent to “normal” people. Let us remember,
the Jew is not a unicorn! He is not a mythical creature that is beautiful to look at but nonexistent. The Jew is a living,
breathing human being at least half full of life! Let us celebrate that!

Dear Rabbi,

I have lived in New York City for the last seventeen years, and since I moved here I have seen and continue to see the same
Winnebago RV driving around Manhattan with the phrase “Moshiach Is Coming Now!” painted in large, faded letters on the side
of it. I know that the word
Moshiach
means “Messiah” in Hebrew, but I’m confused as to their definition of the word
now.
Can you explain?

Pasquel Perez,

New York City

Pasquel, I have been asked this question a number of times, and the answer has always surprised people. Simply put, these
people don’t know what the word
now
means.

Dear Rabbi,

I live in Los Angeles in a section heavily populated with Orthodox Jews. And it occurred to me the other day when it was particularly
hot (it was 101 degrees—this is a desert, don’t forget!) that the Chasidim are perhaps the people on this planet that are
being hurt the most by global warming. Because wintertime is the only time those people don’t look absolutely ridiculous!
And now that’s being taken away from them. As I looked at them walking along in their seven layers of heavy woolen clothes
and fur hats, I thought, “There but for the grace of God go I.” What do you think of that? Ironic, huh?

Mark Lemke, Los Angeles, CA

Mark Lemke? From Temple Baruch Ben Yisrael on Fairfax? That Mark Lemke?

Dear Rabbi,

Uh… yes.

Mark Lemke, Los Angeles, CA

Why did you write such a thing? This makes no sense to me?

Dear Rabbi,

Well, look… the Talmud teaches us so many wond—

Stop it! I’m a Rabbi myself! I know when you’re stalling and don’t have a real answer.

Dear Rabbi,

What? What stalling? I’m asking a legitimate question! If I were to—

Mark Lemke, Los Angeles, CA

No, no. You are a reformed Jew, pushing a liberal, progressive agenda, and this is unacceptable! You are trying to interpret
the strict word of the Torah and “update” G-d’s word to make sense in your enlightened world! Didn’t you read the preface
to this piece!? Go to hell, infidel!!

I
’VE ALWAYS FELT THAT LIFE SHOULD BE MORE THAN JUST A SERIES
of unfortunate mistakes based on stubborn, lazy ignorance resulting in niggling little minor tragedies of what “could have
been” begat from choices not made. I think life should be for the living!! And by that I am not saying no to zombies. I just
mean that those who actively search out knowledge and experience should get the limited supplies of life-saving drugs or the
last bit of oxygen before those who don’t. And when we’re faced with a life-or-death situation and we are called upon to prove
our worth, please spare me your lame-ass lone drug story that you tell every fucking time someone brings up their acid, mushroom,
DMT or whatever anecdote. Yes, of course! We all know. You were “totally high” off that pot brownie that one time and you
thought you were gonna die and you almost fainted when you realized that you forgot it was your great aunt’s birthday and
you were all going to the Ponderosa to celebrate and you nearly lost your shit when you saw Regina Conkle there but luckily
she didn’t recognize you and you were so paranoid that you just
knew
that everyone who worked there totally knew you were high, blah, blah, blah. I appreciate that you’ve been high and “out
of control” before… once, but you
do
realize that I’ve heard you trot out that same story at least forty times before. And that’s just
me
!