I Had a Nice Time And Other Lies...: How to find love & sh*t like that (2 page)

If you’re a smart betch, you’ve already read our first book and learned how to win at basically everything. You learned the pitfalls of being too nice, what friends are socially acceptable to chill with, and to never ever admit that you don’t know shit about wine. But what about dating? Yes, we covered that, too, but a lot has changed. We’ve grown up and the rules are different. Suddenly, it’s sort of okay to online date, and the thought of being kind and caring to a guy is starting to not disgust you.

The simple truth is that dating in college and dating when you’re in the state of mind to fuck around is a very different ball game than dating in the real world. There comes a point in every young betch’s life when she gets bored of her thrice-weekly clubbing excursions and shambling to work hungover every Thursday. She realizes that she might have to entertain the idea of settling down into a long-term relationship, if only because everything else seems boring as fuck and she’s already been to Ibiza three times. If you haven’t hit that point yet, you will eventually. Even Paris Hilton doesn’t want to be known as “that old bitch in the club” forever. No one likes a washed-up party girl, so eventually you’re going to need to learn how to master the art of a long-term, committed relationship.

Unlike our grandparents, who actually needed to be married in order to leave their parents’ houses, the modern betch can have an entire fulfilling life alone and with her besties. We don’t need to accept the first man who offers us a four-karat ring, because we have options. We can be anything we want to be. This often means we settle down later in the game.

“When are you getting married? Dating anyone lately? How’s that boy you were talking to last year, you know, the one whose parents were lawyers? He was nice,” your parents and grandparents might ask you to death. But don’t listen to them. All your grandma is concerned about is being alive for your wedding and all your mom is doing is comparing you to her own situation. She was married by twenty-five, and your grandma has only ever slept with one man. They had different pressures then, and that’s why they’re applying the same pressure to you. Don’t get mad at them, just be like
Yah dating a few guys! Have a date tonight actually. Will let you know how it goes!
Then hang up and resume your Thursday night binge of
Scandal
and weed.

For our parents’ and grandparents’ generation, the name of the game was dependence. Getting out of the house, finding a husband to take care of you, popping out six kids. It was like passing the torch from your parents to your partner as the person who became responsible for you. But now it’s all about independence for women . . . which is fucking amazing, but admittedly sometimes stressful because of that extreme pressure you may receive from your family who know nothing, Jon Snow.

Okay, so I’ll just like, settle down when I’m bored and I feel like it,
you think, stupidly. False. Most people suck at relationships and if you’re a real betch, you’re probably one of them. Our independent lifestyles full of Chanel bags, bottomless brunches, and yacht weeks are amazing, but they often leave us ill prepared for the world of real-life dating. Catch-22: It’s precisely because we have so much fun on our own that dating can be so hard.

A time comes in a betch’s life when she’s gone to her one-thousandth single-girls night out and sort of feels tired of it all. The long pregames, the cocaine hangovers, sex with the guy whom she would never actually date once she got to know him—it becomes a drag. At this point she might say,
Hey, I’ve been single for enough time. I think I’m ready to find the perfect boyfriend who I can marry someday! Oh yay I’m excited.
Thinking you can magically enter the perfect relationship as soon as you’ve decided it’s time is simply wrong. Most betches are quick to admit that they’re bad at things like snowboarding or making their beds, but when it comes to relationships everyone is under the delusional impression that they can figure it out the first time they try. Do you think your spin instructor mastered her tap back the first time she stepped on the bike? No. Exactly.

So how will this new adult relationship differ from your college routine of balancing three back-burner bros and a shady asshole bro more seamlessly than your homework assignments? Sadly, it’s going to involve some actual effort on your part and some important realizations. Dating and sex after college when you’re looking for somebody who has the
potential for marriage involve actual self-reflection and sacrifice. Vom, we know, but like, it’s true.

We’re here to teach you how to remain a powerful, confident, independent betch while finding love. We’ll give you the secrets to staying hot and desired through every stage of your relationship, making sure your sex life doesn’t go to shit, and giving you the keys to let go of the awful guys you’ve entertained in the past to make room for the pro of your dreams. We’ve mastered the art of dating with the help of asshole bros, extra-nice guys, awkward situations, and too many vodka sodas, and we think we’re going to make it out alive. So now it’s time to pass on our divine truths to you.

You write us hundreds of thousands of “Dear Betch” letters looking for the keys to coming out on top while getting the most out of your “relationships” and lucky for you we’ve compiled this plethora of dating knowledge into a nonpathetic guide. You’re welcome.

While reading this book, remember the cardinal rule of betchdom: Don’t take yourself or anyone around you that seriously. There are some real truth gems in here but read this book however the fuck you want. Don’t be a trying-too-hard loser and highlight this shit or give it to your dud nicegirl friend to outline and summarize. Dating, much like this book, is supposed to be fun and light so have a laugh, bask in our awesomeness, and don’t you dare pick up any other dating book but this one. No one wants to date the girl whose bookshelf is lined with
The Rules
and
Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus
.

Sure you’re going to fuck up our advice. A lot. We’ve
fucked it up, too. A lot. That’s why we’re so smart. We’ve been around the block and learned the hard way. And honestly, we’re still learning. It’s important to remember through all your shitty dates, vicious fights, and nasty breakups that at the end of the day, whoever locks you down is fucking incredibly lucky and all the shit you’ve been through to find him will be worth it. There is no one out there like you and you are amazing, so even if you have days/weeks/months where you’re feeling discouraged or lonely (gross) make like Dory from that movie where she has Alzheimer’s and just keep swimming.

Just don’t do it. A lot of (sad) girls go to bed at night fantasizing how nice it would be to finally become the girlfriend of the guy she’s been pining over since her sophomore year of college. But what these girls need to realize is that just because he is their crush, just because they lie there thinking
oh my god he’s so cute I’m definitely in love,
he is only that. A fucking crush. This guy is an illusion, a hologram of your perfect boyfriend with the face and body of the guy you think would look good with you in couples pics on Instagram. You’re not in love. You definitely don’t know this bro well enough to “love him,” and if you ever got together you would probably realize that he sucks.

Dreaming about having a boyfriend is pathetic because it assumes that you need a guy to make you happy. By no means are we advocating that you should stay single forever. We just mean that a man should complement you, not complete you. Once you realize that you don’t need a boyfriend to make your life amazing, only then might you actually find a boyfriend.

“He’ll come when you’re not looking/least expect it,” says everyone you ever spoke to about the hardships of being single whom you subsequently wanted to shoot in the eye. But the root of your anger for said people is because deep down you know it’s true. Don’t be thirsty for a boyfriend. Don’t be the girl who wants to leave a perfectly fun pregame because you don’t want to date any of the guys there. Don’t be so transparently desperate. Everyone will smell the desperation and walk the other way. Including your friends.

The moment you realize that you don’t need to be completed is the moment when you are open to finding someone with whom you can share your green juices, summer weekends, and HBO Sunday nights, otherwise known as your happiness.

Note we used the word “share.” When you share something with someone it means you are confident and content enough with what you have to give a piece of it away. The same goes with your happiness in relationships. Let’s put this a little bit less abstractly. Say your bestie asks to borrow a black crop top. You’re like,
Yeah def, you’ll look way hot in this one
(you, of course, look hotter, but no need to say it aloud). Next day she gives it back to you but is like,
I’m so sorryyyyy but it’s stained. I tried everything. Don’t hate me.
You look at it, you look at her, you look at your drawer full of other black crop tops, and say,
OMG don’t worry! There’s more where that came from! Love you, Betch.

But now let’s say a three-month relationship you’re in turns to shit. A can’t-be-salvaged type of situation. The guy hurt you and he’s a dick for it, but do not cry yourself to sleep
every night to a Nicholas Sparks movie marathon because this guy completed you and now you don’t know what to do without him. Because you know you were complete before him, instead you say,
Fuck it and fuck him. It’s NBD, there’s more where that came from.
This guy is your black crop top that got stained. If you know there’s always more where that came from, it’ll be easy to brush off the ones that are defective and bad for your look.

Sure, you may find someone who you think is the perfect guy for you for forever, but there’s no guarantee that will always be the case. People change, betches are a force and we’re constantly evolving. I mean, when the concept of marriage was invented we were all going to die at like, forty-five years old. The average now is like, a hundred or something. That’s an additional 16,500 fewer calories or like, 5 pounds extra fucking birthday cake. Talk about a way fatter commitment.

Ultimately, your goal should be to meet a guy with whom you can enjoy your respective lives. He should share your values because you need to make decisions together in the future, as well as your interests because you need someone with whom to go shopping for expensive French wine. Having a life partner means that you can no longer do whatever
the fuck you want. You can’t like, not tell that person what you were doing because that’s lying. And you definitely can’t be shady. This sort of sounds miserable, right? Well that’s why you shouldn’t just date anyone. You shouldn’t just accept any guy as your boyfriend because you like, want a boyfriend that week. You should date someone for whom it’s worth giving up those freedoms. Freedoms like getting drunk and making out with whomever at whichever bar, not having anyone nag you about something you don’t care about (i.e., bills and wearing sunscreen and eating froyo for dinner five nights a week without judgment). When you have a boyfriend you want him to be someone you don’t want to be shady with, someone whom you want to tell everything you did that day, someone for whom you consider wearing a midriff-covering top. You’ll know you’re in love when your boyfriend wants to know what you had for brunch with your besties and you also like, can’t wait to tell him you ate next to nothing.

Since like, forever, people have been writing, singing, texting, rapping, whatever, about love. But because there’s such an expansive amount of “wisdom” about the topic, and because the opinions of annoying hopeless romantics have deeply infiltrated our society, there’s like, a lot of fucking bullshit out there. As betches, we are known for cutting the shit, and that’s why we’re going to break down the most clichéd sayings about love right here.

“Absence makes the heart grow fonder.”
Does it? DOES IT? Or is the saying, “Out of sight, out of mind” more true? These are two completely opposite pieces of advice regarding love that are repeated everywhere you go. One says that the time spent away from a loved one makes you closer to them. The other says that the time spent away will make you eventually forget them. So like, which one fucking is it?

Actually, we decided to pay attention in this one class this one time and we learned that according to some studies, the latter is the answer. Longer periods of time spent away from a loved one will make the feeling of hurt and longing crumble away. This agrees nicely with its counterpart phrase, “Time heals all wounds.” Of course, a few days away from your boyfriend might make you want him more, but if you’re looking to get over someone you better unfollow the fuck out of him on Instagram.