I Know I've Been Changed (21 page)

Chapter 39

I
stared at my little windup clock. I couldn’t believe I had been asleep two whole hours. Maybe everything had calmed down after Mama Tee’s blowup. I peeked out the window to see if she was still working off steam in her garden. She wasn’t.

I got up, went into the bathroom, and splashed some cold water on my face. I made my way into the kitchen, where I noticed the letter from Rose still lying on the counter. She had had the audacity to draw a rose on the envelope. That woman wouldn’t give up. Where was all this dedication when I was growing up?

Mama Tee was sitting at the kitchen table shelling peas. Shondella was sitting next to her helping. She watched me as I picked the letter up, walked over, and dropped it in the trash. “So you not gon’ read it?” Mama Tee asked.

“Why bother? You calmed down?”

“I’m fine. It’s that brother of yours you need to be worried about,” Mama Tee responded. “Now, I’ll ask you again, you don’t plan on reading the letter?”

“No, I don’t, and I’d appreciate it if you’d just drop it.”

Mama Tee dropped the peas she had just shelled into a large tin bowl. She motioned to the chair across from her. “Sit down, gal.”

“Mama Tee, I really don’t have—”

“Did that sound like a request? If it did, I need to say it again, because it wasn’t a request. Now, sit your tail down.”

Shondella snickered. I wanted to say something. Like Justin, tell Mama Tee I was a grown woman. But it wouldn’t be beneath Mama Tee to take her shoe off and knock me upside my head. When I was fifteen, I watched her take her Sunday pump off and toss it at Uncle Clyde, hitting him square in the center of his head. I don’t even remember what it was he said, but it was enough to make Mama Tee’s nostrils flare up before she took off her shoe and threw it. I sat down without uttering a word.

“Before you start, let me tell you, there’s nothing you can say to get me to change my mind about Rose,” I said.

Mama Tee shook her head, then looked at Shondella.

“Don’t even look at me. Because you know I ain’t got no love for her. That’s why she don’t even bother me.” Shondella scooted her chair back to get up from the table.

“Sit down!” Mama Tee snapped. “You two gon’ drive me to an early grave. Now, hush up. I got something I want to say ’bout yo mama.”

“Rose,” I said. “She ain’t my mama.”

“Like it or not, she gon’ always be your mama. Contrary to some convoluted—yeah, I said
convoluted
—I know some big words, too. Contrary to your convoluted belief, you can’t just decide someone ain’t gon’ be your family no more. This is the family God gave you and ain’t nothing you can do to change that. And that family includes your mama.”

“But Mama Tee, she left us. She never tried to get back in contact with us. I can’t get over that,” I said.

“Well, you need to get over it. Besides, it wasn’t all your mama.”

“What is that supposed to mean?” I asked.

Mama Tee’s look softened. “I swore I’d never tell you girls this, but I need to. Your mother did try to see you kids. I wouldn’t let her.”

We looked at Mama Tee in disbelief.

“There. I said it. She tried many, many times to see you all. Even tried to get you all back at one point. Threatened to call the police and tell them I kidnapped her kids.”

“Mama Tee, you don’t have to make up stories to try and get us to forgive Rose,” Shondella said.

Mama Tee clenched her teeth and bawled up her fist. “Girl, if I wasn’t saved, I’d bust you in yo’ jaw.”

Shondella leaned back, rolling her eyes.

“And don’t think you too old for me to snatch them eyes right out of your head. Everybody losing their damn minds!” Mama Tee released her fist and exhaled. “Anyway, as I was saying, your mama tried to call you all, but I wouldn’t let her. She wasn’t clean.”

“What does that mean, wasn’t clean?” I asked.

“I know you’re not that dang naive,” Shondella said. “She was a junkie.”

I was dumbfounded. I mean, I knew that she dabbled in drugs, but a junkie? Why did I not remember that? I know I was little, but it seems I would recall something like that. I turned to Shondella. “Did you know she was a junkie?”

“Yeah, I knew. I think after she sold the TV I kinda figured it all out.”

“But…how…” I was at a loss for words.

“It was that boyfriend of hers. Sam. He got her hooked,” Mama Tee said. “She was high and not thinking straight the night she brought y’all here. I told her that if she ever stayed clean for more than six months, I’d gladly give y’all back to her. But I wasn’t about to let y’all go back to her until she had her act together. So if you want to hate somebody, hate me.”

Shondella and I were both quiet. Okay, so the news had us speechless. But as far as I was concerned, it didn’t change anything.

“The bottom line is, she chose Sam over us. And when Sam didn’t want her anymore, she came trying to reclaim us.” Shondella said exactly what I was thinking.

“I understand that, and I’m not saying you have to ever forget that. Just maybe you ought to think about forgiving her.” Mama Tee rocked back and forth while we let her words sink in. “The Bible said—”

Shondella stood up, disgusted. “Pardon my French, Mama Tee, but it will be a cold day in hell before I let that woman back into my life.” She banged on the kitchen window. “Lexus, Mercedes! Get your sisters and come on.”

“So that’s your answer, Shondella? Just run away. That’s always been your answer, just leave,” Mama Tee said.

Shondella glared at Mama Tee as her kids came running inside. I could’ve sworn I saw her fighting back tears.

“Yeah, that’s how I deal with my problems, Mama Tee. I just leave. But I come by it honestly, don’t you think?”

With that, Shondella grabbed Camry’s hand, spun, and stomped out of the kitchen with all of her children close on her heels.

Mama Tee didn’t say anything for several minutes after Shondella left, then finally said, “That gal’s anger gon’ be the death of her.”

“But, Mama Tee, can you blame her?” I couldn’t believe I was coming to my sister’s aid, but I definitely felt her on this one.

“You think y’all the only people ever been abandoned by their parents? You wasn’t the first and you ain’t gon’ be the last.”

“It’s not just that, Mama Tee, she’s the reason…she’s the reason…Jasmine…” Suddenly, images of Jasmine started flashing through my mind. I put my hands over my eyes and tried to keep from sobbing. I couldn’t even get my sentence out, I had gotten so worked up.

“The reason Jasmine what? Died? I told you that God was just ready to take Jasmine home. Ain’t no sense in rehashing Jasmine’s death, because if it was her time, it was just her time. And ain’t nothing you, Rose, or anyone else could’ve done about it. So don’t even go down that road again.”

It was too late. The memories had already come rushing back.

I threw the sheet over the clothesline, cursing as I squeezed the clothespin and locked the sheet down. I was mad because not only was I having to hang the clothes up, but I was being forced to watch Jasmine again. Shondella had gone with Mama Tee to take Justin to Little Rock for some medical treatment. I was thirteen years old. Who makes a thirteen-year-old watch a six-year-old all day long? I had to stay home from school and everything, and today was the day Jimmy Lee had told my friend Shana that he planned to kiss me after school.

I looked over at Jasmine playing with King, Mama Tee’s seven-year-old mutt. She made me sick. I wasn’t her mama, so why did I have to be stuck with her all day? But then again, everybody always acted like I was her mama, making me do everything for her. Shondella had a part-time job to help Mama Tee with the bills, so everything at the house fell on my shoulders. Cook, clean, take care of Jasmine and Justin. I hated my life.

“Dang, girl, you sho’ looking good hanging up them clothes.”

The sound of Jimmy Lee’s voice brought me out of my funk. “Hey, Jimmy Lee, what you doing here?” I said, dropping the basket of clothes and plastering on a huge smile.

“Didn’t Shana tell you what I wanted to do to you after school today?”

I blushed and started fidgeting with my charm bracelet. Jimmy Lee was fifteen years old and one of the best-looking boys in Sweet Poke. He had wavy, good hair, deep brown eyes, and sandpaper-colored skin. He was already six feet tall and had bowlegs that just drove all the girls crazy. My heart was beating so fast, I thought it was going to pop right out of my chest. “Yeah, she told me.”

“So, why you didn’t come to school then? You made me come all the way over here.” He leaned against Mama Tee’s old woodshed.

“I’m sorry. I had to stay home and watch my little sister today.”

“Dang, you’re just a little girl yourself.”

I was offended that he saw me as a little girl. “No, I’m not.”

He leaned in closer. “Oh, really? Show me then that you ain’t no little girl.”

“What does that mean?” I said, trying to stick my little, barely A-cup breasts out.

Jimmy Lee looked around. “Let’s go in the woodshed so you can show me just how much of a woman you are.”

I blushed again. This time a nervous charge shot up my body. I had kissed a couple of boys already, but no one as fine as Jimmy Lee.

“Jimmy Lee, I…I just don’t know. I’m supposed to be watching my sister.”

He moved in and whispered in my ear. “Come on, baby.”

I inhaled deeply. Mama Tee would skin me alive if she caught me in the woodshed with Jimmy Lee. But then again, she did tell me they wouldn’t be back until well after dark.

My hesitation must’ve been frustrating him because he threw up his hands. “You know what? Forget it. I told you, you were a little girl. Now, your cousin Nikki, she’s only twelve, and she’s already trying to get with me,” he said, stroking his hairless chin.

Nikki? That skank knew I liked Jimmy Lee. That was just like her, to try to get with him. “But—”

“But nothing,” Jimmy responded. “I just want to kiss you, that’s all. It won’t take but a minute. Your sister will be all right.”

I glanced over at Jasmine again, running around and around in circles with King.

“Besides, you ain’t her mama. Why you gotta be responsible for her? All you ever do is babysit and take care of the house like somebody mama.”

Jimmy Lee must have been reading my mind. If there was anything I needed to convince me to follow my heart, that was it. “Come on,” I said, as I pulled him into the shed.

I don’t know how long we were in the shed. I just knew I was feeling good when I heard King’s incessant barking. I tried to block it out as Jimmy Lee sucked on my neck, but then I heard King’s paws on the woodshed.

“Hold on, Jimmy. Let me see what’s going on.”

“Unh-unh,” Jimmy moaned. “In a minute.”

It was feeling good, but I was starting to get scared. Besides, King’s barking and scratching at the door was distracting me. “Wait, wait.”

That’s when I heard it. A bloodcurdling scream that sent me racing out of the shed and into the backyard. I don’t remember much after that. Just the screams coming from my auntie Mel, and Jasmine’s lifeless body floating in Mama Tee’s pond.

“You’re not to blame for Jasmine’s death and neither is your mama.” Mama Tee’s voice snapped me out of my thoughts. I didn’t realize I was crying.

“It is my fault.”

“You did have your fast little tail in there with that no good Jimmy Lee, who, by the way, is in prison now. Did I tell you that? Anyway, no, you didn’t have any business in there, but it wasn’t your fault. It was just her time, that’s all.”

As best as could be determined, Jasmine had wandered over to the pond trying to chase her ball. She must’ve gotten too close and fallen in. King was soaking wet, so it was believed he had jumped in to try to save her. But in the end, the medical examiner said her lungs had quickly filled with water and she died in a matter of seconds.

I was devastated by what happened. Shondella had called me a dirty whore and every other name under the sun. Even at Jasmine’s funeral, which I hadn’t wanted to attend, people were staring at me, whispering. I think that’s when I really and truly began to have a deep hatred for Sweet Poke.

“Why did you all leave her with me? I was only a child,” I sobbed. We had never talked about that day. After Jasmine’s death, I shut down for a while. Especially when Rose didn’t even show up for the funeral. Nobody even knew how to get in touch with her to tell her Jasmine had died.

“Baby, we have to pull together in this family. And that means sometimes children got to do adult things. I’m sorry if you didn’t have the Girl Scout, slumber-party childhood you think you was entitled to, but this is the life you was given, so this is the life you had to deal with.”

I tried to picture Jasmine’s angelic face. I couldn’t. I had blocked images of her out of my mind for so long, they were no longer even there.

“First, you blamed yourself,” Mama Tee continued, “then you blamed your mama because she wasn’t here. Then you figured you’d just run away and forget us all, forget your life here, and that would make everything okay. I guess you see by now it don’t work like that.”

I wiped my tears away. I didn’t care what Mama Tee said, I would always feel responsible for Jasmine’s death. And part of me would always blame Rose. “Maybe if Rose had been there, I would’ve had more respect than to be in that shed with Jimmy. Maybe if she had been there, she could’ve been watching Jasmine instead of me.”

“If, if was a fifth, we’d all be rich,” Mama Tee said.

I looked at her in confusion. “What does that mean?” I sniffed.

“It means you’ll get nowhere talking about, if only this, if only that.” Mama Tee sighed. “Baby girl, it’s time to move on. It’s time to let go of the past, let go of the hatred and the pain and try to forgive yourself. Stop running from the past, face it, conquer it, and look to the future. Let go and let God.”

I weighed her words. What she was asking seemed impossible, but I wanted to try anything to heal my heart. “Mama Tee, I’m sorry.” I scooted closer to her and laid my head in her lap. “I’m so sorry.