I Know I've Been Changed (23 page)

Chapter 42

I
was leaning up against my car, giving the police officer a full description of what had happened with Felton. They had arrested him as he’d walked back to his house, and I could only pray that they would lock him up for a long time.

After I had left Scooter, I walked nearly a mile to find a phone to call the police. The officer actually passed me on my way to the phone. I guess my torn skirt and ragged expression made him stop.

Turns out, Scooter had called the police after all. I guess I deserved what he had done. Despite how I’d acted, he still couldn’t turn his back on me.

“Even though I can’t stand your bougie butt, you still family,” he’d said when I’d called him back on the officer’s cell phone to thank him for calling the police.

Why was it that everyone got the concept of family but me?

“So, do you have any idea why Felton would try and attack you?” the officer asked.

“He seemed…he seemed deranged.” That was the only word I could use to describe him. The officer scribbled something down on a piece of paper, then tore it off and handed it to me. “This is your case number. He’s already done time for rape and is on probation. So he should get some hard time.” I nodded numbly as I took the piece of paper. I was just about to ask him for a ride home when a red Taurus came speeding up. Rose parked the car and jumped out.

“Are you okay?” She looked like she had been crying.

“I’m fine. What are you doing here?”

“Scooter called me and said you’d been attacked.” Rose grabbed me and hugged me. “Oh, God, I’m so glad you’re okay. I was scared to death that something had happened to you. I prayed all the way over here.” She was holding me so tight I could hardly breathe.

“Rose, I’m fine,” I said, trying to wriggle from her grasp. I was stunned at how frantic she looked and shocked at how touched I felt by her concern.

Rose released her grip and smoothed down my hair. “Oh, baby. I know you hate me, but I would just die if something happened to you.”

I stared at my mother. Her words seemed so genuine. She was making me uncomfortable.

“Don’t worry about me. I was able to get away before Felton did anything.”

“Felton? You knew the person who attacked you?”

That reminded me of how little my mother knew about me. Every one of my family members knew Felton. “Yeah, he’s an old classmate. Anyway, I don’t want to talk about that. I just want to go home and lie down.”

“Is there anything I can do?”

Rose was getting on my nerves with all this motherly concern. I didn’t know if I was more frustrated because she was bothering me, or because she was actually getting to me. “Rose, I will say it again. The only thing you can do for me is leave me alone.”

Rose stared at me, a determined look across her face. “I left you alone once. As God is my witness, I’ll never do it again.”

I stared at her as Mama Tee’s words rang in my head. Did I need to forgive her and move on?
Could
I forgive her and move on?

We stood in silence for a few minutes. Finally it dawned on me: I didn’t have my keys, and since Felton had tossed them off the cliff, the chances of my finding them were slim to none. No one was at the house to bring me my spare keys. Mama Tee had taken Justin in for a checkup and Shondella was at work.

“Look, can you give me a ride to the house? I need to get my spare keys,” I said finally.

Rose tried to ward off a smile. “It would be my pleasure.”

We hadn’t been in the car five minutes before she spoke. “I’m sorry. I know I promised to leave you alone at the grocery store today, but honestly, I can’t.”

I sighed, too tired to argue with her.

“You really are a beautiful woman. I am so proud of you.”

I cut my eyes at her. I wanted to say something smart, but I just couldn’t form the words. I don’t know if it was because I was just that exhausted or because I liked hearing her compliment me.

“You know, Mama Tee used to say, ‘Anything worth having is worth working for,’ ” Rose said as she pulled into Mama Tee’s driveway. “I’m willing to do whatever it takes, for however long it takes, to make things right. Not only with you, but Shondella and Justin, too. I know it won’t be easy, but I won’t give up. I’ve prayed on it and asked God to give me the strength to see this through, and He has.”

I stared at her as I prepared to get out of the car. I didn’t know what to say. “Thanks for the ride.”

“Rae,” she said, placing her hand on my arm, “I love you.”

I simply did not know how to respond, but
I love you, too
was definitely not an option. Something else that was not an option was letting her know that she was finally getting to me, and a piece of me—albeit a little piece—really wanted to forgive and forget. Unfortunately, as Rose said, that was so much easier said than done.

Chapter 43

“T
oday is the first day of the rest of your life.”

Why did it seem like Oprah was talking directly to me when she said that? I was lying across the sofa in Mama Tee’s living room. Pretty much the same thing I’d been doing for the last few weeks. I don’t know if it was watching
Oprah
and
Dr. Phil
daily, but I was starting to feel empowered. Like I wanted to do something productive once again.

“Why you sitting there smiling like a sissy with a bag full—”

“Mama Tee!” I cut her off. She had just walked in the room and I hadn’t even noticed her standing there staring at me.

“What?”

“You sure have a filthy mouth to be such a Christian.” I laughed.

“The Lord knows I try to be a good servant, but He also know I got a crazy family. So He gives me a pass from time to time. Now, what you watching that got you smiling like you done hit the lotto?” Mama Tee plopped down on the sofa next to me.

“Oh, I was just thinking about what Oprah said. Today is the first day of the rest of my life,” I said dreamily.

“I been telling you that since you was ten years old. But I guess I ain’t got a gazillion dollars, so I’m no expert.”

I leaned in and hugged Mama Tee, nuzzling my head against her neck. “No, Mama Tee, you know I was just hardheaded and wouldn’t listen.”

“Umm-hmmm.”

We sat in comfortable silence before Mama Tee finally said, “I got something better than Oprah.” She stood up and walked over to her television stand. She sifted through a box before pulling out a tape. “Now, this is who you need to be listening to.” Mama Tee popped the tape in. A pretty, chocolate-skinned woman came up on the screen. She was in the pulpit of a massive church, preaching to what looked like ten thousand people.

“Who is that?”

“Her name is Juanita Bynum,” Mama Tee said with admiration. “They call her a prophetess.”

“I’ve heard of her. I’ve just never heard her preach.”

“You know I ain’t into these new-school preachers, and Lord knows I ain’t never heard of no woman preacher in my day, but that woman sho’ can preach.”

Mama Tee returned to the sofa and we watched Juanita deliver a rousing sermon.

I was amazed. It was like Juanita was speaking directly to me. I don’t think I’d ever had anyone move me like she did.

“Wow,” I said when the tape finally finished.

“Wow is right,” Mama Tee said as she got up and popped the tape out. “Told you that gal is good.” She turned to me. “I hope you was listening.”

I nodded. “I was.”

Mama Tee nodded as well, a pleased look across her face. She grabbed a clothes basket from the corner. “I’m goin’ to take the clothes off the line. You think about what that lady preacher said.”

I sat and reflected on everything I’d just heard. I’d kept cursing God for all the bad I felt He had done to me, but I’d never looked at the good.

Mama Tee returned and sat back down next to me. “I just want to say I’m sorry,” I told her.

“Sorry for what?” Shondella had appeared in the doorway, all of her kids in tow. “Y’all go outside and play,” she said, shooing them away.

“But, Mama, we wanna watch TV,” Lexus whined.

“Go play, or go get my belt. The choice is yours.” Shondella stood firm. I guess the choice wasn’t too hard, because all four kids took off outside. I smiled. Sure, my nieces were country-ghetto just like their mama, but there was no doubt, my sister had done a good job with her kids.

Shondella turned back to me. “Sorry about what?”

I debated whether I should tell her none of her business. But like it or not, Shondella had been there for me as well. And it was time to try to move forward with her as well.

“I’m sorry I’ve been such a witch these last few years.”

“You ain’t been a witch,” Shondella said.

“No, I really have—”

“You been a
bitch,
” Shondella quickly turned to Mama Tee. “Sorry, Mama Tee, but she has.”

Mama Tee shot Shondella an evil look, then slowly smiled. “She has, hasn’t she?”

“Well, I want to make things right.”

“Humph, now you sound like Rose.”

I took a deep breath. “Shondella…”

“Chill, I’m just messing with you. Fine. Apology accepted. Now, can I borrow five hundred dollars?”

Both Mama Tee and I cocked our heads at her.

She shrugged. “My car payment is due.”

I shook my head, ignoring her request.

“You know Raedella don’t have a job,” Mama Tee snapped.

“I’m sure she has beaucoup savings,” Shondella retorted as she plopped down on the sofa across from us.

“Yes, I do have some savings,” I interjected, “but they’re dwindling fast.”

“I can get you on at Jr. Food Mart,” Shondella said nonchalantly.

It took everything in my power not to burst out laughing. I knew I had hit rock bottom, but I didn’t think I was under the ground, and that’s where I’d be before I went to work at Jr. Food Mart. The old me probably would’ve let Shondella know that. But this was the new and improved me, or at least the I’m-trying-to-change me. After the incident with Felton, then the conflicting feelings with Rose, and the empowering message I had just heard, I determined that maybe forgiveness was the first step in getting over my pain.

“Thanks, Shondella. I’ll keep that in mind,” I said.

Both Mama Tee and Shondella looked at me like they couldn’t believe what I’d just said.

We sat enjoying the silence for a few minutes. Then Shondella tossed a newspaper at me. “Hey, I forgot. I brought this for you.”

“How’d you get a
Houston Chronicle
newspaper?” I asked as I caught the paper and snapped it open.

“One of my suppliers comes from Houston and I always tell him to bring me the newspapers.”

“That’s how she kept up with you all these years,” Mama Tee said.

“Kept up with me? Why would you keep up with me?”

“Ummm, is that Mercedes calling? I think it is. I better go see what she want.” Shondella raced out of the living room and out the back door.

“Why would she keep up with me?” I asked Mama Tee again.

“Because that’s your sister, and despite what you may believe, she does love you.” Mama Tee said it like it was the most obvious thing. She pulled herself up off the sofa. “You do need to think about what you gon’ do with yourself now. My house got a ninety-day grace period.”

“A grace period?”

“Yep. You have ninety days to stay here without working. After that, any able-bodied person in this house gets up and goes to work somewhere,” Mama Tee said matter-of-factly. “So you think about that. I’m going to see Mrs. Miller up the road. She been under the weather lately. Be back after while.”

Mama Tee’s words weighed heavily on my mind after she left. I hadn’t given much thought to what I was going to do with my future. I had no desire to return to Houston, and in fact, it no longer even felt like home.

I turned my attention to the television, where the six-o’clock news was just coming on. The red-headed anchor looked like she was about fifty years old. I remembered her from when I was growing up here. Linda Calvins was her name. I used to wonder why she never aspired to leave Sweet Poke, go to another market. She wasn’t half-bad so I knew it wasn’t because of her talent. I’d met her when I’d visited the station once with my high school class. When I’d asked her why she didn’t leave Sweet Poke, she smiled and said, “Honey chile, Sweet Poke is home and there’s no place like home.” I remember looking at her like she was on crack or something. Who would’ve ever thought I would one day agree with her?

Chapter 44

A
fter the news went off, I glanced around. It was getting dark and the house was extremely quiet, which meant Shondella and her kids must have left. I stood up and the newspaper fell off my lap. I had gotten so caught up in my thoughts, I hadn’t even read it.

I tucked the paper under my arm, then walked into the kitchen, where I made a cup of hot tea and a bologna sandwich. I grinned as I slapped mayonnaise on my wheat bread. I hadn’t had a bologna sandwich in fifteen years. I eased down into the chair at the kitchen table and began slowly sipping my tea, nibbling on my sandwich and reading the paper.

I couldn’t help but smile as I read the article at the top of the page. The headline was brazen: “Promising Politician Busted in Prostitution Sting.” Myles did not look his usual dapper self in the photo. Maybe it was the handcuffs. Or maybe it was that he was being dragged out of a seedy motel by police officers. Either way, I thought it was poetic justice, especially when I scanned the article and realized Myles’s career was probably over. Mama Tee always said that what goes around comes around, and it looked like Myles was about to get his.

I folded the paper just as Mama Tee walked back in.

“You reading about your ex, huh?” she said as she sat down across from me. “Told you that one was a snake.”

I smiled. “Yeah, you did.” I looked down at the paper. “You know, maybe Myles’s arrest is payback for my baby. I know it probably sounds dumb, but he never wanted our baby. He never even asked me how I lost the baby.” Myles had called a couple more times after his visit to Sweet Poke, but it was always to see if “you have come to your senses and are ready to come home,” as he put it.

Mama Tee shrugged. “You never know. I always told you, ‘ “Vengeance is mine,” said the Lord.’ You don’t have to worry ’bout nothin’ ’cause the Lord will take care of it all.”

I took in her wisdom. I was always amazed at her faith and vowed to work on mine. I still didn’t understand why my baby didn’t make it, but God knew what he was doing, I guess. Maybe He didn’t want my child growing up with a selfish, amoral father like Myles. Or a messed-up-in-the-head mother like me.

“The Lord giveth and He taketh away,” Mama Tee said, nodding. “Yes, He does.”

“I just have to hope that one day He will see fit to allow me to redeem myself. I want a baby. I want to be a good mother. I want to prove that I can love someone unconditionally. And I want to do right what my mother did wrong. I don’t know, call me crazy, but I think it’s in me to be a good mother.”

“I think you will make an excellent mother,” Mama Tee said. “But you need to get a man first.”

“Oh, no, a man is the least of my concerns. Maybe I need to work on me,” I announced. “And once I work on me, I can have a baby without having a man. Yeah, a sperm donor or something. That way I’d get the kid without the drama.” I smiled at Mama Tee. She was looking at me like I had lost my mind.

“What?” she finally said. “A what donor?”

“I would just go to a sperm bank and make a withdrawal.”

Mama Tee fell back in her chair. “Lawd, have mercy. What is this world coming to? Raedella Dionne Rollins, if you so much as even think about having a baby like that, I’ll never speak to you again. What would you tell that chile? ‘Yo’ daddy is donor number five’? Perish the thought.”

I laughed at Mama Tee’s reaction. At that moment I felt so happy. If Shereen could see me now, she’d think some alien had invaded my body. But I guess when you hit rock bottom, the only thing you see is up.

I thought about what was next for me. At this point, I had no idea what direction life would take me. Maybe I should try to get a job at Sweet Poke’s lone television station. It was time for Linda to retire. I chuckled at the thought. I couldn’t believe the mere thought of working there wasn’t making my skin crawl. I think it was because I was more at peace now than I’d ever been in my life. There were no airs to put on, no high standards to maintain. I could just be me here in Sweet Poke. I had some serious thinking to do, but I knew I was going to do something.

Mama Tee had come out of her shock and was now watching me with a small smile on her face. “I’m glad you came home, baby girl.”

“I’m glad you made me come home, Mama Tee.” I sighed. “Originally, I felt like my life was over when I lost everything, but being back in Sweet Poke has reprioritized what’s important. And being successful and rich just wasn’t it.”

“Umm-hmmm, I told you that. But you ain’t never believed fat meat was greasy.” Mama Tee took my hand. “Come on, let’s go sit on the front porch. I want to sit in my new swing.” I smiled as I got up and followed her outside. One of the few things I’d bought since I’d been back in Sweet Poke was a rocking-chair swing for Mama Tee. I had to fight her to let me throw out that old sofa and replace it with the swing, but she’d finally relented and I think she couldn’t be happier. Now, if I could just get rid of the toilet.

We settled on the swing and gazed up at the clear, star-filled sky. Queen, Mama Tee’s latest mutt, sat at her feet.

“I don’t remember it being so peaceful here,” I said.

“It’s one of the things I love about Sweet Poke.” Changing the subject, Mama Tee said, “You know, I talked with Mr. Williamson about you.”

“Who is that?”

“His son runs the TV station here. Remember I used to clean his house when you were little?”

“Oh. What were you talking to him about?”

“You need a job, don’t you?”

Funny that she would bring that up. “Actually, I was just thinking about giving them a call.”

“Well, now you got a connection.”

“But it’ll be strange, a totally different environment. I’ve been to the big time.”

“And in the end, it didn’t mean diddly-squat.”

I contemplated her words. “Yeah, but I don’t know.”

“You got any better ideas?”

“No, but—”

“Ain’t no buts,” she replied. “You need a job. You need to move on and get your own place. Now that your uncle Frank is gone, I needs my privacy. Deacon Baird gotta stuff a sock in my mouth when he come over—”

“Ewwwwwww!”

“Ewwwwww what? You grown. I’m grown.”

“Uh, Mama Tee, you’re seventy-five.”

“And?” She flashed a sly grin.

I couldn’t believe we were having this conversation. “And Deacon Baird has got to be pushing eighty.”

“He’s eighty-one.”

“That’s disgusting.”

“Actually, it’s quite wonderful. That Viagra is a beautiful thing. But, back to what I was saying. You need to call Mr. Williamson’s son. He’s really looking forward to talking to you.”

I was just about to protest again when I noticed Mama Tee break out in a big smile. I turned to see what she was looking at.

“Evening, Deacon Baird.”

“Evening, ladies.” He tipped his hat. “I was just in the area and thought I’d stop by and see if…if, umm, you had any…any wood you needed chopping, Ms. Rollins.”

“I sure do,” Mama Tee responded. My brow furrowed. It was well after dark. And if I didn’t know better, I’d swear that was a seductive look in Mama Tee’s eyes. “Why don’t you come around back so I can show you where it is? Raedella was just about to run to the store.”

“No, I wasn’t.”

“Yes, you were. I need some Karo syrup for those pecan pies I’m making tomorrow.” Mama Tee stood up. She motioned for Deacon Baird to follow her. “Oh, and, Raedella, make sure you take the long way home. We don’t want to disturb the good deacon while he’s chopping wood.”