I Shouldn't Be Telling You This: Success Secrets Every Gutsy Girl Should Know (11 page)

Something I need to add: This book is loaded with tips on learning what you need to know, promoting yourself, going big, breaking the rules, and even engaging in the right
kind
of butt kissing. Read them and use them. But being gutsy doesn’t have to translate, as it did with Jackie, into being tough to be around. It’s good to have your coworkers’ respect even if they don’t always like you. That prevents them from trying to undermine you and helps creates allies for down the road. Some good rules of thumb:

• Go after what you want but not if it clearly belongs to someone else.

• Dazzle your boss but don’t make your colleagues listen to the details.
And avoid humble bragging, which involves showing off while couching it as some sort of self-deprecation. (I.e., this is a tweet that showed up on the @humblebrag hall of fame: “What the heck does one wear to a meeting at the Style network? Seriously.”)

• Go big but not if it means throwing someone under the bus.
One way to judge how colleagues view you is to pay attention to their interactions with you. If they exclude you from conversations and group lunches, if they often seem hostile, it may be because your actions have become galling rather than simply gutsy.

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4 Tips for Masterfully Managing Your Boss
 
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I
have had both good bosses and bad bosses in my career, which I’m sure is true for many people. There was, for instance, Art Cooper, who went on to become the legendary editor of
GQ
and who once sent me to interview Helen Gurley Brown because he said he could picture me as editor of
Cosmopolitan
one day (good boss!). And then there was the boss who asked me to come by her apartment one Saturday and, once I arrived, seemed to be hinting that I try a threesome with her and the smoking-jacketed married man she was seeing (ugh, bad boss!).

Within days of starting to work for someone, you will have a visceral sense of whether you’ve signed on with a good boss or bad boss. Does your boss listen? Give clear instructions and challenge you to really go for it? Inspire you? Praise what you do well? Critique you fairly? If yes, good for you! This is going to make it easier for you to succeed. But if you’ve been handed a bad boss, don’t despair. A bad boss can be a ticket for success as well. Of course, it will be tough to achieve much of anything if your boss has created a toxic work setting or is failing at
her
job, and the only real rule to follow in that kind of situation is to escape as quickly as you can—go to a new department, new company, whatever. But if your bad boss is simply a lardass, that can be a real asset for you because she may turn over all sorts of projects to you that will advance your skills and reputation.

So at the end of the day, it doesn’t matter if your boss is good or bad, as long as you end up with the opportunities and credit you need. You just have to be smart about how you handle the situation.

Let’s start, then, with the premise that you are working for either a good boss or a good bad boss. I’m going to tell you four little things you need to know to manage your boss effectively and gain all you can from the relationship. At this point you may be thinking “Wait, isn’t doing a great job enough?” Unfortunately, it isn’t. Bosses are human, and little things can get under their skin and rub them the wrong way.

1. Your boss has both
sweet spots
and
hot spots,
and you need to determine what they are.
Sweet spots are the little things that he responds to positively, such as punctuality, fast turnaround, or frequent updates. Hit those sweet spots as much as you can. Of course, it’s a given that you are doing your job well. But seemingly little things matter to bosses, too.

His
hot spots
are the behaviors that seriously piss him off, such as tardiness or long-winded answers or even something minor, such as your wearing your iPod at your desk. Avoid touching those hot spots.

How do you know what his sweet spots and hot spots are? Dr. Mark Howell, a New York psychotherapist who has helped me a lot in my research over the years, says that “you have to play the scientist” in the landscape of your office, gathering the data you need. “First,” he says, listen to the gossip around your workplace. That can tell you so much. If there are negative aspects to your boss, you’ll learn about them if you pay attention to what people say.”

Sometimes you have to listen between the lines, though, because coworkers may be too nervous to be blunt. Note their tone of voice and loaded-sounding phrases. A comment such as “I wouldn’t go in there just now” can tell you your boss gets moody or difficult at certain times of the day or when he hears bad news.

Next, says Dr. Howell, make an effort to register when your boss is pleased
and
displeased.” For instance, does she just stare at you when you walk in at 9:30
A
.
M
.? That probably means she wants you in earlier.

You can learn a lot just by paying attention to comments your boss makes about others. I had a boss who on several occasions mentioned receiving a handwritten note from someone. This kind of gesture was important to her and she was sharing that information indirectly.

Once you’ve gathered your data, act accordingly. If all this seems like common sense, trust me, it isn’t. One of the biggest mistakes I see people make in the workplace is ignoring both a boss’s sweet spots and hot spots or behaving based on what their own needs are or how they acted with a former boss. Your boss isn’t you, and the same things might not matter to her. And no two bosses are alike. In fact, what might be a sweet spot for one boss can be a hot spot for another. For instance, some bosses like you to hover; others hate it.

One of my annoying traits as a boss is that when I ask for info, I tend to want it ridiculously soon. Anyone who has worked for me and has taken the time, as Howell suggests, to register what pleases and displeases me would discover this easily. Because if I’ve asked you for something and haven’t heard back in a day or two, I will ask again. And that should be an oops moment for you—as in “Oops, I should have given her an update.” But it’s shocking to me the number of young staffers I’ve had to pester with e-mails and phone calls, asking “Do you have that info yet?”

When I look at the people I’ve promoted, they’re always the ones I never had to chase down for information but rather who were always bursting into my office with news.

Unfortunately, sometimes as much as you play the scientist, you may not see a boss’s hot spot until she calls you into her office and chews you out. That happened to me with Art Cooper. I was his senior editor at
Family Weekly
, and I sensed that overall I was doing a good job. But after lavishing praise on me in my first review, Art shocked me by adding a criticism. He said I had “a tendency to dig in my heels.” You won’t believe what I did right then and there. I started to say, “But it’s
not
digging in my heels. I just always want you to know why I made a certain decision.” Fortunately, at twenty-eight, I’d learned a few things, and I shut my trap after “But.” Then, a second later, I told him, “I understand. I will definitely correct that in the future.”

And that brings me to:

2. Bosses really want to be heard.
They want to know that you’re on board with their mission and are going to execute it. Listen carefully. Listen, too, between the lines. Pick up on any recurring phrases. Nod when your boss is talking. Take notes. Seem enthusiastic about the mission. When your boss makes suggestions about your work activities, follow up on them. In discussions, make references to his mission for your area or department. (As you move up the ladder and have people reporting to you, make sure they know your boss’s mission, too.) When your boss does something nice for you, don’t simply smile, assuming you deserved it. Act grateful, write a note. (Gratitude can also help prevent a boss from feeling threatened.)

What if you disagree with your boss on a particular decision? First ask yourself if you think there’s a chance you can change his mind because if the answer is no, it may not be worth the effort to try. But if you sense that he will—maybe because he simply hasn’t digested all the relevant info—and you don’t want him to make a bad decision, choose your words carefully. Avoid using blunt phrases such as “I disagree,” or suggesting he’s wrong. Cast the situation in terms of simply offering more info. You could say something like “I hear what you’re saying. But can I show you some additional information? It throws an interesting light on the situation.” That will allow him to reconsider based on new information rather than having to admit he was wrong. If he doesn’t seem interested, back off. You beat a dead horse at your own peril.

3. Bosses want your loyalty.
Do not be seen whispering with coworkers—your boss will assume you’re talking about her. Never go around her. Do not, under any circumstances, violate a confidence. If you are looking for another job, be as discreet as you possibly can. Don’t allow a friendship to develop between you and your boss. That situation can be loaded with land mines. If your boss confides details about her personal life, don’t share back. So you don’t seem impolite, bring up a juicy article you just read or a show you watched. This makes it seem like you’re dishing.

4. Bosses like to have their butts kissed.
Sorry, but it’s true. Let your boss know that you like her ideas, appreciate her support, and are excited to be in her presence. Be sincere by focusing on the things you really do like and/or respect. Years ago someone told me that certain staffers were concerned that I didn’t realize that one of their colleagues was always trying to kiss my ass. I laughed. “Of course I know she’s an ass kisser,” I said. “And I appreciate the fact that she’s smart enough to do it.”

Special Advice for Dealing with a Boss Who Takes Over from Your Old One

Employees sometimes make the mistake of thinking that since they’re already established in the company, the new boss is the one who has to prove herself, and that they’re fairly well protected.
Wrong.
New bosses frequently have carte blanche to overhaul the department and get rid of anyone who doesn’t appear to be on board.

Let a new boss know right away that you are excited to have her there. Look enthused about her mission when she shares it. (If you’re not, fake it until you can find another job.) And—this is important—ask what you can do to help her to transition. That will carry a huge amount of weight with her.

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How to Dazzle at a Meeting
 
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N
ot long after you start a job, you will probably be asked to attend your first meeting there. Meetings are a great opportunity for you to impress your boss and peers. But if you aren’t prepared, you can also come across as a boob. I’ve probably held way over a thousand meetings in my career, and I’ve loved watching some of my staffers really strut their stuff in them. They’ve also been a perfect way to get a closer look at those on staff who don’t report directly to me.

Yet unfortunately, for every person who’s dazzled me at a meeting, there have been many more who have never volunteered a single solitary idea and have sat there with their jaws totally slack, as if I were up at the head of the table reading the instructions for installing a plasma-screen TV.

Never miss the chance to shine at a meeting. Meetings may sometimes seem very casual, and you may not even be called on to participate, but your boss is paying attention to how you perform. If you contribute and look engrossed, it will raise his opinion of you and may even lead to new assignments. If you do poorly, you will lose ground—and you may not be invited back.

Here are ten fail-proof strategies:

1. Be sure you know what the meeting’s about.
Reread the e-mail. If you are new, ask around to see what’s generally expected, and come prepared.

2. Never be late—and get there early enough to grab a good seat.
If you’re not one of your boss’s top people, don’t sit right next to her like a big brownnose, but find a spot close enough to show you’re delighted to be one of the participants.

3. Arrive with a game-on attitude.
Seem enthused, excited about the agenda. This really sends a good message. When a promoted
Cosmo
staffer was suddenly included in a monthly meeting, I loved that she came in full makeup.

4. Always bring something to take notes with—your iPad or a pad and pencil.
Turn your cell phone off. And I wouldn’t think I’d have to say not to use your iPhone or BlackBerry during a meeting, but I’ve often seen people make that dumb mistake.

5. Lean in.
Women sometimes come across as tentative at meetings. One reason for this: they don’t belly up to the table. If you hang back, other participants may not hear you when you speak—or may even ignore your remarks because you don’t seem fully engaged. The body language expert Janine Driver recommends that you sit on the first third of your chair during a meeting and lean in when you speak, indicating that you have something important you want to get across.

6. When you do have something to contribute, don’t just blurt it out.
Instead, lead into it with some kind of introductory statement. That helps grab people’s attention. Pause a moment before continuing—you want to make sure people are looking your way and know you are about to speak. Otherwise, someone may trample over your idea verbally and you’ll have to start again—awkwardly.

What kind of introductory comment works? If you’re established in your job and feel comfortable with your boss, I think it’s fine to gain the floor with a gutsy statement—such as “I have an idea that I think could save us at least twenty-five thousand dollars a year in shipping costs.” But Andrea Kaplan, the head of Andrea Kaplan Public Relations and one of the most brilliant people I know at idea pitching, cautions about being that bold when you are first starting out. “Early in your career, part of what you’re doing when you’re first pitching ideas is gaining a confidence level,” she says. “So you want to do everything possible to get a good response. If you announce, ‘I have a great idea,’ it puts too big a spotlight on you, and if everyone turns up their noses, you can feel deflated.” Instead, she suggests making your intro statement a bit subtler, such as “Here’s a thought. What if we were to . . . ?”